hahaha buy a new car get a custom plate .. CHDSPRT (child support) when mom was being a crank about how we spent "her" money ... even though it had been 18 months since she paid a dime! its what I told hubby I wanted to do when they took her taxes use the money for a down payment!

listening to SS14 repeatedly when he was about 9 saying my mom pays support so you have to buy me anything I want ... I snapped and said you'll be the first to know when your mom does pay support you will finally get new shoes, a haircut and other stuff you need not stuff you want!

you are not alone but you have to start laughing at her ignorance or something its has taken me a long time to get where I am but what mom does ... doesn't get to me as much anymore ... don't get me wrong there are days when I just have to say how f'n dumb does she think we are but most of the time like her daughter she is predictable ... hubby was in the hospital for 10+ days and she managed to make it all about her what was she gonna do, how was she gonna tell her children, how much of a burden it was to be the only parent doing for them, 10 days really wow what a burden, considering I had SS14 and SS16 5 of those days must have been really tough on her! ... it must have been hahaha she had SD 10 days in a row. oops!

Ok take a deep breath ... Release ... And again... Release ...

First of all, I cringed through your entire post because I know it's difficult and it's frustrating. You and your dh are going to have to get to a point where you do not rely on BM and the support and you are going to have to get to a point where when you do get it, it's just extra. I know that is easier said than done but you are going to have to.

That poor boy is pulled between two households that blame each other, you are both putting him in the middle, guilting him: both sides. Your dh told him its his mom's fault that you never get to do anything because she never pays child support? My daughter only learned about child support because ex decided to tell her, 'I pay your mom a lot of money'. Not fair to a kid!!
My dad used to do the whole, I'm paying for that car, I'm paying for that house and do you know how guilty it made me feel? I was right in the middle. Then I had to hear my mom complain that dad's new kids have more than we do because he doesn't pay support on time and sometimes never. Then I heard the inevitable ' ask your dad to pay for it since he doesn't pay his support he should be able to pay for a hair cut'. My brother and sister and I have all talked about how our parents always put us in the middle of their money struggles between each other and it was so unfair to us!

Dd always brings home things my ds doesn't have. It's the nature of the beast. She goes on vacations with her dad and brings home souviniers that my ds doesn't get. That is just how it is. They would send home goody bags for Easter or birthdays or Christmas, Halloween and my dd flaunts it (never on purpose, she's just a kid) but its not 'fair' to my ds. But it's also not fair to dd to have to hide what she gets from HER dad. He never pays his medical bills, I pay every dime because he refuses. But he does other things and in the back of my mind I think, I could have taken my family to see that new movie but instead I took dd to the dr and spent $40 on a copay and $35 on an Rx... But it's not dd's fault. My dd goes to six flags every weekend. We can't afford season passes for our entire family. She is constantly talking about her trips to six flags. We aren't jealous or mad. It's not dd's fault and if I raise my son to see what dd gets from her dad as dd's fault then I'm breeding sibling rivalry that will last into their adult years and ruin their relationships for ever. I think you should re read your post and think about the message you are sending to your kids. You can't control bm but you must stop holding SS responsible for her behavior. You are going to have a very messed up young man because he is going back and forth between two places where he isn't secure. He is going to shelter himself eventually from both of your games.

I got nothin but love for ya momof3 but I'd be a bad person to AG you on and not tell you what I'm reading. You are going to have to get this under control within you. You are going to end up with ulcers or a heart attack from anxiety. And SS is really going to be the one to suffer.

Pseudo... excellant idea!!! I just may have to do that as well! That'd be so funny!

Myfam.... We have NEVER said anything like that to ss before. DH was just done with her. He's been fighting her all week about stuff. I really don't "count" on her money. I only "count" on ds16's support because it's reliable. I just don't think it's right that she is spending all this money to look like the hero and not really doing what she's supposed to be doing.

I know dh, I know he didn't come right out and say... "look your mom is a pos"... I'm 100% sure he did this tactfully. Also, we don't try to get the kids to hate each other over what they get. I had never even mentioned it before to them.... then this year my ds9 brought it up himself. He said he didn't think it was fair that ss gets 2 big gifts every year and all these extra things. I just told him it was life... and he's lucky that his parents live together cause that's better in the long run. BUT... you know kids are kids. Ds9 sees this. I would love to be able to go out and get my kids some "extra" things. BUT.... if I even so much as buy one of them socks or underware ss asks where his is. If I do this most of the time I try to sneak it to them.... but sometimes there's just no hiding it. Plus I like treating them all equally. I feel like bm did this intentionally. Especially because last week when dh spoke to ss on the phone ss told him there was one gift he couldn't tell him about. So you know darn well that bm told him that dh was going to be mad that she bought that. Especially when she also knew darn well she was so behind on support and she is fighting the braces fee.

I'm totally wanting to send her a bill. A bill for my services that I provide to her son because I love him. (Wouldn't that just be kinda funny?)

Get her out of your head! ... you are going to make yourself nutz... who gives a "S" she bought him a comp ... great now homework should be a breeze :) you know she is only going to take it away from him when he pisses her off .... my SK's mom buys all kinds of electronics ... but the minute they get under her skin she takes it all back guilt trips them with I love you and this is how you treat me bull ... i did this for you and this is how you treat me ... i went without so you could have and this is the thanks I get

your SS sees the differences ... did you say wow thats so cool you got a comp show me what you can do on it or ... wow thats nice you got a comp and walked away.

Psuedo.... I am still at work. I haven't seen it yet. I work 12 hour shifts on the weekend.

She only spoils... or just neglects him. She's never taken anything away from him. It keeps him busy and out of her hair.

It's not up to his mom to be equal with YOUR kids. They are not her kids and she doesn't have to worry about what you are getting them or not. At least she got him something. My dd has plenty of electronics that my ds doesn't have. And she has double at dad's. I can't compete with what they do at their house or i would go nuts! I can't hide things from my dd because she got something at her dad's. You may not be telling your kids to hate what SS gets from his mom but by saying 'it's life' you are saying that. What you should say is, ' his parents aren't together so he gets two gifts if they were together he would only get one'. It's not life it's divorce and blended families and you should be excited for SS not pissed that he got something. He can't tell you about one of his gifts because you would flip and he knows it. You said yourself that dh told him we can't do fun things because your mom doesn't pay her support. She doesn't pay that much so what is it exactly that the kid is missing on $50 or whatever $s a week. Keep him out of it. Don't even tell him. Don't make him feel bad about his gifts. I agree - show some excitement. We do it every single time dd comes home. The kid will never know that her dad doesn't support her medically. She shouldnt have to live with that burden. When a child knows that one parent is so angry at the other for whatever reason, they internalize that, they feel like that is what you see when you see him. A piece of junk like his mom.

I understand that she's not going to make anything fair for my kids.... BUT her not paying her support and her not paying for any medical bills or helping pay for extracuricular or even buying him any clothes for Christmas or any other time of the year isn't her taking care of him. All she's doing is giving him what he WANTS, not what he NEEDS.

I talked to dh last night and asked about the conversation. He was really really upset because bm kept telling him ss didn't want to come home or be with him and he didn't care about dh. Also that she does NOT want ss in braces. So, dh was VERY good about the conversation. He just told ss that he felt like his mom was making him feel like ss didn't want to be with him anymore. He explained to ss that ss doesn't need a 37 year old best friend, he needs a father. A father that is raising him to be the good man he wants him to be as an adult. With that comes rules. SS then told him he has NO rules with bm. So dh explained that that's why ss doesn't like his step brother there at all. Because he has no rules and it makes him annoying. SS agreed with this. He asked ss if he wanted his braces put on tomorrow. SS said he absolutely did want them, that he wants his teeth fixed. Dh didn't really have to tell him his mom was against it because she did that herself. Dh told him that he understands that a kid needs his mother as well but that while he wasn't with her that I could and would do anything for him. He said he knows that. As soon as I walked in the door last night he ran down to see me. I was happy to see him, it's like a relief having him home..... but I was terribly sick last night when I got home, still am... but here I am at work.

But think about it myfam, your dd gets upset because she has to watch her step sister do all her activities and she doesn't get to. That's kind of like what it is with ss getting all these extravagant gifts. I have NEVER been upset about these gifts until this year when she's basically slacked off with her contributions to raising him.

SS asked dh last night when he starts basketball again. Dh told him end of this month. Dh asked him if his mom was going to come a game this time. He said he didn't know. Dh said.... well if she's not going to help pay for it the least she could do is get her butt here to watch you play. I do believe that is the only thing totally negative that dh said to him. I didn't say one word. This isn't something I think ss takes to heart. He wants his mom there to watch him and he's begged her.... so he smiled really big and said yeah no kidding. I think maybe with dh saying it ss knows he's not being out of line in thinking she should come watch. BTW.... she will never come watch. She won't step foot in our town.

There seems to be a lot of competition going on between siblings. Seriously, why are you allowing the kids to guilt trip you over every little thing right down to 'he got socks, where is mine'? I 'get' the wanting to treat kids equally bit...meaning you would not spend $10 on one pair of child's shoes while you spend $125 on the another child's shoes and exclaiming you got Kid One nicer shoes because Kid One deserves nicer shoes than Kid Two...but I don't think each kid should be expecting to get something each and everytime another kid needs something.

I think you also have to take into consideration that the boys and you/Dad make choices. Unless your family has a money tree growing outside your door where you can just run out and pluck off endless amounts of cash, it's time the children realize they can't always have EVERYTHING. Example, you're putting all four boys through several different sporting programs. Each sport for each kid means x amount of money for participation and equipment/gear. If they did not perhaps choose to play in all the sports they would all have laptops instead (or went out and did 'fun stuff', I thought doing the sports was fun and exactly what they wanted to do and in reality that's true!). A choice was made. The choice and priority of the cash went to what they wanted and enjoy. If they wanted laptops instead they could have had them. But instead now that they did get and enjoy what they choose they've decided that they want EVERYTHING instead. Let them add up the actual cost of their choosen activity...the participation fees, the gear, the traveling expense blah blah...I'll bet the kids will quickly see that mean old not fun Dad/you could have instead bought them all two laptops a piece but instead gave them exactly what they wanted. Or braces. You're chosen to give your kids a chance to have perfect teeth/smiles. That's not cheap and it's something that will benefit them and last much longer than a laptop ever would.

There is always going to be somebody who has something you don't. A bigger house, a nicer vehicle, more spending money, exciting vacations every few months and on and on it will go.

Your one biofather of the child who does pay his CS, if this father had not only paid his CS but had also purchased his son a laptop, how would you feel about that? Yes, I read he gave son nothing, but what if he had? Would you feel the same anger towards him that you've got going on towards BM? You can't control what an opposite household gifts their child with. Last I heard (it may be more now) Bm was like $800 behind in CS. That $800 if paid promptly and in full would not have purchased three laptops...as Myfam pointed out, another $200 or so a month is not going to make all that much differences .

Somehow, and I don't know how to help you on this one, you've got to put the CS (or lack of) into perspective of what your entire choices and demands of your household budget are. Is there anywhere in your household budget tht you can begin to pinch a few more cents? You've got five 'men' who need regular haircuts a simple soultion to that cost might be a purchase a decent pair of trimmer with a 'do it yourself' video and learn how. Downsize the amount of clothing cost by only buying clearance, outlet stores, browsing goodwill even (don't cringe, there really are some cool things in those places).

I hope you're feeling better today. All you can really do is control what you can control and learn to not obsess over things you can't.

JMT, I understand that yes, we put these kids in what they want to be put in. AND, yes the baseball is terribly expensive.... more so for my ds11.... because he's in travel ball. (He's truly a star athlete... yes I'm VERY proud) The kids don't compete in the fact that if someone needs equipment then they'll get it when they need it. Last year ds16 wasn't able to play baseball because of his elbow surgery so we divided his stuff up to the younger ones. Now this year I will have to buy him a new mit. He already bought himself a $300 bat. (He's got a job) Ds16 never ever ever says anything about the other's getting something and not him. Ds11 is pretty even keel as well. SS is one of those kids who came from being an only child (with his mom) to having to live with 3 others full time. He's a bit spoiled and we are working on that. When I bought the socks/underware for ds11 and he asked where his were I told him I only bought them because ds11 needed them badly and I found them on clearance. (I absolutely ALWAYS shop the sales, NEVER EVER EVER buy anything full price...... you should see the money I saved on Christmas gifts with coupons!!! I'm truely a good shopper!)

I understand that bm's support isn't going to make us rich. BUT... if she did what we did when she had him it would certainly help out. She would moan and groan and gripe to dh until he helped her out. Whether that be with a hair cut or with extracuricular. Plus when he was a baby we took him to more appointments then she did and bought more meds then she did. Since we've had him she hasn't helped one ounce in any of these circumstances. As I thought, he didn't come home with any new clothes from her for Christmas. When she had him he would go home with piles of clothes from Christmas. She rarely had to buy him a whole lot.

Plus, I don't care how much behind she is, she is behind and she's not paying for didly squat else. When someone is absolutely NOT helping with the necesities of a kids life they shouldn't be able to buy their love like this.

Ds16's dad..... had he bought him a laptop, NO I would NOT have been the least bit upset. Simply because, if I call him to help me out with something he almost always says yes. He comes all the way at times to pick ds16 up or drop him off.... without griping. He's bought him socks, shirts, pants, a coat in the last year. He's taken ds16 for a haircut. He pays his support regularly. His isn't a whole lot more then bm's. So it's not life or death if he doesn't pay either. He has kept up with supporting ds16 which is probably why he couldn't afford to get him something for Christmas..... yes, that still upsets me greatly..... but I see it as two totally differant circumstances. If ds16's dad bought him a laptop it would make up for the past 3 years of nothing at Christmas.... PLUS they have promised him a laptop for the past 2 Christmas's and birthdays. (Well, his sm has promised.... she's a whole other story)

What I'm saying here is...... I never would have cared if bm bought ss that laptop IF she was current, IF she was helping with extracuricular, IF she was helping just in general..... and NOT trying to get out of paying for a very much needed medical expense. If she had paid her medical from last year and helped with all the extracuricular and been current on support, that's much more then the $850 in support she owes and yes, I could have bought three laptops with that. (Like I said, deal shopper here)

Last year she told us she was buying him the ipod touch. We went and bought the other's the same gift so no one would feel bad. We bought him the DSI XL.... so he got an equally great gift. This year she totally threw us under the bus trying to one up us and trying to make her kid look superior. AND trying to maker herself look grand in his eyes. With what I spent on each kid for Christmas, had I known, I could have absolutely bought them that gift as well. Every other year she's told us what she was doing. This year because she knew she was behind and knew she hadn't done squat for him to help raise him the past year she hid it so she could look like God in his eyes.

I feel like if I let her go with the support thing, I should probably let ds16's dad go too. PLUS I should probably go ask the state to just let ds11's bd out of jail and forget the whole $13000 he owes me. I'm not letting one get away with what I haven't let the others. I so wish you guys could just meet this horrific woman. The first glance and the first word out of her mouth and you all would be cringing too.

My mother-in-law used to say there is NO way her son was sober with that one. LOL! She's right though, he wasn't. Who is the one counting down days?

Cause I've got 2800 days today left till he's 18. BUT my count down isn't to rid myself of him.... I love him. It's to rid myself of her.

Oh.... one other thing. In Indiana you are allowed to receive a review of your support every two years. It'll change if it's changeable by 20%, if not it stays the same. DH WILL BE asking for a review in October. Obviously bm is making more money then when she didn't have a job when we got custody. So in October she should be required to begin paying more support. This isn't to be vindictive.... it's to MAKE her help with her son.

"This isn't to be vindictive.... it's to MAKE her help with her son."

If it's not to be vindictive, then let it go... and I'm not talking about the review. If there's grounds to modify, by all means get an order for the correct amount and let it accumulate, just don't count on it. I mean for you to let the resentment go. The resentment you have for the shoe being on the other foot now and she isn't doing what she demanded when it was on her foot. (I recall SD's BM demanding DH write her a check the day she got the order from the court ~at the end of the month~ but the order was effective the first of that month, so it was due but he didn't know how much to pay her until the order was made. She told him he was in arrears & basically tried to make him feel like a deadbeat. A month later, she had moved away & left her kid with us... and getting her to pay any support has been like pulling teeth. First she told him she can't pay because she isn't working and we are. We have more money than she does. Then, she had another baby & told DH that she can't pay because she has another mouth to feed. I feel sorry for ALL her kids because she doesn't have kids to love & cherish, she feels no obligation to support them, she has them to hang on to the guy she's with... and this is the third time she's done it) You should be proud of your husband and yourself for being the kind of parents your kids deserve. She is not. That's on her. She can't BUY their love... she can try to and if their love can be bought, that is a shame. In 10 years, the kids are not going to love one over the other because they bought them things, but they will grow into adults that will hopefully know the difference between who was responsible and saccrificed for them and who didn't. And if they don't figure it out, you can't control that either.

I am finding out the hard way that some kids will chase after the lousy parent, trying to get them to love them & be the parent they want them to be... and it hurts because I was the responsible parent that would lay down my life for my kids. Sometimes no matter how much you do for them, they NEED to feel loved by their other parent and they will seek it out. If getting a laptop from mom makes them feel mom cares about them, then that is good for them. It is not good for you or your husband and that sucks but telling them how much you do and how little their mom does is not going to make them dislike her and appreciate what you do... it will actually have the opposite effect. They will try harder to get mom to care. They may also resent the person that tells them she doesn't care enough to do what she should. In the end, chances are the kids will become parents someday and should, at that point, realize that they would not let their kids go without or they would never do what their mom did... and they will see it for what it is.

and you can't get rid of her without being rid of him. She will be the grandmother to his children, she will be at graduations, weddings, babies births, birthdays, funerals, etc. She will be a part of his life and as such, will never be gone completely from yours. My parents have been divorced 25+ years, kids are all in the 40's and still they now see each other when grandkids get married, great grandkids are born, etc. (Of course you won't have to deal with her demands... but then again, kids will have to choose what to do during the holidays & it really never goes away)

Anyways, all I can share is my experiences because I remember a time when I felt just like you do. Then my kids grew up and I realize now that my son's father did not crawl under a rock when my son turned 18. When I had to get guardianship of DGS, I had to notify him and he even demanded visitation with DGS. I told him to come to the hearing if he wants the court to consider giving him visitation. He couldn't come to the hearing because he has no car... and I live 3 hours away from him. Um, how did he intend to have visitation? He probably wanted me to provide the transportation.... haha.

And my son's father never paid his child support. My son is going to be 25 in a week. DCSS is taking his father to court at the end of this month to make him seek work... it's laughable. He will never pay & my son knows what a POS his dad is... he saw his dad beating on his SM, never support him or his brother, buying him new video games to "buy" his love but then selling them when they needed money... and yet, my son is currently staying with that side of the family because I told him that when he came back from the Army, he needs to get a job & an apartment near me so he can spend time with his son & take over being the parent. My son decided it was easier to live there where nothing is expected of him... he also still gets paid by the military for the next couple of months (he got out early because he accumulated leave so he is actually considered on leave right now) so he has $$$... they let him stay as long as he has $$$ but when he runs out of money, he's gotta go. He got $20k from an accident settlement a few years ago, after he turned 18. He went to see his dad & ended up blowing all his money in less than a month... took his cousins to Vegas & got to be the big shot. When he ran out of money, they had no room for him anymore. That is what they are all about and he still vies for the attention from them... wanting them to actually care about him. It kills me to see him treated like that but there is nothing I can do... except do all I can to protect my DGS2 from being sucked into that too.

I guarantee that in 10 years, the things that eat away at you today will be insignificant. All I can suggest is that you and your DH continue to be the parents you need to be and be proud of what you do... it's all you CAN do.

I guess I'm just not understanding this about the extra curricular activities. Why is mom asked to help pay any of it? Is it in the order? My ex would laugh at me and so would the judge if I even brought that up.

Yes momof3 you are right. My dd hates siting and watching stepsister do activities but that's not my ship to navigate. I don't care if ex and his wife cause sibling rivalry between those two girls. Not my problem. It's my Job to worry about MY kids and to keep them from hating each other. So my ds from day one has been taught that dd goes with her dad and he buys her things because he is her daddy. And he doesn't seem bothered. Where I would be going wrong is going off and buying ds a new toy every time dd got one from her dad. Now that's just silly.
You said that your kids always want to know why SS gets two big gifts for Christmas and that its not fair to them that she buys these extravagant gifts for him but doesn't pay her support on time and is currently behind. I'd much rather the parent buy the kid a gift for Christmas honestly ... My dd got a Santa gift and one small gift from her dad while stepsister got much more. My dd was ok with that because she knew she got a lot of stuff here. But he got her something - I wish he would have treated those two fairly but I can't control that but here in this house, my kids are treated fairly. I didn't get her the gift dad got her or the bag of m&m's so I can't be held responsible for it. I can't be told 'it's not fair!' because I didn't do it... It was out of my control. You are just going to have to let it go. The comment about 'she didn't help pay the least she could do is show up'. Yep.. My mom said that same crap to me and yep I smiled and laughed it off cause what else do you do? What an uncomfortable moment. But I tell you what... Growing up with that stuff spewing out from my parents made me realize that all of the mess I have going on in my life... All of the confusion, daddy issues, money issues, self esteem issues- it was because my parents could not keep me out of these drama! They constantly had to make these comments to stab at each other through me. You might not agree with me but keep it up, one day that kid is going to grow into a man and he is going to tell you, when you said those things it made me feel bad about myself and that's why I always felt sorry for my mom because all you did was bad mouth her about money and I just couldn't deal with it. And now I see a therapist because both sides did this back and forth and I'm needing a therapist to help me sort it out. I can't make good relationships because my parents were constantly saying things about the other.

You just wait. I've lived this life. And I barely survived.

Something else as this has been weighing on my heart ...

Momof3 your SS is going to know when he is older that you were the one that was there for him. He is going to know that his mom didn't want him to have braces and he will know that she never came to anything and she moved away from him, he will know that she always made him feel guilty and that he had to pick sides and he was told things he shouldn't have been and she will have her day with him. He is going to ask her, why wasn't I good enough for you why didn't you love me enough. That is going to be on her and he will remember that dad and Momof3 did everything to show him he was loved and put him through baseball and was at every practice every game. In time, once he is older, he will know. But there will still be that small part of him that will wonder why did I have to know so much as a kid? The burden was so strong. Why did they tell me those things and like me he will cringe just thinking of it. He was such a financial burden to both of his parents that it caused fighting and caused him to be pulled between these two families. I hope you can understand why I'm saying what I am saying. And it's more for you than even for him. My mom has been divorced for 30 years and she carries such a grudge. I jus want her to be free of it. I want her to be healthy and light hearted but this pain my father inflicted on her and our family, it's still there and she won't let it go. I have no Desire to know my father but my siblings do and at every turn there's my mom with her grudge and her reminders of what he never did for us and what he did to us ... It's exhausting. You got to learn to let it go. Therapy. I shout it to the world. Therapy!