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New step mom
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Posted by kjeff760 (My Page) on Thu, Jan 12, 12 at 13:12
Hello everyone,
I have been reading this forum for a while now and decided to introduce myself. I am a new step mom to a 4 year old boy. Very long, complex, crazy story short.. my fiance gave full custody to his ex wife in 2009 for various reasons, however she passed away in July so we are in the process of gaining full custody again. So far things have been ok, however I am concerend that the little guy doesnt like me, I wouldnt be suprised if his mother told him I am a bad person, and to make it worse his Grandma told him I am his new mom so I feel he might think I have something to do with his real mother not being around anymore. Any advice or thoughts on this? Or any advice on being a step mom in general would be much appreciated. Thanks. |
Follow-Up Postings:
RE: New step mom
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| Wow....not an expert or anything but I think some type of counseling/therapy (individual and possibly family too) would probably help the little guy out a lot, he's had a lot thrown his way in the first few years of life. ] And tell Grandma to shut her pie-hole...you are not now, and never will he his "new mom"....you can (and should) be a huge part of his life, and give him all the love in the world, but no one should be telling a child his age such ridiculous things like that...talk about confusing! Hanging around this forum will help. A lot of people here have been through quite a lot....interesting reading. |
RE: New step mom
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| Yes, I have mentioned counseling alot, however he is currently living with his Grandma about 300 miles away and she has yet to take him. And we have also told her to never say I am his new mom again, but shes a little on the nutty side so who knows what else she says. The reason for that is, since we did not have custody (and had to pay $600/month is child support) we are currently living in a small one bedroom, but we are in the process of getting a house so he can come live with us. |
RE: New step mom
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| A four year old that just lost his primary caregiver is probably not disliking you because of anything his mother told him, it is more likely that he just wants his mommy and can't have her. Kids need & thrive in stable situations and his life is currently upside down. If he is stable with grandma & she's willing to raise him, is that an option? I know that I have been raising my grandson for 2 years and my son just returned from the military. It will take several months before he may be ready to live with my son... after he establishes a relationship and is prepared to parent. It is a huge adjustment for both the child and parent that hasn't been an active part of the child's life for a period of time. When you are there from day 1, it is a gradual process of learning to interact and building habits/routines. That is probably why blending families is so difficult. When you take people that have their way of doing things in two different households & expect them to adjust to the way the other does it after a marriage, it creates tension & chaos. If dad is only wanting to take custody to get out of paying the child support, he might want to rethink it & do what's best for the child... which may be to leave him with the grandma. (or someone that really wants him and is prepared to deal with the issues he may have). $600 seems like a lot, but really it's not. When you figure out what a bigger place is going to cost, more utilities, more food, counseling, clothes, activities, daycare, medical care, etc.... $600 a month is nothing. The ultimate decision should be made based on what is best for the child. period. I agree, grandma needs to shut it & you need to be patient. It takes time to establish a relationship and you don't mention if the dad has had any relationship with him at all after giving custody to the mom. If not, there is probably some resentment & anger towards the dad... will may spill over to you because you are the wife & he may view you as part of the reason his dad wasn't in his life. Get that kid into counseling and maybe some family counseling so you all can learn to communicate with each other. |
RE: New step mom
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| Thanks for the advice. :) Just to be clear, we dont want custody to get out paying child support. We are giving Grandma all of the survivor befits the child now receives from government, so it has nothing to to with that. And dad has a very good relationship with him, they kinda just picked up where thery left off in 2009. He just seems to act differently towards me. Even if we are around alot of other people he acts very differently towards me. He also gets upset whenever dad is talking to me and not paying attnetion to him. I just dont know if that normal 4 year old behavior, or if its because he has had a pretty tramatic childhood so far. |
RE: New step mom
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| I'm sorry, but if the child is 4... in 2009 he was 1-2. You don't pick up where you left off after being gone for 2 years. Those are his formative years. If dad has a good relationship with him now... just visiting him, that is NOT the same as a good relationship with a parent that is actually raising him. My DGS does well with his mom when he visits her for a day or two but when he comes back, he's a mess. He has nightmares, tantrums, and always an adjustment period. He's almost 3 and hasn't had the trauma your SS has. He probably needs dad's attention and perhaps sees you as competition for it. I know that my SD gets along with pretty much anyone except me. She wants daddy to herself. That is even more understandable if the boy just lost his mommy and starting to see the guy that hasn't been a part of his life for two years. My DGS was 9 months old when he came to live with me. My son has been gone 2 years & there is no way my DGS is going to just pick up where they left off... they don't know each other. In fact, my son wanted to come yank DGS from my home (where he has been stable for 2 years) and I am not going to allow that until he takes time to establish a relationship and I know DGS won't suffer any trauma from it. I suggested that maybe grandma could keep the child as I assume the grandmother has been in his life more than the father. It just seems like a lot of traumatic changes for this little boy. I don't think there is necessarily a "normal" 4 year old behavior because what is normal for one child that has two parents is going to be different than what is normal for a child that has a single parent... then you have children with a stay at home parent or children that go to daycare or have a nanny. Normal is open to interpretation. From what you have described in your posts (so information is limited), it sounds like his behavior is normal/expected for the trauma he has encountered. |
RE: New step mom
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| Thank you for the advice. I guess meant "picked up where they left off" as in the child wasnt shy or cold, and seemed to know excatly who he was. Does that make more sense? We have yet to even take him overnight so I cant say what that relationship is going to be like yet. |
RE: New step mom
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| I will amend my advice and suggest that if he isn't even doing overnight visits, then it would probably be best for you to stay home and let him visit the child without you for a while. The child needs all of his attention and needs to build a trusting secure relationship with his dad. At the moment, you may be seen as a threat to that. As the child feels more secure with his relationship with the dad, then you could join in on occasional visits and even spend some time alone to establish your own relationship with him, but it may be a long time before the child is ready to share his dad the way kids in regular families do. Even in some two parent families, kids have different needs for attention and may have trouble sharing a parent. |
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