Hmm. IMO by ignoring your daughter's behaviour your wife is part of the problem. I think you should speak to her about the papers you found, she needs to know its not just you. How does she feel about her daughter failing school? This is not just "being a teenager" or "growing up". This is something that will affect her future and needs to be fixed ASAP before it snowballs into something that will be difficult to impossible to fix.
That said, perhaps (without saying as much) your wife resents your setting rules and enforcing them for her daughter. Did you discuss this before going ahead? Did you discuss taking away the TV and cell phone? If so, then allowing her mother to undermine you both is a poor move on her part.
Feeling guilty for leaving her daughter with her mother is all well and good, but at some point for her daughter's sake your wife needs to stop feeling guilty and "deal with" her. No fairy is going to appear and wave a wand so that overnight your sd will suddenly be educated and socialised, she needs to be taught and expectations for her need to be higher. Kids will generally perform as they are expected to, if no standards are set then they will have none.
(A little ray of hope- my own DD was a terrible housekeeper in her childhood and her first couple of apartments when she left home, despite all my efforts. But it must have struck a chord somewhere deep down because now her place looks like a magazine photo shoot :-).)
I do think you all need family counselling, to clarify what is behind your current dynamic, and what you collectively can do to change that. Unless you get your wife onside nothing will change, but she will need to see first that by leaving things as they are she is raising a potential disaster.

Wow I feel bad for you...having a 14 yr old daughter who has exhibited a lot of these traits, I know what you are going thru....

BUT...I need to point out something that I have heard from many places, talk radio psychologists, books, forums like this, etc, is that YOU are not responsible for disciplining your step daughter, your wife is. Now I know this is not something you want to hear, since it seems your wife has some serious parenting issues with this kid. I agree that your wife probably needs some therapy if she thinks failing school, getting in trouble for bullying, etc., are just "teenage" things. FYI - I went through a lot of this type of stuff with my ex wife regarding the things my daughter was doing, I kept telling the ex that she needed therapy, etc., she kept saying I was nuts,that she was just going thru the teenage years. It was only when she started "cutting", and refusing to get out of bed to go to school, that she finally agreed with me and we got her into therapy about a year ago.

But again, you can talk to your wife and persuade her to change her ways, get some counseling, etc. But in the end, the child is her responsibility, not yours. You really have very limited responsibility in her upbringing...other than you and your wife obviously live in the same house, so you need to reach agreements on what is acceptable and not....and if you SD doesn't live up to these rules, you go to your wife, not your SD.

Good luck, teenage girls can suck the life out of you...but for what it's worth, mine is making progress, things are improving. But if you want to compare pix of our kids's rooms....lets go....I honestly think it's not possible to be more of a slob than my daughter. But, and the therapist agrees...this is a battle I have now elected not to fight. It's her room...she can keep it how she wants. My only rule is if she wants t have a friend over, she has to clean it. In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal...she'll eventually get embarrassed to be a slob and come around...there are more important things to worry about.

Good luck. Oh and btw...my GF is Latin....and whenever I do something her son (12) disagrees with, he looks at his mom, shakes his head and says "white people....", so I know that feeling too. But actually it's all in good fun...I bust on them too....

Pretty sure this is how my husband feels. He is the SD to my almost 19 yr old daughter. SHe wont own anything she does wrong, even when you catch her full blown. Its never the major stuff that she lies about. Last Christmas I busted her for smoking with her cousin. She completely fessed up, but its all the little white lies and the disrespect for absolutely everyone that is really taking its toll. She can kill the mood of a room in a heart beat. She can be disrespectful but when she gets called out on it she dismisses it that she was only kidding. She lies about stupid little things like, did you fold the laundry, did you feed the dogs. You catch her in her lie and she will double talk her way out of it. My husband wants to just sit strandle of her and try to straighten her out but the second he even trys to address any issues with her, she pulls the "this is bs he isnt my Dad, I dont have to take this ----" But it is he & I she runs to when she needs gas money or what ever else. She is currently living at home with us along with her SB the is 15 and she has an older borther that is 23. The men of the house tell me I am letting me walk all over me and everyone else in the house. I just honestly dont know what to do to change it. What do you do when they are 19, paying for their own car & insurance, yes she eats our food and we give her gas money. She works almost full time along with going to college. I dont want to lose my daughter but the rest of my family cant take the turmoil any more

"this is bs he isnt my Dad, I dont have to take this ----"
Well, as the householder he doesn't have to take her attitude either. By not making it clear to your daughter that her poor behaviour and attitude are not acceptable you are enabling her. In a shared household she would be voted out and shown the door. If she wants to be treated as an adult she has to act like one.
Frankly if she was my daughter I'd be letting her know that either the attitude changes or she can find another place to live, if she's working she should be able to afford to at least share with someone else, who won't put up with her bulldust.

I know this sounds stupid but I dont know what to do or how to go about it. I just have to get the maddness in my home to stop

DontKnow, you sit them all down in a family meeting and you lay the rules of the home down...you and husband agree to what they will be prior to meeting and the two of you stand united during the meeting. If the kids see one sign of disagreement or sense one of you actually don't support the other parent, these kids will run right over you and disregard anything the meeting lays out. You've an almost 19 yr old AND a 23 yr old both still living in your home.

She can't be all that terrible if she is working fulltime and attending classes to prepare for her future (some teens don't even want to do that)...but her attitude towards her fellow family members sucks, and it will not be tolerated. It is not acceptable. I suggest you draw up a 'chore list' for each and everyone of the adult kids and the younger one. Include also the things husband and you will be responsible for. Be reasonable in it. You can't totally expect them to do hours and hours worth of housework on top of working fulltime and going to college (they do have to sleep and study LOL), but if there is five able bodies in your home, divide the chores between everyone. If it's not HER dog, let whoever did bring the dog home feed it. If it's not HER laundry, let everybody wash, fold and put away their own clothing. She can do the extras like bath towels that aren't personal possessions. It's not going to hurt the boys to do typical housework too.

Each any every one of these children are going to be out in their own homes one day, time they all learn to take responsibility and learn to take care of themselves and their future homes. Think of it as teaching them life lessons. Even your 23 yr old SS may find himself having to cook his own meals and vaccum his apartment...he can do stereotyped 'woman' chores in your house too. Same as mowing the lawn and raking leaves...divide it all up gender neutral in who does what.

While meeting with your children, lay out the behavioral expectations which will not be optional. They don't want to respect who provides their housing (by lying, sneaking blah blah blah and/or down right insubordination), they can hit the door (except the 15 yr old of course...but even he can lose perks if he's disrespectful). You expect each and every one of them to be civil and act their age AND to be a fuctioning part of the home. If they don't like the rules, well here's the classified ads...they best get better paying jobs because they are going to have to be able to afford their own homes. Mom and Dad's Hotel is closed.

You can also charge the older working kids rent. Even if you don't need and/or want the money, it teaches them responsibilty and reminds them that at their age it is a privilege to still be living at home. I charge my 24 yr old rent. He also has chores. The first time I hear 'but moooooom' he's reminded I am his mother, he lives in my home, I am not his landlord or his maid, if he would like to be treated as a tenant with maid services I will gladly charge him REAL tenant prices. He has a choice...either behave yourself, be respectful and act a part of my family or 1)move out 2) be charged tenant/maid fees on top of his $100 a month rent...rent goes up another $500 for tenants instead of household members. It is usually a very affective reality check.

On the other hand, you have to remember that your two oldest are adult age. As for the smoking, yeah, it's a dirty habit, but if she wants to smoke, not much you can do about it...she just can't smoke in your home (or outside in your lawn) and you WILL NOT provide money for cigs.

OK people help me with this. My daughter w/b 19 in April, she is going to college full time during the day and working clost to 30 hours per week at night at Walmart. She is paying for her own car and her car insurnace, but from time to time she asks for gas money, money for food or just plain play money. My husband, her SD, feels that she should do without. If she cant make enough for those things she does without. He feels she should learn to budget her money well enough to bascially support herself and not ask us for money....

I think I would need to know where her other money is going before I could answer that. Where does all the money she earns go? If it's pretty much all accountable, going to the car, tuition, the basics, etc....that's one thing, I don't think there's much wrong with a little help. But if she's buying all types of fashionable clothes and accessories, going out with friends all the time, has bought Iphones/Ipads and all those gadgets lately, well that would be a totally different story.

But...giving her money if she is being completely disrespectful to you and the others in the family....no, that wouldn't happen though.

"giving her money if she is being completely disrespectful to you and the others in the family....no, that wouldn't happen though."

Agree 100%!

She probably has an attitude BECAUSE she knows you don't want to make waves in your relationship with her. If she can make you feel guilty and get what she wants, it's a win win for her. AND she doesn't have to be respectful of your husband. If it were my daughter, I might even make her go ask dear ol' stepdad for the gas money & other money. You'll either see her attitude toward him change for the better or needing money won't be so important to her. I know that about a year ago, my husband told his daughter she needs to ask me for certain things. (ie. I do grocery shopping & if she wants her favorite foods, she needs to ask me to buy them for her) Her attitude with me is so terrible, she would rather do without than ask me.

But it's up to YOU to make it clear under no uncertain circumstances is her attitude with your husband acceptable behavior to you. She is 19. She is an adult. It's not a grand thing that she pays her own car note & insurance, that's what she has to do as an adult. She wants to drive her own car, it has responsibility attached to it. If she wants to eat out, then she needs to manage her money better & if she has no money to eat out, she should stay home & eat with the family.

That should have said "her attitude with your husband is unacceptable behavior to you".

"My husband, her SD, feels that she should do without. If she cant make enough for those things she does without. He feels she should learn to budget her money well enough to bascially support herself and not ask us for money...."

You need to stop feeling guilty for making your daughter take care of herself. If something happened to you what would your daughter do? Do you want your daughter dependent on you forever or do you want her to be able to stand on her own two feet?

I moved out of my folk's house when I was 18. I worked a full time and a part time job to make ends meet. If I didn't have enough money I went "without". Like imamommy said - It's called being an adult.

--"My husband, her SD, feels that she should do without. If she cant make enough for those things she does without. He feels she should learn to budget her money well enough to bascially support herself and not ask us for money"--

I tend to totally agree with your husband in the general sense. No one should be enabling their children to live beyond their means and/or taking advantage of the 'Mommy/Daddy will bail me out' thing. I've spent years, as I'll assume most other parents do, raising my children and preparing them to be able to be responsible productive adults when the day came.

But with that said, I could 'go' either way on this particular thread. Is the daughter blowing money and a budgeting adjustment on her part would make a big difference? Does she think she can just spent and spend and no problem as when she runs out someone will just hand her more? If so and tossing in her disrespect and attitude of excusing her ill behavior 'It is not MY fault' blah blah, nope, she'd not get a penny out of me.

On the other hand, the young adult works for peanuts at Walmart, she goes to school fulltime and she perhaps does not have the ability to get a second job to supplement her income. Would depend on her varying schedule ability at her current job and classes available at different times. If she really is very thrifty with her money, assuring she does things like lunch bag toting and no joy riding, no fancy unnecessary 'junk' (fancy phones, latest fashions, entertainment with the buddies inwhich the money should be going into the gas tank to go to work/school blah blah)and she still can not make ends meet, I'd likely give her gas money for school/work, fix her flat tire and all those mundane boring but necessary expenses...but only when it was absolutely necessary. If I thought she would have to quit school/job because she could not fill her gas tank to get there, yeah, I'd help out. The goal behind the going to school/working I'll assume currently is to better her options for improving her abilities to earn a higher living and really become self sufficient very shortly. I'd give her a bit of credit for that and realize it is short term and soon she'll be out on her own and fully supporting herself. If I didn't think that, no, I'm back to not helping her occassionaly.

I might even occasionally give her a 'treat' of a bit of spending money to have an evening out with a friend (movie pizza type thing) because I would not want her to totally burn out at her age and decide she wanted to do something stupid like quit work and/or school. It would depend on how well she were doing, her attitude towards the household ect. In other words, if I could see she really was trying very hard to both budget and behave I'd likely treat her to a small shopping trip at my expense and/or stick a bit of cash in her purse for a 'fun' night. But it would not be routine and it would cease immediatedly if she 'expected' it as her due and/or was being a pain in the *ss.

Again, I think your daughter's money situation she be something you and husband sit down and discuss. No, she can't have money if she is blowing it and not budgeting her income in a careful manner. But is it 'wrong' to help her out a bit when really necessary? That's something only you and husband will have to discuss and come to a mutual agreement on. If she really is mismanaging money and has an entitlement 'bail me out, Mom' line of thinking and you're falling for it , my personal opinion is SD is right. Knock off supplementing her or you'll still have a little girl living with you in five years.

First of all I want to thank everyone for their feed back. You have helped me through a very difficult week.

Everything with my daughter has been on the back burner this week, due to her schedule with her clases and work. But tonight is the night. I created a spreadsheet that she can utilize as a budgeting tool, it shows her gross income each week (all she has to do is put her total projected hours for that work week)(walmart puts there schedule up 3 weeks out so that really helps) At any rate then each week I put in her carpayment when due or her car insurance when due, so she can see 3 weeks out what she has coming up. I also put in this spreadsheet her gas expense and showing I will give her a tank of fuel every other week. By my calculations most pay periods (which is every 2 weeks) she will have about $100 spending money for what ever she wants. I think when she lives at home that is probably a gods plenty. Plus I figure the spreadsheet will help me keep myself on track whether she may really be short on money because she worked less hours or what not.
So here is the next stage of my conversation for tonight.....behavior and attitude. She begged, begged begged for a St Bernard puppy 2 years ago. Now that the dog is full grown and has to be outside in the kennel, she doesnt want anything to do with it. If it wasnt for me being so attached to the dog I would get rid of her, but again I have grown attached to her, but now my daughter wants a house dog and keeps daunting me with "what will you do if I bring one home!"No more pets! She wants wants wants but doesnt want to take are of any of it.
So again to get back on track tonight is going to be probably a pretty heated discussion regarding her behavior and her attitude. She comes by it very naturally, her biological father is one of these people that take shear enjoyment in other peoples misery. She openly admits she acts like her Dad. Tonight the buck stops here. If she leaves she leaves. She wont run to her Dad if she does she wont stay long because they are too much alike. I know she will try and divert the attention onto one of her siblings or her age old issue of I didnt ask her opinion before I started dating after divorcing her father, ect ect ect. But I am going to remain on task and keep her focused on the issue at hand & pray that it is a successful night.

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and your words of wisdom

Good luck! Stand your ground- it's yours, not your daughter's.
If she brings home another dog, it goes _immediately_ before you get attached. Otherwise you know what will happen- she'll get bored with it and you'll have another dog to care for. God forbid she wants a baby.
"her age old issue of I didnt ask her opinion before I started dating after divorcing her father"- guess what? She doesn't get to dictate your love life. Otherwise you get to dictate hers. Bet she wouldn't like that.
Point out that acting like her Dad is what got you divorced in the first place. Does she want history to repeat?