I'm sorry that the situation is so complicated. Some people, although they do love their children, they just don't know how to be good parents and don't have the motivation for whatever reason to find out how to be a better parent.

I honestly do feel for your situation and applaud you for being a stand up SM but I would strongly urge you to encourage your skids to let go of their anger. That is going to stay with them forever and it's not healthy. Maybe it's DHs place to encourage it. I read this yesterday 'in the best interest of the child, a parent, regardless of the actions of the other parent, should always encourage and promote a positive relationship with the child and the parent.' I used to not do this many years ago but I see it now. No matter what my ex and his wife do or say to my DD, encouraging her and being positive has helped my dd so much. It helps her to see the brighter side of life regardless of what had happened. BD didn't get her equal to what they got his stepdaughter for Christmas. It upset DD and she said 'it's not fair!' I told her, well it's not that they love you different it's just that you don't go to their house or live with them so they did get you something and it doesn't matter the size, quantity or $amount it's the thought that counts. If my DD didn't like a game her dad got her, we would have encouraged her to donate it to a charity or to pass it to a friend - not ask for something else... That is being ungrateful. Even if BM is a weirdo... Teaching the kids to be ungrateful because her gifts are not good enough will cause them to become ungrateful, entitled adults. And I don't think that's the message you are probably wanting to send.

I am glad BM showed up. I also wouldn't trust her too soon... But the teary eyes tells me she recognizes what a mess she has, but I don't think she has any idea how to clean it up. It sounds like she feels like buying the kids gifts is the only way to get their attention and affection and that is sad too. I have a bio dad like that ... It didn't work... It only made me angrier at him.

I kind of agree with myfampg in a way in regards to not liking a gift. I had the same thought.

If there was no gift receipt attached and there was no way of exchanging, then he just had to put up with whatever gift he got or like myfampg said donate it. Maybe he already had exactly the same game then maybe it is OK to say "I am so sorry i already have exactly same game, could i exchange it for a different one".

I do agree with myfampg, that's how she expresses affection, buying gifts (very infrequently), she feels guilty but does not know how to fix it.

On one hand kids have to be grateful whatever they got. On the other hand it is hard to be grateful when they get nothing from a parent besides gifts.

Sometimes SMs on this site said how they DHs buy things for their SKs that they do not see, expensive things like a car, and buy gifts, but kids are ungrateful and don't even appreciate it, well because you can't buy love and spending money is just not cutting it. I think these SKs don't even feel grateful. They don't need gifts, they need something else that they are not getting...

It is tough for kids to know how to behave with such weird parent. When and how do you let go...

Exactly PO1. They are needing something from their mom gifts can't give and they are angry and seem ungrateful bc they don't want a gift... They want mom to be their MOM.

Sometimes people say to me 'your DD will figure out one day that her dad didn't put her first and she will figure it out on her own. She just needs you to love her and support her bc one day she wil see him for who he is'. I don't want my DD to see 'who he really is'. I would rather have her think he hung the moon than to see that he is a first class jerk. Even when their bioparents are deadbeats or whatever, the kids anger in fact comes from the fact that they are a part of that parent. That parent created them and then is a jerk - which makes the
angry and in turn anything the bioparents does isn't good Enough.

I am this way and I know I should not be. I haven't heard from my biodad directly since march 2010. My SM sends me messages or comments or messages thru facebook like... WE love you. WE miss you. But nothing from my Dad. But he did send a Christmas card with gift cards for the kids and do you know what my reaction was? I didn't open it for a week. I left it on the counter and didn't want to open it. Mostly because I know it would say something like 'we miss you - give us a call sometime we would like to see you - it's been too long - blah blah blah.' meaning there is only one way of communication ME calling him because Godforbid he pick up the phone and call me. Then when I opened it, it did say those things and there were gift cards to the kids. I just chunked the card onto the desk and rolled my eyes. Why? I don't know. I still am trying to figure it out. But I was pissed that I never heard from him for my bday, now I hear from him and I rolled my eyes. Maybe it's bc I would like him to pick up the phone and call, not send a card... But isn't it the thought that counts? I don't know. Even at my age, I am still that little girl wondering why my daddy doesn't even think about me until it's a holiday. So I can see that's how these kids feel about their mom. It's just so unfortunate.

I think some people are just the way they are....At some point I guess we have to accept...I think we are always little kids deep inside needing our parents and their attention.

Myfampg, Just a suggestion...forgive me if i am wrong since i don't know the details...What if you pick up the phone and call your dad yourself? Sometimes the best idea is to make a first step. maybe he feels the same way "she never calls me".

Usually the kids are all very gracious about any gifts they get. Bm got ss a game for a game system he does not have. That is why he disliked the game. She had asked what to get him for Christmas and I told her what game system he had, but she got him this instead and said it was all they had at her work and if he didn't like it she could exchange it or get him the money. So that is why I was honest with her about it. (I tried to return it to a game store one day and brand new in the package they tried to only give me $4 without a receipt!)

Myfampg: As for how the kids see their bm we are done making excuses for her behaviors. The kids are not stupid and we don't want them to think her behavior is a responsible way to parent. These kids will probably be parents one day and we don't want them to emulate her behaviors because we kept making excuses for her. BM lies to them all the time and blows the kids off for months at a time until her parents get on her case.

A few of her bs excuses
-"sorry I moved out of state without telling you and did not call for 10 months, but I was not around a phone at all during that time."
-"I know I was supposed to pick you up that weekend 2 months ago but _____ was sick and I did not get a chance to call you."
-"I didn't show up to take you shopping for your birthday and have your party because I texted and nobody responded so I just thought you were busy"(NO TEXT WAS EVER SENT)
-"He is just cranky because he watched your brother and sisters all day" (as she is standing in our doorway and her bf is on speakerphone telling her that since she came to our house she can come home and pack her sh** and get the he** out of his house)

How do we back bm up on these things??? We just let the kids express their feelings and we acknowledge their feelings. At times we make comments like "your mom needs to get her life together, but she does love you". That is really all we can say. I understand wanting them to be positive and see the good in everyone and in most situations we do try to do that. But sometimes the rose colored glasses have to come off and you need to see that a duck is a duck. A duck can not be a peacock because you wish it to be so.

"Sometimes SMs on this site said how they DHs buy things for their SKs that they do not see, expensive things like a car, and buy gifts, but kids are ungrateful and don't even appreciate it, well because you can't buy love and spending money is just not cutting it. I think these SKs don't even feel grateful. They don't need gifts, they need something else that they are not getting..."

PO1 - if this was a dig at me, it was uncalled for. I never said DH "bought" his son a car, I said he "gave" his son a car. The main difference here is these kids are young. DH's son was 17, couldn't afford a vehicle and was geting a job ON A MOUNTAIN. So he NEEDED a vehicle and DH had one from his divorce he wasn't using.

You're right....kids don't need gifts, they need love, but they also need their parents to be able to give them the things they need so they can become responsible adults.

Incognitomom - I'm glad BM actually followed through, but she can't expect a sudden turnaround in the kids because of 1 act. I totally understand your lack of sympathy for her. I am having an issue myself with feeling any sympathy for BM for her divorce. The problem is that some people can't see that they are the reason for their own unhappiness. They can change everything in their world, but they will always be miserable because wherever they go, there they are.

Ash I don't think it was a dig at you. I had not read a post from you about that - so I am unfamiliar with the background - however as I was reading her post, I thought she was commenting to me on my first post. Just my opinion and interpretation.

I get it incognito ... I do get it. I don't mean rose colored glasses or anything but if they don't get their anger over with and released some how, they will be like me later on. Still angry.

PO1. I could call my dad but I'm kind of exhausted with his excuses. I have lived at this same address and he has been here, he still had to call my sister and ask for the address. My sister is 'loyal' to him but she often complains that she is the only one that makes the effort. He never calls her, she always has to call him. So I don't really want to get into that either. It will just Annoy me when I have to call him again because I never heard back from him after months. It's his turn to call
me.... And I'm his daughter. My mom calls me every day. I don't expect it, she just does. And when she doesn't call, I call her. Two way street.

ashley, your situation with the car was just one example how some kids are ungrateful. Many people here complain how dads buy stuff but kids are ungrateful. It is not that simple. There is more to it. My dad also gave me his car once, and i still am very grateful. But my dad is part of my life on a daily basis. And will most likely live with me in old age and so on. If he just sent me stuff, I don't know how I would feel, probably hurt.

I hear you myfampg, I just wondered what if you call first, but looks like you've calling first but he does not reciprocate. It is his lost.