This is not completely the 9yr old's fault, her mother started when she was 4 or 5 telling her that if she would trade her and her sister in for new little girls if they ever thought of me as their Mom. Bio Mom has given back 9yr old's Mother's Day gifts when she found out that she made one for me also, the list of terrible things goes on and on.

9yr old lies. She lies all the time. The straw that broke the camel's back was the visit from DHS on Christmas Eve because she told her friends at a sleepover that her Dad beats her with a frying pan. An adult overheard and called it in. I'm guessing she said more than that, because that just seems silly to believe just that statement. Anyway, she lied to the agent about it also, but fessed up to me later on. My husband had her call and tell the truth. She had to leave a message because it was Christmas Eve. Her mother does not belive that she lies. She tells her mother that we tell her we hate her and we don't want her here and she believes her. She says all sorts of nasty things about us because that makes her mother happy and she obviously wants her approval (what 9yr old doesn't?).

I tried counseling to see if there was something I could do different to make our situation better a couple years back. They said I was on the right track. I got 9yr old (and 7yr old had a few sessions) in counseling, but we were never included and Bio-Mom discharged her when she found out we found out 9yr old was lying to counseler. She was telling counseler the same things she was telling Bio-Mom because she thought the counseler could take her away from us and she wouldn't have to come here.

She obiously hates it with us because her mother has made it so hard for her to have a relationship with us. We had week on week off custody until recently when she moved further away and took us to court for full custody. We couldn't afford a lawyer to match hers so my husband folded and gave it to her. We now see the girls every other Sat and Sun... and 9yr old is still lying about us.

I called 9yr olds counseler for advice and explained that Bi-Mom and Dad can't communicate, and could she set up a mediation to try and help because we have tried everything. She agreed. That happened today and I got made out to be the evil step mom that she wants me to be. The counseler did point out that I arranged this, so obviously I wanted something positive to happen but apparantly I continued to get roasted. I'm tired of being the doormat here. Husband and I are totally on the same page with this. We are out of ideas. We never say anything bad about Bio-Mom, we don't talk about her unless the kids want to tell us about something they did with her. She doesn't want 9yr old back in counseling, but did agree to take her. What parent wouldn't want their kid in counseling if they were having a hard time?

I'm to the point where I want to protect my 2yr old (who is beginning to learn from 9yr old's poor behavior) and not deal with 9yr old anymore. I would never tell husband that she couldn't come here, but do not want any responsibility for her when she is here and do not want her to contact my daughter. This will never work in the same house... but what else can I do? I'm happy to keep 7yr old coming over and doing things with her, but is it fair to put our family through all this turmoil because of a 9yr old that wants to please a Bio-Mom that won't change and is "poisoning" her with negativity? What is she going to lie about next? What if they don't believe *US* next time? (This was not first major incedent where we were accused of being bad parents by 9yr old) I'd appreciate any insight or advice. I have tried from the beginning to do the right thing, but it doesn't seem to work for us.

The thought of some child being beaten with a frying pan is silly? Not enough to instigate a home investigation? I'd hate to think there is a child out there somewhere actually being beaten and no one took her seriously because, well, it was only a frying pan.

Sorry, the callous statement made me stop reading at that point.

I am useless for advice other than ...if hes worth it tough it out if not EOW your baby will be dealing with this without you around.

pseudo mom - Cable TV, really? That's crazy! My husband is totally worth it, if he were not, I would have been out of this craziness a long time ago :) Thanks for answering, at least I know there is someone else out there.

I really wish that message boards were more friendly, I was afraid to post because people seem to just look for the worst in people. Typing out words to convey what you mean is difficult. Everyone reads into something a different way. I guess that's the risk you take when you take your thoughts to the computer.

I don't think you are a terrible person, was looking for a bit more clarification as the statement really did not come out very well in non-verbal black and white is all. The subject of child abuse is something I don't take lightly.

In fact it's likely the reason this person calling into DHS to make a report. If she does not know you and the child is running around claiming to have been beaten, don't be so hard on that person. Teachers, school officals, daycare centers, blah blah are all now suppose to report such things. It's for the child's protection. some really horrible things do happen to children in their homes.

Yeah, it'd be a hard place to be in when you happen to have a kid who just flat out makes up stories and false claims. It's terrible that some parents actually encourage their kids to lie about such things and try to win 'sole custody' ect by such means.

I did go back and read your entire posting now. Don't give up on counseling. If the mother refuses to let the child attend, can DHS intervene an order counseling that would require the mother to take child to? If they have already been involved several times, I'd think there might be something they could do to force ensurement that the child gets treatment (and maybe the mother too).

Is the 2 yr old endanger from the 9 yr old? Dh and you have to protect the toddler if there is any chance she might harm the little one. even if that means limiting visitations. What kind of visitation schedule do you have now? I'd understand totally Dad wanting a relationship with the child, but if she is a real threat to your household, Dad might have to do visitations elsewhere and/or supervised to protect all members. I'd would not want to be alone with the kid if she is goign to lie through her teeth about what happens and/or how she is treated. Dad visiting the girl shorter hours and perhaps in a neutral place might be something to think about.