Well, I am sorry your friend's marriage is breaking up - that is what I assume is happening. What are his obligations? Different in everystate, but I would be surprised if any CS. 10 year marriage -- if big earnings differential, could be at least temporary spousal maintenance where I live. But he will have to see a lawyer. I think Ima is from California, and she can give you a better idea.

Legally, he has no obligation to help with SD's college. Morally, it is up to him to do what he feels is right. My question is: Who told him they were never a family? The girl or her mother? If he's been in this girl's life 10 years, what is his relationship with her? Anything he does from this point.. is a gift.

My dad married my stepmom when my stepsister was 16. He also has done more for her in the last 20 years than her own father. He has been financially supportive as well as emotionally supportive. He helped her through her first failed marriage, employed her when she couldn't find a job, took her on vacations with her kids that she wouldn't have been able to afford otherwise, and has treated her just like a daughter. She would introduce him as her dad, send him cards 'to dad', etc... and she was in her late 20's and into her early 30's. Her mom had an aneurysm 13 years ago and was vegetative until she died late last year, so her mom was not involved in her father/daughter relationship with my dad.. it was just between them. Then, a few years ago, she decided that she would join her brothers in a lawsuit they filed against my dad in an attempt to secure an inheritance from their mom, who was terminal. It was a devastating blow to my dad and he still can't believe she would treat him like family for 20 years and then turn on him like that after he had already given her everything that belonged to her mom.. clothes, jewelry, silver, family heirlooms, and even her car (after he paid it off).

My point is: If he is going to continue to help her, he should do so with no expectations and consider it a gift. He is not obligated to do it so it would depend on his relationship with her and it should have nothing to do with her mom or how her mom feels. If he doesn't have that kind of relationship with her, it is her mom's problem to finance her college.

As to spousal support, it's rarely ordered anymore in my experience. It's usually in long term marriages where there is a disparity in earning capacity. An attorney can answer it better but nobody can really predict what a Judge will order. In CA, there is no legal obligation to support step kids.

This girl also has a father that can help her too.

kkny,

thanks, I only care about what what the group thinks his obligations are ethically and morally. I am not looking for legal advice. He has a lawyer for that.

Ethically and morally -- I think he has to ask himself, what if anything has he promised girl. My guess, most teens would have a clue that even if he promised her anything, that once the relationship with mom is over, all bets are off. What I think he owes her, is to be honest and upfront. She is 18, if he wants a relationship with her, it is up to him an her. If he feels that the relationship is over, then he has to make certain either the mom or the SD understand that he has no financial commitment. IMHO.

he has no obligations in my opinion. If he wants to help SD, he should. he sounds like a nice person. But he does not have to. poeple help their nieces and nephews, why not help SD? but is there a dad in the picture?

My X lived in a common law marriage for 10 years, and recently married someone else. although DD still occasionally sees her former SM (dad's long time GF or common law wife) they certainly have no obligations for anything. Certainly not wiht college expenses.

I do not believe he has any ethical or moral obligation to help out in any way. If he desires to do so however, that is his perogative, providing his SD also wishes to accept his financial assistance.

One day I called my former MIL to see how she was doing, and she broke in tears as she told me how horrible she felt because in her desperation to go to college, her beloved granddaughter (GD) had BEGGED her for some money, and it broke her heart that she didn't have it to give. She lived in an assisted housing on $800 a month, and neither her, or her GD's mother, my former SIL, had any credit or could get anyone to give them a loan. Her GD actually had qualified for a number of grants and loans, but had to come up with several thousand dollars in cash, just to get in the door.

Don't think I could ever forget the fact that my former SIL not only wasn't very nice to me, when my husband cheated on me she actually told me that I deserved it because I was a B*tch!

I had every reason to gloat and the truth is I DID, as I wrote out that check and sent it her! I wish I could say I had good intentions, but the truth is that when I was down, she called me a "b*tch" and that was my payback! It was actually my way of sending the message that I did it because I CAN! Her daughter was able to get an on-campus job to struggle through, and for the next 4 years I kept the fun going by sending her nice little checks enclosed in lovely cards with lots of words of encouragement.

However, it is also true that I did partially because my former MIL and FIL did a lot for me, especially by helping me out financially after the divorce. They bought me a car! They scrounged up furniture for my new place, and came over frequently to provide me with emotional support, and cleaning! They got me out of the house, took me places and gave me money and never allowed me to repay them. So I was also greatful for the opportunity to pay back what I felt I owed them.

And it's not like I ever let any of that "on" to any of them. When I see my former SIL and her daughter, they greet me with big smiles, hugs and kisses, and we still keep in touch.

The reality is, it actually DID eliminate the "hard feelings" I had been holding against my former SIL, and enabled ME to gain closure and feel at peace.

So in personal my opinion, even when you do something good for the wrong reason, it's still pretty darn good!

who's telling him now that he's never really been family just a stepfather?...poor guy. People don't usually realize what they have until it's gone. Maybe that will be the case.
My husband is one of those good guys. he treats all four of our children the same. He has come to the financial rescue of my two more times than I can say. He refers to my daughter and son as his daughter and his son. just watching him and listening to him has always helped me be a better stepmom to his children. He's a much better person than I could ever be.

All,

My friend is clear that he has no legal responsibility and never really has had any to support this girl since he never adopted her. Now that she is 18 that point is underscored. I will share with him that most here feel that he does not have to help out with college expenses. He is an entreprenuer so having one less big expense is important.

I find it interesting that no one has commented on the fact the BM left him as soon as her daughter went to college after 10 years of him supporting the two of them. BD provided child support but it never was enough to really support BM or the daughter and their "way of life." The fact that my friend footed the school bills, mortgages, food, orthodontics and everything else did not even register here. This stuff is taken for granted from stepparents many of whom have no legal responsibility to do anything at all.

This forum is not about marriage but it is about stepfamilies. His stepdaughter's father and BM are the ones who told him that he is not really family. Of course, when the daughter was young and BM was needy he was family enough.

are you sure that's the reason for divorce? that she just does not need him anymore? kids in college are more expensive than kids in a kindergarden. plus you said mom cannot afford college. if she was such a selfish woman wouldn't you think she stick around so he would help wiht college? people often do not disclose real reason for divorce. sometimes stigma, sometimes money issue etc. maybe she had an affair or something but is afarid to tell before divorce is final. yes you should tell him that he does not have to help with anything unless he trully wants to. Sd has both mom and dad, not like she is an orphan.

I wouldnt punish sd for what mom and bd said ... it is between him and his sd... I am sorry but after 10 years you have your own relationships with each person. If he wants to continue to support and help her then he should do so... if he doesnt then he doesnt... but I would say that it mostly depended on their "sd and sfather" relationship.

And yeah... it does seem a little odd... maybe she did feel like she needed someone there to help support her and her daughter... maybe its a whole lot more.. one can never know what goes on in the privacy of someones marriage. But, I personally, in his situation be more concerned with my relationship with my step child... she didnt pack up and divorce him.. mom did. (But ofcourse this is assuming that there was a close relationship in the first place)

finedreams, I don't think the main reason she left is because she doesn't need my friend financially anymore. That is just one among many and I don't want to go in to the marital stuff because it is private. But, her timing does have to do with her daughter not needing her SD as much.

mom of 4, my friend does have his own relationship with his SD. That he is getting the freeze from the "family" after all of these years hurts him deeply.

Well he was a father figure for a long time. But since he is not the biological father and both biological parents are still in the picture I do not think he is obligated to do anything financially morally or ethically.

Now if he wants and she wants to continue the relationship that they have always had I think that is good and he may want to help her financially.

I am still close to the sd I had growing up. He did not support me financially after him and my mother split, but emotionally he did. I often visited him and his family on holidays and/or weekends even though my mom and dad were still in my life. I just had a strong bond with my stepfather and still do!

Mom2emall,

My DH has a similar situation with his stepdaughter, who he considers his daughter since he raised her and her biodad was not in the picture. I refer to her here as my SD35 although she is really my what, SD-in-law?

Their relationship is definitely father/daughter although he stepped in to the dad shoes when she was 14. They see each other, she considers herself sister to my DS6, they work together on some things and have a pretty good ongoing father daughter relationship. I don't think he helped her with college or law school costs per se but I know he gave her a part-time job during that time, still throws her cases as an attorney (he is a doctor), and so on.

I find it interesting that no one has commented on the fact the BM left him as soon as her daughter went to college after 10 years of him supporting the two of them. BD provided child support but it never was enough to really support BM or the daughter and their "way of life." The fact that my friend footed the school bills, mortgages, food, orthodontics and everything else did not even register here

iamom,

All of that registered with me just fine. It just didn't have anything to do with the question you asked.

Do I think BM probably used him to support her and her daughter? Can't say for sure on the limited information provided, but I'm pretty certain that's what my husband's X used her last husband for!

He did an awful lot for my SDs and that both BM and my SDs ignored him completely after that? Yes I thought that was HIDEOUS! And one day when I was arguing, yet again, with my oldest SD about why there was NO legitimate reason for BM to be anywhere near my husband and I, I finally got a little pissed and asked her why it was I hadn't seen her last stepdad around since the divorce, and asked point blank whether or not she even was talking to him.

Her response was, "NO, because he hasn't gotten over my mom divorcing him!"

In other words, even though stepdad had been a part of their lives for almost 10 years, the reason they were basically "shunning" him was because SDs felt he was trying to use them to reconcile with BM. (And they had lots of experience with that as BM's been using them for years to try to get MY husband to reconcile with her!)

A couple years later, SD had another baby and their tiny townhouse wasn't big enough and while they were waiting for their new house to be built, came to live with us for about 6 month--SIL had kicked BM out when they sold the townhouse and told us he would NEVER allow her to live in their new house.

Oh, but right after they put their townhouse on the market, apparently BM and former stepdad had gotten back together, moving into his new teeny little apartment which was VERY "out of character" for her to condenscend that low.

6 months later, their new house was finished and SD had to attend the closing by herself because SIL was out of town working with my husband. Well, immediately after the closing, guess who moved right back in with her daughter? Yeap, as soon as SD's new house was built, BM once again DUMPED Stepdad and moved into SD and SIL's brand new house!

And before SIL even got so much as to SEE his new house, BM repainted the entire interior! If the brown bathrooms weren't hideous enough, those green stripes she painted on the living room walls sure were!

Was that enough for stepdad to learn his lesson? OH HELL NO! A few months later SIL once again had enough and kicked her out again, and Stepdad once again took BM back, who stayed with him once again just long enough to find a "better deal".

OK?

I think the BM, who I know pretty well as a relative, used my friend to be a SD meal ticket. Now, even though they have left him, the SD for college, the BM for greener pastures they still want money. He loves his SD and helped to raise her for 10 years. BM was custodial parent, BD lived across the country so my friend, the SD, was the dad on the scene.

I'll tell him what was said here...that he has no obligation to help anymore. He probably will anyway because he's that kind of person, and BM will take the cash because she is that kind of person.

If I were the SDad and wanted to help the SDaughter I would pay directly to the college, not his Ex. Or if she wants to visit him buy the ticket direct, no cash. I am sorry he is being treated so badly.

iamom,

When I decided to "sponsor" my little college student, It's not like I was ever even ASKED, much less EXPECTED. After that initial contribution to get her in the door, all I ever sent after that was a little spending cash like a favorite aunt, usually no more than $100 at a time. She not only thanked me, but sent me regular progress reports, telling me all about her grades, her classes, teachers, friends, even boyfriends, inviting me to school events and her graduation. Her dad just took off and never paid a DIME in CS, while my X-SIL raised her, supported the both of them all by herself with the little money she made--cleaning houses! My former MIL had no money for GD, so instead went to the local food pantry and sent her FOOD, and she was very grateful for that as well! It wasn't like she was a pampered brat with an overblown sense of entitlement who EXPECTED anything. She is very kind and gracious, treated me like "family" and still does. My former SIL has "grown up" to become a rather wonderful, kind and loving person.

I've had lots of hardship in my life and it did teach me to be far more appreciative of the kindness of others who have helped me out along the way, and to value, cherish, and respect them by extending the same to them and others. I do believe it's helped turn me into a far better person.

From what you've described, it sounds highly probable that your friend's X knows he still has feelings for her and her daughter, and is basically taking advantage of that knowledge to continue playing him for a fool. Yeah, that's pretty offensive and I can see why you're upset. If he just does it, he won't be sending a very good message to his former SD either. It would actually serve to teach her that it's OK to play on other people's emotions for her own personal financial gain, giving her even more incentive to become a "user", just her BM. Frankly, I think a little hardship and struggle might do the both of them a world of good.

I hope you can talk some sense into him but even though it's very sad, those of us who do not learn from our mistakes are destined to repeat them.