bf's baggage

15 years ago

i'm divorced for over three years. been living with bf who has a FIVE year agreement to pay for wife's mortage, taxes and home insurance till year five. Three 1/2 years later, she has done nothing to improve her situation. has a college degree and works at a paultry job and wont get a better one. if he divorces her, she has no health insurance, when the five years is up, mortgage is SUPPOSED to stop. his two grown children live at home and hate my guts, like i am the person responsible for his failed marriage! he has attempted to file for divorce several times cause that what I want. every time, she gets sick... i keep telling him he needs to actually give it up, not pretend. he keeps her on credit cards, bank accounts, keeps his name on utilities and he cant understand what the problem is. its killing me, he's really a great guy that i'm very compatable with, but i'm tired carrying his baggage. if i encourage him to divorce her, his attitude is still that he is responsible for this mess, especially since we are are nearing retirement...she will have little. sigh. how to let go?

Comments (10)

cindy_pond
15 years ago
Sadly he's not ready to give up. How do you let go? by letting go. Of course you are the one his kids will blame for the failed marriage no matter what the circumstances are. You are living with a married man and their father. If you had waited until after the divorce to be together things might not be so complicated. I understand that you love him and you feel compatable with him, but he's still attached to her and the situation. If he is living in your house, tell him to leave. If you are in his house, then I would just go.
If you are meant to be together you will be someday. But right now, he's still very married.
lovehadley
15 years ago
Yeah, he is very married to his ex. I totally agree with what Cindy said. I would leave if you are living with him, and if he's living in your home, he needs to go. This is not okay. Well, I mean, if he wants to live like this, that's HIS choice but it's not something you should be forced to accept.

Sounds like he is not ready to let go of his wife. People don't do things without getting something out of it--your BF is obviously getting something from this arrangement that keeps him "hooked."
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Ok, so his problem is big time financial. I guess it's important to ask how he got in this mess. Was it a one time auto accident without insurance, did his house catch fire, bad business deal, gambling addiction, expensive mistress, what? Everyone can go through a bad period; but his financial problem seems major and on going. If he declared bankruptcy or was able to dig himself out, would you expect this financial problem to start all over again or not? You mention his good qualities but I'm not sure you can really say these particular ones exist: considerate of my feelings similar values and goals professional understanding an incredible father and role model (really?) Do you think with his big time financial problems (unless he got into them helping to pay for a child's brain surgery) you can really say those above things about him? You're left with some good qualities... cute, funny, worships you... are those good enough for you? Money isn't everything. He could be a starving artist or work for pennies for a volunteer organization, but he needs to be intelligent and respect you (and his children) enough to know that (unless sick or something) he needs to be able to help to financially support his family. He needs to have a real attack plan -- otherwise, I would bet not only does he not really respect you, but probably not himself either... and that, is a really bad trait to have.
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I would like to thank everyone for their input. It has drawn my attention to items that missed my focus and brought more perspective. I understand I have issues I carry with me from my past and perhaps counseling could resolve these this is something I will arrange. It has made me feel so much better though just to hear of your stories or opinions. My friends dont understand what Im going through so this has made me feel less alone. Thank you. I dont think my wanting to have a family with a man who hasnt had one before is a fairytale. I have always wanted this for myself and I guess Im going through a grieving process as I am letting something I have cherished for so long go. This dream for me is precious as it would be the opposite of what Ive always had; it is possibly a means to no more pain and hurt and I guess Im trying to protect my possible children from such feelings. Just to clarify: my boyfriend has not seen his daughter since late last year. His ex-partner refuses him access to his daughter. My BF was paying maintenance up until about a month ago; he ceased payments in a futile attempt to trigger his ex-partner to contact him to arrange regular visitations. The court system has not been involved as yet my BF and his ex-partner had a personal arrangement. My BF wants to see his daughter and I wish he did, so I could understand exactly my place in this equation, and explore those feelings I know will emerge e.g. how I feel the first time he sees her since weve been together. As an example last Friday night was in part spent watching a baby video of his daughter. It made me sad and sick and Im still working through those feelings. Tonight he talked about how he held a baby today that was quiet and described how his daughter would cry if held by a stranger. Im still experiencing anxiety at hearing this. I dont want my boyfriend to already be a father. To juxtapose my feelings to possibly highlight what Im now experiencing: when I discussed having children with my former long term partner I would feel happy, excited, warm and would have a few butterflies in my stomach but it felt special. When my current BF talks of his daughter it fills me with the abovementioned negative feelings and dread. When we talk of having children (as he wants two more) it doesnt feel special but just like something else thats going to happen in an ordinary day. Its like the colours of the rainbow have been washed out and the rainbow is now in shades of grey. I definitely need time to process my feelings and what Im going through before making a decision. Thank you all again. Sincerely Midnight Fairy
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@JMT - good suggestions, I will see how it goes Sat., and see what BF's mom thinks re shower gifts. @Amber/susan - as to BM trying to have all the power, I've told BF to stand up and be firm, without being pushy. No, BM shouldn't dictate who else sees baby on BF's visits, but it's at her house and she legally can deny entry if she wants until BF gets visits at his place. Yes, she can make plans too, but never is flexible for BF, whom she allows so little time w/baby already, no matter how special his plans are or the ease with which she could change hers to accommodate his if she chose to. BM clearly "gets off" on her control of the situation. @Susan -- BM only involved BF for the money. She has said she'd not have allowed visits at all, but her lawyer said she must. So, maybe she was advised that there is "more to it," but now that baby's here it's too late and she's done all she can to direct the course of things. True, I have no *legal* rights, but I can (and should) voice my concerns to BF and if the situation does not reach a point I can 'accept,' yes, I'll have to leave. The fact that BM has been immature, unreasonable, controlling and condescending so far makes me think it'll be very hard to accept and live with it... @Amber -- BF and I would see each other every weekend and sometimes once mid-week. Before I knew about a baby on the way, BF talked about moving here. No way I can leave my (well-paying) job, there are no similar opportunities in his small town and I have student loans to pay, plus I work long days already so commuting for me is problematic whereas he gets mileage to/from work. Best I can do is move to westside (now on east) and he'd have a 35-40 min commute. Assuming BF and BM split driving so each picks up baby on their days with her, that's not a horrible drive a few days a week, but it's certainly not as convenient as now. On the other hand, schools out my way are *much* better than the crap district BM and fiance moved into, so one would think in the long run it'd actually be best for BF's daughter, if she can get a superior education. Anyway, I won't sacrifice my career for this uncertain situation, not having ever lived with BF or knowing what future with child and BM holds. I also can't continue living an hour apart, feeling more like I have a pen pal than a partner. BF now of course has even less time for me, which wasn't much to start with, but I shouldn't have to put my life on hold while he sorts out his issues. I may suggest taking a break so he's not half-assing being a dad and a boyfriend, and see what happens. Thanks for all the helpful advice. I am still going to meet BM Sat., see what happens on the return court date next month, and take it from there.
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Iam not going to comment on the description of how a marriage ends in this post. its been my experience that marriages end for all kinds of reasons, in all kinds of ways, and that the blame for it never really rests on one of the parties alone. That being said, I sometimes find myself cringing when reading some of the posts here by second wives. Almost every second wife who is running into stepfamily problems, who posts in this forum, whines about how the ex wife was/is a horrible mother, and treats the former husband so horribly, blah blah blah. They constantly denigrate the step kids, while claiming their own kids are perfect angels. More often than not, they blame the ex wife for the kids problems in the stepfamily. Most divorced people and their new spouses will look negatively at a previous spouse. Thats human nature. But realistically ladies, you CHOSE to marry your husbands, and they in turn CHOSE to marry their ex wives and have babies with them. If these women are so horrible, then what does that say about your husband's taste? Fact is, most bio mother and bio fathers are just fine. They dont do things the same way you would, and there is some residual bad feeling, but they arent the problem. when you marry a man with children , you need to put your own natural inclination to try to take over his and his kids lives on hold, and just STAY OUT OF IT. If he cant, or wont deal with the ex, its not your problem OR your place. LEt them work out the details themselves, and stop the critisizing. For the most part, ex's and their new spouses, on both sides of a stepfamily, have a warped perception of t he other side. Again, thats probably human nature, but it will make it much more stressful to do the right thing for the children. Lest you think that I am some bitter ex wife whining, ( which I notice has been the assumption on others who call out the nasty attitudes on here) I will say that I am a bio mom of four, and a step mom of two. My ex husband has never remarried, and thus my children do not have a stepmother of their own. Do I get along with my ex? No. But I dont bad mouth him, and I deal civilly with him, so that the kids arent affected by it. After all, what does it say to a kid if you tell him what a donkey his other parent is? Sometimes, ladies, the high road is to allow yourselves to be wronged by the other party. As for my step children, I stay out of it. I love my stepkids, try to do things that help them in their lives, worry about things they do that can negatively affect them.One of my stepkids is having major problems with attitude and school. I dont think some of the things that their bio mom does are correct or helpful, but guess what? they arent my children, and its not my place to tell her how to parent. There is residual anger between my husband and his ex, and I guess my natuarl inclination would be to side with my husband. I do, privately. But I refuse to be drawn into their issues, because they are THEIR issues. Anyway, ladies, I think a lot of you need to just lighten up and stop trying to control things to your liking. Those things arent your place to control anyway. Take the high road a little more often and dont knock the bio mom. She is almost always doing the best she can, although you dont see it. And your husbands are almost always doing the best that they can, although the bio mom doesnt always see it. Thus is the nature of divorce , and stepparenting.
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imamommy
15 years ago
You may not like to hear this, but HE IS STILL MARRIED TO HER! How you can live with a guy that is married to another woman is none of my business and something YOU need to contend with, but regardless of whether he 'loves' her or not, he is STILL MARRIED. He hasn't divorced her, he hasn't even separated from her... maybe physically, but they remain on everything else together. YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN.

He is having his cake, and eating it too. If the two of you are that compatible and he's really such a great guy, then why not tell him that you need to do this the RIGHT way. You should not be together until he is capable of being in a committed relationship with only you and he needs to deal with his marriage BEFORE you can be in a relationship with him. What motivation does he have to do anything differently? You are tolerating it, his wife is being taken care of and using guilt to hang on (or at least that is what you are being told) and his kids will ALWAYS see you as the other woman. That is because you are and as long as you are in the picture and he is still legally married to their mother, you will be seen as the reason he is not with their mother, even if there are plenty of other reasons or he would not be with her anyways. He should have ended his marriage before starting a new relationship with anyone. It really isn't fair to you.
moxie444
Original Author
15 years ago
thanks everyone, i know that i'm hosed, just need to hear it from an outside source. it makes me very sad to acknoledge outloud, cause i must be proactive and getting tired. the other woman...what a horrible place to be seen. my family members love me, i need to go back to those that treat me well. love does not fix all things.
disengaging
15 years ago
A guy who's still legally married with grown kids who hate and blame you for the breakup of their parents' marriage? I personally don't think I could do it.

If I DID however, with the full knowledge that he had a 5 year agreement, well, if that's the deal, then that's the deal!

I'd never break a preexisting deal for anyone, and wouldn't even ask someone to do so on my account either. I believe strongly in the importance of honoring commitments.

I'm sorry but my husband actually had to wait 8 years for me because of a preexisting commitment I made--to myself! He didn't much like it, but he knew about it going into our relationship. He didn't really understand or agree, but didn't try to pressure me to change my mind either. Wouldn't have worked anyway.

If he really IS responsible for this mess, then he SHOULD clean it up! I personally wouldn't respect anyone who didn't.

I probably would try to pin him down as to exactly what he intends to do if his X doesn't hold up her part of the bargain at the end of 5 years. If he won't commit to agreeing to take action at that point, then I'd walk.
steppschild
15 years ago
In addition to what everyone else has already told you, if you live in my state like mine, and his ex is awarded spousal support, the spousal support lasts for exactly one half of the duration of their marriage unless she remarries. As an example, for a 20 year marriage she is entitled to 10 years worth of support. If this is the case for you guys, then the three years he's spent with you is an additional 18 months pay for her.
stargazzer
15 years ago
I knew another lady that was living with a man who would not marry her. He was single and his reason for not marrying was "his divorce cost him to much and he didn't want to be burned again". When she complained to me about him, I asked her "what will he gain by marrying you, he is getting it free now". She thought about it, then packed her bags and left him, moved to another state. It wasn't long until he went after and married her. I don't understand women who can't figure it out. If you had not moved in with him you might be married to him by now.

My husband pulled the same thing on me, I gave the ring back to him. He gave it back to me the same day and we married on schedule. I found out later his ex's thing with her boyfriend wasn't working out and she wanted him on standby. She was pleading with him not to marry me.
imamommy
15 years ago
Star, you reminded me of what happened with my DH. We were dating and I casually started discussing the 'future' and I had no intention on dragging him to the alter, just curious to know if marriage was EVER in his plans... we had been dating almost a year. I was 35 and didn't want to waste my time dating someone that never wanted to get married because I eventually wanted to. (I was in no rush or anything) He blurted out that he never wants to get married again, he's been burned and THAT will never happen again. A few days later, after thinking it over, I told him that I love him very much but I also know that someday I want more and maybe we just want different things and I broke up with him. There was no fight or harsh words, we agreed to 'stay friends'. A week later, I was going on dates with other people. Within a few weeks, he was begging me for another chance. He proposed a couple of months later and we were married 9 months after that.

He's a great guy but I was not going to waste my time or his, waiting for him to decide what he wants when I already know. I started dating right away (mostly a bunch of bad first dates) to show him I was not going to sit home, pining away for him. (of course his ex, who was really nice to me before our break up, changed her tune toward me as soon as we got back together)
finedreams
15 years ago
the bottom line he is married. what else there is to dicuss? the problem is not that he is not commiting to you. problem is that he is married to someone else.
stargazzer
15 years ago
imamommy, thanks for the reply. I was a little worried about how it sounded. One of the main interests all my life is observing people, how they think and act. I've known a few women who go to bars, sleeps with a guy from the bar and thinks he is going to call her. I worked for a women one time that picked up a trucker at a club, took him to her home where her 2 young boys were sleeping and had sex with him. She came dancing through the door at work saying I have a new boy friend and told me the details. When she called him she got a bar in Texas. Lordy, lordy, as naieve as I was in my young adult years, I knew if you jumped into bed with a guy on the first date, he would never take you home to meet his mother.

bf's baggage

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