Yes! There are *major* periods of adjustment!
Though I say this from my years as a BioMom getting DS back from his Dad's.
It would take several days for him to get 'normal' again...

Love,

Its ok to feel like he intrudes on your life. I have been there and done that before. You know what? She DID intrude on my life. I dont care what people think. It was a big HUGH pain in my rear end.

I had to deal with the "mouth" when she would come back from her moms. She would have fun at moms being 10 years old and cocktail waitress mom would teach her how to make drinks and serve them to her friends. NICE!

I am so glad I left. She intruded on my life and I had enough of it. She now is on probation and has been in jail a few times. Steals and forges checks and lets not forget makes a whole bunch of babies with different daddies.

I so know the feeling. I am not telling you to leave but, I just know the feeling and thats ok. Dont let anyone here tell you how you feel is not correct or right.

Yes Lovehadley, I can totally relate, you describe my feelings exactly!!! If you get flamed than I will too.

The only difference is probably that I have talked to FDH about it, and he has told me he also feels a bit out of his element. In our case that has a lot to do with the fact that BM puts incredible pressure on the skids and makes them feel guilty for coming to our place. She also fills their head with a lot of cr*p (see my other posts) and so when the skids get to our place they usually give us hurt or angry looks and you can cut the tension with a knife. Once they get whatever lies BM put in their heads out of their system, we're usually ok. Sometimes this is on the first night, sometimes it lingers longer. They wonder about all the things their BM told them, "is that really true"? And they need to adjust and see for themselves what we are like again, before we ease into some kind of pleasant routine.

I don't know if you have similar problems with BM, but I'm sure it's always hard for kids to go from one place to the other. No matter what. As Sweeby said.

As for what you can do to make it better; I suppose it helps for me that I have something to do, so for example IÂm cooking by the time they get to our place. Even so, because everybody is tense I know they pick up that it affects me too. We sometimes talk about it, but that is usually when the girls tell us what BM has accused us of this time. So in our case itÂs actually necessary to clear the air sometimes before we can all settle in, if thatÂs not the case at your home than I donÂt know if that would be any help in your situation.

.I really donÂt think thereÂs that much that you can do about it otherwise; except not beat yourself up over it. ItÂs not abnormal and you are doing the right thing, so good for you!!
>>>

I think what you are experiencing is completely normal. Our situation was actually reversed when SS lived w/us and went to visit Mom. He became ornery & withdrawn leading up to leaving for his visit. He was really ok when he returned. Now SD lives here and is more typical. She's fine going to visit, but very emotional when she returns. She's said that it's tiring anticipating, and then experiencing the "digs" and not-so-subtle guilt trips/jabs while there. She comes back emotionally exhausted and a bit on the "fragile" side. It takes her a day or two to get back in the groove. I try to listen and let her vent/cry if need be. I've found that having things planned when she returns helps. And she agrees.

I cannot tell you how it feels from a SM point of view as my SC live with DH and me full-time. BM lives her life a thousand miles away without a care in the world when it comes to supporting or doing anything with her own children. They did spend 3 weeks with her during the summer, first time they saw her in 5 years, first time they stayed alone with her in almost 10 years. We had a few weeks of readjustment after that one! I doubt it will happen again anytime soon since we had to cover the cost of airfare until she could pay it back...we are still waiting. So we will not be covering the cost of more tickets ever again. I was actually pretty pissed at my DH for agreeing to it since she doesn't and has never paid a dime in support. He thought he was doing the right thing for the kids. So I don't have to deal with the weekly disruptions that my SC would cause if they went to BM.

However, I do have to deal with an adjustment period with my DD. Her father has her EOW. I can tell you that I dread Thursdays and Mondays when it is her dad's weekend. She acts out before she leaves, and acts up when she returns. I know it must be hard on her, but it's also h..l on everyone else too! I find that if I give her space and time before and after, things are better. I actually tell her to go to her room for some readjustment time. Or I just try to avoid her altogether. It may sound harsh, but it is better than the alternative of arguing (and boy can this 12 year old argue!) Our family counselor even suggested her getting dropped off directly at school after Dad's weekend. This gives her the time she needs.

Frankly I cannot remember much difference in DD's behavior either coming or going. At least nothing major for me to remember. She was difficult in like 7th-8th grade, but she was equally difficult with both of us. lol

I know that DD missed her dad every time she could not see him often enough, I remember one year DD had unusually long period of time not seeing her dad and I found her in her room crying over a picture of dad and her brother (X's son). It just broke my heart.

Now she sees dad more than me because she attends college closer to him. although I do feel jealous sometimes, i am happy that they get compensated for times they didn't see each other as often as they wanted.

I think it is pretty normal for kids to need some time for adjustment when they change houses. as long as it is not out of control.

I go through this adjustment period with my son when he goes to his dads. Before he even leaves he tries to act up! Starts trying to argue with me about things I ask him to do. When he comes back he also acts different. My ex treats him like an adult..even though he is 10! He hears "adult" conversations, watches R movies, and is allowed to say/do things that I do not agree with. Then he comes home and tries to do those things at home and it is a day or 2 power struggle with him. I miss him when he is gone, but dread the day he comes home (if that makes sense!)

With my stepkids it is not as bad because they do not go to their moms often. And when the do they are left to watch tv alone mostly while their mom pays attention to her younger kids.

When they were younger and bm had no other kids they would come home and think we should buy them the world. "My mom has a new truck, my mom has a tv in her truck, my mom takes us to the store and we get to pick out candy and toys--why can't we do that with you?" Those were some key phrases. One time I even got a temper tantrum in the store from middle sd because I would not buy her something and she was used to her mom buying her stuff if she took her to the store.

It is stressful on the kids going back and forth. Two sets of rules and behaviors is confusing and hard to adjust to for them. So your feelings and his behaviors are all normal unfortunately!