why is the school allowing him to wrestle with 3 F's? It didn't work that way when my kids went to school. The problem (of which I'm well aquainted) lies between you and your husband and the inability to get on the same page regarding the children in general. There will be no order in that house until you and your husband get some counseling regarding how to parent this rebellious teenager. It sounds to me like he's begging for someone to get tough with him. The more freedom they get, the further they'll go until someone puts a stop to it. Ask your husband why he is setting such a low standard for his child... As I said, counseling.

Hi deeannaw. Your ss sounds like mine. As does the bio mom. Always fun and games with some bio moms. They seem to want to leave all the disciplining etc to the dads or not at all.
Doesn't his school have a policy on the grades and sports issue? I know here, the kids have to have a certain GPA to be able to remain in sports.
With the grades, you kinda have to let them own that issue. There really isn't any need to get too involved in that battle too deep, because the natural consequence is theirs to own in the end, and that is F's means retaking classes etc, and possibly not graduating on time. He is old enough to understand that.
I agree with the whole cell phone thing though. That is a big priviledge in my book, and would be taken away with bad grades alone. Maybe going to a tournament is a special situation, though and the phone could then be revoked again once he came home.
I don't know what makes some kids behave the way they do. It almost seems universal in steps, but some behaviors are way over the top in some of them. There is a whole range I guess.
You have to pick your battles, as you do with your own children. I know my kids don't do everything I ask of them....so wish they did though lol.
Just hang in there and talk with your dh.

Yeah His dad is going to be taking his cell phone away when he gets back.. In some way I wished he would of stuck to his guns and said NO to even giving it back.. Im just a little upset with that whole thing.. and the grade thing is this school will let them wrestle with bad grades as long as its not on a mid term report.. soo the whole quarter he can have bad grades then usually the day before midterm or end of term hes scrambling to get things turned in.. and If I say ANYTHING Im picking on him... and My gosh maybe I am.. Im just soo tired of batteling with this kid who has made me and My husband have some really bad arguements.. I can deal with my kids.. they are not Disrespectful because they have had discipline all thier life... this kid has none.. and I feel we will be supporting him the rest of his life financially..

he cannot participate in sports wiht 3fs. he might be doing something else but telling you he is at practice. wrestling practice is usually pretty late at night so who knows where he is at. call his school and find out.

yeah we talked to the coach and he said as long as hes grades are not at mid term or end of term he can still particiapte in all functions of wrestling.. sad but true

Problem #1: Your DH has taken his son's 'side'. First, I disagree that he's on his son's side if he's enabling the kid to fail and be a screw up. But, what I assume you mean is that he is not part of a 'team' with you and he's defending his screw up son by calling you selfish. That's a marital problem, not a kid problem. If it were my husband calling me selfish because I have an opinion about how he's parenting, then I would probably say "fine, it's not my problem and I don't want to hear about his failing grades. You and his mother can deal with him, leave me out of it." That's easier said than done, but if he is going to treat you like an outsider, aside from leaving the marriage, what are you going to do? Leaving the marriage would be a last resort for me and there would have to be other problems, not just because of the way he parents.

Problem #2. His mother can't handle him and sends him to live with dad but dad lets him run back to mom's house to engage in the behaviors that dad won't allow in his house? Why not get the kid his own pad so he can party and get laid all the time? This kid has two parents that can't be consistent, won't set any boundaries and really don't care enough to 'parent' this kid. Sad, but what are YOU going to do?

Problem #3. You have your own kids to worry about. It's bad enough that your kids have to be subjected to being around this other kid that doesn't have a caring parent in mom or dad. If the parent's are going to allow him to do those things, it's a bad influence on your kids and I really believe it would be best for you to focus on spending your time and energy on your kids, not worrying about your husband's kid. Your husband doesn't seem to be worrying about his own kid, why should you?

His mom created the problem and I have a serious problem with one parent that screws up a kid and then sends that kid off to the other parent to 'fix it'. WTH? It's a bit different if the NCP screws up the kid and CP can no longer handle them, so turns them over to NCP. But, even then i see that as giving up on a kid. In cases where there are younger, more impressionable kids that are being affected, then I guess sometimes it's necessary to send the bad influence away when you've done all you can to turn them around. However, if you have done NOTHING to turn them around, but have enabled them to do what you are sending them away for... That's the WORSE kind of parent! In my opinion... of course

I agree totally with you.. I just dont know what to do.. and I do feel like an outsider.. and have explained to my husband Im not the enemie.. and if hes gonna take things away from him.. he needs to stand his ground and not start to feel sorry for him when hes crying alagator tears.. ( which happens alot) frustrates me 100%

I dont know If I should just stay out of it.. and just worry about my kids or if thats the solution either.. Im just soo lost and getting angry over a pampered spoiled brat( sorry if you all take offence to that) but thats how I feel...

I have tried to stay out of it. I will tell you what happened when I stepped away from them and let them deal with what came their way.
I let dh deal with each of his kids this way, because they didn't appreciate what I did for them. Dh got lazy just like his kids did. Dh started doing his own thing, and the kids started doing their own thing and just telling him what he wanted to hear so they could keep doing what they were doing. No questions asked, ever. He just accepted what they said at face value.
That would normally be fine, if you had kids who were not already proven liars.
In the end the kids were doing things that were not okay. Dad had to back track and try to be the parent again.
I am always asking questions. Even of my own kids. They don't do anything, or go anywhere without the who, what, when, where, and why. Thats just me.
It is easier to do nothing, than it is to try and change. That is why my skids stay the same. They always want the easy route in life. That is what their mom taught them. Do what is easier, even if that is giving up, or quitting, because if something is a challenge it isn't worth their while because it would be too difficult.
It is hard to "stay out of it" completely. Something always happens that sucks you back in. I want to focus just on my kids right now. I have been sucked in too far once again, and I don't want to be.
Feeling lost and angry is something I have felt a lot. It helps to have someone to talk to. That used to be my friend of 22 years, but my sd took care of that friendship....ex friend now thinks that "I" am a shi**y step mom and we require too much of sd because we have rules. I have mostly tolerated said ex friend for the past few years anyway, as she was taking a turn in life that was far different from my own and she was having trouble letting go of the past and just growing up, so maybe the friendship was long over due anyway, but my sd thinking that they were best buddies certainly didn't help the situation.
Find a good friend to talk to, your mom or whoever...even venting here helps.
Hang in there..

it is stupid of mom to allow haivng sex in her house. is she there when it happens? it is pretty bizzare. just wait when he knocks someone up.

But I think since he lives with dad for 3 years now it is not wise to blame only mom. even if he was bad then, it does not mean he has to be bad now. DD was pretty difficult at 13 but was absolutelly fine at 16, 3 years is a long time, in fact enough time for improvement.

i think it is time for dad to step up wiht discipline, consequences, some academic help etc

kid might need tutoring to help with school and he might need to get a job to get him more responsible.

I dragged (okay, he wasn't kicking and screaming or anything) my husband to parenting classes shortly after we were married. It helped him tremendously in seeing how children can be manipulative and take advantage of parents during a divorce or after. There were lots of suggestions and options to discipline and motivate kids' behavior. I found if very helpful in dealing with my own teenage kids.

I've posted the link before but the course name is active parenting for step families and we also took a course by the same instructor called cooperative parenting. In my opinion, parenting classes should be mandatory before people can have kids. (and cooperative parenting classes at any divorce/custody proceedings)

I personally think you are wasting energy and time in this. I know you need to vent. We all do..so come an vent but the solution to this problem lies in the hands of both his parents. and if his parents wish to raise this child a certain way there is nothing you can do about it.
The only thing you can do is basically tell your husband your concerns and you limits. Cause if he does start showing disrespect towards you then you can take a stand for telling him off etc..etc...As for the cell phone...its between him and his dad. Yes it pisses you off to see the yoyo affect but inthe end, along the bad grades, all the BS will catch up to this kid and daddy and mommy will have to handle it.
BUt you have to be very CLEAR to you husband on your limits.
EXample : i told my hubby that since BM raises his kids and instills her morals..and lack of discipline, that I will not be left holding a SH*t bag of problems due to BM's raising...my DH has been excluded in parenting them by alienation tactics by mommy dearest...
But i made it clear to my husband that there will be conditions if they ever coem to live with us. Those conditions are obviously different betwen each couple. BUt as long as you are clear with futur intentions on yoru part , your Dh can't say you blind sided him.
Ie. Me, i would tell you hubby if he crashes and burns in school that it is in his hands and moms...but when he gets to be a ' man'....he better pay his way under you roof. The last thing you want is a moocher!
And i even drill it into my own bioson to get a job. All the kids know under our roof that if you want something its earned and if daddy and mommy pay for it , its a previlage! not a right.
His grades will catch up, he will be booted out of the wrestling..and hope to GOd he is using protection over at mom's house when he's having sex.....cause if he would get someoen pregnant...i would tell him now to get a job and take care of his new family...
I really hope your hubby starts stepping up to the plate more.
You, have to disengage..and honestly step away..you can't do anything. and you are only stressing yourself out.

organic is right on...My SK's lived with us and my Bio kids joined in a couple of years later. All teenagers!! I wrote up a set of rules and gave it to the four of them. At the time my DH was right behind me...Well, all hell broke loose. When DH went to work his kids did exactly what they wanted (sex and all) no matter what I did or said. When DH came home...he didn't want to deal with it (and they suddenly became angels) so he just ignored it. One by one after putting up with just so much of their drugging and sexcapades they were told shape up or ship out...SD went first, then SS followed a couple of years later when DH finally had enough of his drug abuse and having sex in our home. (after we were asleep he'd sneak the girl in) By that time I was having honest to goodness asthma attacks. My daughter moved out during that time from the stress alone. My son went with my daughter. Now five years later everyone cleaned up their act and we are good to go...but in my case DH couldn't bring himself to enforce the rules on a day to day basis and he was the one ultimately who had to ask his son to leave. They didn't have anything to do with biomom at all...SD does now, SS won't speak to her... very sad situation. Happily as I said, SS is going to school now, and the experience of having to reach rock bottom and pick himself up, paid off.

Yes, disengaging works to a point. And only to a point, especially when the kids live with you in your own home. You can only disengage so much from a person when they live under your roof and you see them on a daily basis.
You can focus your energies elsewhere, and try to ignore or at the very least just "take note of" what is going on with the skids.
It is difficult. Especially when they start involving your other kids or your family and friends into the picture. A little hard to be disengaged then.
You can't just say, Ah well, it isn't my problem....because at that point it is.
Not doing anything is just as bad as always complaining about everything under the sun.
You have to sit down and really think about what you can put up with and what you won't. Make your own list, of rules if you will. Things that you absolutely won't put up with etc. Things that you can let go and so on.
It is hard work, and sadly many step parents are the ones to do all this hard work while the skids do nothing. But if you truly want things to be better or at least find out of you seriously have done all you can before you need to hit the road or whatever, then the work has to be done by someone. If you are the only one putting forth any effort at all ever, then you pretty much have your answer there.
My limits have been breached and I have given my last opinion on the matters at hand, and basically said that if counseling does not work, then I can not stick around to put myself thru more of the same.

I would imagine it would be very, very difficult to disengage and stay completely out of it, since they are living in your home and their behavior will influence the behavior of the younger kids in the same house. On top of it all, because you are married to his dad, the kind of adult these kids grow into will affect your life. If he becomes a teenage parent, will your DH be able to stand by and not help his son, and watch his grandchild suffer the consequences of his son's inability to provide and care for a baby properly? Will you be able to watch a baby pay the consequences for this kid without stepping in to help? Will his dad be able to stand by if this kid ends up an adult who is unable to hold on to a job, and support even himself, or will he continually have to fork over money to keep supporting this kid well into his adult life? Will he grow up to become an independent adult male, or an irresponsible one who fails to make his car payment's, and goes from job to job, and evicted from apartments? Or will you, like cat have a 28 year old living with you because he is unable to support himself, and his dad is unable to kick him out?

Because you are married to your DH, the outcome of their lack of parenting will affect you, I imagine.

So do you do nothing now, while you still have some ability to turn this kid around, or do you sit back, and watch this boy grow into an adult, knowing he is going to have a hard time later, due to parental indulgence throughout his childhood?

Holy Moley... well I talked to my hubby on saturday and told him that I did not want any more part in his disicipline actions when it came to his son..he took it to mean I did not want anything to do with him & his son.. I tried explaining what my point of the matter was and he gave me the cold shoulder.. well that night His Coach called because he was at a wrestling tournement 4 hrs away and told us that Step son had been hurt and taken to the hospital.. that he would call us with any Information.. my husband told me about it.. and then said I KNOW YOU DONT CARE.... ( which is an absolute misconception ) and I said No I do care. the coach then called back about an hr later and said that the step son had suffered a Mild cuncussion.. and that they was releasing him from the hospital and that the stepson would ride the bus home.. that we was to give him some pain pills and that he would be sore for a few days.. but he would be Okay.. when he got home my hubby got upset at me for not rushing up to him making sure he was ok.. I told him to give him some Ibuprophin. the next day we recieved an email and a letter from the school stating that we owed them 115.00 for wrestling clothes and 60 of that was for a class the stepson failed and has to retake.. also included in this letter was a statement of a refund of 70.00 for a coat my hubby bought for the stepson in november.. which he did not ever recieve... my hubby asked him about where the 70.00 dollars went and the stepson said they never gave him any money.. that he did not know what he was talking about.. ( of course ) then said dad dont talk to me right now My head hurts.. soo My hubby walked away.. well the wheels in my head of course is spinning.. I told my hubby to call and check on it.. ( I KNOW WHERE THE MNEY WENT ) Im just not going to say a word.. then my hubby asked him about the email he got from this teacher.. stating all the stepson is doing in class is dinking off.. and that why he has an F.. and the stepson replied dad MY HEAD HURTS I cant talk right now.. he shut the door and the stepson got on the cell phone and was talking to his Girlfriend.. laughing carring on .. and my hubby said get off the phone.. he was suppose to take the cwell back from him when he got home.. but I knew he would not.. and he still has it.. Im just wondering how much is it going to take before my hubby steps up to the plate.. and really does what he sayis he is gonna do? I mean he already told the kid that the cell phone will be taken away when he got back home.. but since he got hurt now Dad seems to just feel sorry for him. and stepson is using that fact to pull on heart strings of dad.. I did not say a word.. I told him I would not be Involved ... But its been hard not to say anything.. any advice???? Im sooo Lost

well I was right in the 70.00 they gave him the cash.. Im really lost now

And this is an EVERYDAY thing

As long as his father is a rug for his son to wipe his feet on and doesn't acknowledge his sons behaviour there is nothing You can do.
He wont listen toyou...he obvious avoids it because he doesnt' do what is asked of him from you.
You can't waste any energy onthis kid. Yes you cannot ignore it but you can't do anything with him either so what are you suppose to do sit there and fret, get your hair all white? FOR WHAT!?
People say , yes it will affect you...your darn right it will as long as you let it. Like i said before, when he is out of line, you tell him off. If he doesn't do what you ask...tell his father and if he doesnt' do anything then begin to tell of your hubby.
Set your limits with your husband and be clear!.
There comes a time when enough is enough. It doesn't matter who is related to who or what. If those are your house rules and he doesnt' abide and your husband is not aiding you then its time for you and hubby to go for counciling..if hubby refuses tell him to pack long with his son..i'm sorry but you are married and should work as a team..
A TEAM. THe kids should not run the house. YOU and your hubby run the house.
As for your kids, you put them aside and spell out the rules themselves and tell them not mimic their stepbrother and that you cannot control him unfortunately but that doesn't give them a reason to behave like him.
THis is my worst fear is the influence of peers and that can be quite strong at times.
Your husband is the issue...not your ss. Your husband has to stand and take control of this.
You can only really discuss things with him but inthe end...you have no control over this kids crashing and burning. BUT you can set liimits with your husband and tell him he either shapes up and takes a stand as a father in control or both leave. Period.
no..you dont want a 28 year old living with youand poor dad doesn't have the gutts to kick him out ot the curb.
So no, waiting for several years wont do....but setting standards with hubby will. Cause you are married to your husband. Not your ss.
So no offense to those on this board but i fore one do not like being a carpet to no one. And this includes my husband. If his kids acted like this and he didn't do anything about then i would set couciling and some time andif that didn't work, i would boot them both out!
Life is difficult as it is and in the end if you are going to live in a marriage that is miserable then the only thing you can do in the long run if it doesnt work out is to protect yourself and your kids.

I am just wondering if Im taking this to the extreame and... Im wondering If its me that has the problem.. I am made to feel like Im " picking" on him.. and thats not what I want to come across as... I want to be Heard.. I have not told my hubby about the refund yet because I will be made to feel like that.. I need advice.. Please

I wish I knew what to tell you. Unfortunately, my SO would do the exact same thing with his DD.

BM told a big lie and we knew it was a lie. But then his DD slipped and basically confirmed the lie. He asked a couple of questions, allowing her to cover up, and then never mentioned it again.

The other night he actually said to me that he doesn't think she was a party to the lie that was told. I told him that she was doing a darn good job trying to cover up something she didn't even know about. Then he said she's a good kid. I told him that lies are serious and she's only 13. The lies can't be too bad since she doesn't really have any freedoms. But when she gets older and has more freedoms these lies will get worse. What worries me is that she is all too willing to lie or go along with the lie if she is the one benefitting. And she doesn't mind hurting him to do it.

Deann,
as a wife i would basically hand him the letter from the school that was sent stating all the amounts. THe refund from the school..was it given to his son in cash??? Because the school were idiots if they gave the money to your ss.
Either way i would present all the letters email and tell him the refund about was stated. So, Good luck in dealing with your son lying ot you about the amount. Tell me how it goes when you confront him.
Now if your hubby does nothing...then you as person will have to sit down with your husband and draw the line. EIther he disciplines his son or you give your limits.
EIther way, are you prepared to lose your hubby if it came down to it???
Or do you think by telling your hubby that by 18 his son will have to fend for himself? How would you feel about that?
He's 16 now. Does he have a job? If not, help him prepare his son to be responsible. You do not wanta moocher on her hands.
If your husbands ignored the lies of his son, there is nthing you can do. honestly. ANd your husband will get angery at you if you say anythign to his son because he will defend him.
So WHat are you going to do?
I would hand the documents over and step back. Then based on dad's actions i would then have to decide if i truly love this man, and if i also can live iwth this man being this way but most importantly i would tell him that his son will have to fend for himself after a given time has passed and that is the line drawn since he wont draw it.
Will SS hate you .? yah...but beter than living in misery!

He wont get a Job.. His Grades and Homework is too Important.. but he fails at that too.. the dad told me that he will support His son till the day he graduates Collage.. I just dont get the fact that the dad cannot see the manipulative behavior thats going on here.. His dad Knows that if he dont give him everything he will be a moocher.. It just kills me to see him being taken advantage of.. and the situation only gets worse on a day to day basis.. I do love My husband.... and Im trying to support him.. but the kids got his Number and uses that to all his might.. I just doint want to see my hubby making the effort to go and talk to his teachers.. get his grades up cause dad pleds with the teachers to keep giving him opportunitys that only backfire.. My hubby has went to the school and begged the teachers to let him make up stuff.. and then the SS says he turned in work that was never turned in.. I just want my hubby to see this.. I know he has to.. but I dont understand why It continues on the way it does.. I have tried staying out of it.. but its costing us soo much money for him to be in sports and he dont make any effort to be responsible.. My husband says thats the only way to get him into collage... is by scholerships in sports it wont be because of effort, hard work, or determination.. I hate to say this but Im glad my kids dont act like that.. But then again I dont HAND THEM EVERYTHING.. when I was growing up we had to work hard to get anything.. my parents did not hand me anything but opportunity.. it was up to me to do with it as I wanted... I was a better person because of it.. I have told my hubby that his s on needs to get a job so hes able to pay for his Insurance on his truck.. based on his grades it will cost 200.00 month to keep him Insured.. I refuse to pay for that.. I think if he wants the Chance to drive he will pay.. hes the one slacking on his grades.. all he ever does is blames the teachers as to why hes failing.. I know that if my husband starts paying for that..I will feel I have no choice but to leave.. that will be the last straw for me.. I mean my hubby works hard and so do I.. that extra money could be going towards People who work hard and at the least give it 100%.. I know I sound selfish.. but my gosh I have delt with alot in these 3 years.. and I just dont feel I can handel being taken advantage of..

deeannaw,

By telling your husband about the refund you won't be picking on your SS, but rather if you don't tell him, you are actually enabling SS to just get away with his deception--and the money!

I can't really give you advice because I didn't really have that problem. There were times my SDs didn't listen to me, but they kept up their grades just fine and if they had problems in school, we never heard about them.

I could tell just by the way the tone of their voice and speed of their speech changed when they were lying, but it wasn't usually consequential enough to call them on it--I didn't want them to figure out HOW I could tell because then they might figure out a way to adjust themselves to prevent detection. And I did plenty of things myself as a teenager that my parents never found out about, so.....

But your SS is flunking, lying, and OH MY GOD, having sex at his mother's house with her PERMISSION? What's wrong with her? Is that even legal? Have you checked the statutory rape statutes in your state to see whether or not he could get arrested for that?

How did you find out? Did BM actually TELL she permits him to have sex with his GF in her house, or did SS tell you to try to get you and DH to let him do the same?

No the SD told us that this was going on.. she lives with her mom.. and said that the BM just laughs and says Boys will be boys.... everything he does is "cute" he dont do ANYTHING wrong ever.. The dad disagrees about it and feels he cannot monitor the situation while hes there.. and It should be up to His mom to monitor everything he does while hes there.. but to her he cannot do any wrong and everything he does Is "cute" so she dont give a crap..its hard for us to do anything about it as it is her rules while he is there.. she believes everything he says.. I believe NOTHING he says.. sad but true.. hes the Biggest Lier I think I have ever met in my life.. you could have proof in your hand he did something and he would still lie about it.. you cannot get a straight answer from him.. AND I WOULD NEVER ALLOW HIM TO DO THAT HERE!!! hes too Young

This is more and more sounding like a DH causing problems in marriage problem rather than ss. SS will only do and get away with what he is allowed to.

Perhaps try this... sit down and write down every single thing that you can think of that your kids have done wrong in the last month or so and your reaction to it. Then do the same for ss. Are they similar reactions? Do you have similar consequences? What was the outcome of those consequences/reactions for both your kids and ss. Sometimes we get so caught up in reacting to things that it is difficult to realize when we are adding to the problem rather than solving it. Once you have done that and really evaluated if you are helping or hurting.. it is more than time to sit down and have an open conversation with DH. Saying things like I will no longer be apart of .... makes it difficult for a parent to really hear what came after the ... All they hear is you no longer want anything to do with their child. Maybe tell DH I am lost, we are lost and in the process we are not helping ss or ourselves. Try having each of you write down things like goals for your life, goals that you hope to have for ss and your own kids, things that are important to your day to day life... like it is important to me that the kids maintain x grade, it is important to me that the kids do x when they come home from school or whatever it is. Dont isolate it to ss ... make it family thing. And, do what organic said ... each of you should have lines that you just arent willing to negotiate on. Everyone does. And then try bringing these papers to each other and talk it out. It has always seemed to me that things become clearer when they are written down. Some things that seem important when you are saying it like your room needs to be cleaned everyday suddenly fall much much farther down on the list of things that are actually important when you write it down.

There is no question that there needs to be a lot of changes but it is going to take both of you openly communicating without frustration in order to sort it out.

and
"it is stupid of mom to allow haivng sex in her house. is she there when it happens? it is pretty bizzare. just wait when he knocks someone up"

I totally agree but it is just not as bizarre as it sounds unfortunately.

Been there, done that. Ultimately, there's not much you can do about SS or dad or BM. You can certainly tell them what you think, how you feel, etc. but bottom line is it is up to your husband to step up to the plate and BE THE FATHER. Once I realized both my husband and the BM were NOT being the parents and were not backing me up when I tried to do the right thing, I got out of that role. You need to decide for yourself "what's worth it", "how much is too much" and so on. My now-adult-SS continues to lie and steal from us (I've changed the locks and he can't come over unless Dad is here). Dad continues to play the role of the ever-feeling-guilty-dad for splitting up with his BM (um, over 15 years ago!!!) and keeps trying to give his son a break. SS knows what to tell dad to get what he wants, and then changes his end of the deal once he gets it. ("yes, I'll take classes this fall if you pay my rent.....oh, I've got a lot of credit card debt I want to pay off, I have to work full time and can't take classes after all")

I know there are some situations out there where the kids change and get their **** together, and there are ones that don't. You and Dad and BM have different parenting styles, with obviously different results accordingly. A friend of mine from Europe once pointed out that Americans make a huge deal out of step-parenting. I remind myself of that from time to time, remember that SS is someone else's child and I am "just" the stepmom. I finally had to make it clear what I would and would not tolerate in terms of issues very directly affecting me and my daughter (the stealing, no drugs/drinking/smoking in this house, etc.). SS now basically keeps his distance and actually treats me better than he used to. Dad stays close to him but still overlooks too much, and when it crosses the line (my line) my husband and I will still get into fights about it - but at least those fights are much smaller than they used to be. My husband is eventually getting tired of continuing to support SS, and foots the bill less and less, but still provides more than I think he should -- but then I remind myself, SS is not my kid, and the impact on me and my child is very minimal. Again, I'll come back to what I said earlier, you have to decide what is best for *you*, what are you willing to tolerate? You are just as much a part of this family as anyone and have the right to establish boundaries - and be prepared to enforce them yourself, much like you would with a room-mate. Don't imagine this will all go away, it may or may not.

Yeah I need to do something.. I gave the Information to his dad.. and he asked his son where the money went and the kid just lied again.. and nothing further was said. I figured thats how it was going to go. I know it would of been diffrent if It was one of my kids that did that.

Oh well Im gonna concentrate on my kids and ONLY on my kids.. I cannot keep stressing over him.. if his dad is not going to worry about him.. wehy would I ? Im just driving my self completley crazy with this.. and so I will just stop worring about it.

Yup thats the way to go!..if dear daddy and mommy are enablers the best and only thing you can do is protect yourself.
Are your finances together? If so...i would keep a separate account and make sure that your money is not usurped by dad for his son.
Sorry that how i feel. If dad wants to spend money on this liar its his son to do it..he loves him no matter what...but you should not be used in that manner at all.
Worse comes to worse, if he becomes a moocher tell your husband and him to pack up and go in the end. Cause if daddy supports him till college and he wont get a job and lives for another 10 years at the house??? oh boy! i would not stand for it. I have loved many men in my life, BUT not one lived with me until i was sure of it. And i have never let one use me! I have felt used due to my emotions...but money wise...uh uh..no way!
I have worked for all i've ever had. Never had hand me outs. I've worked through high school , college and university. ALL done by me.
So i honestly HATE MOOCHERS AND WILL NOT TOLERATE THEM.
If my son grows up like that...he's being shipped out to the army!
But growing up with my values....and morals..i highly doubt this kid will do that to me. I am not an enabler.
Deeannaw....draw your lines. Take care of your kids and yourself. Let your dh handle his son but make it very clear to him what you will and will not tolerate. You gave the info and he wimped out. Protect your finances from this SS. Cause he'll dig in with daddy's help.
Is the house yours? Is it in your name? In case daddy cosigns and starts paying for debts...play it safe .

No Im his 3d wife.. and this house and all his finances is in his name.. and I hear about that alot too.. This is HIS HOUSE and HIS RULES IF I DONT LIKE IT I CAN GO... soo yeah thats how it is

oh holy he**... that is just nonsense!! If my DH ever had the gaul to say something like that to me I would have left that night... packed my bags and been at a hotel or a friends house. That is just beyond low ... you are not his child you are his wife. There are much bigger issues here than just ss.

Lol.. ah...so that is why he is like this.
ARe you working? Your finances are separate?
His house eh? if youve been married for 7 years and have contributed to that household you have the right to take it back after divorce.
BUT are you willing to divorce or are you willing to wait it out in the hopes that this kids grows up and leaves?
I personally wouldn't wait but then again i dont know how much u love your dh. I dont know how much more you can stand for this.
I personal would taek the first step to disengage from his son. If yo ulove your husband and want to stay, then emotionally detach yourself from his son. And if hubby says, 'oh you dont care'. You tell him! ' i can't care if you spoon feed and believe his lies, so he's your bag to take care of emotionally and financially' Good luck and shaping and molding a liar!
And since th efinances are under his name, make sur eyou have your own finances aside and have enough to buy something when he losess the house in say 5 years for cosigning for his son and his son bails out on him.
Very sad.
I'm truly sorry that he is treating you liek this. Your husband shoudl not be putting it in your face that its his home...thats awful!

Yeah I LOVE the MAN.. or I would not still be here.. Im hoping my Husband gets tired of his sons ways and one day sees the light.. Im jut staying out of it, the best that I can.. does me no good to get involved really.. the kid since last saturday has used his concussion to really really manuipulate to an extream... everytime you have a problem with him he uses his head hurting as an opt out excuse.. so I have stayed away.. from the situation as best as I can.. its hard.. but its something I have to maintain, for me & my kids.. he will only get worse. and the dad eats up everything he says & I just cannot do that anymore.. all wekk I have just concentrated on me and my kids.. I did not go to a wrestling meet last night ( even though the stepson was not in it ) he was there for the team... and my hubby left to go over & support the team I stayed home and helped my Kids with home work.. and what not... =) Im just trying to concentrate on them..

I suppose that you need to step back and with integrity, really look hard at your part in this. As in...do you pick on him? Do you focus on his mistakes and flaws, while ignoring those of your own children? Are you fair?

On Monday, January 26 you wrote that you wondered if you are the problem, and are made to feel that you are picking on him.

I would challenge you to have the integrity to really look at yourself honestly. It is too easy for all of us to tell you what you want to hear, without knowing any of you, and without knowing how you treat and respond to "HIS" kids.

I am writing this not because I think you pick on him, (none of us have any idea if you do) but because you should have the courage to actually consider if what your DH and SS say has any truth in it.

And second, because I know someone who is so partial to her kids, ignoring everything wrong they do, and hyper-tuned in to the slightest infraction from "those other kids". They can barely do ANYTHING right in her eyes. She is so blatantly unjust, and she can't see it.

On the other hand, you have a situation where you have a 16 year old who is involved in things you don't want your kids influenced by, and yet he lives in the same house. And neither of his parents really see anything wrong with what he is doing. For this, I would contact a professional counselor to get some feedback on how to parent your kids differently, in a step-family where 1/2 of the family holds different rules and values. How to navigate within a household where it surely comes down to your kids/his kids, with very different opinions as to how each set of kids should be raised...even within your own household...let alone with the homes of the other set of bio-parents.

This would be well worth a few sessions with a professional specializing in blended families.

I dont feel like Im picking on Him.. I have the same set of rules and expectations for our household.. and No matter who's Kids it is.. I dont look at them any diffrent... I treat them all the same and expect respect from them... But I can control my kids... and My kids respect me and listen to me... If I tell them to take the Garbage out they get right up and do it.. I have no problem with disicipline with my own kids.. but If I was to tell his son to take the garbage out.. he would sit and wait.. testing my patience.. an then find a excuse as to why he cannot do that.. soo It may seem Im only bringing up problems that I have with HIM.. because he is the only one that disrespects authority.. and goes against the grain.. and gets away with it.. Im not trying to come across as "picking on him" im trying to establish hes the only child NOT DOING WHAT THIER TOLD.. breaking every rule in this house.. and if it was my kids.. I would be ashamed.. and it would not continue.. But there is the diffrence I have Taught my kids respect adults and if someone asks you to do something get up and do it.. the X box and cell phones can wait.. My 15 yr old son has a part time job that he has maintained for 2 years.. and he saves every dime.. He respects adults and does not "talk" back.. If he did he Knows he would be corrected.. If he breaks a rule.. and I tell him that I will take his cell phone thats exzactly what happens.. I do not threaten my kids with "DRY" threats If I say Im gonna do something I do.. thats how It should be.. I could care less that the 16 yr olds not mine.. or who HIS parents are.. He lives In this house and should follow rules.. soooo I guess If thats Picking on the bad seed then I guess I am..

I am in the exact same position and I'm about to go crazy! My stepson's mother died a few years ago but besides that, you are telling my same story exactly. I'm so sorry and I completely understand your pain.