Father lies for and baby's 16year old stepson

11 years ago

I have been married for a year and a half but have been with my husband for 2 an a half years. 6 months before we were married my husbands ex wife kicked both his boys out and he moved them in with me before he had moved in. When they came to live with us the 17year old was supposed to be a junior in high school but only had 3 total high school credits. The 14 year old was failing he 8th grade. Long story short, we put the older one in an alternative high school and he got caught up but then his mother talked him into moving back for child support. He was then kicked out of school for dealing drugs an we were told nothing until we were mailed forms. The 14 year old then still lives with us but it has been a struggle. His mother is trying to claim my husband did not ever pay child support, and told his children for years the same. After a lot of arguing because my husband did not know how to get cancelled checks, we can prove he paid over and beyond by 20,000 thousand. But everytime one of her attorneys tells her she has to settle she hires a new and we start over again. My problem with my stepson is that my husband was diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer and his son has had the odasity to tell friends, family and myself at the age of 15 and a half that my husband is faking his cancer because his mother said so. Then he continuously asks my husband how much money we have in savings, when are we buying a house, a truck etc. My husband tells him everything then he runs to his mom and she comes up with more acussations and gets greedier. My SS gets praised and rewarded marterialistically which is outrageous! Then he turns around and talks crap about his mother so my husband feels like he's the perfect angel and once again he is rewareded for bad morals. Unfortunately my husband lied to me about all of the legal stuff and financial crap before we were married and now I'm stuck. He knows his son is his mothers spy but makes excuses for his bad behavior. If his son gets into trouble, lies or steels, my husband lies, makes excuses or hides it from me. If I'm upset because his son leaves a mess an i am the one who has had to pick up all the slack the last 7 months due to chemo, raidiation, surgery and another 6 months of chemo, he tells me to shut up, knock it off rather than talking to his son. When his son stoled money from my daughter, it was our fault, our imagination never his sons. We parent my daughter as a team but his son is off limits and I can't say a thing to him or I'm the B**ch, so I try talking to him then he blows up at me. 4 days before we found our he had cancer he moved out and told me he let one woman ruin his son and he wasn't going to let me, this all stemming because I found drugs in his son's room and he was supposed to be grounded but my husband let him run all over the place an I called him on it. Then when I told him hope his test goes well, he all of a sudden wanted back. Now it's a vicious cycle. I'm expected to shut up, not say anything while I have all the work. We were in counseling and we agreed that both kids need to step up as older teenagers and help more. My daughter has, but if I ask his son to do anything or ask him to have his son so something an it doesn't get done, then he tells me so what, oh well or get over it while he sits in his chair and drinks while everyone calls sympathizing with him. He is doing very well on treatment an hasn't gotten to sick. He's just tired most of the time. Any advice? I hate being around my stepson, looking at him or having to do anything for him. Part of it is he is old enough to know right from wrong and his disregard for his dad who is not given a good chance to live past 2 years. The other is his dad's disrespect for my position an me completely.

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Comments (7)

Amber3902
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
The problem isn't the SS, the problem is the FATHER that lets his son walk all over you, that has no problem parenting your daughter but calls you a b$tch for daring to correct his son.

"not I'm stuck" No, you're not.
You don't have any kids with this man. Why are you still there?
gardenandcats
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Couldn't of said it any better Amber3902!
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@ parent of one: i know that smacking his bum was not the best choice but given the cirucumstances it was all i could think of to get it through his head that he'd better not do that again. and he hasn't so i guess it served it's purpose. other than that i think i will just continue to step back and keep my distance if possible. i have already done the parenting courses. i have also been attending the odd lecture when they come up. there is a support group i could attend but DH does not want to go, and he does not want me to take the kids even if there is childcare there and i am hesitant to leave him with all the children for the amount of time it would take to get there and be back because he is lacking in the patience department. he also will not go to any type of parenting group or agree to have anyone come into the home and 'tell him how to raise his kids' as he puts it. i realize that SS is too young to be given up on but don't want to be the one who has to deal with it. i will be nice to him and help him with things if i need to but i'm not goint to volunteer to do it if he doesn't ask me. he is not all bad. he spent about half an hour sitting on me today and hugging my neck while i was watching a movie. that was nice. @mom of 4. dh does not really listen to me. i have tried to show him things i've learned at parenting courses and he always says okay he'll try it but if he does it's once and then that's it. i can't even get him to go to the dentist regularely nevermind a therapist. he has his own issues which is why i was handling everything with SS on my own as well as most of the other kids although he does have alot more patience and understanding for the other 2 younger kids.
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I think you'd better get out of there before you end up with criminal charges filed against you, & the whole family will chime in to 'support' the accuser; you're the outsider already, & you'll be the scapegoat. This is a deeply disfunctional, very disturbed family, & your husband not only enables it, he's very solidly a part of it. You can't make it better, & it'll get much much worse. I'm so sorry, & I wish you the best.
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I have to say that I am very sad to hear that your husband not only condones this behavior, but then badmouths you to a 2 1/2 year old! My ss was a little younger than this when I entered the picture and he ALWAYS got his way with daddy. But he was never one to hurt others, just throw temper tantrums. My husband fed into this behavior and gave ss whatever he wanted. I took it for a while and finally one day I just looked at my huband and told him that my ss needed to be introduced to time-out. My ss would not stay in time-out at first, but eventually he caught on. My husband still puts up with a lot more from ss than I do (now he is 5 and he will still tell his dad he doesn't want to put his own shoes on and then throw himself on the ground and cry). He tried that with me a few times and I picked him and his shoes up and carried him to the car and buckled him up shoeless. When we got wherever we were going everyone else got out of the car and my ss had no choice but to put his shoes on. (luckily he did not know that I would never leave him alone in a car!) Now my other skids and biokid all tell my husband how my ss listens to me perfectly and does not cry for me or throw temper tantrums! So, my husband has been giving more discipline and my ss is slowly improving for his dad. My suggestion, talk to your hubby about this behavior and how dangerous it can be once your new baby is here. Do you want a 2 1/2 year old who hurts everyone else hurting a newborn? Also tell him how much it hurts you when he calls you a witch for demanding respect from a child. Children need discipline, and at his age he will continue to see just how far he can go---which seems like it may be way too far! Good luck!
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I agree with the above. Your bf is letting a 6 year old run the show. If your bf doesnt' change, ie the fighting with you in front of the kids which shouldnt' be doen in the first place, then leave. But you make sure to sit both your bf down and son and tell them together your decision and why. Oh yah, personally, i know its important for your bf to see his newborn but under the circumstances, i wouldnt trust his son with the way you are describing it. The problem here is the father not being a father. Your stepson, is feeling threatened by your pregnancy. His father should have sat him down and spoke to him about it. You guys should have told him you were pregnant before you showed. He felt betrayed for not being in the circle. Now he feels he will lose his father because of your newborn. There is a serious lack of communication on the fathers part here. You must have a family sit down adn keep an open communication with this child ifyou want to continue. But if you keep fighting with the bf , this is also going to affect your kid. If bf doesn't change, leave. Its best for your child. But i would have supervised visitation. let your bf come over to see his newborn. Dont let him take him to his house. His son will turn his anger onto his half brother. And seeing how your bf doesn't seem to parent well, i would bring that issue upfront for safety. (i knew a case where the sd was strangling her little half sister, if it werent' for the grandmother that little 3 year old would have died.)
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Nik8413
Original Author
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You're right. An the answer to your question is because he has cancer and the fact of what people would asay if I left. Who would take care of him when it gets bad? Others see him as this wonderful person when we are out and nobody knows anything about him except his double image he portrays. But things aren't going to change an I need to worry about my happiness and my daughter. It's a hard reality when you love someone and you realize that they don't love you in return but he only came back to use me to take care of him because the cancer. If he didn't have the cancer, I already know this marriage would have ended an he would have never wanted to come back. Thank You for your input. It's easier to here it from someone other than family that tend to be more bias. But in my case, part of my family also loves him because our dad's were best friends before they both died, and they have been hanging out with him long before I ever met him, so part my family hangs onto him to hang onto his dad an our dad.
pseudo_mom
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
He needs you to take care of him (where else does he have to go?).... and if you resent doing for SS stop doing it ... let the house fall apart or hire someone....maybe it will get to disgusting for him and he will join older brother at mom's. If you are committed to caring for your hubby .... a great motivator for hubby might be ... I am here to take care of you not him he can do it or you do it for him .... granted he is very ill and in no position to start to parent a 16yo.

You have a very tough decision(s) to make.

Sucks for you because there are 2 kids yours vs his and he will never side with you .... I can sympathize but other than telling him to pack his $hit and take his ungrateful son with him I have no advice. But first I would start hoarding money :)
colleenoz
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'd be off like a bride's nightie in your situation. If people do say anything as to why you called it quits, either you can explain or you can simply tell that that it wasn't the cancer and not everyone knows what goes on behind closed doors. You could also if you wished say there were unsolvable issues with his son which made your position in the household untenable.
>> Who would take care of him when it gets bad?
readinglady
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I have been down that cancer road several times, so I know how physically and emotionally exhausting it is.

You have to do what you can live with long-term, and if you feel you couldn't live with yourself if you left your husband in these circumstances, then all you can do is minimize the wear-and-tear on yourself and your daughter.

I am sorry your step-son is so impossible and even sorrier your husband is so difficult and unsupportive. Cancer didn't suddenly make him a better or different person.

Here are my suggestions:

1) Protect yourself and your daughter financially for the possible time when your husband is no longer with you. You may want to set up a separate bank account and sequester some of your resources so you are assured of access to monies regardless of anything your husband might do (like decide suddenly to put his sons' names on the account).

If possible, consult with an attorney regarding estate planning. Given your husband's current intractability, you may not have any luck securing his cooperation. But at least you will know what your legal rights are.

2) Prioritize your tasks. Your husband's medical care is a priority. Your daughter's physical and emotional needs are priorities. Doing your step-son's laundry, picking up after him or fixing meals are not. At 14 he can do those things for himself. If he doesn't do them, his problem.

3) Look into support systems for yourself and your husband. That would include hospital services, family support groups and Hospice, so that if the burdens get too heavy to carry alone you know who to go to.

Do these things while you're still capable of thinking clearly. A time may come when you're too tired to think at all.

This assumes you decide to stick it out. You may decide this is too thankless a task and leave your husband and his rotten kids to their own devices. Feel right in your choice and the judgements of others won't matter.
Nik8413
Original Author
11 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thank you for the advice, planning ahead and protecting myself financially is what I have to do which I have not thought about in great detail. My first priority will be to protect myself for the unknown and I haven't thought about checking into support, but I will for my own sanity.

Father lies for and baby's 16year old stepson

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Amber3902

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Father lies for and baby's 16year old stepson

Comments (7)

Amber3902

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