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Weight Issues

Posted by gooseegg (My Page) on
Wed, Jan 23, 08 at 15:23

As I was reading another thread, a weight issue came up, and since my SD has a severe one, I thought i would share.

My SD is 15 and is seriously overweight. When i first met my husband, i was shocked to see his daughter so heavy, considering that he works out like crazy. His ex was very heavy, still is, and so i wasnt sure what to think yet.

As time went on, i pretty well learned what the issues were. Her bm never fed her what she and husband had to eat, and only fed her chicken nuggets and burgers and stuff. so now, she not only refuses to eat good food, but anything healthy. When we told her that she needed to eat what we had made for dinner, she would "gag" dramatically until she "couldnt" eat anymore, or she wouldnt eat at all. Now, we are not talking liver and onions, we are talking baked chickens and other "normal" foods with vegatables and fruits. Then come to find out she was sneaking food from the freezer, pantry and even others houses when she went over there to see friends. When we found this out, we took all junk food out of our house, so there would be no temptations. We started her on an excersice program, but she couldnt do that either because she got headaches, stomach aches, cramps, her ankles hurt, she was too hot and so on. And this was her choice of excercise.

After many many months of positive encouragement, we got her weight down noticably. she was feeling and looking good. THEN she goes to her bms for the summer. she gained every pound and then more in a time frame of 6 weeks!!! her bm will not feed her healthy foods, in fact, just the opposite, fried and greasy foods, cakes, cupcakes, cookies, and everything else. when husband confronted her about it, she said, no we are on a diet. and then had the audacity to tell my husband that she looked like she had gained weight from her time with us!! she was down 2-3 pant sizes and was excersing regularly with us!!!!

Needless to say, that now she lives down there with her bm, her weight has ballooned again, and all we can do is help her out when she is down with us for visits.

her bm complains about her weight, but refuses to do anything about it because then she would have to do something about her own weight issues. this woman is extremely messed up!!!!

anyway, i just wanted to share my experience with that.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Weight Issues

""At my worst moments, I think the woman gets a payoff from seeing her own daughter rejected by the other kids, but of course thats probably my own prejudice against her that leads me in that direction. I know mom isnt happy with herself, and I truly believes she doesnt want her children to be happy with themselves either. If they have friends, then they wont need mom as much , or some such mixed up thinking. ""

as i commented on the other thread, this was perfectly my sentiments about the bm. i can honestly say that this is how not only myself, but my husband see it. Everything around her is large, the dogs are overweight, the cat, the 2 kids, the BF and herself. My husband has made the comment that she is not happy until everything around her looks like her, so they are more accepting of her, and she is not the "odd" one out, so to speak. Truely disturbing.

This goes into the fact that this involves the SD, not only physically (as she already has severe stretch marks and loose skin) but emotionally, and definitely affects her self being and own self awareness issues.


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RE: Weight Issues

now, I am not a skinny women by any means... I have big boobs, a big butt... I am curvy... but to allow your child to get grossly overweigth is child abuse imo. With how many many many health problems it causes it is just sickening that someone should be allowed to do that to their child.


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RE: Weight Issues

I am tired of SM's blaming the children's weight on the way they were raised by the mother. I have six children - at various times some have been somewhat heavy, some average, some quite thin. I raise them all the same way. They all had the same dinners offered to them. They have the same parents, but they are just different people.


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RE: Weight Issues

TOS- if sd only eats unhealthy meals at bm's then it sure is bm's fault sd is overweight!!! Who else is to blame? This is not a SM just wants to blame BM thing.....it is a BM is not keeping her child healthy thing!!!!!!!!!!

My middle sd was heavy when I first came into the picture, not because of eating poorly, but because she was allowed to eat too much! We would sit down to a meal and the girl would eat more than me and her father, and I am a good eater. Both parents and grandparents had encouraged "eat everything on your plate" and encouraged seconds. She developed too much of an appetite and never learned what it meant to feel full and stop. After being with my dh for a while he would ask me if I thought she was big for her age...the topic came up after trying to clothes shop for her and no pants that fit her in the waist and butt were ther right length...they were all way too long. I told him my thoughts.

Because it was summer we just did a lot of outdoor activities (swimming, bike-riding, walking, etc.)with all the kids. We tried to cook healthier and give each child the right size portions and not cook so much that we had leftovers. She lost the extra weight and never even felt self-conscious.

Was it my dh's fault that she was overweight? Well ya, but it did not make him a horrible person and he was not feeding her all junk food...just too much food.


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RE: Weight Issues

I believe compusive overeating is about self-esteem not diet and exercise. My father put me on a diet when I was 14 or so. In an effort to please him I ended up weighing 90 lbs. I am nearly 6ft tall. Compulsive overeating can turn to bulimia and/or anorexia just that quick.
Things that have helped me with my weight didn't include a diet. Sports and counceling encouraged a miraculous change that has stayed with me my entire life. I now weigh 145lbs and have been doing Martial Arts for 15 yrs.


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RE: Weight Issues

I don't think it is my fault that one of my kids tended to be heavy or that another one is really thin. It has a lot to do with their metabolism. I would hate to see any of them obsess about it.


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RE: Weight Issues

I know what you mean about metabolism, tos (I eat less now than I used to & yet I weigh more!), but you didn't feed your kids cupcakes & twinkies & chicken nuggets & deep-fried everything, like this woman is doing.


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RE: Weight Issues

TOS: It is understandable that different people have different metabolisms and body structures. I have 4 sisters, and though I am the oldest I am the shortest and the thinest. My sisters ate less than me growing up. My parents/stepparents did not feed us junk though. It was a metabolism issue.

The situation at hand is a girl whose BM feeds her junk and she is overweight. That is very unhealthy for her and can lead to problems such as diabetes. If it was the father and sm feeding her all junk it would be just as bad. No matter what way you look at it the situation needs to change, this is obviously not a case of just a slow metabolism. It is a dietary issue.

With my sd it was also a dietary issue. We did not tell her she was on a "diet". We just monitered her portions and all of ours and began a more active lifestyle.


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RE: Weight Issues

All three of my children have different body types as well as metabolism. (they all have different fathers) but my middle son is very overweight. He is built exactly like his father. In fact, when we went to court a few months ago, he looks so much like his dad, they even dress alike. (weird because they have never met)

Now that my son has begun talking to his father, he sent him some pictures of his other kids (with his wife, who is also overweight) and all of his kids are athletic looking to just slightly overweight. It crumbled my theory that he just takes after his dad. There is certainly genetics working but there probably could have been more that I could have done to keep him from getting so big. That really makes it my fault because I am his mother. Since he's been in college, he takes a PE class every semester and has been working out. He's lost quite a bit but still pretty big guy. My older son is thin as a rail (he can eat anything) and my daughter fluctuates and struggles to not gain.

My SD was so overweight when I met her dad, I assumed her mom was overweight too. Her dad is very thin. Then I met her mom and saw that her mom and sister are also thin. Everyone in both families is thin. When I saw how my husband and BM feed her, it's no wonder she was heavy. They both used to eat out all the time, order her grown up meals, etc. Knowing what I know from my son, I convinced my husband that she was eating too much and too much junk. Of course, since we got together, we don't eat out much because I am a good cook. He cut back on portions and she had a couple of growth spurts and thinned out nicely (not skinny but very healthy range) and she feels better, has more energy and isn't being teased anymore. BM gets mad because we don't give her junk, so she gives her as much as she wants.. then when she comes back, none of her clothes fit. With her, it is definitely how much and what she is eating, not just her metabolism. Although, she could eat more if she had a faster metabolism, so that's only part of it.


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RE: Weight Issues

We have this issue on the other end of the spectrum. SD's mom is constantly "dieting" and complaining about how fat she is, though there have been times she has seemed almost too thin. This causes SD, who is in good shape and a perfectly healthy weight, to look at herself with much scrutiny and declare herself fat because she can "pinch an inch" (but not more than that!) at 12. Rather than encouraging her to eat well though, the lesson by example is not to eat, or to eat crackers and water. I have explained that dieting leads to ballooning when real foods are eaten again and SD gets it, but after a weekend there she will come back not wanting a roll with dinner because "bread is fattening."

It all comes down to healthy choices. Kids all have different bodies and metabolisms, but if they are taught to eat well they will be healthy. Who cares about fat vs. thin??


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RE: Weight Issues

JNM, you reminded me of my cousin. She was not a very good mom. She used to go on diets and not feed her kids dinner because she skipped dinner. Her kids were 6 & 9 and used to come down to my apartment (she lived upstairs in the same complex) and I would feed them. A few years later, she lost custody of them to their father. It was really better for them. She went on to have three more kids and didn't really take care of them. One ended up in a youth correctional facility before he was 16. Very sad.


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RE: Weight Issues

Hubby and I had only been married a short time... in that time his 15 yr old had atleast 4 cases of strep throat tonsilitis(sp?) On one visit to the drs... I say to the pediatrician "Shouldn't she have her tonsils out? wouldn't that fix most of this" he refers her to a ENT... he schedules surgery the next week... ok she has the surgery.... 2 weeks after the surgery she is still not eating throat still sore all that good stuff .... I take her in for her recheck she complains the Dr. I haven't eaten in days I chimed in yeah she's probably lost 10 pounds.... the pediatrician turns to me and says "well she could stand to lose a few pounds anyway"... (Yes she was/is a little chunky but not morbidly obese by any means)I wanted to flip my lid ... not my kid he's been the family doctor for years... All I could muster up was ... Well couldn't we all but I have already had my tonsils out. That was the last time she saw that doctor.

Before the defenders of SM should not be taking SC to the doctors .... this child's BM disappeared over 10 years ago. I didn't authorize surgery dad did.... but all I kept thinking during this time was why did this dr. wait till she was 15 to have this done I am sure she has been getting infections for a long time they didn't just appear the same time I did.


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RE: Weight Issues

i just read all of this, and to TOS, i am calling you out on your comment "I am tired of SM's blaming the children's weight on the way they were raised by the mother." that is your opinion, however; in my case, it is the BM's fault, solely. We have done everything to counter what she has done. I completely stand by my statement and my blame.

Now only on one level do i not blame the Bm. even though she is the one that refused to have her eat what everyone else ate when she was smaller, and no matter what my husband said, at that point in her life, my husband should have put his foot down, and because i wasnt there at that time, i cant imagine how those conversations went. so for that, i wont balme anyone, or will blame the both of them.

But now, i do blame the bm. she is the one that had our SD bake cookies, cupcakes, cakes and feed her out every meal with fried chicken strips, fries, burgers, etc.. and this was AFTER we told the BM that we had her on a smaller portion, healthier lifestyle, not diet, lifestyle. We also told her that she was excersing every day for 20 minutes. this was a major MAJOR accomplishment on our part (see original post) and we also told her that we had taken her to the doctor to make sure it was not a medical issue and the doctor had told us that this is the path we needed to go with her and that SD needed to loose quite a bit weight for health reasons, if nothing else.

my husband and i have never, and i mean NEVER told her she was fat, obese, gross or any negative comment. in fact, we have told her she is beautiful. the only thing we have told her is that medically, we all could learn to eat better and excersice more for our own health.

Her BM is the one that made a comment to my husband when picking her up one day, in front of my SD, about how much weight she looked like she gained, and that her clothes were too small for her, when in fact she had lost around 20-25 pounds, gone down 2-3 pant sizes, and her clothes were too big for her!!!

When she came back after the summer, she had gained it all back, and it wasnt hard to figure out why when SD told us what the kept eating. my husband reminded SD several times about how great she was feeling and to keep up the great work to keep her focused. but that is hard when you have a overweight BM cooking you fatty foods all the time. her will power is not as strong as someone elses.

When SD recently decided to go on her own "diet" because of a group effort at school, her BM did everything to make sure she didnt stay on it. she offered her ice cream, took them out to eat and even though my SD did loose a few pounds on her own, she had completly NO support from her BM, just the opposite. Which made things so much harder on SD. The BM is completly fearful that her own daughter would be much happier with her own self if she were to "improve" upon her self. My own opinion on that is it is easier to control and manipulate a person who is unhappy, rather than happy.

So, to sum up, yes, i do blame the BM for her eating habits and alot of her weight issues. And unless you are just trying to contrary, then i think in my case you would agree as well.


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RE: Weight Issues

Good Lord,

I dont blame the mother. There is plenty of blame to go around for the fact that a large number of kids are "hefty", especially in the South.

Kids ( and adults) dont go outside because its hot and sticky. They sit in air conditioned rooms watching tv or on the computer instead of walking. People drive everywhere, even to the corner store. They eat out at all you can eat buffets, or restaurants with huge portions.In the supermarket, there are aisles after aisles devoted to fast processed premade convenience foods, and only one aisle for the veggies. Most eat too much, of the wrong kind of food, and in far too large portions.

Heck, even the school menu.....hot dogs and fries one day, fried chicken the next, double bacon cheeseburgers yet another day.

Food in America is cheap, fast, plentiful, and not all that good for you.

Its all of our faults for buying into a culture in which activity is discouraged and gluttony is encouraged.

People tend to gain weight once they have babies, or once the hit thier forties and fifties. That means they had forty years of healthy weight behind them. Kids who are fat, or teens who are, will NEVER be free of weight problems and when they finally reach middle age, they will have already had forty years of strain on their bodies from the extra weight. We do them a disservice to not make healthier living for everyone a priority.

Its just the cruelest of jokes that, as a society, we encourage fat, and then at the same time, children who are bigger are subject to ridicule and isolation.


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RE: Weight Issues

There is plenty of blame to go around. Since microwave ovens were invented and there's a Taco Bell or McDonald's every few blocks in most cities (and just about every small town I've lived in had at least one or two), there has been a decline in families sitting around the dinner table at meals & cooking healthy nutritious food. We live in a society that requires most families to have dual income, working parents are usually too tired to come home and often choose convenience. Many people don't even know how to cook at all. And sure the school lunch programs in a lot of places really sucks. And if you do eat out, it's only ten cents more for a larger soda or for forty-nine cents, you can 'super' size it. THAT encourages us to get more for our money, so to speak. and fatter.

But Kathline, I disagree that the Mother is not to blame. Who is to blame for children's eating? Isn't it THE PERSON THAT FEEDS THEM!!?? (young) Children don't choose what to eat, unless you allow them to. In most cases, the mom is the one responsible for meals. If it's dad, step mom, grandma or anyone else that makes the meals or food choices for the child, they are also to blame. When the child is old enough to get themselves to fast food or a store and buy their own junk food, then it is their responsibility what they put in their mouth. And if you don't want your kids to eat junk food, don't buy it. If the school lunches are junk, pack them one. If you work and don't have a lot of time, use a crock pot or pre-make healthy meals.

When I was a single parent, I used to spend all day Sunday cooking & freezing meals that could be put in the oven each night, otherwise I would find myself buying pizza, taco bell or Mc Donald's. I worked ten hours and sure didn't want to cook when I got home, but I wanted my kids to eat healthy. And like I said before, all three of my kids have different body styles/ metabolism and it was my mistake to feed them all the same. As a mom, I should have used portion control with my son that had a weight problem. His brother could eat anything and not gain so he always ate a lot more than he should have and always looked like he never ate at all.

But to blame society is a cop out and as ridiculous as the person that sues McDonalds because they are fat. This is what I'm talking about: TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY!

If my SD eats portion controlled healthy food at our house and isn't overweight and goes to her moms and eats junk food all weekend and can't fit into her clothes on Monday, then it IS MOM'S fault. It would be dad's fault if the situation were reversed. This isn't an issue of SM vs BM or dad. The blame falls on the shoulders of who is allowing a child to overeat or eat wrong.... or encouraging it.

I agree that society needs to wake up and make changes, but that isn't going to happen until we all stop going to the fast food joints and keeping them in business. I don't see that happening soon and it's still up to us to be personally responsible for what we do. (and it irritates me to death that soda & Kool Aid are so much cheaper than 100% fruit juice and milk. It does cost more to eat healthy but in the long run, you save in medical bills and longer life)


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I was irate!

"(and it irritates me to death that soda & Kool Aid are so much cheaper than 100% fruit juice and milk. It does cost more to eat healthy but in the long run, you save in medical bills and longer life)"

Gee, thanks Ima, you just reminded me of the fury I was in at the grocery store the other day. (I wasn't mad at A__, I was mad at the the grocery store)
The milk and refrigerated juices are in the same wall of coolers. We told A__ that he could "pick fancy juice or flavoured milk that cost up to $5" - this lets him choose his own healthy beverages and teaches him to budget, so we do this sort of thing a lot. Right in front of the juice and milk cooler was a HUGE display of 99cent 2L pop. Of course, A__ saw this and wanted 10L of pop for his allotted $5, instead of choosing the juice and milk. BF said "No, it's juice and milk or nothing. There are two cans of pop for you at home" and he chose some with minimal grumbling (see, we ARE making progress - six months ago he would have cried, shouted that he hated us for being mean and run out of the store to hide in the car)...
But I was so hopping mad at the store for putting the pop with the healthy beverages that I told A__ to go pick the fruit for tomorrow's breakfast on his own so that I could have an inappropriate language outburst about it to my BF and not worry about A__ hearing me swearing like a sailor and calling the grocery store merchandisers "a bunch of greedy sell-out sh!7heads who couldn't identify an altruistic choice if it bit them on the @ss!!"
My BF found my outburst extremely amusing but was glad I had the foresight to send A__ to the produce section before I flew off the handle about the grocery store being run by "money-grubbing right-wing d!cks who are willing to sacrifice the well-being of their customers just to put a little extra lining in their pockets!"

Ooooh was I mad.


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RE: Weight Issues

No, I don't think you can blame the mother (or the many fathers who do the cooking). I have one child who has always been somewhat heavy, yet she hasn't eaten in a fast food restaurant for years, and she has never had a can of soda in her entire life. She eats a wonderfully varied and nutritious diet. My teenager, on the other hand, eats quite a bit of fast food, and she is quite thin.

I would be a lot happier with school lunches if they actually offered whole milk instead of that undrinkable bluish stuff they call 1%. Then my kids wouldn't have to buy chocolate milk in order to choke it down. And no, I am not going to send milk in a thermos - I have never forgotten how awful that tasted after a few hours in my locker.


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RE: Weight Issues

Again TOS...you did not feed your child junk food constantly, so their weight problem is genetics at work. But, a child who is fed junk food and is overweight is most likely overweight because of the junk food!!! Gooseegg said sd was losing weight when eating healthy and exercising regularly at their home. So it is obvious that the weight gain upon return to bm's home is because of poor eating habits. Now, if bm was feeding her daughter mostly healthy foods, as you have fed your heavier child, then the weight would not be attributed to poor eating habits.

Are you saying that it is okay for bm to feed her daughter mostly junk foods? Is this the proper way to take care of her daughter? When her daughter develops diabetes, high cholesterol, and other weight realated problems after eating a diet consisting of mostly junk food will it still be no big deal?

I think that parents are responsible for teaching their children good eating habits. As a parent I buy mostly healthy foods for dinners and fruits and veggies to snack on. Sure, we ocassionally have ice cream or cake, but our diet does not consist of mostly sweets and sugars.


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RE: Weight Issues

"I would be a lot happier with school lunches if they actually offered whole milk instead of that undrinkable bluish stuff they call 1%. Then my kids wouldn't have to buy chocolate milk in order to choke it down."

Geez, 'choke it down'.. lmao

I switched to 1% many years ago & loved it. Then, a few years ago, I went to non fat/skim milk. I can't choke down 2% or regular milk because it leaves a milk fat film in my mouth. YUCK! I guess it's all in eye of the beholder.


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RE: Weight Issues

I am suprised that the high class neighborhood school TOS sends her kids to doesn't have milk choices. I teach in a high poverty area and they have 2%, 1%, skim, and chocolate!

Perhaps that wonderful exh of TOS's could do something about the milk at school situation...I'm sure before they had kids they discussed what to do in this situation!
LMAO


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RE: Weight Issues

I am not sure what your point is, mom2emall, but back in the old days (i.e. 15 years ago) all schools served whole milk. It is only with the onset of this stupid obsession with "healthy eating" that they got rid of whole milk - with the result that kids drink nothing or spend lots of money on energy drinks.


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RE: Weight Issues

I send my 12 year old to school with a chilled bottle of water to drink.
Healthier than juice (less sugar).
Healthier than non-organic milk (no hormones).
Certainly healthier than soda (no chemicals).
Ecologically friendlier than any single-portion drink.
And the price is perfect!
Refill a bottle of tap water half-full nightly and freeze it. Fill the rest in the morning with cold water. Use the bottle to keep the rest of the lunch cold, and drink the water.
It doesn't get any better than that...


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RE: Weight Issues

all through my school years and now my kids... it has always been that disgusting water milk (I dont even think it fully classifies as milk) or chocolate milk... and to add insult to injury they started putting the milk in these clear plastic bags that resembles a breast implant (and was a running joke through school) On top of that the only taste friendly option as far as food went (and goes still) was the "junk" line that served soda pizza candy popcorn ..you get the idea.

The schools in no way shape or form encourage healthy eating in their students. It is almost ridiculous. You attend mandatory health class in school but you walk into the lunch room and the same organization offers you anything but healthy alternatives.


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RE: Weight Issues

TOS...my point is that you had no real point. The thread began as someone pointing out that a bm feeds her child mostly junk and sugary foods, which has resulted in the child being overweight. Then you go off on a tangent on metabolism, which clearly has no bearing on this girl....she is being fed foods that are not good for her.

"It is only with the onset of this stupid obsession with "healthy eating" TOS quoted

That onset is a result of so many obese americans and so many health issues that have come up because of it! Funny how you never answered my questions about if it was acceptable for a parent to feed her child only junk foods.......but then you argue a point about whole milk!

As far as school foods go, the school I work at took away all chips and cookies and replaced them with more fruits, veggies, and pretzels. Healthy eating is important, whether children have weight problems or not. And as a parent it is our responsibility to have healthy foods for our children to eat and limit their intake of junk foods and sodas. The bm being talked about here was not doing so, which resulted in her daughter having a weight problem. Even if a slow metabolism is at work here, the junk food diet is not helping the situation. Come on TOS...how can you argue this one? You probably won't!!! Now you will bring up some other issue or detail instead of admit the obvious....that the bm should not be feeding her child mostly junk food.....if the bm did not have it in her house and did not feed it to her child then her child would not be eating it!


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RE: Weight Issues

In my opinion, there is nothing better in the world than fresh, whole milk from a glass bottle. The difference between that and two week old 1% milk in a plastic bottle is the difference between night and day. In my part of the country, BST-free milk is the norm, because most of the dairy farms are fairly small family farms. Milk is very nutrient rich. Water is fine for rehydration, but when you are trying to stuff as many calories (preferably nutrient rich ones) into the twenty minutes they give you for lunch so you aren't starving the rest of the day, drinking a cup of milk is a good way to do that.


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RE: Weight Issues

I knew you would never admit that a bm is wrong!!! Instead of admitting that the bm is feeding her child the wrong foods you will argue the milk point that you brought up to avoid the topic at hand.

Congrats on once again hiding the fact that a bm is wrong behind some other argument!! Is there ever a time when you can stick to the issue at hand and agree with a sm???


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RE: Weight Issues

WOW...gooseegg I agree that bm is not doing her part by feeding her daughter junk food constantly. And I do agree with the posters who say that the weight problem is bm's fault. She is contributing to it by feeding her daughter junk. If she was feeding her daughter healthy and her daughter was large then it would not be her fault.

As for TOS, I am not suprised she is jumping in circles around the issues because she would rather die than admit when a sm is correct.


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RE: Weight Issues

Who believes this???

TOS said:

"I have one child who has always been somewhat heavy, yet she hasn't eaten in a fast food restaurant for years, and she has never had a can of soda in her entire life."

I guess you can make believe anything you want to fit your agenda when you are anonymous on a public forum. After reading this, I can't give a word TOS says ANY credibility. It's not that I don't believe her daughter has a weight problem and eats healthy, but when she uses the words "always" and "never" (in her ENTIRE life) it makes it a little unbelievable that a child, unless they have a medical issue, has NEVER had soda... I'm not buying it. And my niece that would rather eat fresh fruit than any sugary food, still eats at fast food places occasionally... so when you say a child (especially if she's a teenager) hasn't had fast food in "years".. I have to say YEAH RIGHT!!! Even more so when her sister eats at them quite a bit.

and who cares about the difference between fresh milk in a glass bottle vs. plastic bottle... what does that have to do with anything???? I could be wrong, but aren't they the same nutritionally???? This thread isn't about the taste of milk. At least, that's not what it started out as. (and while whole milk may be nutrient rich, it is also fattening, low fat or skim milk is a better choice for children over the age of 2)

Here is a link that might be useful: Milk - Low Fat vs. Whole Milk


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RE: Weight Issues

I have no idea what the child's mother is feeding the child, and whether YOU or I consider whatever it is junk or not is irrelevant. I personally consider fake eggs, artificial sweeteners, and 1% milk junk food. Now steak and mashed potatoes and corn on the cob with butter, not margarine, is real food - not that I can afford to eat steak very often. I think people, both here and IRL, are way too prone to obsessing over food, and whether it is nutritious or not, or has too many calories, or whatever, and that sometimes leads to anorexia and bulimia, which can kill you a lot faster than obesity.

Apparently it is ok for other people to discuss milk or other tangential topics, but not for me to do so.


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RE: Weight Issues

"fried and greasy foods, cakes, cupcakes, cookies, "
that is what the bm is feeding her daughter TOS

so do you still think that what bm feeds daugher is ok? if these types of food make up most of what daughter eats with bm do you think a doctor or nutritionist would think that bm is feeding her daughter appropriately?

and as far as obsessing over food and nutrition....with a society so overweight isn't it time to? Being overweight can cause serious health problems.


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RE: Weight Issues

mom2emall, you're wasting your time if you are trying to convince TOS that bm is wrong... she probably feeds her kids like that, so she thinks it's ok. My SD came back from BM's a couple of months ago, throwing up all night because her mom let her eat as much ice cream as she wanted for breakfast, then let eat whatever she wanted all day. My complaint was that SD comes back sick from eating crap at her mom's and TOS defended the BM on that. She's hopelessly stuck with defending the BM regardless of the situation. The funny thing is, that my SD's BM lives with her BF. He has three kids and I got a chance to speak to their BM this week. She says that her kids are also fed so much crap at the other house, that every Monday, one of them misses school for being sick from it. So, I still don't see it as a BM vs. SM situation because even though she isn't SM to her BF's kids, she's in that role and still not feeding his kids right either.

And I'd love to hear from anyone that KNOWS about anorexia or bulimia from experience. I can say from experience that obesity causes life threatening medical conditions. I can also say with a bit of confidence that obesity is much more common and widespread than anorexia and bulimia.

Here is a link that might be useful: Obesity. Is it an eating disorder?


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RE: Weight Issues

Actually, my youngest was shocked the last time we ate at a restaurant because the waiter asked us if we wanted dessert. She couldn't understand why someone would want dessert when they had just finished eating a meal. My children have never become ill from eating any particular kind of food, even after, say, spending the day a fair and eating fried dough, etc.

No, I don't think obsessing over food is a good idea, even if everyone in the world were obese. I want my children to grow up without worrying about their body images.

There are about 11 million Americans who are suffering from anorexia and bulimia, and many, many more who have sub-clinical forms of these disorders. Anorexia has the highest death rate of any mental illness.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/p.asp?WebPage_ID=350

According to this source, that is almost four times as many Americans as are morbidly (also called clinically severely) obese: http://www.annecollins.com/obesity/statistics-obesity.htm

Here is a link that might be useful: Ten Things Parents Can Do to Prevent Eating Disorders


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RE: Weight Issues

Are you kidding me??

"my youngest was shocked the last time we ate at a restaurant because the waiter asked us if we wanted dessert. She couldn't understand why someone would want dessert when they had just finished eating a meal"

are you really going to tell me that is your daughter goes to school, that she has NEVER heard of such a thing? Oh Wow, whatev.
and what you and I consider junk food IS relevant, because otherwise, why would your daughter be "shocked" of such a suggestion, which tells me that you are fully aware of what junk food indeed is, so dont pull the "whether YOU or I consider whatever it is junk or not is irrelevant-card" I honestly think either you live in your own world, or you make such statements just to be difficult. and i agree with ima, you have completely lost any credibility on my side as well.

as far as the Sd's eating habits, which is what the original post was about, not TOS milk issue, we have feed her healthy, nutritious foods, like salads, chicken, baked not fried and so on. When we took her to the doctor to check for thyroid, metabolism and any other medical issues, (which there werent any major concerns, other than her weight,) the DOCTOR said she needed to loose a few pounds for HER HEALTH, not because we are obessing about it, but because we thought maybe it was a medical issue, We expressed everything to the BM, and gave her the doctors full report. We then taught SD about portions, proper eating habits and nutrition because it is about her HEALTH, not because we are self image obessed parents. My SD is no less than 65 pounds overweight, she is short and not active at all. I do not want her to have diabetes, heart problems, cholesterol or any other medical issues before she is 21 because no one would teach her about better nutrition. It is our jobs as parents, whether biological or step, to teach our kids about such issues, not for the "self image obsession issues" but to promote a healthy lifestyle in which they live long. Just as we teach our children about safety and drugs.

Her BM is not taking such steps, and in fact trying very hard to reverse any such lessons we teach or promote in our home, for whatever reason. She refuses to assist her in any diets, healthy eating, portion control or excersing in any form or fashion. And we can not get through to her BM that she is paving the way for such medical issues.

Not only that, but she would call to tell SD that she started this new diet so she, the BM could loose weight, yet will not help her own daughter...ummmm??

And that my dear TOS, is a fact, not opinion, and that is considered abuse in some forms.


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RE: Weight Issues

In the US, according to the CDC, the top two actual causes of preventable death are....number 1, smoking....and number 2, poor diet and physical inactivity...with number 1 steadily decreasing and number 2 steadily increasing over the past decade or so.

Twenty years ago, the percentage of youth with type 2 diabetes, adult-onset, as opposed to type 1, was 2 percent. Currently, as many as 45% of newly-diagnosed childhood diabetes cases are type 2, adult-onset diabetes, and in most cases preventable.

The diffence between healthy and unhealthy foods is not debatable. Fake eggs have far less cholesterol. One regular egg has 225 grams of cholesterol. The daily recommeded allowance for cholesterol is 300 grams. Reduced fat milk has the same nutrients and is appropriate for anyone over the age of 2 and is certainly the best choice for serving in schools.

The emphasis should be on a healthy lifestyle as opposed to body image. Obesity is an indicator of an unhealthy lifestyle, as is emaciation. Moderation is the key. Real eggs are fine, but not a three-egg omlette every day. Steak is fine, but a serving size is the size of the palm of your hand, not 12 or 16 ounces. If you like real butter on your toast, fine, but not an inch of it.

If taught to respect their bodies with a healthy lifestyle, a sense of positive body image is sure to follow for children and adults alike. It's not about dieting. Diet is a four-letter word. The focus should be on a healthy lifestyle, and the difference between healthy and unhealthy foods is an undisputable scientific fact.

You don't get much control over what the other parent does in their home, but if you can teach the child a healthy lifestyle in your home, maybe...just maybe...the child can take some of that information home to share with the other parent.


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RE: Weight Issues

TOS

Assuming the page you attached a link to is accurate, it still says that 43 million people are obese... 3 million of which are 'morbidly' obese. That's 43 million people (almost four times the 11 million anorexics/bulimics you quoted) that are likely to suffer ailments such as diabetes, hypertension, sleep apnea, heart disease, and many other life threatening problems. The number of people that die from obesity related ailments could be hard to figure out since they could be listed as heart attack instead of obesity related heart disease. Not only the 'morbidly' obese are at risk for those problems... 'morbidly' obese only refers to obese people that have a larger bmi than the obese patients but also have at least two co-morbidities. Plus, the site you offered also says that an additional 58 million people are overweight, which makes being overweight & obese, a much bigger problem than anorexia and bulimia. (overweight people are on their way to becoming obese if they don't change their eating habits or lifestyle).

Oh_my makes a great point, it's about moderation and learning to respect your body. We don't have control over what the other person does in their house which is why gooseegg and the rest of us that do our best to feed the children healthy in our homes, only to have the other household over feed them junk, are frustrated by it. I feed my kids cookies or cake occasionally. We have ice cream sometimes. We don't eat those things everyday. In her mom's house, that's all they eat. Since SD lives with us full time, she only eats that way on the weekends she's with her mom. The things she tells us she eats are ice cream sundae for breakfast or sugar cereal (not a big deal since she doesn't get sugar cereal at our house), corn dogs, pizza, nachos, spaghetti o's, frozen burritos, cake, candy, taco bell/Mc Donalds, soda pop, chili cheese fries, chili dogs, taquitos, and she has told us that her mom doesn't cook at all. Mom's BF has cooked SD breakfast (fried eggs) once. Right now, as long as she isn't getting sick from it, we don't say anything. We don't give her 'junk' very often since she gets a lot of it on the weekends with her mom. But, we have a huge concern over how eating like this is going to affect her during the summer. She gained quite a bit after spending just ten days with her mom and came back not fitting any of her clothes. She gets cellulite on her belly and legs. She knows it's not healthy but she loves junk food so loves that mom gives it to her. She's not going to turn down those things... she complains to BM that we don't give her soda and dessert anymore. I'm trying to teach her that sweets are an occasional treat. I don't attach it to behavior but randomly put a twinkie in her lunch. She usually gets a sandwich, peanut butter/cheese crackers, pudding, applesauce and a juice drink box. She's allowed to have hot lunch once a week and usually picks the day they have a cookie & chocolate milk... and of course the burritos or pizza junk. (I have to admit though, her school does have healthier choices for kids and they have also made a school policy that no junk food is allowed in the classroom for parties... They discourage cupcakes or sweets, which I think is a great thing)


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RE: Weight Issues

Everything I have read indicates that morbid obesity just means a BMI of over 40.

goosegg,

Yes, my daughter goes to school. I just asked her and she said that the school lunches NEVER have dessert. My older daughter confirmed that they don't anymore, though a few years ago they sometimes did.

I don't think desserts are junk - it is just something we never eat at the end of a meal. We also don't usually eat salads with a meal - if we are going to have salad or carrots or something, we usually eat them first, while I am preparing dinner or as a snack.


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RE: Overweight versus underweight

Do I want my kids to weigh 300 pounds - of course not. But given a choice, I would rather they be 10 pounds "overweight" than 10 pounds "underweight."


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RE: Cholesterol

Oops. In my last post I made a mistake. Cholesterol is measured in milligrams, not grams. The numbers were correct.


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RE: Weight Issues

Egg whites have little vitamin content, unlike egg yolks. The fake egg manufacturers add back some, but not all, vitamins, but they are not necessarily as well absorbed. I'd rather have my eggs unadulterated, thank you.

http://www.aeb.org/Nutrition/images/PDF/Nutrient_Content_Large_Egg.pdf

Not to mention that dietary cholesterol has little relationship to cholesterol levels in the blood.


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You can't be serious....

TOS, are you going to address the ACTUAL PROBLEM from the OP? It isn't about the taste of milk, whole milk vs. skim milk, or the differences between eggs & egg beaters. You are avoiding the topic with your nonsense.

Do you think it's right to feed a child nothing but greasy fried foods and sweets all the time if they have a weight problem?

Personally, I don't think you should feed a child that way even if they burn it off and are thin. My BIL had to have a triple heart bypass surgery on his 40th birthday. He's very thin, works out and looks healthy... but he eats a lot of greasy fried food. I agree that you can't tell someone's inner health by the outside and someone that appears overweight may be healthier in reality than someone that is thinner, but if you know that a child is fed nothing but processed junk food at one house, it's something that should be addressed, whether they have a weight problem or not. It's just easier to identify when they do.

and a BMI of 30 means you are obese. For someone that is 5'4", a weight of 175 or more is obese.


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RE: Weight Issues

Ima,

My DD is on the gymnastics team and has practices 5 days a week and also meets. She goes through an incredible amount of calories and is all muscle. There are more than a few girls in her school with anexeriou/bulemia. Not her, she needs her strengh.


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What's your point???

kkny, what does that have to do with the original post????

If the two of you want to start a thread about eating disorders and/or your preferences for certain foods, then go ahead. This post is about parents feeding their children crap and causing them to have a weight problem. Nobody is going to argue that athletes don't need a lot of calories but the ones OP is talking about (and my situation), we are not talking about athletic kids that burn it off. In fact, BM threw a fit when I suggested putting SD in an after school sport, which would help burn off some of the calories that she gets at her moms.


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RE: Weight Issues

As I said before, a BMI of over 40 is the definition of morbidly obese.

I think it is none of your business what the girl eats at her mother's house, even if you were actually sitting there and saw what she ate. She is 8, isn't she - is she really going to accurately report everything she eats? I doubt it - how could she remember? I don't remember what I had for breakfast this morning. It is likely she is only going to remember the exciting stuff. And how are you getting all this information, anyway? When my child that visits her
father goes over there, I don't ask her for a rundown on everything she ate. I only hear about it if her dad made something particularly delicious, like cookies.

I doubt if the girl's mother actually fries anything, unless she is a lot more avid a cook than you have indicated. When I make chicken nuggets, I bake them. Don't you? Frying them is a lot of work.

Even if she ate nothing but fried pork rinds morning, noon, and night while she was there for the weekend, it wouldn't kill her. Making her worry about whether she is fat just might.

My sister used to give me bacon grease on toast when I was at her house, and I'm still here. It doesn't appeal to me now, but I sure liked it forty years ago. My mother never had a fit about that, even though we didn't eat it at home.


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RE: Some Ideas

I had a few ideas about getting the other parent to live more a more healthy lifestyle. I know not all of these may be appropriate in your individual circumstances, but circulating some good ideas may help get this thread on a more productive note.

How about taking a cooking class with the child and inviting the other parent, or just having the child invite the other parent to take a cooking class alone with the child as a bonding experience.

We have these places here where you go in and prepare meals to freeze for the week. They've done all the major chopping and meat preparation, and you just go through and put the meals together for freezing. They have menu planning help there too. Then maybe you could offer a few of the premade meals to the other parent, just telling them how delicious they are and that you'd like to share it with them.

Perhaps give the gift of a healthy living cookbook. Some people were not raised to know how to cook healthy food. I know I wasn't, and although I was thin as a child, after I gave birth to my first daughter, my metabolism could no longer handle the fried food and dessert every night. I got some good cookbooks to help me out, and I gave some to my mother too. She ended up really liking a lot of the recipes in there too.

As far as exercise, I hate it, and I can see why a child would too. I like to trick myself into exercising by doing physical things that are fun. Bike riding, sled riding, roller skating, hiking, swimming (recreational...not laps...although I do race the kids a lot), dancing (a lot of places around here have mother/daughter dance classes), and my all-time favorite, playing Nintendo Wii. If you don't have one, I recommend it. It's all the fun of a video game system, but always makes me break a sweat!! If you get the child interested in a few of these activities, perhaps the child would ask to do them at the other home as well.

I hope this was helpful in some way, and I'd love to hear anyone else's ideas!!


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RE: Weight Issues

from OP's first post about 15 year old girl:

"she goes to her bms for the summer. she gained every pound and then more in a time frame of 6 weeks!!"

That's a very bad diet/lifestyle.

Anorexia isn't this girl's problem;
bad diet & weight gain are.

Bad diet causes health problems in addition to weight gain;
some posters already mentioned diabetes & heart problems.

& carrying excess weight will wear out your knees, elevate your blood pressure, & make you short of breath.

I loved cafeteria food when I was in elementary school, always got the chocolate milk at morning break because my mother never fixed it, & I would have loved bacon grease on toast when I was growing up.

But the cafeteria served plain food, not the processed/fried/fatty stuff cafeterias serve now,
ketchup wasn't a vegetable,
we didn't eat a huge volume of processed food, or any food, all day every day at home (it was a red-letter day if we got a Twinkie),
we practically lived outdoors & were very active,
& I was a sort-of skinny kid anyway.

We don't live in that world today.

(& I bet those nuggets arrive in a box.)


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RE: Weight Issues

BMI of 30 is overweight, not obese. And even that is questionable, some pople are just large.

Of course young children shouldn't be eating that much junk especially if they just sit around and don't exercise. It is just wrong.

DD used to gain weight every summer living for 2 and 1/2 months with dad. She would even gain weight of two weeks of Christmas with him. And he and his family don't eat junk food at all. they just on average eat more than I do, cook more, bake etc. I sometimes skip dinner if I am not in a mood, or just eat fruits or vegetable. X's family eats normal meals three times a day no exceptions. One year DD used to gain really a lot and it kind of scared her. Thing is that everybody wanted to take care of her, X's parents would cook and bake, then dad and SM would cook and bake, then some other people take her to restaurants etc. She always lost that weight after awhile.

But I never made a big deal out of it. I think that if i would start critisizing what X feeds her or how fat she looked etc it would do more damage than good. Now she is 20, 5'6" and wears size 4, I would think she is not more than 110-120. Who knows if she would be anorexic or obese if me or X made a big deal of what she ate and what she gained or lost while in the other parent's house.


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RE: Weight Issues

TOS, the child in OP is 15. I assume you are talking about me when you say "isn't she 8" and yes, I see how she is fed because I pick her up and since we get her between 4-6pm and it's a two hour drive, we ask if she's had dinner. We also ask when the last time she ate was because she isn't always fed lunch at noon, usually she's eaten around 3 or 4. BM tells us what she ate and a few occasions she's been eating when we get there and we see her. Once, she was laying on the couch watching tv with a plate full of mini corn dogs & french fries. She had at least twice as many as she should have and we waited almost twenty minutes while she stuffed them all down... she didn't even look hungry halfway through. Another time, she had a large bowl of Spaghetti O's, about three times a normal serving and we again waited fifteen minutes for her while she forced herself to eat it. He doesn't say anything to BM because she gets defensive and starts a big scene and says it's none of his business. But BM is the one that tells us, oh she had Nachos, or She already ate at Taco Bell, etc. And when SD wants something her mom gives her but we won't, she tells us what her mom feeds her. (and DH knows from living with her that she doesn't know how to cook & SD has said that too)

and you are probably right about her not frying anything, she takes her out to eat those things because she doesn't cook if it doesn't come out of a can or pre-made.

and nobody is making her worry about being fat. She just complains about not getting junk food at our house and so her mom gives her all the junk food she wants. (and the BM of her BF's kids says the same thing, her kids get sick from it) Eating that way on weekends may not kill her or have much of an impact on her since she eats very healthy at our house, but like OP, when she goes for the summer and gains 20 lbs, she's going to have a hard time later because of it. Whether that means lower self esteem and people teasing her at school, THAT can cause body image problems that could lead to an eating disorder. We don't tell SD anything about her weight, we just prepare healthy foods and give her appropriate portions. I cook just the right amount so there usually isn't any leftovers, which helps eliminate overeating.


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RE: Weight Issues

I'm not sure what a corn dog is since I have never had one, but a regular taco has fewer calories than a chicken leg.

How exactly do you "look" hungry? How do you know what an appropriate serving of spaghettios is, or what else she may or may not have eaten earlier in the day?

I think the world would be a lot better off if people stopped obsessing over food. It is just food, not a moral issue.

Here is a link that might be useful: Eat what you want & stop when you are full


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RE: Weight Issues

"I'm not sure what a corn dog is since I have never had one, but a regular taco has fewer calories than a chicken leg."

You can't be serious....

First, a corn dog is a hot dog (I hope you know what that is) dipped in batter and deep fried. and a regular taco vs. chicken leg?? I would think it would depend on how the chicken is cooked... fried, baked, roasted, etc.

I can tell that she's probably not hungry because she sits there looking like she's forcing herself to eat it... she stuffs herself until she finishes it all. If you've ever watched the movie 'Matilda' and there's a scene where a boy is in trouble and has to eat a chocolate cake in front of the whole school. He starts out his first slice happy because he loves cake but by the time he finishes it, he's looking overstuffed and sick, THAT's the look on SD's face when she stuffs herself. (and I blame both of her parents for that because they both used to feed her too much and that's what she's used to) And I have fed her spaghetti O's and one can has 2 or 2.5 servings, so I know that a huge bowl filled to the top is the whole can, not just one serving. That's how much she was eating and when she's hungry, she eats faster and as she gets full, she eats slower and when she looks like she's about to puke and still putting more in her mouth, just because it's there, she isn't learning to stop when she's full. That will become a problem that can follow her throughout her entire life.

and in our situation, even though we have concerns and I talk about it here, we have never told SD anything about it and the only time we have ever said anything to BM was when SD missed school because she was throwing up from eating too much ice cream. The only place that SD hears about it is at school because when she gains weight, the kids at school call her names.

and thank you TOS for that link. That's a very good website.


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RE: Weight Issues

iammommy, since SD lives with you, you can luckily reenforce good food choices. Luckily at least during the week she doesn't stuff herself. Irt sounds like awful amount of food. At age 8? Ouch...

And just for fun: I didn't know what a corn dog is either. I heard about it but never saw one and I also do not know what is spagetti O's. I mean I know what spagetti is...I am hopeless, I don't know many foods that people are talking about.hahah


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fine

Spaghetti o's are canned noodles shaped like O's with a tomato sauce. (the can says 'the little O shaped pasta with meatballs in a tasty tomato sauce that kids love')

One serving has 8g fat, 15mg Cholesterol, 890mg sodium, 32g Carbs., 11g protein (which is the only good thing I see on the can). One can is 2 servings so if she eats a whole can, which is how much she was eating, multiply the above numbers by 2. And you are right, every once in a while isn't going to cause a problem, but over the summer, it might. We're trying not to worry about it since there's nothing we can do about it.

I guess her problem is that she likes eating that stuff and I give her whole wheat bread, oatmeal, fresh fruit, skim milk, fresh vegetables, and my idea of dessert is pudding cup or a scoop of ice cream. She thinks dessert should be cookies, brownies, cake, pie, etc. (which we eat on special occasions like the holidays or on birthdays- which there is one a month at least. In fact, she had cake & ice cream today for my nephews birthday) I would just hate to see her come back after summer and be several sizes bigger. She's about to enter puberty and that's a tough enough time without dealing with weight issues. (at school)


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RE: Weight Issues

I wonder if she wouldn't want desserts as much as she would drink whole or 2% milk. Skim milk has no taste (and frankly it is the same milk just dissolved with water) and adults can tolerate it but not kids. I wonder if a glass of milk instead of cakes or cookies would satisfy her cravings.

I have a suggestion for a healthy dessert that tastes just like a pie but has less calories. Baked apples or pears. Yam, nothing is better. And if you want toping: fat free whipped cream. Best dessert.


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RE: Weight Issues

Skim milk hasn't been diluted;
it's just had the fat "skimmed" off it.

Kids don't need milkfat:
Farm kids drink skim milk all the time (since their parents sell the whole milk, butter, & cream), & those kids grow up fine.

Food preferences are pretty much just what you're used to.

When I was a little girl in the country, I drank fresh raw milk.

Pasteurized, homogenized milk tasted funny to me.

Now that I've been in town for so long, raw milk tastes funny.

I used to drink whole milk, but since I've been drinking skim for so long, whole milk tastes unpleasantly thick.


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RE: Weight Issues

I have yet to meet a farmer who makes his or her own butter, and all the farm kids I have ever known drink whole milk - and when you're milking Jerseys, it's pretty rich. If you're milking Holstein's, less so.


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RE: Weight Issues

I cant believe we are getting bogged down about whole milk vs skim milk.

Fact is, most north americans over the age of 10, particularly females, dont drink milk at all, and a disproportionate number of young females drink soda instead. The reason? They believe milk will make them fat.

I WISH the only problem we have in society is whether or not to drink homo milk, two percent, or fat free.


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RE: Weight Issues

I just read an article that said that there is evidence that drinking milk helps lessens PMS. Plus milk is one of the most nutrient dense foods - as opposed to soda, which of course has none.


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RE: Weight Issues

Sylvia ... you gave me a laugh this morning thanks.

I have to tell my SC all the time .... "ketchup is not a vegtable" .... they pile it on everything ... with out even tasting it first. They would put it on pizza if I let them. (Their cousin does this grosses me out)

Unhealty weight is unhealthy period.

I just went through this .. last week with my son ... took him to the drs... seems he has gained 20 pounds since October!!! eeks I didn't even notice measured him yesterday for height seems he also grew two inches to... so now I don't feel so bad. But going to watch his portions too ..

My daughter who is 5'10" used to gain 10 pounds for every inch she grew in spurts she would eat and eat then grow and grow.


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RE: Weight Issues

cawfe my, my ex used to say kids' growth patterns were divided into 2 parts, can't remember his exact terms but something like

chub out &
spurt up.

It seems like they'd pack on some bulk & then they'd suddenly spurt up & all that bulk would be stretched out along the body of a kid suddenly 4" taller!


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