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Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Posted by cindy_pond (My Page) on
Thu, Jan 29, 09 at 12:24

After reading mom of 2.5's post and reading Loves,and ima's responses, (and based on my own experience) I wanted to ask any of you who can relate and would like to share your thoughts as to Why does the ex always want to blame her failed marriage on Us? Why is it that they don't see their part in the failing of their marriage? Now as I said I'm not suggesting all ex wives do this because I'm an ex and I never blamed anyone for the fact that my ex and I were just plain wrong for each other and didn't have the guts to get out sooner...but that's another story...


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

I think ex wives who have personality that are selfcentered, and egotistical and have a low selfesteem do this. They tend to blame others, its always someone elses fault and they are always right.
When they lost their marriage, a loss of control especially in my case, SHe has control issues which of course have now been learned by sd. soo..the apple will not fall far from the tree.
I think they are imbittered people and they want to make exhubby as miserable as possible for leaving them. For betrayal in their mind against her family.
Divorce is a failure between two people. Andof course there are people who accept that both were responsible for not nurturing the relationship while other will blame their SO. Like in my case, My Dh was blamed for the divorce. She even went as far as telling her daughter that i had an affair which wasn't true..she was desperate and picking straws because she found out that we got engage at the time:)
She was upset and i mean reeeeeling with anger that her ex husband was truly happy with someone and that really bothered her. At the beginning of their divorce she went after many men, dating, partying etc..etc.. and she was trying to always prove to my Dh 'see, i'm having fun without you..' lol..my dh honestly couldn't care! He was just so happy to be divorced. He almost had a heartache from the stress alone just before they split.
EIther way, I think its their personality as people that really is the reason why they blame the new wife or sm for everything. They haven't gotten over the divorce and they are very insecure. Because honestly , if they weren't and they didn't care what their ex husband thought or did, then why is it soooo important to harp on the new wife or new SM? Why? because it threatens them. Its threatens their title, their position of what they did have with the ex. ITs threatens their power and any stretch of power in their mind that they have.
example: oh you dont want to do this, because SHE is in your life and SHe is changing your mind.
How many of you have gotten that line? EH???
My Dh told her a few months ago that shes just an unhappy person and that he's very happy with me and she has to move on with her life and stop looking over her shoulders and to concentrate on making her life better.
She hasnt stepped out of the house in 4 months now when my Dh goes to pick up his kids...but his kids have ditched alot of weekends as well.
So the only weapon she has left are her kids.....but she is beginning to realize that it holds no power over my Dh. If they choose not to come, its their decision. We continue to live our lives with our new family and if they do not want to be a part of it , its not our fault and we will not harbor any guilt. We will be happy and we are.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Hmmm.

I don't think, in my situation, that BM blames me for the breakup of her relationship (they were never married) with DH. I came on the scene about 10 months after they had split.

The problem was, for the first couple years, BM was very torn between hating my DH (boyfriend at the time) and wanting him back.

In fairness to her, I can kind of see how it bothered her. A part of her longed for stability and her "family" back and when DH and I became more serious, it was very hard for her to see me with him. My DH and I are a lot alike---BM is very different. DH and BM used to fight about drinking--she would want to go out to a bar and drink, he'd want to go to a movie and come home and relax.

DH and I are very similar in that we don't drink much---we love to go to movies---go out to dinner, etc. BM is not happy doing anything socially unless it involves a bar.

So I think it was VERY hard for BM to see us doing family activities with the kids---because a part of her knew that her own life *should* have been like that.

So even though I didn't cause the breakup of their relationship, she felt that I replaced HER ROLE in both her DS's life and in my DH's life.

I think the majority of BM's that are blamers and victims have major issues with jealousy and insecurity. They are threatened by another woman in their child(ren)'s life and I think much of the hostility is a result of feelings of inadequacy.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Not sure how we d ever know if Exs see their part in the failing of the marriage(we re not confidants)but seems to me the most vicious BMs are the ones that threw the husbands out, cheated, drank, drugged, and THEN want them back...And they cant have them back, so YOU are going to pay for it...And they have these handy little weapons to use in the battle called the children.....resentment, punishment,revenge,hatred,poison,court filings, just a few things that come to mind ..If you dont care about your Ex husband anymore, what is the purpose to keep dragging him and his SO thru this mud for years on end??? On another thread someone commented Ex thinks of DH as her lifelong property.Now someone else has her property, and the aftermath aint pretty....


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

...And they cant have them back, so YOU are going to pay for it...And they have these handy little weapons to use in the battle called the children.....resentment, punishment,revenge,hatred,poison,court filings, just a few things that come to mind ..If you dont care about your Ex husband anymore"

RIGHT ON THE MONEY DOTZ!!!


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

In my situation, I'm not sure what my DH's ex's problem is. She was also not married to my DH, she is still married to her first husband from 13 years ago (been separated for 12 years from him and goes by her maiden name again).

I have a few theories:

1. Perhaps she resents that things didn't work out so she doesn't want to see him happy if she's not happy with HER life. She's really nice if she thinks he's having hard times or if she thinks we are having problems in our relationship. She was elated when we broke up and got nastier with me when we got back together.

2. Perhaps she thought he would someday realize how much he cared about her and come groveling back to her. When they broke up, she wanted to stay friends. She still planned activities together, even though she had a boyfriend and if he had a girlfriend, she wanted to hang out like one big family. (Keep your friends close, enemies closer theory!)

3. Perhaps she just wanted to stay close enough so when things didn't work out with his girlfriends, he would eventually realize he needed her? She was offended that I didn't want to go watch fireworks with her in another county but would rather go with just me and DH in our town. The more serious we got, the more she had a problem with me. At one point, my husband told me he thinks she considers him her best friend and that I was a threat to her losing her best friend. He didn't believe she really wanted to get back together, but I wonder if it wasn't somewhere in her mind. Just after we married, she dumped her out of town boyfriend of five years. Then she spent a year, desperately seeking a new relationship and just around our first wedding anniversary, she packed up and moved away with her current BF. She's announced wedding plans with him a few times, she's called DH at work to ask what size dress SD wears and tells him she's getting married next month.. then no wedding. She's asked DH to video her wedding and asked SD to ask me to bake her cake, but still no wedding. She is still legally married so she can't get married to this guy but she seems to be desperately trying to get a reaction about her getting married. The truth is, we don't care. DH would love for her to get married and be happy so she will leave us alone. But, she seems to keep trying to see if DH will get jealous or react to what she's doing. Unless if affects SD, he doesn't really care. He is bothered that SD has been talking about mom's wedding for almost a year but he knows it's not going to take place, so it bothers him that BM is lying to SD and messing with her head... but he won't call BM on it, mainly because BM has been lying to SD for years and he doesn't want BM to think he cares about whether she is getting married or not. She isn't going to stop lying to SD, just because DH tells her it's harmful to SD. She's a pathological liar.

So, on some level, I wonder if she doesn't view me as an obstacle to him taking her back or that she just doesn't want to see him happy with someone else while she can't really find the happiness for herself. It was most peaceful just after she left to live with current BF. That was the roughest time in SD's life, but BM didn't call us or complain about me and so between me & BM, it was the most peaceful time. She was probably elated, in love with her newfound romance and as that wore off, she has resumed causing problems with me. I'm convinced that the more she causes problems with me, it indicates how her relationship with her BF is because happy people usually don't try to make other people miserable. At least that's my theory.

The most frustrating part in being a stepmom to her daughter is that she doesn't want to be a mom, yet she doesn't want me to be 'motherly' to her daughter either. She may feel threatened by my role in her daughter's life or that it makes her look bad as a mother, but that is very frustrating for me. The issues of her throwing fits because my DH won't be her best friend anymore when he put a stop to her calling him at work 10 times a day (like she did when we were dating) and he stopped running errands or doing favors that had nothing to do with their daughter... that doesn't bother me at all. We ignored her fits and she eventually stopped. She probably thinks I made him stop taking her calls (and yes, I did tell him it bothered me) but it was her constant complaints about me that made him realize she was jealous and without saying it, she was demanding he choose me or her. He chose me and that only made her more hostile toward me.

(and there's a small part inside me that wonders if she gave us custody of her daughter because she thought it would be a 'punishment' to me... stick me with the responsibility of the kid so I would resent it and maybe cause problems for us. The more I get along with her daughter, the more problem she has with me. When her daughter and I are not getting along, she tries to convince DH that I am the bad guy, picking on SD or being mean, etc. That would be the ultimate in bad parenting, treating your child as an actual 'weapon'.)

Thank goodness my DH sees what's going on and we communicate well. When I'm not getting along with SD, we discuss it and I tell him my frustrations and it's usually because BM is telling SD things that cause SD to ignore me or treat me bad. DH knows I love SD and want to do what's best for her and he is very supportive so any ploy she tries to come up with to get us to fight, never works. He sees the damage BM is doing to SD and he's told her but she tries to blame me. I will never understand how a parent can use their kids to try and get what they want. The damage done to these kids, stays with them for life and affects all their relationships they will ever have. I don't get how a parent can do that to kids they say they love.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Ima,
After reading what you've been through with your DH's ex, My question is why is she still legally married to her first husband after so many years? She can't let any of them go it seems.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

"My question is why is she still legally married to her first husband after so many years?"

The strongest theory I can surmise is that he was ordered to pay her alimony and child support. She gets about $1200 a month from him based on his income 12 years ago. I assume she wants that to continue so she leaves it alone. She may fear losing the alimony portion and even if the child support were to go up, it might still be less than she gets now. It's her only income and she hasn't worked a real job in her life.

Of course, I wonder why HE doesn't finish the divorce and cut off the spousal support. But then again, he is a biomedical engineer and I assume that his income has gone up significantly over the last dozen years. If he were to press the issue of dropping the spousal support/alimony, then his child support would go up anyways and he'd probably be paying the same... only it would not be tax deductible. The spousal support he pays is. He went back to his first wife and finished raising his older two kids with his ex-wife. They are both in college now so now that he doesn't even have to support his grown kids, the child support would be even higher?

That's the best I can come up with.... it fits for both sides and while I can't imagine staying legally married to someone for 10+ years after separating, it's not unheard of. I served a lady that hugged me because she had been waiting 20 years to get served with divorce papers. They wanted to wait until the kids were grown to divorce but they both were in other relationships, with kids even. It was weird... her SO at first introduced himself as her husband until I looked puzzled and said I was there to serve her with divorce papers.. then he said.. "well, I'm not her legal husband.. we've just been together for 15 years and have two kids." Weird!


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

"while I can't imagine staying legally married to someone for 10+ years after separating, it's not unheard of"

No, it's not. My best friend's parents are legally married, but have been separated and living in different states for 15 years!

The dad still sends his "wife" money every month but he lives with another woman and is very open about it. My friend's mom has had a lot of psychiatric issues and getting health insurance is impossible for her. Her "husband" stays married to her largely to keep her on his insurance provided through his employer.

They were grade school sweethearts and I do think they have a deep caring and respect, even love, for one another. But my friend's mom's psychiatric issues overtook the marriage and he eventually couldn't take living with her any longer. It's sad, really, because my friend's mom still has times where she quits taking her meds and winds up spending a week or two in the psych. ward at the hospital. She self-medicates with alcohol and marijuana to cope. She's not a bad person, by any means, but she is sick.

Anyway, she still lives in THEIR house, and he pays the mortgage and sends her money every month. She does have a part-time job but the majority of her income comes from her husband.

When my friend graduated with her master's degree last year, her dad came in town with his live-in girlfriend and they ALL (mom, dad, GF, etc) went out to dinner!


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

I don't always think they blame us. I think some are jealous of us. I think they are jealous of our reltionship with their kids. I think they are jealous that sometimes their ex does a lot better without them.

I know that my dh is much more successful now then he was when they were together. He has a much better job, makes way better money, gets way more days off, has a nice home, etc. I see the green in her face when she comes here.

Not to brag, but at times I think me and my dh together are what she always wished for herself. I graduated college and so did my dh....she chose to drop out because she did not like the work. We have a nice home together, she worked minimum wage jobs and they were not able to afford one then. Our home is clean-from what all my dh's relatives tell me she was a slob and their home was always a mess. I am a pretty good cook and from what I hear she could not follow a recipe to save her life.

So I think when she does come here she sees her ex husband and her children with this new woman and a great life. A life she does not fit in. And her life sucks. She has a piece of crap boyfriend, 3 kids with him, 3 kids here she barely sees, crappy jobs, has to live with relatives, and so on.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

I am an EW and I don't understand some of these EW's out there. My X did some "deal breaking" stuff. But I also know that I wasn't perfect and did have some part in things getting as bad as they were. I know that I'm the one who left and even though I feel justified, I carry a little bit of guilt for my son having to live with divorced parents. I did what I felt was best and that's the best I could do. I don't blame X's GF for anything involving the marriage, but she had a lot to do with events that happened after the divorce. Still, I don't talk bad about her and I don't treat her any different. I make sure she's included to the extent she wants to be and that's about it.

Dotz said "....but seems to me the most vicious BMs are the ones that threw the husbands out, cheated, drank, drugged, and THEN want them back..."

This would describe my SO's EW. She was the one who committed the "deal breaking" offenses yet she has blamed me for them not getting back together (I came along after she was already re-married) and all sorts of other things. She's made his life hell at times. I would think that someone as guilty as she is would be a little kinder to the man that she ripped apart if at least for their daughter's sake. Nope.....not this one. She believes she's always right even when she's so obviously lying. It's really no surprise that she feels that way because my SO never calls her on things.

I don't believe my SO is innocent. I experienced the kind of neglect and apathy that can cause the other person to detach. We broke up because of it 2 years ago. But the difference is that I didn't cheat, steal his kid, move in with another man, and then kick him out of his own house. I stayed in contact knowing that we had a seed of something great and it could blossom again. And it did. He knows he neglected her and put his work first. He knows he left her lonely a lot. But all that was needed was some work on both their parts to fix things. That was before the cheating happened. Guess she got the 5-year itch.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

"Why does the ex always want to blame her failed marriage on Us? Why is it that they don't see their part in the failing of their marriage?" Honey, who else can they blame? It's really themselves and their ex-husbands but who wants to think about that?

In my case, I met DH after he had been separated for two years. Part of that two years included a time when he and exW/BM lived like roommates in their house while they sold it so maybe that didn't count. Anyway, he was on his own and living alone for some time when I met him. Divorce had been filed but not finalized.

I found out a couple of years ago that the Ex/BM had told her relatives INCLUDING my skids that I had an affair with DH while they were still married! This absolute lie blew me away since before that I thought exW/BM and I had no axes to grind with each other. DH straightened them all out publicly at a family dinner and exw/BM was there.They probably thought he was just defending my honor but exw/BM didn't say anything.

It's just easier to blame "another woman" than yourself.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

IMA, I can sure see your BM sticking around and not divorcing for 1200 a month, but are you positive they are still married? I cant see Biomedical engineer wife and kids losing out on health insurance , pension,social security, what ever benefits they would get would be beyond his extra amount of child support , and they had 2 kids together, and your BM only had one? If I was bio engineers wife I would insist on him divorcing and remarriage...Maybe she s divorced and doesnt know it, he just keeps sending the check...


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

I think if SM is TOW, then it could be understandable that both she and DH are blamed. If a new wife wasn't TOW, then I have no clue why would people blame new wife of their X for everything (unless of course there is something to blame for). I do not know anyone in real life who blames a new wife (unless she is TOW).

But i also have to say that it goes both ways. At least on this forum SMs blame BMs for everything what is happening wiht the kids. let's say kids live with mom. They are screwed up because mom is raising them wrong. different situation: kids live with dad. Kids are still screwed up because they don't live with mom. etc. never dad's and Sms' fault, always mom's.

Now saying that, I agree that some exwives are probably jealous, maybe some wish they didn't get divorced or etc. But jealousy or insecurity go both ways. Sometimes it seems to me that some new wives are feeling a bit jealous or insecure in regards to their Dhs' exwives. It did come across on this forum.

i can think of another reason why some BMs might feel certain way-resentful maybe.

i do not remember who shared it here, but there was a post about a guy who used to drink heavily and treating his wife poorly and causing her all kind of misfortunes. marriage feel apart. he eventually recovered, went through all kind of therapy and became a better person. He eventually remarried and now treats his new wife and new kids nicely.

His exwife though only remembers drunken nights and emotional abuse, of her and her children. Now exwife feels resentful that she didn't get to enjoy good years. It is stupid to feel this way because she had no ways of knowing, but she is hurt. it is not new wife's fault. But it certainly helps if men make amends to exwives if they hurt them. Unless one made amends, I don't think he should move on on a new marriage and that's why some exwives might feel bitter. He never fixed what he broke (by maybe aplogizing at least), instead he moved on building somehting new.

But like i said it goes both ways. Some new wives are hurt that men aren't as involved during pregnancies wiht new wives as they did in the past marriages etc.

jealousy is forgivable. acting on it is not.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

According to the county court website's case index, the last action on their case was in 1997 when a wage assignment order was issued. There is no final decree in the case.

His first kids would not lose any benefits, they would still be eligible for health insurance, etc. but his ex wife? I don't know. If she had her own career, she may have had her own insurance. I don't know that many details and we don't even know if he knows his daughter is not with BM, but with grandma. I think it's weird but when she told DH she was marrying this current BF, she said she paid her attorney over $800 to finalize it... but unless she filed a new case (which has not been filed in any county that might have jurisdiction), the case from 1997 is still open and in limbo. Who knows why people do what they do? If I were the wife, I too would insist on, at the very least, he divorce her. The court would have to send notice to both parties and she had an attorney at the time of the divorce that is the one that her ex pays his support to and the attorney forwards it to BM... so I assume if he had it finalized without telling her, the court would have notified her attorney and she would have found out. I don't know? She's a pathological liar so I tend to believe public records over anything she says. While she has told DH she is divorced, the public record says she isn't and she has changed her wedding date three times... each time it approaches, she finds a reason to move it back another six months or year. Who knows what the truth is...


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

In my case the ex can't and doesn't blame me for the break up of the marriage. Her marriage to my DH ended years before I met him due to her cheating and the fact that she was a horrible mother. (My DH worked all day only to come home to find his nonemployed wife in computer chat rooms and the kids in the same diaper he'd put them in when he left. After changing them, and feeding them, he'd be off to his night job) So I don't have that to deal with. However, the ex does resent the fact that I am a better mother to her children than she is and ever has been. She resents my involvement in their lives and has a problem with my parenting style. Knowing of her parenting style, I can see where mine differs! So I don't know if this qualifies as "blame", but it sure does make her one nasty woman.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

I have to say that I am the BM and I have had a lot of issues with SM. SM was TOW and I deeply resented her for years and truthfully did not want to take any blame for my part in ex leaving me for SM. I refused to have anything to do with her for a long time. I did not bad mouth her to DS, I just refused to deal with anyone other than my ex and we fought like crazy for awhile. But then I decided that I was over it and decided that it would be best to just get along for DS sake because I had lived with fighting divorced parents and hated it. I think that my problem was a little jealousy because ex seemed to work harder at making SM happy than he had with me and seemed to give up on us so easily instead of working to make things better or at least talking to me about it instead of sneaking around with her and suddenly one day announcing he wanted a divorce. I think I knew things were not great but I did not realize that things on his part were that bad that he would not want to work at it and then I felt betrayed so I gave up also because I felt like I should not be with someone who did not want to be with me. I did not want to see someone else be able to make him happy when I could not.

However after we all began to get along I suddenly had to deal with SM repeatedly instead of ex and I usually would blame her for a lot of drama that seemed to always be going on. It is amazing that now that they have split up recently and I am dealing with my ex about DS on a regular basis that there is no drama. After DS decided to move in with ex last fall, DS was constantly creating drama about stuff that SM and/or ex were supposedly saying that I said and I decided then that I was not going to play the games anymore. I let DS know that I would not play the games and I told him to stay with ex for awhile and I would let him know when I had time for him. I think that it woke DS up to a lot of BS that was going on but I know that no matter how hard it was for me that it was the best move that I have made as far as my relationship with DS and ex goes now. Now that ex and SM have split up (again) I think that ex and DS are seeing a lot of the games that SM plays and has played with me for years. I am just staying out of it all and I have told DS to try to stay out of it because SM tends to use DS to try to find out what ex is up to. Luckily DS understands this because DS has gotten into trouble with ex over SM manipulating him previously.

Anyway, I think that many of you are in situations where the BM is loony and there truly are good BM out there who want to do right by their children and get along with ex. I did not realize until recently how nice it is that ex and I can now be parents to DS without SM in the middle controlling everything. It is truly nice to be able to co-parent with ex and do the best that we can together for DS without being together.

My BF ex is by all means a little on the selfish side but she and I have learned also to get along for the sake of their DD. Of course I back off and let those two handle everything. Even if we were married, I would not step in but let those two be parents of their daughter as they should be without me interfering. They have their moments where they get along and moments where they cannot say anything nice to each other at all but I let them handle it. I try to open BF eyes to both sides since I have the single mother side in my history also and I think that helps a little but she and I are nothing alike so that is diffcult when she makes decisions I do not understand at all. But I think that I try to just be a friend to their daughter and allow her time with BF when she is over and that is the best thing for all right now. I never want to fight with BM because there is no reason to--they have been divorced for years and I am not trying to replace her or even parent their daughter but truthfully just make her time with us enjoyable for all. I know that even if I do not agree to everyhing that BM does that all BF and I can do is just do our best with their daughter when she is with us and enjoy time spent with her.


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that's why!!!

almoststepmom:
"However after we all began to get along I suddenly had to deal with SM repeatedly instead of ex and I usually would blame her for a lot of drama that seemed to always be going on. It is amazing that now that they have split up recently and I am dealing with my ex about DS on a regular basis that there is no drama." "I did not realize until recently how nice it is that ex and I can now be parents to DS without SM in the middle controlling everything."

I think you answered the question why Bms blame Sms so often for unnecessary drama. dads often delegate their parental roles to SMs. so instead of parents (mom and dad) dealing wiht parenting issues, BMs deal with SMs. I of course am not talking about situations whne one parent is out of the picture. when parents plan on having children, they planned to do the parenting, and if they got divorced, they still are the ones to do the parenting-half time, part time, full time, it depends. But BMs (normal ones)didn't sign up for stepmoms to take dad's role. Mom didn't have a baby wiht SM, she had a baby wiht dad. So she expect him to play his role, not delegate it.

"Even if we were married, I would not step in but let those two be parents of their daughter as they should be without me interfering." excellent idea almoststepmom.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Finedreams,

I have to agee with you on this one! I am not only a SM. but I have to deal with DD's SM as well. DD's father it seems, has more or less delgated SM to do everything when it comes to my DD. Support checks are delivered by her, DD is picked up by her on visitation weekends, arrangements are made through her, etc. But what burns me up the most is the fact that when there is a problem, SM is the one to address it...usually via email. This has caused major problems as recently as this week as a matter of fact. I feel that I should be dealing with DD's father, not SM. I try my best to treat them as a family unit, and there are times that I do not mind "going through her". However, it's when it begins to have the appearance of BM running the show that I have issues. There have been times that SM tries to tell me how it will be, and I have to put her in her place so to say. Major problems usually arrive from that and have so over the past week. I have tried to do my best not to be a real b***h, but this past incident has pushed me to the brink. I have decided that things need to revert back to communication being between my ex and me, and not to involve SM. As I said, I've tried to be "nice" about it, but enough is enough.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

I tend to think that a lot of situations on this board are not the norm for stepfamilies. There are a lot of custodial SM's and absent BM's in pretty much every regular posters situation. In these situations, I think the BM's are looney for the most part and probably don't live in reality.

However, in more normal stepfamily situations I think the problems between BM's and SM's are usually the Dads fault. LOL..just like Finedreams described. Even sometimes here, a lot of the problems being posted about BM's/Stepkids is really the husbands fault. I mean, how many times have we seen the title "stepkids ruining my marriage" and with more info it is the Dads fault.

It seems like Dad gets out of a lot in stepfamily situations while BM's and SM's fight and have issues with each other.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

In my case, my ex husbands wife was a child when him and I were ruining our marriage. I blame her for nothing. I get upset when she oversteps her boundaries as a SM, but really 98% of the time she's like celery to me. Nothing stands out about celery, it's just there.

My DH's ex wife blames me for the demise of their marriage. I think because it's easier than accepting responsibility for her own role in that. I have heard from people that she has painted a piture like we were BFF's and I stole her husband. That couldn't have been further from the truth, but it helped me guage the distortion of her perception. It was easier for her to create some story and have someone else to blame than to own her faults. Personality trait or disorder?


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

"But BMs (normal ones)didn't sign up for stepmoms to take dad's role. Mom didn't have a baby wiht SM, she had a baby wiht dad. So she expect him to play his role, not delegate it."

I definitely agree with this, and it's succinctly put. But at the same time, when this is the case and the SM is actually putting effort into the raising of the kids, it's easier for me to see both sides and have respect for the SM's because of how hard they're trying. Of course it also must feel awful to be the BM in that case and feel like someone else is raising your child. In many cases, though, when SM is custodial and BM is not, there's a good reason it's been decided that BM won't have custody. So that's why I also agree with Nivea's point that this precise situation is probably less typical than average.

The worst case scenario is when you have an SM who wants to "run the show", and who makes everyone "go thru her", etc., but who has never taken one lick of responsibility for doing any actual work or making any contribution to the kids' raising. This is what I and some other adult SK's on this board have gone through, and it stinks. At least the type of controlling SM who takes responsibility most probably (hopefully) at least cares about the kids in question and more than likely will have some positive effect on their lives.


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RE: main distinction

"I mean there is a difference between a sw (step wife) and a sm (step mom)"

Just read this distinction made by Mom of 4 on another thread, and I think that captures the differences perfectly. I think we should try to adopt this terminology more in future posts, because it really does clarify things.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

My DD's new SM won me over by asking me what I think her role should be (DD is grown) and what could she do to make DD feel at home when she with dad. She admitted that she knows how difficult it could be for children of any age since she is also a child of divorce and she wanted to know what i think. I was a bit sturtled when she asked my opinion but it meant something, but then of course I am much older and probaly know a bit more hahaha she also asked my opinion on some parents-in-law issue and child rearing issue (they just had a baby). My XMIL is great but she extremelly nosy. SM wasn't sure what is the best way to deal wiht it, she knows I get along with XMIl and she wanted to know what could she do to get to the same point.

In any case SMs are the ones who enter stepfamily, they make a choice. BMs do not make that choice, they do not choose who their Xs marry. So I think it makes sense for SMs to enter the picture nicely wiht less drama (unless of course Bms are not in the picture, and yes being NCP does not mean abandonement just means you don't have kids full time).

i think sometimes Sms start on a wrong foot wiht both kids and BMs and then are surprised Bms blame them for drama.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

serenity, what is a step-wife?


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

The term is actually Wife in Law. Step wife is just an updated variation of the same relationship.

"A wife in law, n (colloq.) a woman connected to another woman by marriage to the same man (at different times).
Generally, an unchosen, unnatural, intrusive connection."

Ann Cryster


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

colleen, thanks. I hope to never be called that as it implies a relationship that is not there and also seems to demean the current wife's position. No thanks, she's the first wife, I'm the second wife. That's all. It's only on this forum that I refer to her as anything else e.g. BM


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And truth be known?

If anyone should be referred to as a step wife, it should be the first one.

These women are so insecure in their own personal value and accomplishments that they have to focus on their ex husbands and make his life miserable by slinking down and saying these are my kids.

Excuse me? Why are they anymore your kids than his? It is the most ridiculous and evil double bind you will ever find. Even though they chucked the guy out, doesn't stop these jealous women. I sincerely hope that men step up and say I have enough of this abuse.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

I think mom2emall hit the nail on the head in my case. It's so much blame as it is resentment and jealousy. Our situation (me and DH) is was she wanted for herself but it didn't work. It works very well with DH and I. Thus, I must be to blame for her situation not working - it couldn't have been she and/or DH?!?!
Totally illogical, but I've never found that jealousy and logic go hand in hand.


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But is it really about competition?

Raising children isn't supposed to be about who is the better woman is it?

I read something today that changed my thinking somewhat, which is that when the new marriage is a success, the children become very unhappy because they think that if dad's marriage to HER is working, then if someone (MOM)? would have tried harder SHE could also have made it work.

We need to explain to our children, it is not about who is the winner, the loser, who is the better, the worse, it has nothing to do with any of that crap. It only has to do with that we ALL love you, and we apologize for our human frailties but we are only human.

Your mom is a good woman, but I am too, dammit! And, of course your mother thinks she feels worse than I do, she feels that she failed. And, she is going to make damned sure I feel unwanted and unnecessary. Moreover, your father doesn't want to feel like he failed either and the ferris wheel goes round and round.

Why does it have to be like that?


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Why is it OK to blame moms in general?

" Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything"

No some, no my DHs X?

I dont blames my Xs SO for everything, but that doesnt mean she is anything other than Dads SO (or if she were wife, Dads wife).


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

-"step-wife", to answer the question, I'd define as the SM who doesn't want any part of doing any "mom"-like responsibilities but is only really interested in her place in DH's life as his *wife* (aka she "disengages"); hence the adjustment to make the term more accurate to what that type of SM actually wants. It wouldn't be the kids or the BM or even the DH who bestows the title "step-wife"; if anyone, it's the disengaging SM herself, due to her own choices. If she chooses to not do the "mom" thing, then why would (or should) she insist on the "mom" suffix? Why would it be offensive to this sort of woman if the "mom" suffix were removed? I can see where the term "step-wife" could sound like a sub-par position, but that's not my intent in making the distinction. It's no different than the term "second wife", which is a term of fact, but some women are offended by that too. Maybe there just needs to be a totally new word that doesn't include either "step" or "mom"...

-"when the new marriage is a success, the children become very unhappy because they think that if dad's marriage to HER is working, then if someone (MOM)? would have tried harder SHE could also have made it work. We need to explain to our children, it is not about who is the winner, the loser, who is the better, the worse, it has nothing to do with any of that crap."

I realize what you're *trying* to convey here ---that it shouldn't be a competition--- but speaking as a stepchild, I think that's a reach to presume that the kids will automatically blame mom in that situation. And your comment shoots itself in the foot by implying that SM has some kind of independent magical power to "make it work" with the DH and that this power makes her superior to BM. So it's your presumption that establishes a sense of competetion where there might not be one at all.

Who knows why things "work" with one partner and not another? There are a jillion reasons and most of them don't indicate any personal failings on anyone's part. But let's suppose it always has to mean that someone was at fault, or lacking in the necessary ability to be the instrumental cause of relationship happiness. Why is it always on the woman, one way or the other? What if DH is immature or desperate or an a**hole or otherwise no grand prize himself? Perhaps DH is simply too old, tired, fat, bald, saddled with kids and/or in debt to be all that choosy anymore, or DH & BM grew in two different directions after many years together, or DH started to get intimidated/jealous when BM got a high-power job or lost 50 pounds, or after his divorce DH is otherwise ready to "settle down" and at this point any woman will do. Maybe his biological clock is ticking and he's suddenly terrified to die alone or terrified to not have someone to cook his dinner. Maybe his first playground love had two different-colored eyes and when he meets a woman with two different-colored eyes after his divorce it awakens his long-lost yearnings and he decides it must be fate and decides to marry her and "make it work" nomatter what because he feels just so gosh darn lucky. Could be any of those reasons as much as any other reason under the sun.

I don't mean to sound nasty with any of MY insinuations here, but it's only in response to the nasty-sounding implications that if DH and BM are divorced and he is happy in a subsequent relationship, it must be because ***BM*** lacked something necessary to "make it work" and that it couldn't possibly be due to the biological clock, or *DH*'s inferior or declining attractiveness, personal qualities and/or standards, or just different personalities or goals, or simply nobody's failing whatsoever.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

-"when the new marriage is a success, the children become very unhappy because they think that if dad's marriage to HER is working, then if someone (MOM)? would have tried harder SHE could also have made it work."

Who said that? This just makes no sense. Who do you quote serenity? Whose children become unhappy? Thus si the weirdest stuff I have heard for a long time.

But if that's the case....Just to give it a little spin that sometimes second marriage is a success because 2nd wife is willing to put up with stuff that 1st refused. maybe neglect, maybe abuse it depends.

But even if that's the case who are these unhappy children and what defines success in marriage? what is success for one couple might be a disaster for other.

I knew a woman who was happy when her DH had a mistress, it meant he bugged her less. and she was misrable when he was not sleeping around because he was on her case all the time. What's good for one person is unacceptable for others. Who defines sucess?


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RE: catch-22

FD- That quote was from Colleen 777. I know she was trying to state that kids shouldn't feel that way, but my point is that they probably don't anyway. Therefore to presume they would is being guilty of the very thing (setting up a competetion) that the statement is trying to discourage. It may be that Colleen is 100% well-intentioned when she says this but simply doesn't consciously realize the bias inherent in the assumption. It's like when one person feels pity for someone of a different religion, body type or whatever... which presumes there is something inferior about that religion, body type or whatever even if the person feeling pity genuinely wants to be kind. No need to feel pity or work to erase competitive feelings where no automatic superior/inferior relationship actually exists.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

"-"when the new marriage is a success, the children become very unhappy because they think that if dad's marriage to HER is working, then if someone (MOM)? would have tried harder SHE could also have made it work. We need to explain to our children, it is not about who is the winner, the loser, who is the better, the worse, it has nothing to do with any of that crap."

I realize what you're *trying* to convey here ---that it shouldn't be a competition--- but speaking as a stepchild, I think that's a reach to presume that the kids will automatically blame mom in that situation. And your comment shoots itself in the foot by implying that SM has some kind of independent magical power to "make it work" with the DH and that this power makes her superior to BM. So it's your presumption that establishes a sense of competetion where there might not be one at all. "

Serenity, I understand what you are saying and I am also a child of divorce. When my dad married my stepmom, there was a sense of why is dad happy with HER but not mom. Of course, it didn't help that mom was wallowing in misery with alcohol because things didn't work out (along with many other disappointments in her life) and in that situation, it DID make me see lots of reasons why mom failed and SM 'succeeded', even if it was only my perception. If my mom hadn't confided in me or if she had not openly showed her disdain or hostility for my stepmom.. if she had been mature and dealt with the divorce in a grown up way and not subjected her kids to dealing with it 'with her', then it may have been different.

My point is that not all stepkids feel as I did, because not all mom's do what my mom did. I don't agree with generalizations because there are many BM's on this forum that went through divorces and have remarried and are now stepmom that did not pine for their ex or share their feelings with the kids so the kids had to feel one way or the other. Every situation is different but the stories that are usually heard (especially on this forum), are usually of the ex's that DO put their kids in a position to feel that way. I agree it's unfair to say all BM's do that because they don't. But, just like everything else, if you were to go to a forum for stepchildren only, you'd probably hear mostly about 'evil stepparents' because happy people don't usually go to forums and talk about how great their stepparent is, they are probably too busy just being happy.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

I see serenity..I have never met or heard of any children unhappy if parents are happy, unless of course parents are happy while mistreating children/stepchildren at the same time. sometimes i read here about situations that sound to me like people live on Mars. A lot of starnge assumptions maybe deriving from some rather unusual circusmstances.

Coleen is probably well intentioned but whatever she says sounds like just some assumption. And pretty much very bias.

Exactly..Like some people here (don't remember, but there were a few) said that because they make more money or have a nicer house and have more education BM is probably jealous and envious. it is like assuming that everyone who makes less money should be envious of others! Why assuming?

And it sounds like pretty large ego to assume that other people envy them or jealous of their happiness ot possessions. Sounds like insecurity...

Why not assuming that other people (and BMs as well) don't care enough to envy somebody else's lives, and kids are busy wiht their own lives and don't spend days agonizing about their dads and SMs.

I think that people, who proclaim that others are jealous or envious of them, are insecure and secretly envy others.


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more

I think stastically (remember reading somewhere) most divorces are initiated by women. So kids would not wonder why dad is not happy wiht mom...

My DD would never think why dad is happy wiht someone else NOT her mom. lol My X is a pain in you know what as a a partner (Ok as a father most of the time) and she would know exactly why dad is happy wiht the other woman, not mom. I ran from X so fast that I didn't look back, and knowing my personality I can tolerate X only in small portions once in a while. DD knows exactly why mom is not with dad. hahah She knows her dad.

And i assume majority of children would not come up wiht some blame story, they know their parents.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

"If she chooses to not do the "mom" thing, then why would (or should) she insist on the "mom" suffix? Why would it be offensive to this sort of woman if the "mom" suffix were removed?"

"This sort of woman?" Serenity, this along with the rest of your post on the step-wife moniker really sets my teeth grating. Your whole position on this is offensive because it seeks to diminish the current wife. Step-Wife sounds like a less than wife. Who insists on being called Step-Mother? Step-Mother has so many negative connotations e.g. Evil Step-Mother, Step-Monster, that I have never heard of anyone voluntarily taking on the label even if they willingly take the job.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Wrong, wrong and wrong. I meant no such thing. What I was "trying" to say is that if women supported each other more and worked together with each other rather than assign biomom, stepmom, stepwife, wife in law, as a drunk, etc. etc. Who are we to judge them?

It had just never occured to me before that adult stepchildren MIGHT think that if the second marriage is a success that they might blame mom for the failure of the first one. Just a new thought. Because IF mom tried harder she could have made the marriage work. Divorce is very difficult on children of all ages and they want to understand what happened.

Do I think it is only because of mom? Not on your life.

And for the record you are not a second wife, step wife, or whatever other "title" anyone wants to put to you so that it makes sense in their world. You are the one and only wife.

What is strangely missing is the "step husband".


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

I agree that the issue of names/terms for it makes it extra contentious. Some people get offended at the term "stepmother" because of old stories abouth the "evil stepmother", so they don't want to use that term. Some people get offended if you DON'T use the word "stepmother" (and use something else like "Dad's wife", which also offends some people). Some people simply don't like the word "stepmother" because it makes them feel older and they want to feel younger (or, in some cases, they ARE younger...). I can see where there can be an unpleasant note to all of the above terms.

I guess the best alternative is to simply come up with a new word. Just hard when you're trying to convey a specific role to others using specific terms, without having to re-explain the whole situation every time.

But I think the relationships are generally very different when it is a much more active, maternal "stepmom" role than when the SM really only wants to fill the role of "DH's wife". There can definitely be more issues in both cases, just different issues. It doesn't seem unreasonable to want to have different words/titles to denote the actual nature of the relationship in question.

(All these terms can be interchangeable to discuss stepfathers, too... we just don't tend to discuss stepfathers on here much b/c it seems like unless they're hitting or molesting the kids, there's not usually too much of a problem with SF's. Odd, I know, but that seems to be the way it goes...)


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HI serenity

And, that is all I ever expected from my husband's children. What am I? They will refer to me as HER, my father's wife, my stepmom, my name whichever suits the situation as they see it for their benefit.

All I have to say to them is this. you can't pick and choose based on whatever situation we are in what you are going to refer to me as. So pick one and stick with it!

I have told you what I want, which is my name. I am NOT your mom, and if you choose to deny in most situations that I even as lowly as your stepmom, well that is fine with me too, but don't you dare drag out that title when it suits you.

And, if you continue to make it a losing game for me, I won't invite you into my life anymore.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

I dont like the term step-wife either. I want no relationgship with Dads SO. Stepmother describes a relationship. If you feel the term is negative, dont marry a man with children. Do I think it makes a woman a mother? No, no more than a godmother, grandmother etc.

My sister is a stepmother. Never once has she tried to step on anyones toes. No turf battles, etc. She has a good relationship with all. She celebrates holidays with her stepson, etc. and never once have I heard her refer to her SSs mom as biomon. Her SSs mom is SSs mom.


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Hello KKNY

So, the fact of your sister is not stepping on peoples toes? Is that because she is so much smarter than the rest of us?

And HI by the way!


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

For my part, BM, bio mom is a term I picked up on this board. I've used it as part of the vernacular here. In real life I call DH's Ex either by her first name, or the skids mother.

"If you feel the term is negative, dont marry a man with children. " Eeek. What I meant was I don't think anyone says "please call me step-mother or I'm their step-mother." I see it as a description that's all. My skids refer to me by my name or as DH's wife. Both are fine. DH's wife doesn't always sound warm or fuzzy but it's accurate so I'm ok with it.

Not sure what all this has to do with exes blaming wives for problems or vice versa.


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I personally dont give a crap

But when you "adults" come into my home there isn't a chance on this earth that you are going to decide for ME what goes on in MY home.

If YOU think it is appropriate to install on MY computer a keylogger, password snatcher to track every conversation I have with anyone, you are sorely mistlaken.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Titles don't really concern me. Call me step mom, step wife, whatever...just don't call me late for dinner. (Oh wait, that's not possible since I fix it.)

I am only slightly offended by one term. When everyone asks about my stepchildren's "real mom." As if I am not "real." But I get over that pretty quick. It is not intentional, I'm sure.

BM in my case doesn't blame me for everything that happened in her marriage with my DH. BM cheated on DH a dozen times, she initiated the divorce while they were still living together as a family and left him staying with the kids while he went out on dates with new guys (just before DH finally was able to get his own place.) I can't even imagine what that did to my DH...That's pretty low. BM and DH had been divorced for 2 years before I even came into the picture and she had already been living with someone since DH left the house.

I do know that BM is VERY jealous over MY relationship with the kids. She LOVES to hear bad things about our house and unfortunately my SD knows it and uses that to her advantage. SD will make comments to BM about how I wouldn't buy her something she wanted so BM will buy it. Also when I buy the kids things like clothes or shoes, BM will immediately buy them a better style or brand.

BM has tried to talk crap about DH in the past. She told me that I needed to know that he had a very cold and dark side (I already knew that)...She congratulated me on him having worked the same job for 3 years because "that's the longest he has held a job since she had known him" (Not true) and she said she could tell me a lot more bad things about him. I told her I didn't need to hear it and then said "I would appreciate it if you would stop talking badly about my husband." I then told her that I loved him the same despite his flaws or mistakes he has made in his past. She was speechless.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Colleen, Curious, What was your DHs reaction to his children adding keylogger and password snatcher? Did you confront them? And what was then the reaction from them?


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

I agree with Nivea that the huge majority of the regular stepmom posters here have nut job Bio's and that put's a little bit of different spin on our situation. Those of us that deal with the mental case addicts are custodial step parents of the poor kids who have ultimately been ditched by mom. We are a different breed.

I will also say in our case when the girls get older they will probably blame their mother for all their pain....and they damn should! Their mother ran their father off by repeatedly physically attacking and cheating on him. Then ultimately dumped the poor babies off on us at a moments notice. Then to add insult to injury she moved hours and hours away to be with a man who beats the crap out of her!

I can say I am a much better wife than she ever was. I can say it because it is the God's honest (and obvious) truth. I am also a better flipping mother as I would never hurt any of our girls bio or step the way she has hurt her two. She has hurt them so unforgivably. So if the girls put two and two together as they mature and realize "Hey. Doodle and Daddy never fight." or "Hey. Doodle never gets drunk or high and passes out on the couch." or "Hey. Why couldn't MOM stay sober and get along with Daddy?" Well I am sorry but I think they have a right to know the answers to those questions and their MOTHER should be the one who has to answer them!


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

If my DS or my SO's DD ever asks why our relationship worked and the relationships with their respective bio-parents failed, I'm going to tell them "We learned from our mistakes and we are determined to not make the same mistakes again. We can't fix the past, but we can learn from the past so that the future is better". And that's the God's honest truth.

Before my divorce, I didn't care to pick up a book on marriage. I thought I was always right and nothing I learned would change him. HE was the one that put the nails in the coffin of our marriage with his violence and cheating. But I was not perfect. I could've tried harder to be the best wife I could be, but I thought I was already perfect.

Since the divorce, I have started searching for advice on how to make things work. I have taken a more proactive approach to my relationship with SO. I've learned to apologize more and pick my battles better. I have learned that a heart-to-heart connection is what is really important and that means that my heart needs to be softer to him and not so stubborn. I'm not gonna be the perfect wife, but I will guarantee you I will do whatever it takes to be the perfect wife for him, when the time comes.

And hopefully our kids will see these things and how dedicated we are to working things out (without fists or leaving) and they will KNOW how much we love them, as well. I believe it to be true that children feel loved when we honor our spouses and marriages. Regardless of if it's the first marriage or the 3rd.

Honestly, do you think the kid whose BM bashes the SM that the kid actually likes feels loved by their mom? Do you think the kid whose father lets the mother run all over him and run his home feels loved by their father? I would say "no" to both of those. Kids feel loved when the BM keeps her thoughts to herself and allows the kids to build a relationship with someone they are constantly around. And the kids feel loved when their father stands up for them. Those are just 2 examples of instances. I'm certainly not generalizing. Do you not agree?


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Ashley, I do have to disagree..I DO believe the kid whose mom bashes me does feel loved and loves his mother...Have been seeing this for seven years now, sigh....


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

dotz, I agree with Ashley in that when the parents are not doing the right thing... and the kid knows it, the children will grow up and may eventually resent or even hate the parent that does the wrong thing. I don't think the kid 'feels' loved. Yes, they love their parents and yes, they WANT to feel loved, but I guarantee you that when the kid hears a mom criticizing someone they like or love, it gives them an uneasy bad feeling. When they see dad being pushed around for mom and not standing up for them, they don't feel good about that. They may even lose respect for him.

What kids want and what they get are not always the same thing. When I see how much my SD 'loves' her mom, I know she doesn't feel loved or secure.. but she will defend her mom to death, regardless of how she feels about me.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Well I guess I have to agree that it has to be a case by case basis..We cant say every kid is going to take the bashing of the SM they like and not react to it negatively...I feel like I was really making headway with this kid, I mean I wasnt pushy, but he was starting to like me and confide in me and then BM must have gotten wind of his feelings and was so relentless in you CANNOT like her, (I think someone here calls it loyalty bind)it fell apart..I have not spoken to this kid in almost 2 years...Anyway, he s all grown up now, you cant make some one like you or love you, I just feel for DH, he wont speak to him either...We took , as my DH calls it The High Road, and HE pays for(not too much me)and him and mom are living happily ever after with DH erased from his life.....


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

dotz, I'm sorry for yours and your husband's situation. The sad part of all, is if your SS has children, he is teaching them through his example, how they should someday treat him.

My mom made it clear she didn't like my stepmom and didn't want us to like her either. There are four of us in our family and while my two sisters rallied with my mom and didn't like my stepmom, I came to resent my mom for wanting me to choose and for saying nasty things about someone I liked. (My brother liked and got along with my stepmom but I don't remember my mom saying anything to him. He was out of the house when my dad remarried) I could see my stepmom did nothing to anyone to cause them to dislike her, they did it just because my mom would crack jokes or dig for info and then say nasty things about it. I can't say how my sisters felt, but it made me uncomfortable and I was a teenager. I can only imagine how torn some young kids feel. I'm sure some are not torn, they will do whatever it takes to please their parent. It is on a case by case basis because each child is going to have a different personality and have their own feelings about it, regardless of what the parent says or does. It's my belief that even the kids that rally with the parent, may someday come to realize what their parent did was wrong, probably after they become parents and/or stepparents themselves and experience the difficulty in raising (someone else's) child and possibly dealing with the bio parent of their stepchild. They may also resent the parent that causes friction in their relationship with the other parent. When I read of an estrangement, I often wonder if that might have something to do with it. But, since history is often rewritten, who knows? I'm sure there are plenty of other reasons too.

My point is, it's terrible how what someone (either parent) does to a young child, may follow that child into adulthood and even old age... and also impact generations to come.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Ima, What you describe in your family is exactly what I suspect happened here..The older child was Ex s confidant, and even she knew it was inappropriate to give younger SS the bashing...So, younger one is uncomfortable, now that he s getting older with the things being said because she thinks he s now old enough to hear it.He s had nothing but a good relationship with me for 7 years..But I still see his loyalty to her, like on the phone, in my hearing range, NO the first one, no the second one, as he s getting grilled..He doesnt want to hurt me, but this stuff is getting so old...Yeah, I do think the older will come back after he has a baby(he ll want DH to share the joy)but these waiting years are difficult to cope with....


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

I'm so sorry Dotz! That really sucks (for lack of a better term)!

My situation with with my SO's DD is so similar. We had it really great until after SO and I broke up and got back together about 1-1/2 years ago. We got a whole lot more serious about getting married and then all-of-the-sudden BM just flipped. She started not wanting me to spend any time alone with her DD. Even to the detriment of SO.

Most of my posts about her come from the beginning of this in like August 07 to the present. From August 02 to August 07, even the few times we were all together while SO and I were officially broken up, things were great between SO's DD and I. BM had even told SO that she hoped we got back together because she knew I loved their DD and she's never had any problems with me. So weird.

All I can think of is that she was jealous that her daughter was excited that her dad was FINALLY moving towards making things official with me. So then they moved away and have all but severed any bond she and I had. There will be no chance for me to ever get that bond back.

I think there is a huge difference between feeling loyal to someone and feeling loved by them. It's kind of like Stockholm Syndrome. SO's DD would be so down-in-the-dumps when BM would force us to change plans or interrupt whatever was going on. She felt like her feelings for me didn't matter and all that mattered was her mother's feelings for me. That's not feeling loved; that's feeling loyal.

It hurts me. And I told SO that this is a big deal to me because I never did anything but love that girl and help in any way I could. Most of my anger comes from my hurt. I can't help it. I try to get over it and then it gets thrown in my face again.

That's exactly why I don't say a single bad word about my X or his GF. I want DS to know that his feelings matter to me and I want him to be happy wherever he is, even if it isn't with me.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Ashley, Maybe she will come back, are you so sure the bond is broken forever?.....You said most of my anger comes from my hurt..I think ALL my anger comes from my hurt...I have to bite my tongue bloody not to think of ten adjectives I d like to call the BM, but fortunately I have never mentioned her to them at any time in a negative light..You may be onto something with this loyalty, not love...I guess I just have to try to stay positive and hope they start seeing the truth about DH and me.....


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Dotz - that's what I hope. I hope that one day she will see how much I tried and how her mom was always there to sabotage. I would never want her to think bad of her mom, but I want her to see HER reality; not BM's reality.

I don't know if my bond is forever broken. Sometimes I feel like it is and sometimes I feel like there is something still there.

Like she told me the night she came in last, that her toes were a mess and she really needed a pedicure. As I've posted before, pedicures have become a sticky subject for us. So I privately asked SO what he thought about me taking her to get us pedicures the next day. He said she would probably love it and he thought that she was giving me the go-ahead to take her by saying what she did. So that next morning I told her we would go. She was excited and all. But after her mom called, she said "well, maybe they only need to be painted". WTH? She ended up getting the whole pedicure. But what was BM telling her? Who knows!

I think staying positive is really the best we can do. I still send her little texts every once in a while when I hear some good news. Or little e-mails here and there. Just to keep up the contact. But she doesn't text back or e-mail back anymore.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

could it be BM said she is too young for pedicures? DD wanted to die her hair way too young, I said wait a bit longer, DD has thin and not very good hair. I didn't want her to damage it, so she ended up going for highlights wiht grandma. I did like it at the end but still they went without my permission. Now if DD would call and say mom i am going to die my hair I would say no. So maybe BM said no because she thinks pedicure is unnecessary or too early or maybe she already planned to do with wiht SD?

I don't understand..If she still visits and comes to stay at your house, why doesn't she reply to emails? Does she talk to you when she visits.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

"could it be BM said she is too young for pedicures? DD wanted to die her hair way too young, I said wait a bit longer"

Hahaha...knowing firsthand how these types of BMs operate (and yes, I realize there are PLENTY of BMs that ARE rational people!) I would say there is no way it had ANYTHING to do with BM feeling her DD was "too young" for a pedicure. Gimme a break! This is about control, nothing more and nothing less.


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FD's Questions

"could it be BM said she is too young for pedicures?"

I wish! At least THAT would be explainable! See, at the end of the summer of 2007, SO took his DD and I to get pedicures while he took DS to get a haircut. She had had pedicures before, with BM and SF (yes, SF gets pedis too!) and even told me all about the callous treatment SF had there. We had a great time laughing and talking. So a couple months later, I had made plans to get pedicures done together. She said that she couldn't go because her mom had asked her the day before and she told her not that day but maybe another day and felt like it was unfair to tell her mom no and me yes. GREAT! I was TOTALLY fine with that. As a matter of fact, I congratulated and thanked her for being honest with me. Well, as it turns out, BM went ahead and got her pedicure without her DD. So that's how it started. Since then there's been 3 other instances where pedicures have become a problem.

"I don't understand..If she still visits and comes to stay at your house, why doesn't she reply to emails? Does she talk to you when she visits."

I wish I knew the answer to that. All I can think of is out of sight, out of mind. We are usually fine when she comes to visit. She even e-mails me while she's here! I ALWAYS send her a text telling her what a great time we had with her and how we love her just about the time she's supposed to land. But it seems like once she's there, she's not allowed to speak to me or something. I don't know....

Love - YES! It's all about control. It's all about what is in BM's best interest. If me paying for the pedi suits her, she's all for it. But if her DD not spending time with me is more important, she'll sabotage it.

I WISH I knew what to do so I could let this girl know that I would do anything for her. Every time I get close, mom gets in the way.


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

what's up with that pedicure business? she goes wiht SF but cannot go with you? kind of crazy. why BM has a problem around pedicure? what about manicure? or haircuts? is it only feet? Maybe BM has some foot fetish. lol

I am glad there is no pedicure issue in my family. Neither i nor DD do pedicures. I mean we take care of our feet but we do it ourselves. I know it is not the same but I think I do OK job, my feet look OK. And DD does not like her nails painted.

Overall I have to drag DD to do anything wit her looks. She dyes her own hair now and does decent job but other than that nothing. Her GF trims her hair. I drag her to wax her eye brows once a year. I tried to convince her to go to a hairdresser in Christams break. I would of course pay. She said it is stupid to spend money on haircuts. Yeah... so if SM can convince her to go to a hairsalon, I am all for it. hahaha


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RE: Why do ex wives blame the new wife or SM for everything?

Momof5angels said: "Titles don't really concern me. Call me step mom, step wife, whatever...just don't call me late for dinner. (Oh wait, that's not possible since I fix it.)"

Bahahaha! LOL!
Gee, thanks, now all the strangers around me think I'm bonkers (I'm currently sitting in an airport waiting area)

Anyhow, back to the original topic.

IMO, BM doesn't hold anything against me for a relationship with my SS. She and I have discussed this and she says she tries to put any personal jealousy aside because it is best for SS. I think that's pretty incredible! Good for her!
But I think she does hold it against me that I hold her to parenting standards that DH never did, and this creates more parenting "work" for her. For instance, I expect that she dresses her 9yo son appropriately for the weather before sending him outdoors, which means she has to go to the trouble of finding mittens for him.

But as previous posters have said, it goes both ways.
I frequently struggle with being resentful of how many thing about her actions and personality make my life much more complicated. For example, I am frustrated and resentful when she doesn't bother to refill SS's prescriptions BEFORE we pick him up, although we have asked her to days in advance. So we have to drive back across town later that day to get meds from her mother because BM called her mom to do it after we said we needed them. (We don't have pickup authority at the pharmacy or we would do it ourselves)


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