If she's in violation of the decree, it seems like it would be a simple matter to resolve. He probably will just have to contact his divorce attorney to get it enforced.

Honestly, you need to back off a little. It does sound like you may not trust him... not that you don't trust him to be faithful, but that you don't trust he can handle settling things without your prodding. (and maybe he is dragging his feet. A divorce is a huge event and can be emotionally charged) But, in this economy, it doesn't sound like it's been an unreasonable time for her to refinance the house. She may be having problems that prevent it. That's what happens in a divorce. The court can hold him harmless but the court cannot force a finance company to refinance it... that will depend on her credit history, job history and a few other factors. Leave it to them to work out and if he isn't moving fast enough for you, then you get to decide if you want to be emotionally invested with a guy that hasn't cleaned up and finished with his first wife before trying to get started on a new wife.

well clearly it doesn't seem like he's ready for marriage. My husband and I waited for six years after our divorces were final to marry. We wanted to work on ourselves and purge the ugly stuff out. otherwise we were afraid that we would continue the same destructive patterns that we had in our marriages. We have been married for 8 years now and it took until last year to get his name off of the deed of their marital home. My husband had to have everything drawn up and she put it off until finally he took her to court over the whole thing...her way of hanging on I suppose. But none of it affected his life because everything was clear in the divorce decree and it was just a matter of drawing up a new document... Is your BF still paying the mortgage? Because if they are divorced all of that must be clearly stated in the divorce papers

I would wait to move forward with your boyfriend until everything is settled and over with. I know that it is aggravating when things move this slowly but a mortgage is very complicated and might take more than a month to change. I'm sure he wants it over with as much as you do. Just give him a little more time. Things always work themselves out with time :) And when you get married you won't have any strings tying you to her house and you won't have to worry about it!

I would think this still could affect his credit.

My dh had a car in his name too that was awarded to his ex in the divorce. She stopped making payments and got it repossessed. It is on his credit as well. We sent letters and made copies of the divorce decree for the credit company they had the car financed through. They said they do not have to abide by that and it is dh's problem...he can take his ex to small claims court.

So I would think if his ex misses payments on the home it could cause problems on your boyfriends credit.

He needs to contact his attorney for details.

In response to cindy_pond: no he does not make the payments. He did until the divorce was finalized. She is an RN and should not have a problem with refiancing the mortgage. He pays a set amount of child support every month, as well as paying half for everything that she buys for the children (clothes, school supplies, etc). I don't know i'm just so irritated today. It just seems like I am just getting strung along... It took forever for him to get the divorce proceedings started and now it's a year later and his name is still on the mortgage. I don't mean to be so pushy with him but i'm just tired of excuses. How long is too long to keep hearing the same things over and over again? Thanks for replies everyone!

I would ask him, how his not enforcing the court order, affects his ability to marry you. Either he gives you an answer that makes sense and you can live with, or he gives you a bs line, which lets you know that for him, getting married to you, is not a priority. Beyond that, keeping seperate finances, so that his income & expenses are not able to affect you & your finances, might be a good idea.

Only you can decide how long is too long, unfortunately. You have to decide your own breaking point. How much procrastination on how many different issues can you handle?

I can tell you that just having a good job is not enough anymore to slam a refi through. Depending on when they last took out a loan, the value of property in your area and the loan to value ratio, the property itself may not qualify. If his ex is making all the payments in full and on time, being on the loan still is likely helping his credit. But, should that good payment history go bad, his credit is just as sunk as hers. Certainly keep all your finances seperate until this is taken care of.

Good luck!

"It just seems like I am just getting strung along..."

sounds like that to me, too, since the re-fi isn't the first thing that he dragged his feet on;
the divorce itself took a long time.

Sometimes people who are going through divorces or break-ups will get involved in interim relationships to salve hurt feelings & make themselves feel good, but when the fighting is over & the dust clears, they are not ready for a real relationship with their "interim".

In your shoes, I would probably ask myself "fish or cut bait?"

& I'd probably cut bait.

I wish you the best.

Hi Possiblemrs, and welcome. I think it's fair enough that you want to see things move along. And I don't think this is a make or break situation at the moment. Your BF might be putting things off (worn out from it all) or he could be hoping that these issues will go away by themselves (maybe if he does nothing suddenly the ex will schwing into gear and get this mortgage sorted out??) He might just not have the energy at the moment.

Since there is no rush by the sounds of it (he's not paying the mortgage anyway) and this is not affecting your budget; maybe you should try and think; not my problem, his problem.
I know you are together and all, but sometimes it helps to try and look at it a different way. However, the idea of getting a lawyer to give her a bit of a push, is not a bad option either.

I know this is not your original topic possiblemrs but what is going on with the CS and paying extra for what exw is buying the kids?

Is your BF by any chance trying to keep the peace? It sounds like so far the divorce hasn't been too nasty, and maybe he's worried that pushing BM into gear will rub her the wrong way. He might be thinking of his kids and putting up with BM's prolonging, hoping that he can keep some sort of civilised relationship going.

I don't know BF's arrangement with CS, but in my opinion BF is setting himself up for trouble by paying extra on top of that. Who decides how many clothes the kids need? Does he get the bill before or after the fact? Is he involved in the decision making about extra spending at all? What if BF decided one day that the skids really need A PONY :-) and presents your BF with half the cost of that??
I would think about that..

As far as the mortgage goes I don't think he is responsible for it if the divorce papers order's her to take him off. you need to step back and take a good look at what your life will be like with him. It won't get any better after marriage.

why would you want to marry him right now? why not wait? you do not have to run away but it was not long enough for me to fully recover. you want to make sure it is not rebound relaitonship, so wait wiht marriage. give him time to settle things. why rush?

the fact that she is RN does not mean much. i have a very good salary but I owe a lot of student loan, and medical bills from the time i have no health insurance. so my point is big salary does not mean people actually have much extra money or even have good credit.

Its hard to tell from here what the problem with the mortgage is. I find it strange in todays environment that she would be given one month to get a new mortgage, but it has been a year. Which means she should know by now if she can get a new mortgage or not. You can suggest he go to court, but if she responds she has tried, and can not get new mortgage, I dont know what court will say. The fact is many people, even those with good jobs, are having issues these days.

As to what CS is supposed to cover, I dont know what their arrangment is. Children are expensive.

I think it is a mistake to start off relationship with him with pestering him to cut down on $$$ for children.

She might not be able to refinance right now. She could be underwater on the house, like many people are these days.

If it bothers him, he should consult his attorney. If it doesn't bother him, but it bothers you too much, then you should walk. He's talking about marriage with you, but I guess he can't because of the house thing??

Why is this such a big deal to you? Unless you are engaged and this one thing is holding up your wedding (I'm just assuming you would have said so if that's the case), then the mortgage itself isn't really your problem. If there is an underlying issue- that you think he's dragging his feet as a way to delay committing to you, that you don't like how he handle his finances, that you don't like how he deals with his ex- then you need to have some honest discussions with him about the underlying issue and figure out if you can come to some mutually acceptable and workable compromise. If you really think he's stringing you along, then he's correct that you don't trust him. And you may be right, btw, but THAT'S the issue you need to work not, not hounding him to hound his ex to do something that (I agree with others here) may or may not even be possible.

Possible,

I know for a fact that the mortgage company still holds him responsible. They do not care about the divorce papers say. The house has to be refi'd to get his name off. I know the divorce papers are legal documents and all. I was surprised that was the case also. In the sitution that I know of the little Mrs. couldnt make her entire payments and the Mr. had to pay for it if he didnt want his credit ruined. I asked him why he didnt push the issue in court and there was always some lame excuse. One time he told me that she said she couldnt get it refi'd. That was before the real estate melt down. She was able to get a brand new truck though. LOL. I felt that he didnt push the issue because it was his way of "hanging on just a little". She divorced him and he didnt want the divorce. This was not someone I dated by the way.

I personally would want the divorce issues wrapped up including the house issue. I dated someone a very very long time ago who I could have swore told me that he was divorced. After dating for a few months he mentioned he was "separated" for years. I insisted that he get a divorce NOW! If he wanted to be with me any longer it was to be done now. He did it NOW! I was not comfortable with the sitution. If you are not comfortable with the sitution there is a reason for it. I would sit down and tell him it makes you uncomfortable and how can he resolve it.

I do understand the issue with the value of the home and the problem refinancing. That could be an issue. I would want him to try to get it done via the courts. If it doesnt at least try that route I would be out of there.

If he were to ask me right now I would say yes. We wouldn't get married for atleast 2 years, maybe longer. kkny: I didn't say anything about his obligation to his children, especially financially. This is NOT an issue with his kids. It is an issue having to do with his Ex. This is not a "new" relationship. We have been together for almost three years. I wouldn't say that is a short period of time. It has just been irritating me the way he makes excuses for her. I didn't come on this forum to have to defend myself. I just wanted opinions from people have have went through similar situations.

As for all of you who ask "why do you care?"...Wouldn't you care? Put yourself in my position... I don't know if i'll be posting anything else but thanks for the responses on this issue.

Possible,

You have every right to care in every way. I would want to know if my guy was still hanging on to the ex in any way, shape or form. I would want to know before I invested more of my life if he makes excuses for her and if he does why.

I do not blame you and I hope you do not leave. You just have to pick what advice and opinions you want to listen to and what you dont want to listen to.

I was in a similar situation as the ex wife when I got divorced. I kept the house and paid my X for his share, but kept the original mortgage for several years per our settlement agreement. There was no way to get his name off the mortgage without refinancing. He did sign a quit claim to the title of the house but that didn't change his mortgage liability. I didn't want to refinance as the original mortgage was at an amazingly low rate, but finally found a good rate and refinanced a couple of years ago. Thank goodness I did so because there's no way I could have refinanced after the mortgage meltdown of 2008. I would have had to sell the house.

Don't underestimate how difficult it is now to get a new loan. It's very possible that the ex wife would have to sell the house.

When XH and I divorced I signed the condo over to him but I remained on the mortgage for a number of years. We had our issues, but I trusted him completely when it came to financial things. He eventually sold it. The bank requires a refi to get someone off the mortgage. The court can't amend the mortgage.

Also, it is amazingly difficult to refi right now except in certain circumstances. Unless she has 30% equity it may not be possible. There is also a belief that mortgage rates will continue to drop this year, she may be waiting to see what happens there. He may know it and is going along because it will be more money in her pocket, which is good for his kids.

Possible,

If she cant refi than she should sell the house. They need to be over and done with it.

I wouldnt marry a man who is still on his ex's mortgage. She would have to refi or sell it. Sorry. Thats what happens when you get a divorce.

Happy - and if that leaves her with no equity, no cash, no down payment for a new home? I think many people would say in todays problems, people should find a way to work it out.

3 years should be long enough to get his name off the mortgage. are you sure he is divorced? 3 years is unusually long time to take care of everything. Did you see divorce papers?

It's not BF's problem if ex ends up with no equity and no down payment. What does he have? No equity in a house he is continuing to pour his money into, no credit to get another house for himself because his finances are comitted to a house the courts awarded to his ex. That's even more unfair.

If you marry him and he is held responsible for the debt on the house you would be liable also. My attorney said marriage is a legal contract making you responsible for each other in every way.

seeing the divorce papers sounds like a good idea. Smells fishy to me.

"the divorce was finally over with last year around February"

It's been 11 months, not three years.

Colleen,

Mom needs a place to stay for her and kids. One way or another. Seems like Dad recognizes that, even if some want to label it GFS.

Yes, Mom and kids need a place to stay. As per the divorce decree Mom needs to be paying for that place to stay, and didn't have to come up with the deposit on it either.
Is BF paying child support (he should be)? If so, Mom needs to take the child support and her own earnings and start paying her own way as per the divorce decree, instead of expecting Dad to pay not only the CS but the mortgage on a house that is no longer his as well.

I think OP stated that he does not make the payments, correct?

If there is equity in the house, an equalization judgment could, and should, have been entered with the decree to secure OP's boyfriend's interest in that equity. Removing BF from the title to the property can invoke the due on sale clause of the mortgage, as well as void their owner's title policy. As long as he is on the loan he should be on the title to protect his interest. Being off title has no effect on the mortgage, or on credit. As long as the ex is making payments and can continue to do so until a refi is possible I think it's a necessary evil.

OP, isn't the bigger issue that this is just something to tie your BF to his ex, and you would prefer to have as many of those severed as possible? That because of his hesitance to do so you question his commitment to you?

sue OP said they have been together 3 years. apparently they were together for 2 years while he was married. i meant 3 years is enough to finish with marriage, he isn't fully finished.

I don't understand why people think OPs FDH isnt over it, just becuz his name is on mortgage and gives money for kids extras. That doesnt mean he isnt going on with rest of his life. I dont understand why OP thinks that means X has control over his life. Unless the problem is FDH cant get a house of his own becuase he is on mortgage? There is a difference between kids always being in your life and not getting over marriage.

It took him very long to actually get a divorce and that is suspicous for me. he's been wiht OP for 3 years, but divorced less that a year. what was the hold up?

FD
from my experience it took us 6 years after my husbands divorce to marry...having both come from long term marriages, we both thought it would be wise to wait and work on our own issues..My husbands issues had a lot to do with trust and being financially raped. Mine also had to do with trust. We had both been married to our exes for 18ish years. It took us a while to stop reacting to one another as though we were the ex. time tables are different for everyone. personally, I think the longer you wait and work on yourself the better probability you'll have for a successful second marriage.

i totally agree cindy, it is wise to wait. My point is not that OP has to marry him quickly (she absoultelly shouldn't) but the fact that they have been together for 3 years and yet he just got divorced less than a year ago.

I meant why wasn't he getting divorced sooner? What did he wait for, and how they end up toghether while he was still married? that hold up is suspicious to me. maybe he hoped to reconcile with his X or something..they have been together for 3 years but he is still on X's mortage etc stuff like that sounds fishy.

So often the first relationship a newly-divorced or not-quite-divorced person has turns out to be an interim one, & the relationship partner is the one who suffers.

OP, you might take a step back & look at this situation as though you were *not* involved in it, as though you were reading about it or watching it on tv;
what would you think about the behavior pattern of the man in the story if he weren't someone in your own life?

I wish you the best.