I could never understand why children want their parents break up with a stepparent (wiht absence of neglect or abuse). i think some kids are growing up pretty selfish and only care of themsleves. i would assume children want their parents be happy.

if SS is that selifish, he would be the same way with his mom demanding 100% of attention.

I love my niece wiht all my heart but she is raised this way (intact family). everyone needs to give her 100% of their time. and she is always jealous if anyone talks to my brother. he should only talk and play wiht her. not very healthy way to raise children.

let SS go to moms and see how that's going to work.

He is a very selfish child. I have talked to DH about this too that SS tries to make it SS and DH vs. Me and Mine like we are two units living in one HH. DH couldn't give SS more attention if he pulled a chair and set with him from the time he gets off the bus til he goes to bed. There is 6 of us in Household. We work very hard to make sure everyone gets the love they need.

he is 13? Doesn't he have friends? who wants 24/7 with dad at this age? sounds pretty distrubing. let him go live with mom and try to run her household this way. very selfish. keep posting on what happens when he moves to moms.

Hi Nikemama, what a crappy situation for you guys. I agree with FD that it's probably best to let SS go and live with his mom. And hopefully she will not put up with SS's behavior, otherwise he will grow up to be a very demanding and selfish adult. Is BM in a relationship, are there any kids at her place?

Nikemama,

Let him go to his mama's. DH may be crushed but this is the old problem of the skid being jealous of the SP. There will never be enough for him since his real problem is that his dad and mom are divorced and his dad has a new family, in particular, a new wife with kids. It's your husband being a member of a new family that he is protesting. Your DH will never be able to do enough for him unless it is to fulfill his fantasy of a reconciliation with BM and the old family unit back together again.

Help him pack and thank your lucky stars. It's selfish but your kids will get more of a dad on the scene without SS hogging all of his attention like your kids don't exist which is what he probably wishes in his heart.

Lamom--

Do you suggest this as like a general solution to stepfamily issues?

Nothing is a general solution to stepfamily issues. Nothing. Its all detail oriented and while some cases are quite similar, all are handled differently.
But in this case, i would agree with all of the above posters. Send him to his mother because its so obvious that he does not appreciate his STAY at home DAD. How much more time can you ask if the man is literally at home! and doing things for him specifically.
Its obvious this 13 year old is jealous, and selfish. but they mostly tend to think this way at this age. So nothign new there. What your SS has to learn is to accept the divorce, ACcept SHaring his father and i think you guys have really tried hard to balance time between yourself and 3 other boys inthe house.
This is a plain , copout for this kids to say you are interfering with the relationship when its obvious dad does give time.
And guess what....40% is pretty good! my son gets less than that and we are not divorced, its because of all the other factors that we both only get to see myown biological son for about 15% of the day!
Guess what? we work, he goes to daycare, he comes hoem with us and we have to cook dinner and clean the house , feed the pets..do the laundry, and clean the dishes...daily living takes time.
So 40%..that is damn good! if he gets that everyday he should be thankful.
No, the real reason is not acceptance of divorce, sharing...and if he continues this behaviour at moms house he will grow up to be a very selfcentered person.
Hope mom sticks up for her partner as well when he tries to sabatage her relationship. Cause if he blames you for interfering with his dads relationship, hehehehe...you can bet 1 million dollars that this kid will do the same for mom. And i hope his mother kicks his BUTT! He needs a dose of reality that he cannot treat people with such disrespect.
My SD tried. this....she doesn't live with us but she put a fuss one time when her own mom did a familyouting while she was visiting us...she told off her mother onthe phone and then my DH, her father told her off and said how dare she speak to her mother like that and that she can't have 100% all the time. She will just ahve to miss certain events when here at our house and whenshe is gone she will miss events in our house. And we kept this lessen taught for the last 3 years.
You see my SD is self centered most of the tiem. She is jealous of her own brother and plain jealous is time doesnt revolve around her.
But i must commend BM in this case cause she's faught with her daughter about this issue and so have we.
Good luck,, keep us posted inwhat happens.

"It's selfish but your kids will get more of a dad on the scene without SS hogging all of his attention like your kids don't exist which is what he probably wishes in his heart. " --

To those SMs who have this type of problem, does you X take your kids at least as much as your DH has his kids? Do people try to give Dads kids at least some weekends when they are the only kids there?

Serenity,

Organic Maria has explained my position for me. There is no general rule, it's all situational, but this situation seems to be very common. The boy has not accepted the divorce and the new family, still feels competitive with the SM and her kids, and is not satisfied with the HUGE amount of attention he is receiving from the dad. Nothing new here but it is still sad.

Nikemama has 3 other kids to care for, a husband who is being unappreciated and emotionally blackmailed and her own peace of mind to think about. I think the boy should go to mom's and hopefully grow out of this. And I will repeat myself here,

"It's selfish but your kids will get more of a dad on the scene without SS hogging all of his attention like your kids don't exist which is what he probably wishes in his heart. "

Yeah, but those are all pretty standard-issue stepfamily (and just kid) adjustment problems. None of what OP describes is so exceptionally different or harder for kid or parents to bear than is the case in most family (blended or not) situations. Kid & everyone else has to learn how to deal with these things, not just by running (or sending) away. Furthermore, those issues will still be there even if kid is not living in house full-time. Perhaps it will become even worse. Unless you're advocating that he not even visit, for some unspecified indefinite amount of time, that's really not going to do a darn thing to improve the situation.

If that were really a viable solution, I dare say a lot more step-parents would be shipping their step-kids off (and vice versa) to go live somewhere else. But it doesn't solve anything, first of all, and in most cases it isn't feasible. There are reasons why custody is awarded to one parent over the other, and there are reasons why when two people have a child it is expected that both will share responsibility for dealing with that child, even if it's draining or annoying or presents challenges when new siblings are brought into that child's life.

LAMOM,

I dont doubt that you want your kids to have a better life. Its only natural.

i am a true believer in time alone with people. Even alone time for me , away from all the kids and my husband.
I think everyone should have this time alone.
I in the past and now encourage my hubby to have alone time with his kids. I dont like ot be stuck to anyone hip!
I will have alone time, at work this weekend. He'll have all the kids though...so if he wants time alone with his kids can go out on sunday morning andi'll take care of our toddler at home.
I'm cool with that:)

"To those SMs who have this type of problem, does you X take your kids at least as much as your DH has his kids? Do people try to give Dads kids at least some weekends when they are the only kids there?"

At her mom's house, SD has her sister (3yrs older) and her mom's BF's kids and she does complain her mom doesn't spend any 'alone' time with her. (of course, there is nothing we can do about that... SD has already told her how she feels and BM still does it) In fact, last weekend it was just her and her sister and BM had her BF arrange to pick up his kids for one of the days and even had SD spend one of the nights at BF's parents house. SD only gets 6 days a month with BM and spends quite a bit of that time with BF's parents babysitting her overnight, so I think her complaint there is very valid. But, it's not our problem & we can't fix it.

The situation in our house is a little different, in that there are no other kids here for SD to compete with... SD lives here full time and in our house, is the only child. (Yes, my kids live here but are 18 & 19, not taking DH's attention)

Still, my SD is here every 4th & 5th weekend of each month. She will spend all day with DH.. if he's doing yard work, she goes out there with him, if he is washing the car, she helps him, if he stays in and watches a couple of movies, she's right there next to him... and he will also play catch or with her remote control toys outside too. It doesn't matter how much time he spends with her.... at the end of the day, she begins to cry how he didn't spend any time with her & they didn't DO anything.

My thoughts, she is trying to manipulate (with the tears) to make him feel guilty so she can have more as this happens right at bedtime and she wants to stay up later. At her mom's house, she can stay up as late as she wants on weekends, but at dad's she only gets to stay up an hour later than weekdays.

Kids know how to make one parent feel guilty and manipulate to get what they want. My kids are experts at it. This was discussed with the counselor, who suggested that as long as SD was being given a reasonable amount of DH's undivided attention, there was nothing he could do but explain to SD that he has other responsibility or obligations for his time. The counselor told this to SD directly... that she cannot demand ALL of DH's time as he cannot ignore everything else around him but that she should get to spend time with him, even if it's only ten minutes each night, alone and as 'their time'.

Sending kids away (to the other parent), in my opinion, is giving up on them. It should be a last resort, unless the place they are sent to is better than where they are at... in which case, they should already be there.

At 13, a child understands exactly what they are doing. He understands (or should) about responsibility. If dad is spending that much time with him, just the two of them, then dad needs to have a talk with him. It's normal for teens to resent a new step parent & step siblings and it's only made worse when the parents try to treat the family as if it were intact or tries to discipline. There should be house rules that are the same for everyone and should be enforced evenly by each parent... if my kid breaks curfew, I deal with it, if his kid breaks curfew, he deals with it but the consequences should be outlined ahead so they are the same consequences for the same infraction because anything else will appear to be favoritism in favor of one side. That is sure to add to any resentments.

My suggestion is to back off and let DH deal with him for the time being. I know my teen kids resent my DH telling them anything, but if I tell them... well, they react differently because it's mom telling them. Your DH needs to talk to him and the biggest problem I see in your post is that your husband is not on your side. If your stepson sees that, he will use it to his advantage and he already is. If you can't get your husband to be on the parent team, then you have a choice. Stay & suck it up or leave. Sending the kid back to his mom is not going to change how your husband deals with the issue. The issue is that he isn't trusting you, but allowing his son to convince him that you are the problem.

I tell my husband.. of course I am different when you are not around, your daughter is also different when you are not around. Of course she thinks I'm mean... I make her do what she's supposed to instead of caving when she cries or I don't buy her excuses when she blames everyone else for everything... I make her take personal responsibility for her actions. If your husband believes that you are treating his son badly when you are not, THAT is the major problem of trust.

This SS sounds awfully selfish but it seems that lamom worded her responce in a bit of a harsh note...

These other children are SM's kids, not dad's. I don't think it is fair that SS has to leave so they can spend more time wiht stepdad. It just does not sound right.

Saying that i think that SS is too selfish, and hopefully he can outgrow that. if he is unhappy at dads he should be allowed to move wiht mom. If he is selfish though he would be unhappy everywhere unless he is the center of attention. some kids grow up think that the world evolves around them.

just to add: in intact families children do not get 24/7 wiht parents (it is unhealthy by the way), so why would kids in blended families expect 24/7 attention? it shouldn't be that much different.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but this is a limited environment for expansion. The skid/SM relationship is really tough hence this forum.

The boy is unhappy with Nike as SM, Dad as things are, jealous whatever. He is very important but not the only important person. Don't her kids count? Doesn't she count? Doesn't dad count? If 40% of his dad's time is not enough then what is enough? 100% like when his dad had nothing else to do but be with him? Very few children get 100% of their parents attention in their free time from work, housekeeping, other kids and heaven forbid, an outside life. Especially when they are adolescents.

finedreams,

With the amount of attention Nike describes and her SS still unhappy, it is right to send him to an enviornment where he believes he will be happier. His mother's home. Maybe five months is a short time but I bet it feels like eternity to Nike and anyone else living with a child who is living in the past. Probably feels like two eternities to the child. No, her kids are her own but they live with the now stepdad and presumably he agreed to live with them. Is her stepson more important than her kids? I learned right here in this forum that the answer is no. Your kids whether Step or Bio are the most important.

Life goes on. He might grow up and experience his loss so he can be free of it. Not her fault. He might be even more resentful. Meanwhile, she has 3 kids, a husband and herself to care for. Maybe BM will help him to see things realistically especially if she has embarked on another relationship herself. I bet that BM's SO gets the "he's taking too much time away" treatment too.

Well the deed was done. SS went back to Mommy Dearest yesterday. It was hard. I love SS and didn't really want him to go but I do feel somewhat of a weight off my shoulders. It came out that he HATES ME!

Nikemama,

He's 13. Don't most 13 year olds "hate" a parent? You are a steparent therefore the easiest, most direct target. Do you want a kid under your roof with your kids who "hates" you? He'll get over it but you don't have to suffer while he does.

Let his mama help him to grown up. Seriously. Not sure what her situation is but her SO will probably catch the same hell. Tend to your kids, your husband, your family, your life and keep it light and polite when SS VISITS. How do your kids feel about him being gone? They are probably the best temperature check.

It broke my heart to find that he has been saying that to his dad about me for the past few weeks. He has actually told his dad that if he would leave me and the boys they could be happy Leave her and I will stay...WHAT???

This is the kid I sat in the Tree stand took him dear hunting myself. I bake cookies with work puzzles with. I have worked hard to make him feel like one of the family. We all have.

I told DH that if he wants to have these soulful talks with SS that we will have to treat me like part of the family. Talking about me behind my back and going back and forth makes me an easy target. I feel like SS sees me and mine as the other team and he and DH as a team and he has to defeat us at all cost.

As for BM she is okay other then never liking me. She can't stand that DH is happy. She had it good with DH and she cheated on him with the looser she is with now and she is paying for it having a fat slob who can't keep a job because of his jail record. He is abusive and steals from the family Pawns TV COMPUTER the kids Game system. DH worked everyday and tried to keep everyone happy. She screwed up and wanted to see DH at home with nothing. I understand how he got to be so selfish.

Anyway I feel bad cause DH is hurting but kinda glad that he is gone for now.

This is the kids weekend are home with us. We are on one weeks newly weds the next. So this weekend we have all the kids. DH is taking his two out and I am taking my three to my mom's church for chilli and pie auction. DH is a little upset with me that I am hurt by SS words. Who wouldn't be. Personally I think we should all go do what ever so SS doesn't think he can buffalo DH and me into splitting company.

"Personally I think we should all go do what ever so SS doesn't think he can buffalo DH and me into splitting company."

I tend to agree. Whose idea was it to do separate activities this weekend? I'm not sure that sends a good message to ANY of the kids.

I'm sorry things are working out like this but it does sound like it might be the best option, at least for now. At 13, kids are in so much emotional and hormonal turmoil that your SS might really not know what he wants. Let him try living with BM and who knows--maybe he will decide that the grass is NOT greener and he will realize the love your DH and you have for him.

Wow..he gave his dad an ultimatum!!! you and your boys go and he stays...WHAT DREAM WORLD IS HE LIVING IN?
Well, good luck to him with a cheating mother and criminal jail bird of a new husband she has. WOW...he's really picked a winning team over your family. wow...well it just goes to show you how littel he knows. He's 13..and probably will wise up in a few months living there. I'm sure new stepdad will not take his Cr*p. and will likely make his life miserable. Unlike you who tried with all you honest words and soul to have him feel comfortabel with you and your boys.mmm...sounds like he is going to have a life lesson. Lets just hope if he does return that he is honest and sincere to you and your boys and his new family.
Cause that is what he has givenup. A good family.
And i do agree that ALL OFYOU SHOULD GO AS A UNIT to show this kids that threatening his father was way out of line. Then the next day he can have dad to himself as well. So one day all of you go out..and the next day you could have separate plans.
You know what...he complained that he didnt' have enough of his dad...what about now? how much is he going to see him eh? What has he accomplished? he will not see his dad what? Eow??? so...wayy less time than before. Very sad.
And to top it off he hurt you and spat you out. Sounds like a teen..but hey the grass is greener onthe other side with mom eh?
You know, i know sending him away is not agreeable to all..but you cannot force a kid to stay with a family he doesn't want to be with. Even if it is a good family, he will have a life lesson to learn. LEts just hope he deosnt pick up any bad habits from his new life now. Cause it doesnt' sound too good.
Concentrate onyour marriage, your husband, back each up and keep an open communication. You loved that boy, but he has issues,,,maybe he should go for counciling. You didn't do anything wrong. You reached, he bit. Even our own kids do that. I did it to my mother before she died...and i regret my actions till this day. I look back on my selfish act with shame. And i cannot get my mother back.
Either way. Things may change over the months. He may look back and appreciate in hindsite of what you did. So chin up!

I don't post here much but lurk a lot. I have huge sympathy for all the SMs on here given that I was raised since I was 8 (I'm now 39) by my own SM (the story about my own mother is too long and meldramatic for this response but suffice it to say that the label "mom" or "mother" is a negative in my world). So bear in mind that as a SD I know better than anyone how uesless some mothers are and what godsends some SMs are.

Having said that . . .

When your parents divorce, regardless of whether their marriage and your family was happy or not, it is hugely traumatic on the kids. Above all else you are scared. You feel pulled in a million directions (especially if the divorce was at all messy). The change is overwhelming at times. Kids are pretty adaptable but not that much!

My SM entered the picture about a year or so after the divorce (mom had remarried after about 3 months and then moved overseas). SM is a great person and one of the most important people in my life. But she brought change and change is bad. I very much would have said for the first few years that I "hated" her. Harsh, but I think it is really the situation that is the problem. I too wanted my parents to get back together, but I have no real idea why. I don't really think that is what I wanted at the time. In retrospect, I think I just wanted things back to what I knew and how things had been. As others have said, the overwhelming majority of that fear, anger, etc. was directed at my SM. I was a PITA at times.

It took me nearly 5 years to get over that. I still remember my "aha" moment. My dad and SM had a fight. I remember thinking "Oh my god, SM could leave." And it totally freaked me out. I finally realized that SHE was my parent not my mom. Granted it wasn't like it just happened all at once, it was just that lightbulb incident where it really hit home for me.

I say this because many of you were quick to label the SS here as "selfish." Granted, he may well be, but he is also 13 which is a core selfish age. He is also likely overwhelmed and freaking out. He doesn't like the change any more than I did and if he monopolizes dad, he can pretend that situation hasn't changed.

Granted I do think he needs to accept the change, but that takes time. Took me years.

It may well be that moving to moms might help, but I encourage you to cut the guy some slack. He is dealing with a lot and doesn't have the life experiences you have to help. I also encourage you to keep doing all the wonderful sorts of things you have been doing. Don't let this incident ruin any progress that has been made (and I assure you that notwithstanding what might have been said, there has been progress).

Hang in there (all of you SMs) and if you ever need to hear from a SK how important you can be, let me know.

lamom i agree that SS is way too selfish and his demands are weird. and what he wants is unreasonable and he certainly gets enougn attention and I agree he should go see if it is better at moms. probably not. i just disagreed with justification for his going to mom so other kids can get more time wiht dad. He is not their dad.

nikemama he does not hate you. he sounds pretty disturbed and I bet you he tells his mom he hates her too. he needs some psychological help, it is not normal to expect 24/7 attention. will see how mom is going to provide 24/7 attention. yeah rihgt.

sarah_socal,

Thank you, that is the best post I've read here from a skid. The only thing that is missing is some thought about how these SMs might feel about all of the S_____ being thrown their way. As you pointed out it takes years , in your case five, to get over the divorce. In the meanwhile, there is a real person with real feelings bearing the brunt of the bad feelings. In addition to doing additional child rearing, helping out financially, juggling a guilty spouse, their own kids, possibly a hostile ex-wife/BM and let us not forget, their own diasppointments with all of these people. At least I have had all of that.

I think most of the SMs here including myself start out trying very hard to build a family with the husband, his kids, possibly her own kids if any and their kids together. Where it gets tough and when SMs start saying "send him home to mom" is after all of that effort, with the SKs often being confused or poorly guided by bitter BMs keeping drama going. After a point any rational self loving person says "Why am I putting up with this? These are not my kids."

Interest in reaching out to them dwindles, tolerance for bad behavior dries up and the camps that the kids set up themselves against the SMs and 1/2 sibs or step-sibs take on a different spin when the SM starts looking at them differently.

I totally agree that SMs have to deal with waaaaay more than in a relationship where no SKs are involved. I really don't know how or why you guys put up with it but I do applaud you.

If it makes you feel any better to hear it, I thank my lucky stars for my SM all the time. She made all the difference in my life; moreso than my dad even.

I guess I was "lucky" in that my mother basically disappeared so there was no option of sending me and my sisters to her (my SM had to deal with 3 of us aged 8, 11 and 14). None of us had any options so unless my SM wanted to leave (which I'm sure she did and often), we had to work it out. Having a BM nearby causing trouble adds another whole layer I can't even imagine dealing with. In our case, my BM was just a deadbeat not paying support or visiting regularly. Bad enough, but at least she wasn't stirring the pot like so many.

Again, I totally understand your frustration. It can't be easy to hear your SS say those things after the attempts you have made. And again, although you should do what you need to to protect yourself from mental harm, as a SK I urge you not to give up.

SKs may do and say stupid things, but they learn all too well the realities of the people involved.

Nikemama, hang in there. You are lucky it happened so quickly. My skids drag things out (so does my dh) and I have been suffering for years, thinking that my skids will grow out of it and appreciate that I was a decent sm to them. Not happening still.
But step moms have always gotten a bad rep. Heck it starts as soon as they are old enough to watch cartoons and see Cinderella. Who wants a step mom when that is the example that is set??

Sarah social......I don't know. I have been trying for almost 13 years. I have given up. I don't have anything left to give. My sd is going to be 16 in just a few months and she still hates me. My ss is 18 and he hates me too. But then they have always had their mom and aunts telling them they should hate me. So they did.
You would think that at some point they would form their own opinion based on their own facts, but it never happens. Hasn't yet. Doubt it will. I can't make decisions based on the "hope" that "someday" they will thank me or appreciate that I was there. I have done that for far too long already.
I am only giving my sd another chance based on her dads promise to get her professional help. We will see.

Well the kids are coming Tonight. I am dreading it in my gut but trying to keep a smile on my face. Talked with DH this morning telling him that SC have to get use to me being there and deal with me. I told him he doesn't think twice about asking my kids to pick up socks or what ever but my 15 and his 12 SD puts make-up on my sleeping 9 son and he wakes up crying I get mad and yell at my son and tell her to put up her makeup that isn't what I bought that for her for. She got ALL TORE UP. I didn't yell at her but I was mad. If they have to dislike me to get use to my job in my house then that is the way it will have to be.

Thank you for your kind words Sarah and everyone else. I am also a Step-Child. I have talked to SS about my relationship with my stepdad. I made him a card onetime for fathers day and I told him that dad was my dad by birth and he was my dad by Grace of God. It took a long time to get there but That is the way I feel still.

DH comes from a family with 5 children and Mom and Dad will be married for 49 years on Feb 4th. Some of his sisters have walked these shoes so he can talk to them but he hasn't lived this. Getting him to understand me is hard. He has a decent working relationship with his Ex-wife. She doesn't except me at all but I come around and deal to be able to see the kids. I am sure her cold nature to me effects the kids. Who knows what she says when we aren't there.

Nikemama,

At the age of 13, it wasn't ME that my SDs screamed "I hate you!" to, it was each other! Followed by such lovely things such as, "I wish I was an only child" and even "I wish you were DEAD!" It got pretty bad, but they did grow out of it.

I do believe the ONLY reason they never went that far with me was they were far too materialistic and know my very favorite hobby is shopping! You couldn't pay my husband to voluntarily go to a mall, and they were lucky if BM picked up underwear for them at Wal-mart! While I've always had a really good time buying them pretty much all top label, designer name brands.

Only 1 time did my oldest SD actually scream at me saying, "You can't tell me what to do, you're not my mother!" I agreed, and told her she was absolutely right! And then grabbed her sister for a nice day of shopping at the mall. When we got home with our numerous packages, oldest SD complained "That's not fair!" I again agreed, and told her she was absolutely right! But, "I don't have to be fair, I'm not your mother!"

She never tried playing that card on me again.

lol disengaging. Love that story. I wish my sd communicated that well with us.

Nikemama,

"Who knows what she says when we aren't there" Boy did you say a mouthful. I found out after 7 years of marriage that BM had told her relatives that DH had an affair with me while they were still married and that I was a homewrecker. I didn't meet DH until they were separated for two years!

For a long time I felt sorry for her because after their divorce she lived in motels with SS on the floor, took in SS and his babymama and kid (have posted about this) and went through some post-divorce hard times that I had nothing to do with. In fact, believe it or not all of you BMs out there, once when DHs money was tight and BM couldn't pay her rent I gave her some cash (MY CASH) since I didn't think we had any axes to grind.

Finally, SD35 blurted out that BM had told her family including SD and SS that I had wrecked their marriage and that we had an affair. Two years after the fact.

Now, she can kiss my a__. Those lies were so over the top that her hurt feelings don't explain it. So, God knows what that woman is saying about you behind your back. Might be nothing, might be nice, I might win SuperLotto....

I get very emotional when knowing that i am spoken ill of...its just a reaction. I get angry. I'm human. But i've also learned not waste time on it. Well...not too much time anyways:)
I've basically learned to disengage of the years and i'm basically turning indifferent to the situations. i dont treat anyone special. So my Dh has two kids and we've gone through some turmoil..but i've stood my ground on each occasion. Do they hate me? I dont' know? Maybe they are hating me now since they are hitting their teens.
most important question: Do i care? NO. I honestly have reached the point of not caring. If you dont like me, too bad. STay away.
I've shed alot of negative people out of my life. Friends, family, and my marriage has improved. It really has. I was about to divorce my DH last year. Went for counciling and realized, BM and her kids were not worth it. BM wants my DH miserable, uses her kids as pawns against him. So i've turned the tables. I confronted my Dh. Told him i understand his depression, his disappointment with his kids and told him its not his fault. Its BM.All the things she has done and said over the years.
Granted thsi past year she has been quiet because she has issues she is dealing with under her household...and hte kids are spending less time with us. Whichof course makes her happy. She enjoys trying tomake my DH miserable. But he has begun shaking these emotions off and stepping bakc and saying, its not my fault. And when hsi kids try to guilt him he turns it aroudn and tells them, YOUR DECISIONS, NOT MINE, THEREFORE NOT MY FAULT. ALL YOUR FAULT. I'm so proud of him. For not taking anymore emotional abuse from BM or his kids.
Its sad, yes they are stuck inthe middle, but they are also at an age of learning. ANd they must learn to respect another person. to not manipulate situations and to honestly love someone , and not call because they just 'want' materialistic things.
THey are both good kids. They are. They are growing. But have been trained not to have us as family by BM due to her insecurities. They all wil have to live with it when grown up.
Me. i'm concentrating on my family and trying to be happy.
Nikemama, chin up. Be glad and proud of yourself as a human being and a wife that you honestly tried to help and love another person. And continue to be happy because you are a good person. And if stepson says he 'hates' (which he doens' tknow the true meaningof..) then let him hate. Continue to be happy. If your SS wants to be miserable, then its his decision to do so. Why be stress if someone else chooses this?
My Sd tried to pull this one on me, and say your not my mom. I said ya your right...then i went out and enjoyed myself like Disengage did. She's also never used that card on me since.
Kids, all kids, will test their boundaries. Thats what they do ...we all did that in various degrees. Enjoy your time and concentrate on being happy.

Well we did go our seperate ways for the events on Saturday. It worked out pretty well I think. Sd had her own money and DH took them to the mall. They were allowed to spend the money they took with them. SD had almost 100 she could spend. SS had some but since BM took most of his before Christmas he didn't have much to spend. Me and Mine went to a Chilli Cookoff and pie Auction at my moms church. SS LOVES chilli but he got to hear all about that. Then I spent the whole weekend teaching SD and my little boys how to sew. SD and I made her name in Pillows for her bed to match her new colors and a purse. DH told SS that unless he had something good he better straiten his act up because he was not going to have him upsetting me before we ever got home Friday night with them. SS was not rude but he was not friendly. He didn't talk to me unless I talked to him first, things like that.

SS had found pictures of his mother giving her bf "a Favor" on her cell back in the summer. SS got SOOO mad and hated his mom and acted much like he is now. I don't know of anything being seen we don't advertise but if he heard something or what ever maybe that is what did it? He thinks his dad is perfect and doesn't do things like that. When his mother got busted, she told him his dad does the samething. SS got mad and said no he didn't. If he has realized that he does maybe... I don't know I have racked my brains for a while. SS is a smart kid but in some ways I scratch my head!!

It sounds like he is going through alot of emotions and its going to take time for him. I'm glad your hubby stood his ground about not upsetting you. ANd he is right to defend that.
I'm sure your ss will pull alot of BS with mom and her bf as well. THe fact he got soooo mad just shows me he has alot of issues of not accepting the divorce and he is probably mad at both parents but of course when living with you he targetted you. I think its a normal human response..but in the end your ss will have to live with his actions and behaviour.
Continue to enjoy yourslef, your outtings and your sd and kids. If he wishes not to participate then its his loss and he made the decision to behave like this and opt out from you not the other way around.
My husband says he's rebelling. Tis the age and also the divorce.
Question...how come you had custody of SS and Sd lived with mom instead? Was this the arrangmeent made by your DH and his ex??