"beware of the teenaged girl" truer words were never spoken! When my own beautiful daughter turned 14 my life became very, very difficult. There was no BM to turn to (I am BM) so she turned to B-grandma! (my mom!). She told my mom all kinds of half truths or flat out lies. She wrapped my mom around her little finger because my mom was alone and lonely and my daughter was at this point a totally self centered teen. I went to family counseling to try to understand what was happening to my family. It helped me understand alot. It helped me understand why my daughter was doing what she was doing and why my mom was doing what she was doing. It also helped me keep my sanity. Some kids lie as a way of manipulating there situation. If this is happening to you I would suggest that you seek counseling, keep your actions pure and always have witnesses. Sometimes kids don't understand the consequences to lies. Good luck.

That is so sad that bm is trying to alienate her children from your husband. Just so you know court orders can be enforced. DH already sounds like he lost one child due to bm's uncooperativeness with visitation, do not make the same mistake twice!

He needs to enforce his visitation, if necessary call the police when bm refuses to let the kids go on a court ordered visitation day. Even if the police do not force her to release the children to your hubby (some states they do-some they don't) you can have it on record. If you do go back to court judges look unfavorably on parents who stand in the way of visitation.

Once sd sees that she HAS to go to her dads maybe she will stop fighting it. Perhaps this attitude towards you and coming to see you guys is encouraged and almost forced by her mother. All you can do is put on your best smiley face and try to not sweat the small stuff. When she is being nice then be extra nice back.

At that age what helped me going back and forth between my parents homes was friends. My dad allowed me to bring friends with over there and would allow us to go to the mall or movies or whatever. It made it more fun for me and I wanted to go there. Maybe this would help? Plan some fun things to do with all the kids when they come to your house. It can be as simple as taking them to the video store to rent some new movies and staying up really late with them all enjoying movies and popcorn. What kid does not enjoy staying up really late on a weekend? LOL

DD always wanted to see her dad (NCP), at any age, as a child, as a teenager, and now as an adult, but then again neither I nor he made it difficult for her. It is a shame BM does that but dad has to be very pushy and make sure he renforces the law. As about teenage girls, DD was awful at 14, I used to cry my eyes out. She drove me nuts. It is typical i guess.

When DH's older daughter pulled away, with help from her mom, DH was told that he could force her to come. He could call the police and have them come and make sure she goes.

We could do this now, but what would life be like for us if we have an angry teenager imprisoned in our house? I already think she steals and is dishonest, what else would she do? Our trust for her is gone. She would have to earn it back and she isn't the least bit interested in that.

Counseling is a good idea and I am seriously thinking about how to do this- financially.

We are tempted to just let her go. . .

Ya can't find a guy to set up BM with on a blind date and hope they click? Anyway....

While finaces are none of my business, if needed you may be able to pay on a sliding scale or make payments, your local state angency may be able to help you find a good place and see what can be offered.

I would not give up. I realize forcing her to come could make for terrible visits, but I'd still want some arrangement for visiting. Maybe dad and you could just take the girl on a set dinner engagement once every week, a movie, something where there is still contact and a showing of desire to keep her in your lifes even if there is a lot of tension right now.

Odds are SD will get angry at BM too the longer she has to remain in BM's home. She's a teen, nothing suits them, they spend half of the next few years thinking all parents bio and step are evil creatures bent on destroying their lifes. Sooner or later BM will do something to annoy the child too, BM won't be the wonderful savior that spares her from rules, homework, chores and never has to say 'no'.

Yeah, I'd at least make SD suffer through a pleasant meal and a couple hours light chatter between dad and her (hopefully you too). I think it's important that if no other reason she sees one cant just run away from issues/problems.

I think I read it on here recently . . .? I read it someplace recently anyhow . .

"Love me, love my wife."

When SD23 was breaking away she wanted to have private visits with her Dad; special dinners and movies without the other kids or me included. DH said 'no' because he felt it wasn't fair to reward her for her defiance, and not fair to the other kids especially. He said that she could come for visitation, make the best of it and that he could spend some alone time with her within those circumstances, she said 'no'- stalemate.

I think we will likely make her come down and make the best of it and go to counseling. We will likely be sacrificing the family vacation this year to pay for the counseling.

I hate having her in my home as untrustworthy as she is. She had the nerve to tell her mom that I constantly pick on her little sister (SD10), when she is the one who always picks on her.

I don't know if you saw an earlier post about how we think she is stealing from us, well me, and still haven't found the things that were missing.

*sigh*

Well it is always two way street and we only heard one side of the story...

If visitations don't work on Wednesday why not change it for a different day. I know it is in the past but I don't see how it was a big deal.

Even if it violates a court order, why not change the day so they can go to church, why not compromise, was it worth it? Not like church is every day.

Like DD went to temple on Friday nights at least every other week, so people knew it is not a good night to plan things. What's the big deal.

You are saying now she doesn't go to church, so what, maybe she will again, maybe not. I can't imagine severing ties with my child because she won't see me on certain days.

I wonder how much in these problems with SKs is caused by dad's refusal to compromise. I understand BM played the role and drove the wedge but seriously...SD went to church on Wednesdays, so why not see her on different days? Teenagers often have different activities so days have to be changed.

Dad is just as guilty here if not more. He has to try something different with SD13 so it wouldn't end up in estrangement as well.

UH, FD, you've got hold of the wrong end of the stick here. OP said in her FIRST post that church was the stated issue with the oldest (now 23) SD, and that BM is no longer involved with church.

I guess all households are different and set their own priorities, but I would think missing a family vacation would be well worth the chance of family counseling that might help my family.

What happened with the now 23 year old and caused a severed relationship between father/daughter I think if it'd been me I might have handled a bit differently. If you and DH have been together 10 years this was all about the time the daughter would have been adjusting to divorced parents and starting to adjust to going between two different homes--that's a big adjustment for kids and it takes time--toss in on top of that the daughter entering teenage years.

I'm not sure a young teen in a newly divorced/remarried situation was mature enough to understand the long term effects of her decisions. Anyway.... here now is daughter number 2.

As you say you hate having her in your home due to a possible (no proof she stole yet) trust issue is it possible that somehow you've sent (unintentional?) vibes to this daughter that you don't want her there? Maybe a 'standback' and 'cooloff' period would be better in this situation. Maybe letting the girl downsize her visiting time might give everybody a bit of a needed review time and if you hate having her in the home right now, why not a neutral once a week family outing to ensure the contact and a desire to maintain it .

Yeah, you read the "Love Me, love my wife" bit here, but I don't happen to buy into it on all levels. While I'd agree with having to be respectful and civil, I can't agree that children from divorced/blended families who are living two different lifestyles between two different homes can be handed the 'love me, love my new spouse' thing and expect everything to be smooth and comfortable without any issues/problems.

I would hope you and dad would keep working with the daughter even if in only a weekly engagement at least until the family counseling sessions have had a chance. But I guess, only your husband can be the one to decide how much and how hard he's willing to work to maintain a relationship with his children.

I wish you all well.

The stealing is more believable because of the stuff we know she is doing.

The reason he didn't call the Sheriff to enforce visitation for the now 23 year old is exactly the reasons you mention: her age, the divorce, etc. He just let her go. . . and now she doesn't want her little sister to have what she didn't have. She doesn't want her siblings to love me. She will likely succeed.

The only woman in DH's life who has ever treated him decently is me. I remember one confrontation I had with SD23, when she was about 14. It was father's day and her sibs had all made or doen something for their dad and he asked her what she had done and she said she was going to make some bread but never got around to it and maybe she would and maybe she wouldn't. He asked if he should do that for her birthday. She said that she didn't deserve it and he did, in front of the other kids and she's the oldest. I told her that I would not tolerate her treating her dad like that. Her opinion was she could treat him anyway she wanted because he was her dad.

When he was married to BM he would tell her he wasn't happy and she would tell him to "get happy".

As far as switching nights because of the church- in our part of the country divorce is almost by rote every other weekend and Wednesday evenings for the dad. We call it the Uncle Dad plan. There is not a dad in the world that would give up his Wednesdays for church, and none that have to. They get about ten days a month and you are asking them to give up four of them. The court knows that church meets Wednesday evenings when they schedule them.

So . . whatever. I have been an advocate of Dad's rights for years. They get totally screwed by the courts, and now, three years after the b**ch has agreed to 50/50 custody, in fact it was her idea, she wants to screw with the schedule because the 13 year old isn't happy. It's all bullcrap and sad and I am always surprised at the amount of really stupid selfish people who walk among us everyday.

She took each kid aside and asked them if they like visiting at our house and if they want to keep coming. SS12 was traumatized by it, I'm sure! not to mention SD10!!

Sorry for my ranting . . . life is upside down now . . all because she can't get a man

I know it was SD23, but she ended up estranged over silly thing, dad made an issue with SD23 when she couldn't visit on Wednesdays (which I don't see as a big deal or worth estranging from your own child even if BM is at fault). now something is going on with SD13, now dad might want to try something different if he wants to maintain relationship with her.