Adding to my post. For those that don't remember. My SD was the one who was babysitting for my friend and we found out that they were just kinda hanging out together, and she was talking with her and telling her the same stories that she had used before with people....I am mean, I do this, and I do that, etc....which you would think with being friends with someone for 22 years, that she would know me better than anyone....but she fell for SD's stories hook line and sinker. Well, the friend and I had a huge blow up, and I am no longer friends with her.
SD was supposed to go into professional counseling then, because she had tried this with my parents as well, and my mom almost fell for it too, but she knows me... but the point is that my SD is unbelievably manipulative and just has a way of getting people to feel sorry for her. Always the victim personality.
I had thought after that huge blow up that she would really try and change, but she just cycles. She can be ok for awhile then she just can't do it anymore and we have a huge blow up again.
But I can't take it anymore. I have given this girl chance after chance after chance and I am just used up.
She will always punish me for the anger that she has towards her own mom. But I can't take that kind of abuse anymore. We have three other kids in the house that need us and love us.
Her dad doesn't want to send her back to her mom's because he is worried she will end up dropping out of school and getting pregnant before she finishes school, or whichever comes first.
Her brother lived with us up until this summer, when he turned 18 and he moved back to his moms because he didn't want to live with our rules (basically he wanted to be able to stay out all night long and Dad said no). He dropped out of his senior year in October, just a few months ago. He is jobless and just being a bum at his moms. There is no work there because it is a tiny town about 60 miles from us. He had a job here with his dad that paid him 12 dollars an hour and he quit that the night he left to go back to his moms.
But...that is my back story a little. Just a little...I have been in these kids lives for going on 13 years. My SD has lived with us for the past 6 years.
I am one worn out step mom. I don't have anything left....and barely anything left for my own children. I hate the tension between my sd and I, you can cut it with a knife. It makes me so uncomfortable in my own home. That makes me sad.

Wildthing, you're likely right that SD could benefit from some sort of counseling... whether or not what she tells others about you could be considered out-and-out LIES or are just her version of events being told out of spite or hurt. The counseling would be important, then, so that some of the core issues could be addressed in an outlet which doesn't 'require' her to feel like she has to blab family business to anyone who'll listen. That tends to happen when someone is feeling very alone in their upsets and craves validation for their feelings and perceptions... or just an outlet to vent them. A therapist can help reassure her that it's okay to have certain feelings while encouraging her to keep the expression of these feelings from being directed inappropriately.

So in other words, the point shouldn't be that SD "needs therapy" because she's "been bad" or because she is "damaged goods" or "f***ed up". Anyone would rebel against those kinds of implications and develop long-term seething resentment over it. The point should be that she could benefit from some guidance as to how to sort through and properly channel her feelings and some advice about what her part could be in conflict resolution.

It also would not hurt at all to suggest that you all go as a family. (At least you, DH ad SD if not all the kids together, depending on whether or not there are also serious step-sibling issues). Apart from being a gracious way to acknowledge that SD's issues don't exist in a vaccuum but within the context of a group dynamic between all of you, it would benefit you all to learn about more effective conflict resolution because a conflict inherently involves more than one side. She's much, much less likely to resent being told she needs counseling if she isn't made the sole source of any and all problems and it's acknowledged that the whole family could benefit from professional advice to deal with each other.

Serenity, thanks for the words of advice.
I wish I could say truthfully that my sd didn't need therapy, but she does. I don't think it is because she is "bad", she just has big issues that she doesn't know how to deal with. Plus I am tired of being her target. There is way more to all of it then just "expressing feelings inapppropriately."
I mean she is almost 16 and acts much like a 12 year old in many ways. We have worked with her tirelessly over the past years and it all seems for naught most of the time. She would rather be in opposition to us then anything. From the simple things to the more complex.
Her brother was the same way.
I mean I have had other kids in my home and helped out, and they are very appreciative of the attention and the direction. But some of my skids issues are so deep that it prevents them from progressing in many areas.
But she is here still.
If I didn't care i wouldn't be here at all. But I guess part of me doesn't want to care anymore.
I am sure her dad and I will go to some of the counseling sessions. I hold little hope however.
We went down this road with her brother, and the results were disappointing. I know she is not her brother, but I can't explain how their behaviors coincide now. But they do.
I wouldn't have thought she would behave the same way years ago, but it seems as though the behaviors were delayed in her and manifested a lot earlier in her brother.
I have been through much with them and just want peace now.

Well, the friend and I had a huge blow up, and I am no longer friends with her.

wildthing,

My husband and I have this problem and we've lost a number of friends as well as members of HIS family, only it's not my SDs, it's actually BM, who goes around also crying and "playing the victim" and making up all kinds of lies to others, to recruit them into assisting her in breaking up our marriage so she can try to get my husband to reconcile with her.

BM cheated on and dumped him, and even his own MOTHER was functioning as her "co-conspirator" for about 24 years and would be still be at it today if she hadn't passed away last year. She has seduced (as in had sex) friends, colleagues and coworkers, both my husband's as well as mine to try to cause problems between us, and also to give her a legitimate excuse to show up at our business and social functions! She has literally "stalked" him at his job. We've lost many friends and also have had to cut contact with several members of HIS family as a result.

This has been going on for 25 years now. My husband cut contact with her 15 years ago and she did leave us alone for a number of years after that, but after dumping her last husband has started back up. After her last stunt we had an attorney threaten her with legal action.

She's caused some problems with SDs as a direct result, but really, only with my oldest, and I know she's being fueled with BM's guilt and pity trip and she's married now and no longer living with us.

But a direct result of BM causing problems in her marriage as well, SD had a complete nervous breakdown, is in therapy and on 3 different medications just so she can "cope". I'm avoiding SD for the time being completely, not because I'm upset with her. I do feel bad having to say this, but I've kind of had enough as well.

Yes, I am "trying" to do my own thing here, and focus on the little ones, and my son. But as soon as I do that, then sd starts sulking around the house and avoiding everyone, like she has to be the center of our universe or nothing.
ARRRGG!