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Decisions...

Posted by Notsureaboutthis (My Page) on
Wed, Jan 8, 14 at 17:05

My fiance and I have had the same discussion over and over again and I've finally had it. We are on the brink of breaking up completely. His two daughters 20 & 23 have decided that they want nothing to do with me so if my fiance wants to see his kids, I can't be with him. So on Saturday we are out shopping and going to lunch and having a great day and they called him because they just woke up and wanted Chinese food - now. So we left the mall and he dropped me off at home and went to tend to them. By 7PM (on a Sat) when he still wasnt home, I went to the movies by myself.

He has developed a second life without me and it's like he's having an affair. He calls them in private - in the bathroom the other day... and won't answer the phone if they call in my presence. He has a lot of time off of work so he'll hang at his ex's house all day - but won't tell me. Anyway, I don't have to deal with their selfish disrespectful attitudes directly but it feels like I'm not worth even mentioning to them.

It's taken me six years but last night I told him I couldn't deal with him living 2 lives anymore. And tired of them dictating the terms of our relationship - what I can and cannot attend because they will be there. He truly wants to be around them even thought they treat him so horribly. I don't get it. I gave him an ultimatum that I will not be excluded any longer PERIOD.

My gut is telling me this will never, ever change and he will tell me what I want to hear until I leave. The ring is already off my finger which he is "hurt" about. I don't care! I've been hurt for years and yes I know it's my own fault.

Is there a way that some of you can actually have your husbands live 2 separate lives without it affecting you?


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Decisions...

'he will tell me what I want to hear until I leave.'

correct.

That's exactly how these things go.

& he'll be shocked, & hurt, & bewildered, & claim he had no *idea*...
I don't know why it happens this way, but it does.

& no, nobody, at least nobody who hasn't been reduced to the status of doormat & dustrag, can live with a spouse's 'double life'.

A husband/wife/partner is on *your* side, & it sounds like this guy may enjoy being the prize over which you & his kids fight.

Let them have him.

I wish you the best.


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RE: Decisions...

So, he was in the middle of an outing with you then dropped you like a hot rock when his daughters called? WTF??? Whatever happened to, "I'm sorry, it's not convenient right now as I'm otherwise committed; maybe we could get together tomorrow/next Saturday/whenever"?
What Sylvia said. Listen to your gut. You deserve better than this.


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RE: Decisions...

Hello. :) I was really sad for you reading your story. I have a similar situation, althought the children are younger. My boyfriend (seemingly committed, seemingly 'the one') has set up his life recently at the request of his kids to have 'quality family time' without me. But has also ramped up the pressure and his anger over the fact that the kids and are not in the same 'place' as my kids and him. It's so unfair and hurtful, to let them dictate how our lives go, when we have done nothing wrong to them or their mother. All I wish to do is bond with these children, but am given little opportunity and he is so scared to lose them that I feel they control (and his exw) our lives and my future.

The question as to how to deal with these separate lives is not an easy one. Your partner seems to give nothing, no concession, no empathy, no understanding. Either you keep crying out for help, reassurance and for something to change which constantly puts you and your partner at a conflict... or you realise, my partner is not on the same page as me, is not on my side, I am second best and you live with it. With the hurt and disappointment that goes with it. Either way, it seems a little bit of you and your relationship is dying each time something happens. It's how I feel in a similar situation.

The fact that these 'kids' are adults is even more bizarre. As Sylvia says, he is the 'prize' and enjoys the best of both worlds, his family and you. Though if he does not nurture you nor actually deal with his family problems head on as you would think a strong, decent, compassionate person should, that may not be for much longer.


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RE: Decisions...

you are making the RIGHT DECISION, LEAVE, EXIT. Your BF dumping you off at home, will just continue, if not exacerbate.
It started for me with the teen girls age 11, 15 and s/s 12 at the time stating does she have to sit in the front seat next to you,(dad). Then does she have to go along? They did not even mind insulting me to my face, and their DAd would say NOTHING. Never support me, never tell them that I was his wife and under NO means should they speak to me disrespectful or in that tone. Then they would come for their days and leave the house like a hotel, clothes, towels, dishes on the floor and all over. Habits I knew were too old for a 15 yr. old. They now hate me, tell me to my face because I make them accountable for their behavior and sloppy habits.
Its a funny thing they always want their Dad to take them out for chinese, they only order lowmein noodles every time. Now they are 13 s/d, 15 s/s, 17 s/d, and they sing songs about divorce as they walk around the house, take my makeup, go into my dresser drawers, and what ever. Yes, the ultimate insult event, was I needed 8 hr. back surgery, my husband dropped me off at 5:30 a.m. on the street in front of the hospital, and left me alone. He said he had to take the cat, (his cat) to the vet. My daughter arrived from out of town after the surgery to stay with me. I had heart problems and ended up in ICU, and my husband did not even call my daughter back when she was trying to notify him. My adult & son and daughter let him know what they thought of him. I went to a rehab hospital for 30 days, had a complication, and needed another back surgery on March 25, 13. This time a friend took me to the hospital, and my husbands first wife came and picked me up, because husband said he was too busy.
The open hostility from his kids, and how I am treated made me realize this man does not love me. Who would treat someone like that? Would you treat your worst enemy that way? I since have slowly recovered, and am now looking for work, so I can exit this volatile, hostile, living situation.
I started on antidepressants 6 months ago, but that does not help in such a bleak living situation. I am considering going to another state to live with my daughter, and grandchildren. I am not young anymore, and since the surgery, I have to watch my heart now. I think the heart, blood pressure has all come about since I married this man, and endured these step kids.
Step kids will ruin your life, health, and change your personality. Run, Run, Run from a situation like this, there is only agony, sorrow, grief, and tears.


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RE: Decisions...

Hey Sisterwoman - in reading your post, I feel like I'm staring into a crystal ball - that is probably my future.

My BF has always been there when needed almost so he could use it to remind me when he can't be there.

His kids aren't hostile to me - they just don't want to be around me. I think it has more to do with control than anything else. I know they will never like me no matter what. After our long discussions when he said he didn't want to lose me and will try to change things, I noticed that he was still group texting with the ex and girls and still doing things at the ex's house without telling me. He forgets that these things make their way back to me. But I'm not fighting over it anymore. He's already looking for another place to live as he knows he'll never change his behavior and I'm done putting up with the BS.

My kids are aware and supportive of the decision. Sometimes it so hard because when his girls aren't around, and I don't think about it, it can be really great. But I get sick thinking about the next birthday, holiday, funeral etc....
I don't want to live my life like that and at 48 I may never find anyone else, and I'm okay with that.

I agree with many of you who said that it changes who you are - it knocks you down and then you think maybe this is just what you deserve. Until you realize that you don't have to live like that and start sticking up for yourself - which is what I did. I know it won't change him, but he now knows how much he's hurt me and shows me that he is not the caring person he makes himself out to be. Better know now than after we're married.

I don't blame the kids - just their Dad for not having the balls to stand up to them. When he walks out of here it will be with what he came with....NOTHING. He sucked the life and $ out of me for the past six years... done. All the flags were there - I was blind to them because he "was the one."

Boy was I stupid...


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RE: Decisions...

Not stupid, Nsat, temporarily blinded by the stars in your eyes. Glad to hear you're heading for a good place now.
And you might be surprised, being footloose, fancy free and confident, you may well attract someone new who will treasure you better. Maybe not, but it's always a possibility, which it wasn't when you were encumbered (I'd say "attached", but I think "encumbered" is a better descriptor :-) ).


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RE: Decisions...

Dear Notsureaboutthis:
You are not stupid, just blinded by what you thought was the "good feeling of love." You had the human want and desire like most of us, to give and receive love. One day, our rose colored glasses fall off, and we see the relationship for what it actually is! We are giving far more than we are receiving in the relationship, and there is no compromise. You will do well because you realize you do not need anyone to survive. The next round you will be very wary of those you meet, and scrutinize all intent and purposes or motives. You will find someone who is not selfish, or supports you when his baggage interferes, there will be compromise on both sides of the relationship.
That is the fact that I have discovered, I am now told I need to change, that nobody in the relationship is going to change. That tells me that they are finished with the relationship also, they are not willing to compromise, nor control their kids. On the passive side, he tells me that things will be better once they graduate high school, who in the "h---ll" wants to wait around just to find out they are identical to the treatment you are now getting. Immature adolescents in adult bodies. Your are fortunate to be 44, that is a blessing, you can still reward yourself when you feel you need a treat, you can get up and go to sleep without any put downs.


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RE: Decisions...

Feeling stupid is one of the signs that your self-confidence has been chipped away to nothing.

I have a sort of a theory:

Men, to us women, are a drug.
We start out with 'recreational use', & we like the way the 'drug' makes us feel, & before we know it, we'll do anything to get our daily fix of the 'drug' of choice.

& the drug of choice uses that.

If you met some guy who said,
"Hi, there, I'm attracted to you.
I'd like to see if I can break your spirit & reduce your self confidence to downright pitiful.
& if I can get my hands on your money, make you get rid of your pets, break you loose from your friends & family, well. that's a win-win-win!
for me.
so.
wanna go out with me?",
*nobody* would find herself in a dazed & feeling-stupid mode.

We wouldn't tolerate the intolerable & believe the unbelieveable from a stranger,
& we feel stupid when we realize that we've been accepting & believing someone we trusted.

I've noticed that when a woman quits cold turkey, it takes only a few weeks for her to feel like her old self again.

Get away from him,
get all your stuff (or make him get all of his) on one day,
don't open his emails or respond to his texts or answer his calls,
don't go to your favorite restaurant or listen to 'our song',
if he sends flowers, give them to somebody else who will put them where you can't see them.
etc.

Take care of yourself;
I wish you the best.


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RE: Decisions...

His "kids" sound like immature, spoiled brats. The fact that they are 20 and 23 makes it worse. Children do not get to dictate their parents' relationships, regardless of how old they are. Your fiancé needs to lay down the law for those girls. You are a part of his life now and they can either grow up and accept it or act like a couple brats. If they don't want to be around you than they can be the ones to stay home, not you. He needs to have one life, if they don't want to be a part of it than that's there loss. If he can't stand up to his daughters and start showing respect for you and your relationship than he needs to go.


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RE: Decisions...

It sounds like the kids and the ex are living in a fantasy world where they are all still one family. You don't fit into that picture, so they want to pretend that you don't exist. By playing along in this drama, he is being incredibly rude to you - to the point of being abusive.

Your boyfriend needs to understand that your relationship is the centre of your lives, and that as a couple you will participate in activities with the kids and friends together. He needs to explain that to his kids and his ex. If he can't do this, then it's time to move on.


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RE: Decisions...

but his relationship with her *isn't* the center of his life, &
he & his daughters *are* still one family.


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RE: Decisions...

Correct...I don't fit in the picture, I guess I never did and always thought that it would get better. When he is with me and the kids are away, he does act like our relationship is the center of his life. But then all of this drama is going on behind my back with constant melt-downs with the girls and he's always apologizing to them for ruining their lives with our relationship.

Today BF was stressed out because he received the 1st bill for his daughter's student loan - she graduated in Dec and he agreed to continue to support her in her own apt until May when her lease is up and/or until she gets a job. He can't afford to pay the loan and he can't afford to pay her rent and didn't know what to do. His first call was to his ex wife - asking her advice... He mentioned it to me later in the day but wouldn't tell me how much the monthly payments were, only that they were over $500.00 mo. And "no" I'm not going to help him. Basically these things happen all the time to him.

He says that he doesn't know how to fix the situation we are in. He believes that the only way to have a relationship with his kids is to do it this way - separately - and he says it shouldn't matter to me since he lives with me and spends most of his time with me anyway (that's what his kids and ex say to him all the time).

I think it will be a relief to him when we finally do split up. I've emotionally checked out and we are just going through the motions...I know I can't do this for much longer - he has a big promotional exam in March that he's studying for and we agreed to table this mess until after that.

He basically has no no assets or $ and lots of debt.... For the past 6 yrs this has been the norm for him. Usually I've helped him but have stopped and have actually insisted he increase his monthly payment to me for half the expenses.

It just sucks that he can't figure this out...but at least I feel that I've finally become honest with my feelings on this and realize that it can't continue.


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RE: Decisions...

Correct...I don't fit in the picture, I guess I never did and always thought that it would get better. When he is with me and the kids are away, he does act like our relationship is the center of his life. But then all of this drama is going on behind my back with constant melt-downs with the girls and he's always apologizing to them for ruining their lives with our relationship.

Today BF was stressed out because he received the 1st bill for his daughter's student loan - she graduated in Dec and he agreed to continue to support her in her own apt until May when her lease is up and/or until she gets a job. He can't afford to pay the loan and he can't afford to pay her rent and didn't know what to do. His first call was to his ex wife - asking her advice... He mentioned it to me later in the day but wouldn't tell me how much the monthly payments were, only that they were over $500.00 mo. And "no" I'm not going to help him. Basically these things happen all the time to him.

He says that he doesn't know how to fix the situation we are in. He believes that the only way to have a relationship with his kids is to do it this way - separately - and he says it shouldn't matter to me since he lives with me and spends most of his time with me anyway (that's what his kids and ex say to him all the time).

I think it will be a relief to him when we finally do split up. I've emotionally checked out and we are just going through the motions...I know I can't do this for much longer - he has a big promotional exam in March that he's studying for and we agreed to table this mess until after that.

He basically has no no assets or $ and lots of debt.... For the past 6 yrs this has been the norm for him. Usually I've helped him but have stopped and have actually insisted he increase his monthly payment to me for half the expenses.

It just sucks that he can't figure this out...but at least I feel that I've finally become honest with my feelings on this and realize that it can't continue.


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RE: Decisions...

Notsure-

This is, of course, none of my business. If you can't do this much longer, then feel free to put a stop to it right now.

He has a promotional exam coming up in March. I mean you no disrespect. Why should you care? Promotion or not, you don't plan to be with him - right???? Why take care of him by putting your life on the back burner. Take care of yourself instead. Rip off that band-aid.

This way you get to move on now and he can move on after he takes his exam.

geri


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RE: Decisions...

"Usually I've helped him but have stopped and have actually insisted he increase his monthly payment to me for half the expenses."

It sounds to me like you have been a "rescuer" in this relationship. He is an adult. He is capable of balancing his own budget and he has a responsibility to do so. It was very wrong for him to let you pay his bills. He had no real crisis or emergency. He was just being selfish. But you were too selfless when you paid his bills. That isn't love. That's being taken advantage of. You need to take better care of yourself.


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RE: Decisions...

Stepmom - It's just strange that he never has any money and he makes so much more than I do. Yet I also support 2 kids with very little child support and a household yet I'm still able to save after my bills are paid. What's even stranger is that it doesn't seem to bother him. I'd be mortified if I over-drafted every week on my checking account!

Geri - I know what you mean and my switch has already been flipped and I'm just trying to be decent about the whole thing. I'm not bitter or angry and want to handle this like adults, especially since my boys (17 & 20) are very much involved as well.


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RE: Decisions...

All l can offer to you is my experiences. My situation was very similar when l was engaged. I chose to marry. Twelve and a half years into the marriage let me tell you, it has been a nightmare most days. The children were in their teens when we married. DH was divorced two years when we met. Ex wife is supposedly a devout Christian, but her actions frequently are downright mean, hurtful, and obviously pre-meditated. Ex wife is sickening sweet to us in front of these now adult stepchildren, but STILL undermines every event, interaction, you name it. (The ex has not remarried, doesn't even date... obviously some mental/emotional issues). If l had the time l'd go into details of the depths this woman has stooped to. I have spent the past 12 years taking the higher road. Helped plan and do half of the work for SD wedding. Was treated like the hired help. Helped plan and do half of the work for the first baby shower. It was immediately after that shower l chose to disengage. The reason? Ex wife, during the baby shower, talked about having sex with my DH, when the now pregnant SD was conceived. Room full of women, no one responded, but several afterward called me and said how incredibly rude and insane she acted. And now, even though disengaged, there are times we have to be at events with ex. She NEVER misses an opportunity at these events to bring up vacations she and my DH took, talks about my in-laws as if she is still married to hubby. I could go on. After the last "family" get together for grand baby's 2nd birthday, with ex wife bringing up the usual, DH and I decided we would no longer attend another event if ex is there. We had made this decision about two years ago but had let down our boundaries. Big mistake. So what I can tell you, Notsureaboutthis, is RUN NOW. It is not going to improve, and trust me, it will get worse. The first 10 years of marriage l pulled my hair out trying to get DH see how sick and dysfunctional the situation was. He sees it now, but it is still always a struggle for him and we waste SO MUCH time discussing, etc, when we could be having a good life. I have suffered greatly, my health, which used to be perfect, is awful now. The stress has caused severe problems. So again: move on and find someone you can enjoy your life with.


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love_snowdogs I can relate with the ex drama. Every time we are all together all she talks about is mutual friends, family vacations etc.. Even when his mother was dying, she came and stayed as if she was family and would talk about the "good days when they were an intact family" as I'm sitting there...

I just wish my bf would grow a set of balls - even my ex husband said the same thing. After 6 yrs, I know it's not going to change. I'm sorry that you have had such a difficult time. I know the feeling of hoping it will get better and if we just take the higher road - it will make us a better person. When in reality, we just sacrifice our own self being in order to keep the peace.

I will be leaving this relationship and he's got a good idea of what will be happening. It's just that I do care about him and we do have fun when we ignore the drama. I know, not healthy....


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Notsure, l just read your other post. I feel like you're telling my story! You understand exactly the ridiculousness of the crazy family you are dealing with. I'm sad you feel you must leave, but l wish l'd made that choice years ago. DH and l are in counselling now, so l believe this is the only thing that has gotten through to him. Counselor regularly tells him he needs to put our marriage first, that ex wife is playing a sick game, and has the steps so enmeshed they may never come out of it. So sad, actually, for the steps. You be strong Notsure. Don't know your age, but if you are young, you have so many opportunities ahead of you that you will miss if you don't step way from the insanity of the ex and her kids. Blessings....


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RE: Decisions...

Just a quick update...he moved out on Saturday.. He pocket called me during a venting session with his buddy last week and needless to say, I heard enough. He made it quite easy.

I miss him but I will not miss the drama and his sneaking around. I can now start moving forward and spend some quality, stress free time with my own kids. We parted as friends and decided that we cared about each other too much to carry any hostility or resentment.

Thanks for all the comments and advice!!


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The last words my husband said when he was moving out was, "please, don't do this I will talk to you" The problem was....when he got mad at me he wouldn't talk to me, he was moody. I asked him over and over to tell me what I had done to make him angry and asked him not to shut me out. After 15 years of marriage he still he was surprised when I ended it.


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Good for you because now you are FREE.

I wish I had heeded others advice years ago. Things have changed for us somewhat. I now own my house and all of the assets, so it is DH that will leave when/if that day comes. His adult kid (has three but one is the problem) has financially ruined him and continues to do so. DH is a huge enabler and will not stop. It never ends and their stupid petty controlling their dad bs never ends..and it does negatively affect your health.

I am glad you are free of it now!!

Your life is going to be so much the better for it.

~Cat


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RE: Decisions...

Notsure. I agree with the others that you will not regret the decision. My husband moved out six months ago - into a townhouse with the stepkids, who had completely destroyed our homelife by the time he left. The family friends don't even ask about them. He comes by the house frequently, and talks about getting back together. However, all I can think about is managing the big debt that I've been left with (I was debt-free when we married) and trying to help my daughter adapt to life on our own. I try to feel good about all sacrifices that I made to give the stepkids a good life, but it's hard not to feel resentful now that I don't have enough money to give my own daughter some better opportunities.


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Just when I think I'm getting to a good place - here he comes. We had a long conversation the other night and he said that "he's finding clarity" with being away and realizes the changes he'd need to make in order to move forward in this or any relationship. He said he needs to figure out what it is that makes him feel guilty for being happy in our relationship... Why he won't stand up for us with his girls etc.. He said he eventually wants to move back in but after he has time to figure things out and find a way to change his thought process and behavior.

He's living in his brothers basement - he wants us to continue a watered down version of our relationship, just not live together right now. He requested that I don't date others while he's working on this stuff - as he's doing it for US.

I can't help but think that if he really wanted this relationship, he'd make the changes with out all this "I need time to find clarity" BS. We tried the casual conversations over the phone and I honestly don't know how to act. And now I'm getting angry - I think he's being extremely selfish and trying to keep me hanging. I sent him a text earlier saying 'I'm done and don't call me". This emotional roller coster is terrible!!!


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RE: Decisions...

Good on you. I agree, if he had really wanted to have maintained the relationship the time to have looked for clarity was back when there was still something to save. I suspect his "clarity" is more "I'm alone and living in my brother's basement, I miss the financial support and the sex on tap" than anything.
Don't get sucked in again.


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RE: Decisions...

Colleenoz - Thanks I needed to hear that. You hit it on the head..."financial support and sex on tap." He's essentially homeless and has nothing except his job (which he'll never lose since it's union and a municipality.)

I have a nice home, great kids who respect me, a job I love, I can pay my bills...and don't need this craziness. I think it has to be like a band aid - just rip it off and call it a day!


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