Looking for Advice on SD issues

12 years ago

I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do anymore. DH and I have been married almost 5years. He has 2 daughters 7 and 9 that I have stepparented since they were 2 and 4. We have a 2yr old together. The younger one is normal and happy, no issues, she's a great kid. The older one... well, here goes.

This is not completely the 9yr old's fault, her mother started when she was 4 or 5 telling her that if she would trade her and her sister in for new little girls if they ever thought of me as their Mom. Bio Mom has given back 9yr old's Mother's Day gifts when she found out that she made one for me also, the list of terrible things goes on and on.

9yr old lies. She lies all the time. The straw that broke the camel's back was the visit from DHS on Christmas Eve because she told her friends at a sleepover that her Dad beats her with a frying pan. An adult overheard and called it in. I'm guessing she said more than that, because that just seems silly to believe just that statement. Anyway, she lied to the agent about it also, but fessed up to me later on. My husband had her call and tell the truth. She had to leave a message because it was Christmas Eve. Her mother does not belive that she lies. She tells her mother that we tell her we hate her and we don't want her here and she believes her. She says all sorts of nasty things about us because that makes her mother happy and she obviously wants her approval (what 9yr old doesn't?).

I tried counseling to see if there was something I could do different to make our situation better a couple years back. They said I was on the right track. I got 9yr old (and 7yr old had a few sessions) in counseling, but we were never included and Bio-Mom discharged her when she found out we found out 9yr old was lying to counseler. She was telling counseler the same things she was telling Bio-Mom because she thought the counseler could take her away from us and she wouldn't have to come here.

She obiously hates it with us because her mother has made it so hard for her to have a relationship with us. We had week on week off custody until recently when she moved further away and took us to court for full custody. We couldn't afford a lawyer to match hers so my husband folded and gave it to her. We now see the girls every other Sat and Sun... and 9yr old is still lying about us.

I called 9yr olds counseler for advice and explained that Bi-Mom and Dad can't communicate, and could she set up a mediation to try and help because we have tried everything. She agreed. That happened today and I got made out to be the evil step mom that she wants me to be. The counseler did point out that I arranged this, so obviously I wanted something positive to happen but apparantly I continued to get roasted. I'm tired of being the doormat here. Husband and I are totally on the same page with this. We are out of ideas. We never say anything bad about Bio-Mom, we don't talk about her unless the kids want to tell us about something they did with her. She doesn't want 9yr old back in counseling, but did agree to take her. What parent wouldn't want their kid in counseling if they were having a hard time?

I'm to the point where I want to protect my 2yr old (who is beginning to learn from 9yr old's poor behavior) and not deal with 9yr old anymore. I would never tell husband that she couldn't come here, but do not want any responsibility for her when she is here and do not want her to contact my daughter. This will never work in the same house... but what else can I do? I'm happy to keep 7yr old coming over and doing things with her, but is it fair to put our family through all this turmoil because of a 9yr old that wants to please a Bio-Mom that won't change and is "poisoning" her with negativity? What is she going to lie about next? What if they don't believe *US* next time? (This was not first major incedent where we were accused of being bad parents by 9yr old) I'd appreciate any insight or advice. I have tried from the beginning to do the right thing, but it doesn't seem to work for us.

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Comments (7)

justmetoo
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
--" that her Dad beats her with a frying pan. An adult overheard and called it in. I'm guessing she said more than that, because that just seems silly to believe just that statement."--

The thought of some child being beaten with a frying pan is silly? Not enough to instigate a home investigation? I'd hate to think there is a child out there somewhere actually being beaten and no one took her seriously because, well, it was only a frying pan.

Sorry, the callous statement made me stop reading at that point.
pseudo_mom
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
CPS showed up at my home ... reason : our cable was shut off ... :) SD was 10 when she called them ... doesn't take much for them to show up

I am useless for advice other than ...if hes worth it tough it out if not EOW your baby will be dealing with this without you around.
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Hi Folks! Everyone here has been very helpful, and I wanted to update you all on our present situation. My SD was getting so extremely angry at both me and her mother, that we did set up counseling for SD (14 1/2 yrs old) and, seperately for just my wife and me. The counselor for SD is a female who specializes in working with teen girls, and is uniquely set up to work with SD after some initial input from her mother to get things started. So far, SD has not opened up much to the counselor, and feels that she does not have any problems. SD's counselor says that it takes a while for teens to open up and they are making very slow progress. Frankly, I do not see any benefit yet, however it is probably to early anyway. My wife and I have also started working with a seperate therapist to help us as a couple (and parents) learn, grow, and make changes to help strengthen our marriage. After a number of meetings the therapist (who is very good in my opinion), has confirmed that I must, as the Step-parent, move out of the authoritarian role, and operate at most as a partner and support person to SD's mother. Problem is ( and has always been), SD's mother just does not want to be the authority person, she can't tolerate this role, and as a result I was constantly being pushed by BioMom into the lead authority role. Therefore, a lot of the therapy work right now is with BioMom to help her get stronger to take the lead parenting authority role, with my support of course. Funny thing is, I had been asking for this change for years, and sometimes it takes an outside person to make the observations stick. Our current problem, and one I would really appreciate some thoughts from you folks on, is the that SD is focusing most all of her anger and resentment onto me. I have always been loving, diplomatic, and kind to her (while doing everything a full time father does for a daughter). However, I was usually the one who would pay attention to what she was doing and sometimes catching her breaking major rules. Then I would be pushed by BioMom into taking the lead role in dicipline. This did not happen often, as she is a pretty good kid, up until this last 1 1/2 years. Recall that absentee BioFather is way down in Florida and her "kid-buddy" right now, offering her just fun, gifts, and good times (as well as trying to get her to move in with him and girlfriend). Question/concern is; how do I handle the anger and resentment that is coming my way so often. SD is telling her BioFather she "hates" "can't stand" me etc. and is keeping this same line with her friends as best we can tell. SD says that "I am ruining her life." Nothing could be farther from the truth, however SD is now taken to this attitude. I am sure that BioFather is encouraging this. How do you all suggest that I might turn this situation around? Is this mainly due to the "target" that all step-parents are at this age, and the fact that I was the occasional authoritarian? When do you think she might get past this stage? For my part, I am no longer in the authoritarian role, BioMom is and has told SD this. I am just continuing to be there for SD, concentrating on the positives between us, and leaving her alone when she won't speak to me. Anything more I might do?? I knew that my wife and I had our roles reversed, and now we are fixing that, however to an extent the damage has been done with SD's perception of me. I would like to hope that SD and I can regain the wonderful relationship we had from SD's age of 5 through 12, when it then all suddenly changed so much. Any encouragement, experience, or insight would be sincerely appreciated. Thank you all very much!
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Look4peace
Original Author
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
justmetoo - The way I said that and what I meant were two different things. I'm not the best with words. I did not mean to insinuate that you should not believe what any child says. In my situatuion my SD cannot be trusted. At least half of what comes out of her mouth is a lie. It can be anything from "yes my socks match" to "yes I did my homework" to "I get beat with a frying pan." I am disgusted that someone would believe that this would happen in my home. I am frustrated. I am embarassed. I have been humiliated. I am not a bad parent. I am bad at conveying what I am trying to say. I don't know why I'm even trying to explain, I'm sure I'll just be criticized again, but I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

pseudo mom - Cable TV, really? That's crazy! My husband is totally worth it, if he were not, I would have been out of this craziness a long time ago :) Thanks for answering, at least I know there is someone else out there.

I really wish that message boards were more friendly, I was afraid to post because people seem to just look for the worst in people. Typing out words to convey what you mean is difficult. Everyone reads into something a different way. I guess that's the risk you take when you take your thoughts to the computer.
justmetoo
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
No, not critized again. But all 'we' have to go on as 'we' don't know you except for what you actually write, it does get hard to know sometimes what posters 'mean' from what they actually 'write'.

I don't think you are a terrible person, was looking for a bit more clarification as the statement really did not come out very well in non-verbal black and white is all. The subject of child abuse is something I don't take lightly.

In fact it's likely the reason this person calling into DHS to make a report. If she does not know you and the child is running around claiming to have been beaten, don't be so hard on that person. Teachers, school officals, daycare centers, blah blah are all now suppose to report such things. It's for the child's protection. some really horrible things do happen to children in their homes.

Yeah, it'd be a hard place to be in when you happen to have a kid who just flat out makes up stories and false claims. It's terrible that some parents actually encourage their kids to lie about such things and try to win 'sole custody' ect by such means.

I did go back and read your entire posting now. Don't give up on counseling. If the mother refuses to let the child attend, can DHS intervene an order counseling that would require the mother to take child to? If they have already been involved several times, I'd think there might be something they could do to force ensurement that the child gets treatment (and maybe the mother too).

Is the 2 yr old endanger from the 9 yr old? Dh and you have to protect the toddler if there is any chance she might harm the little one. even if that means limiting visitations. What kind of visitation schedule do you have now? I'd understand totally Dad wanting a relationship with the child, but if she is a real threat to your household, Dad might have to do visitations elsewhere and/or supervised to protect all members. I'd would not want to be alone with the kid if she is goign to lie through her teeth about what happens and/or how she is treated. Dad visiting the girl shorter hours and perhaps in a neutral place might be something to think about.
dotz_gw
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi Look, I dont think there is a We on the board, everyone has a different opinion hopefully..I hate child abuse as well, but I understood your frying pan remark..It was taken by me as an unlikely item to be beaten with, like, my parents beat me with a snowshoe or something. I would probably question a child that said something like that before I called in the authorities.I was moving into a new house and the neighbor next door came over in a rage, because she said my son cut her sons hair with an ORANGE scissors...I didnt have a pair of scissors in the house, let alone orange ones..However there was an ORANGE pair of pliers on the counter.She should have done a bit of questioning before she believed the son s implausible story to get himself out of trouble for cutting his own hair.Same goes for the adult that turned you in for that frying pan story.JMO.
justmetoo
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
It was in mode of this statement --"I really wish that message boards were more friendly"--, dotz, that was where the 'we' referenced came about. Messages boards are full of 'we' aka a group of people who happen to stop and read. A message board is not a reading thinking being, only the 'we' here are... therefore message boards in and of themselves can not be 'unfriendly'. And correct, there is not a one of the 'readers' aka 'we' here that does not have a mind of their own and an opinion.
kkny
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Why was she making you a Mothers Day present? Did someone encourage her to do it? Did she want to (doesnt seem like it)?

Looking for Advice on SD issues

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Looking for Advice on SD issues

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