"I have also been removed from the disciplinary role because every time I put him in his room and he throws a fit I have to explain the whole situation and then she just goes and comforts him and lets him out." He's three,which is always a difficult age as the child discovers the joy of being independant ... but he's already learned that to get his way, all he has to do is scream and thrown a tantrum. She's TRAINING him to be an obnoxious brat! It's just as easy to train him to ask quietly ask for what he wants and to accept that there are some things that he can't do. "When his mother tells him to do something he doesn't want to do he continues to do his own thing as she keeps repeating herself," YOU tell the kid ONCE ... then you physically pick the kid up and remove them from their activity and move them to what you want them to do. If they throw a tantrum at home, you put them in their room and say "you can come out when you are ready to talk and not scream, we do not listen to screamers". You put them in their room EVERY TIME, as long as it takes. "then if I tell him to do what his mother says he screams 'NO' or has a fit. This happens at home, in the store, at friends house - it doesn't matter." Here's an idea for outside the house ... Tell the child before leaving that if he screams and fusses, he will have to come home. Then, when he throes a fit, you leave, IMMEDIATELY and silently. Just pick up the screaming shrieking kicking child and put him in the car and go home. Tell him that he can try again later. "Everything has to be his way or he will throw a fit. Now don't get the impression he always gets his way, sometimes when his mom is completely frustrated or upset she will actually make him obey...but that is not the normal course." Here's a clue for her: SHE'S THE MOTHER, AND IT IS HER JOB TO TRAIN HER CHILD HOW TO ACT! And yes, he will hate her with the pure clear hatred of a 3-year old for a while. He'll get over it.

I have a card on my frig decorated with hearts and gingerbread men that my little 7 y/o neighbor's girl made for me. What all the "I love yous" on that card actually mean is, "Thank you for the Christmas present." After I read it, I hugged her and said, "I love you too sweetheart!" I also have an air compressor and after pumping up bicycle tires, little kids tell me, "I love you" all the time, and I respond the same way. They're really just demonstrating appreciation, and I'm graciously accepting. Of course I don't really "love" them, but so what? If I didn't respond "in kind" all it would accomplish would be to hurt their feelings, and why would I want to do that to them? From what you've described, I think your SS may be afraid of being abandoned and/or rejected and is seeking your reassurance. I don't think your reluctance to provide him with the reassurance he needs has anything to do with your desire to be "honest." Maybe the real reason you don't want to provide him with the reassurance he needs is because doing so would make you feel "disloyal" to your own child? That saying "I love you" to him would constitute a betrayal of the "bond" between you and your newborn?

Thank you all for giving me advice. The SD does work part time as a hairstylist. She did go to school for it and does not have her license yet. When she first moved in, my DH (her Dad) told her the BF could NOT move in. He told her that before we moved her stuff in and again once she was settled in. When he told her again that day she said "What?? BF can't stay here too??" He said "No, I told you that! He is 27 and has been in and out of jail and I don't trust him in my home!" Well, she was ticked. So, she said, "Well, I'll just leave my stuff here and we will go over to Mom's to sleep at night". So, that is what they did for a month or so. (DH did not make her pay rent right away) So, after a month or so, DH said "Well, your BF can spend the weekends here only" That went on for another month or so and then the BF had to go serve some jail time for some fines he hadn't paid. So, he was gone most of the summer. We only charged her a small amount to stay here while he was gone. Then he got out of jail and my DH said "Well, he can live here too as long as you pay rent". The rent they pay barely covers the cost of the utilities they use a month. It doesn't cover the cost of the phone, cable, wear and tear on my washer and dryer let alone the inconvience of having them be here. My DH does not let me have a voice in any of these things. I am VERY assertive and I do make him aware of my opinion but in the end he just tells me I need to stay out of it. Here is an example of what happened yesterday: BF left for work (a co-worker picks him up for his job since he has no drivers license) Then SD left for her job. I had a paid day off from work. So, I go downstairs to their "area" and I take a quick look around. In the 9 months that they have been in this house I have only done this 3 times. My DH and I do want to make sure that things are not broken down there or filthy. So, about a month ago I had left them a note to please clean out the frig and clean out the shower-it was disgusting. Well, I looked down there yesterday and not a thing has changed. They totally blew the note off. So, I went and moved all the bottles of shampoo, shavers and etc in the shower to the middle of the shower so they could see how gross it was. There was actually mold growing under everything. That is ridiculous! I have no desire to make them do their dishes or shampoo carpets or whatever-cause I don't want to nit-pic, but some things have to be handled. DH got home from work and we went out to eat. We came back and SD had an envelope on our kitchen counter that said "DAD" So he opens it. She wrote a note that said: Dad, someone was in our bedroom today because the over head fan was off and we always leave it on. Also, someone put all our stuff from our shower in the middle of the shower and I know it's dirty but since we pay rent 'no one' should be snooping in our stuff" So, DH looks at me. I said "Yeah, I did look in the shower and put the stuff in the middle, I told you it's moldy in there but No, I did NOT look in the bedroom" So, he goes downstairs and speaks to her. He comes up and I said "So, what is the verdict? What did you say to her?" He looked at me and said "I don't want to be a referrery between you two". So, he left it at that. He did mumble something about how he would "look at the bathroom in a few days" God, how lame. I have no voice in this crap. No matter what I do, I'm the "bad guy". If SD thinks I'm not going to inspect that area now and then to make sure nothings broken or disgustingly filthy she's got another thing coming!! Yes, my DH and his Ex are at fault for not raising them they way they should. He Ex always wanted to be her girls BF not a Mother. DH got sick of always fighting with her about how she would let them off the hook when he grounded them for doing something wrong. So, after a while he gave up and didn't punish them at all. He knows he is at fault for not standing up to her and doing the right thing.

You're not failing as a parent because you aren't a parent. That responsibility belongs to his father & to his mother, absentee though she may be. This little boy sounds like a very angry person, & there's a reason, there's always a reason. Your family might benefit from professional help (although I hate to say that-it seems like "counselling" is always the recommendation for everything from screaming hysteria to broken fingernails). People don't just make up new behaviors; they learn them; is this boy mimicking the way he sees you treated at home? How does your boyfriend interact with you? Do your views matter? Does he repeat what you've said or contradict that you've said? So often, we women think we're married or "as good as", & in fact our partners have no such illusions; many times I've heard girls & women talk about their partners, & in the conversation it becomes obvious to everyone except the woman involved that she's a live-in, a babysitter, a resource that comes in handy. I'm not criticizing; I've been there, done that, & paid for everybody else's tee shirt. You've taken a great deal of responsibility off the boyfriend's shoulders, & unless you have his respect & his wholehearted support, this will get much much worse. The two of you already have a child together, you're taking care of his son, & yet you aren't protected by marriage. How much does that sound like a committed, loving partnership between equals? If your boyfriend walks in front of a bus, what happens to you & your daughter? What happens to this little boy? You've got an awful lot on your plate, & you absolutely need back-up at home & the security of a committed partner. I wish you the very best.