Resenting husband for enabling disrespectful step kids
postergirl
14 years ago
Featured Answer
Sort by:Oldest
Comments (29)
justmetoo
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agofinedreams
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Resenting my step son
Comments (8)I get that I am gearing my anger towards the wrong person...I AM going through counseling to sort through my feelings and am working at my relationship with my step son as well as my husband. My husband has been doing counseling and has been doing everything he possibly can to regain my trust. I DO trust my husband...call me foolish if you want, but he goes to work, comes home and spends time with us. He tells me every time his ex calls/texts and I am always around when they are doing exchanges. I don't trust her...she calls or texts everyday, she still, after 6 years, is after my husband. I never said I didn't care about my step son, I said that I want to love him the way I used to. When a child comes every week and talks back and says my mommy says I don't have to listen to you, you're not my mommy and other hurtful things, that I know came from her...it's hard to "love" him. He is my husbands child and for that, I would do anything for him, protect him, help him, guide him...he is at a vulnerable age, he's picking up on me snuggling with my children and not him, I don't want him to feel different than my kids do, I don't want him to feel like an outsider in his own home. I am working on it, trying to fix what has been broken. I need a way to figure out how to let go of my anger towards his mother and begin to heal...but it's difficult when she still chases after him, but claims she's been over him for years. I attempted to move past this before my second child was born, I asked if we could sit down and talk, and she said that she wasn't going to re hash what happened years before and have her heart broken again just for me to heal. That it wasn't her fault that I was dumb enough to not know the truth for years... So here we are, I'm looking for a supportive outlet who understands my want and need for loving an innocent child, while in the midst trying to heal my broken heart as well. You may think my husband is a monster, but that was 6 years ago...people change. And if I'm a fool enough to stay and work on my absolutely wonderful marriage that we've built for years, then I guess I'm a fool....See MoreDH afraid to discipline kids.Used up and disrespected
Comments (3)Wow, with a few decades of history, it's really hard to offer any advice. I think the first thing is to deal with your depression. Talk to your doctor or naturopath about healthy choices that can help you with your mood (eg - nutrition, exercise, B vitamins - or, if you think it's too bad for that to help, antidepressant medications). Then do something that makes you take notice of yourself and feel good about YOU - take a weekend away with a friend at the spa, start a new hobby, get a sassy haircut. Maybe that will remind you that you deserve to be treated well and give you the confidence to make it a requirement. When you talk to DH and/or the kids, make sure you're using "I statements" and keeping it relevant to the current situation. It's OK to say "We have a long pattern of [undesirable relationship attribute]," but make sure you use an example from the past 6 months, not from when the kid was 13. Try to find simple and concrete actions that everyone could do to help with the problem. Saying "I want to be treated with respect" isn't very helpful for getting a disrespectful person to change their ways... But maybe saying something like this would be more helpful, "I would prefer that if you have a gripe with me, you approach me directly to resolve it instead of talking to others first. If you're not comfortable speaking in person, then phone or an email is fine too." When it comes to your DH, I don't think you'll have a lot of success in saying "Look, Hunny, your daughter is a selfish beeyatch, so stop defending her and make her treat me properly." I think you'll have more success in saying "Now that most of the kids are out of the house and on with their own lives, I think you and I should do some rebuilding on our own relationship. Being an empty nest and negotiating the landmines of an adult blended family is different that the situation we were in until the kids moved out. Let's make a weekly date night to focus on each other and our relationship. Remember how we used to love [activity - eg playing cribbage, making dinner together, going to movies]? Let's pick that back up again!" Maybe a reminder that he is in a relationship with you is what DH needs. Maybe not? I don't know....See Moredisrespectful step kids
Comments (3)same song indeed, jenn. This is intimidation, & you & hubs are enabling it; buying them soda & providing them with a roof is like paying a blackmailer. You *never* get them "paid off". They'll always be there, demanding more & more & more. & screaming is physical intimidation, which escalates to elder abuse. which supports one of my pet theories, that grown men who abuse their nearest & dearest often were overindulged brats who always got their own way, at first by tantrums, then by physical intimidation, then by hitting & punching & terrorizing. I channeled my father on jenn's thread; on this one, maybe y'all can imagine what your own fathers would have done with an adult son who lay around all day & lived off his dad & screamed when he was "asked" to "help....See MoreDaughter & Step-Father Disrespect
Comments (5)This may not have anything to do with the "step" thing...my daughter just turned 14, and starting between 12-13, things just went crazy....we had an awful year (8th grade)...just unbelievable. She went from a pleasant, honor student that never ever got in any kind of trouble to an absolute mess....bad grades, getting in trouble in school, "cutting" her wrists, and just showing complete and total lack of respect for me and her mother (we have 50-50 custody). Despite our divorce, which was amicable, she's had a very good upbringing...two parents who are loving and supportive...we had no idea where all this came from. Fortunately she's been in therapy for about a year now, and I think just getting out of 8th grade (middle school) and moving on to high school has helped, because things have been a lot better the last 6 months or so. Not perfect, she still has lots of anxiety and self-esteem issues, but the bahavior has improved a lot...so I am hopeful. The others are right, your husband needs to back off a bit...and you two need to establish and agreed upon set of things that are acceptable and things that are not...and when she does something that is not, he should tell you and you decide what to do about it, she is your child to discipline, not his. And no matter what she has done, for him to not give her positive reinforcement if she is making efforts to improve, that is JUST AWFUL...you need to get all over him about this...kids, especially girls, at this age need GOBS of positive reinforcement! He is causing her lots of harm by doing this.......See Morepostergirl
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agocatlettuce
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agolamom
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agojustmetoo
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agomom2emall
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agofinedreams
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoterinick
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agofinedreams
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoterinick
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agofinedreams
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoterinick
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agobutterflybelly
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agowordsmith2020
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agocolleenoz
11 years agolast modified: 9 years agoshelldthomas73
7 years agolittlebug zone 5 Missouri
7 years agocolleenoz
7 years agokeshiaprodaly
3 years agoHU-494281645
2 years agoHU-343483201
2 years agolast modified: 2 years agocolleenoz
2 years agoHU-405013675
last yearcolleenoz
last yearHU-337715186
last yearHU-716085
last yearpkpk23
last year
Related Stories
ORGANIZINGOrganize Your Way to Love in 9 Steps
Make room in your house for love and romance through easy cleanup
Full StoryLIFEHow to Build Your Housekeeping Muscle
Train yourself to clean and organize until the routine becomes second nature with this step-by-step approach
Full StoryDECORATING GUIDESHow to Decorate When You're Starting Out or Starting Over
No need to feel overwhelmed. Our step-by-step decorating guide can help you put together a home look you'll love
Full StoryDIY PROJECTSTurn a Shipping Pallet Into a Stylish Ottoman
Get the step-by-step instructions for upholstering your own mod living room centerpiece
Full StorySMALL HOMESHouzz Tour: A Family of 4 Unwinds in 540 Square Feet
An extraordinarily scaled-down home and garden for a couple and their 2 kids fosters sustainability and togetherness
Full StoryMOST POPULARSo You Say: 30 Design Mistakes You Should Never Make
Drop the paint can, step away from the brick and read this remodeling advice from people who’ve been there
Full StoryCRAFTS20 Ways to Organize Your Craft Space
Tired of looking for a needle in a haystack? Giving tools and supplies a proper place steps up productivity and cuts down on frustration
Full StoryTHE ART OF ARCHITECTUREToys to Inspire Budding Architects and Designers
Frank Lloyd Wright’s blocks, cards by Eames and more toys from around the globe tap into kids’ imaginations and build skills
Full StoryKIDS’ SPACESKid Spaces: Ingredients of a Dream Playroom
Great floors, playful storage, heroic color and secret places fill play spaces with possibility
Full StoryLIFE21 Things Only People Living With Kids Will Understand
Strange smells, crowded beds, ruined furniture — here’s what cohabiting with little monsters really feels like
Full StorySponsored
More Discussions
terinick