It sounds like this is all still relatively new to your SS. You and your DH have been married for 7 months, together for a year. (or were you together for a year before you got married?) Either way, that is not that much time in the grand scheme of things and it sounds like SS is just trying to find his place in this new family. Of course he wants/needs that reassurance that he is still just as important to dad as before. I think he is craving this alone time as a way of reassurance. I think your DH needs to accomodate him as much as possible. It does sound like he's already doing a good job of spending time alone with his son and fostering that relationship. I would just encourage him to keep that up, but maybe you can all make an effort to do some family activities. Go hiking or bike-riding as a family some weekend. If it's cold, go to a movie or bowling. The more ways you can find to ALL spend time together, the more SS will feel comfortable with this new family. Hang in there and be patient!

Here is what I put on the other post: I know I will take a bunch of heat for this, but I don't want you to feel alone. I have dealt with a very similar situation with my FSD. I grew up with lots and lots of boundaries put in place. I had a close relationship with my father, and do to this day. It has never been inappropriate or less than functional. I credit those boundaries for that. I have no "daddy" issues that I need to work out through my relationships with other men or my son. I feel as though I had a well-rounded influence from both of my parents and I have always wanted that for both my DS and FSD. I had a HUGE adjustment to make when I found out all people don't have boundaries like mine. When I started dating BF, I felt that he was a little "too close" with FSD. I figured that was because of the divorce and he was trying to help her feel secure. But it just kept getting worse as the years went on. It was to the point that if, for whatever reason, I wasn't home at night, he would let her sleep in our bed. Now we're not talking about a small child. She was almost 8 when we met and this continued for a few years. A few times she would intentionally walk in on me naked. I knew it was intentional because she would have to go through 2 sets of doors to get to where I was getting dressed. There were definitely other issues. One day, she left her backpack at our home. BF took the backpack to her house early that morning before she left for school. He rang the doorbell and FSD answered the door stark naked. First of all, why is SF allowed to see her naked? Second, why would she ever think she could answer the door to her own father naked? There were definitely boundary issues. That was his fault. He never actually talked to her about what proper father-daughter relationship should be. He never explained his and mine relationship. I feel as though she thought she and I were loving her dad in the same way. I tried talking to him, but it did no good. I e-mailed him articles and stuff. Those helped a lot, but it was still weird. But, as Serenity said, my suggestion is treat each boundary issue differently. Dont lump them all together. Maybe start with the sleeping issue. Both of you can talk to her in a loving and concerned way, but also be plain and clear. Then maybe go into a modesty issue (re the towel). Tell her that's she's getting boobies now and blah, blah, blah. Let her know that there IS a difference between your relationship with her dad and hers. Once she learns that, she'll understand. Plus, when she gets her period, I doubt she'll want dad to have anything to do with her. LOL!

Cat - Well, the end result is we are making plans to get married. Yes, things got DRASTICALLY better and we have more promise than ever before! Before we split, he would never make me a priority. I always had to take a backseat to his work, his daughter and whatever else was going on in his life. At first, I understood and happily moved aside to let him take care of all those other things, until he started to use those things against me. He used his work and his daughter to get out of doing things with me. For instance, he didn't want to go to a New Years Eve event with me so he actually ASKED his X if he could have her that night instead of just asking me to stay home with him. He used his child against me. Another time, he didn't want to attend a wedding for some coworkers of mine so he arranged to have an oil change done on his work truck at the same time that we were supposed to leave. So I attended the wedding alone. He also refused to be involved with anything dealing with my DS. For instance, DS was playing in a baseball tournament in a town 2 hours away. Instead of telling me he didn't want to go (which would not have gone over very well with me since I was actively involved with FSD's activities) or sucking it up and going for the sake of DS, he called FSD and convinced her how boring it would be to go and then told me that she didn't want to go so I could go by myself. After dealing with things like this that continued to escalate, I was done. I had no feelings remaining and I was pretty much numb. I told him I didn't love him anymore and he was pretty hurt. After a few days he realized that I wasn't coming back. He started being more open to talking about the things he never wanted to talk about before. He started doing some self-searching and admitting that he was doing some of the things I had said he was doing before. Funny thing was that for the previous 4 years, he hadn't listened to not one of my concerns about our relationship or his health. After we started talking openly, he acted like all of the things I was saying were new information. I told him that I've been talking to him about these things for years. But I think what it was was that he was now open to admitting he had some faults instead of being defensive and believing he was doing nothing to cause our problems. He actually told me that he was worried that one of the reasons he didn't want to marry me was because he thought I might get fat like my mom (who has 2 different kinds of Thyroid diseases). It was pretty hypocritical for someone who hadn't worked out in over 10 years, chewed tobacco and drank a 12-pack of beer every night to suddenly be concerned about MY health when I was going to the gym 3 times a week and dieting. He started working out, eating better and being more concerned about his health instead of eating unhealthy, being lazy and expecting all of us to do the same. After years of trying to help him be healthy by example and not succeeding, he lost 30 lbs. and went down 4 shirt sizes within 3 months. He probably added 10 to 15 years back to his life. It wasn't about vanity. It was about caring about us and himself enough to be healthier and avoid expensive medical problems (that were coming on rapidly). He started being more involved with DS. He started showing up to his games, calling to find out how certain events went, and genuinely caring for a child he had known since the child was 3. He didn't do that for me. I believe, and still do, that he genuinely recognized the damage he was causing DS with his indifference. The biggest change was his involvement with me. He WANTED to attend things with me. He would do whatever he could to be with me and convince me that he was really going to work on things. Before he would give excuses why he couldn't go somewhere with me. It was to the point where a lot of my friends had never even met him. Now, it's expected that we will be together and he's the main attraction when we go somewhere. He's funny and charming. It's really amazing. We would never talk about marriage before. Well, I say "we", but I mean "he". It was like a bad word to him. He was never ready to let the past go and get healing. No way would he go to counseling. He still hasn't gone, but at least he's confronting his problems now and trying to make our relationship stronger. I fell head-over-heels in love with him all over again! I had hope again where I had lost it before! I had all those old stirrings whenever he would hold my hand or I would see his name on my cell phone. And now, a year later, I still do. Sure, we have to fight reverting back to the old ways. But at least now we know that what we have is worth fighting for. It took him having to be without me for him to realize what I meant to him. And all of the times before, he knew I wasn't ready to leave. But this time I was. And that scared him to death.

Well, Lola, I think we're all a bit relieved you didn't leave a middle schooler with two college boys so you could move across country to be with a man and his kids only to complain that he was parenting his kids! Couple questions: How old are his kids? How long have they been divorced? Who instigated the divorce? It seems he has an established life and pattern with this woman. It seems that either he doesn't want to change the pattern, or he doesn't know how, or he does, but doesn't want to make waves. Anyway you look at it, it sucks. I hate the ex-wife call, the ex-girlfriend call, etc. My poor DH has to listen to my DD talk on the phone with my ex 4-6 times a week. On speaker phone. And let me tell you, my ex is SUPER annoying to listen to for me, so imagine how he must feel!!!!! (oh, right, you already know! :) As for voices/personality changes, I've noticed kids change voices with different adults, as adults change voices with kids. I think this is pretty common. My DH gets a high pitched voice around my DD that drives me nuts, but she seems to like it. My DD gets a little more pouty and introverted around him than me. I think it's just because she doesn't know him as well as she knows me. Your husband may be feeling awkward in his dual roles as lover and father (not to mention how to act around the ex) and unsure of how to be the middle man. "I've taken them in too many times to count for dinner, rides and washing their clothes without so much as expecting a Thank You from anyone." You'll probably catch flak for that statement. You married a man with kids. Expect to do a lot of things without a thank you, you are now a mom with all the stress and strain and without the benefit of automatic mommy love. It's a rough road, and you earn every callous on your patience, heart and hands. So about him changing when the boys are around. Can you talk to him about this, ask him casually if he's noticed he has a split personality? (not in those words, of course!) About her... yeah... not much you can do. Time will take care of that, unless they're planning to live across the street from one another for the rest of their lives. Then, retirement could be a little less relaxing than planned, right? "Honey, take your cane when you go out to get her groceries and put on her snow tires, it's slippery out there"! LOL. Sorry, not trying to laugh at your misery but the image was pretty funny!!! Six years is a long time. Where will the boys be school-wise at that time? Would they go with you? Or would they stay with mom? I'm pretty uncomfortable with the whole situation, frankly. How long did you know him before moving cross-country to live with him in his town in his life with his kids? Ohhh, one suggestion? Have you ever considered doing the phone answering and chore doing yourself? Answer the phone, oh hi _______, I think the mauve eyeshadow will compliment your eyes better, and was that cream of chicken soup you needed? You're a team, I bet your husband might enjoy not having to do as many chores where she is concerned and she'd probably get really tired of dealing with you. Plus, a couple of wrong purchases might convince she's better off doing her own shopping. Progresso? I thought you said store brand! Oops, my bad! Say, did you know there's a great grocery delivery place? I have their number somewhere... I'm sure you're tired of having to depend on us!