Heed my warning:Keep your house!
Seriousy, he will have to man up and make them clean the house up and clean after themselves. Frankly I think you should wait til the kids are grown and out. Why make your daily exhistance about being the housekeeper? I promise you once you move in if this situation isn't dealt with hard and swift by you STBDH that's what you'll end up doing.
If he can't say no or make any house rules for them now watch out!

There is nothing YOU can do but think twice & keep your own place for now. HE must parent his kids (if he wants to of course).

-Cat

I have to say I have a daughter who was/somewhat still is very messy. I did struggle with her a lot...I have to say she was not allowed to make a mess in a living room or any public areas and she followed that, but she made a mess out of her room on a regular basis.

I think his sons should not allowed to make a mess in public areas and they have to have chores, but it is nothing you can do, frustrating. On the other hand it is his house, you don't live there, nothing you can or should do.

My DD is still somewhat messy but she does not live at home anymore and now is making mess in her own place LOL She did get much better though.

One day these boys will be out on their own, maybe it wiser to wait till they grown to move in together (18-year-old is probably going to start college soon?). They are too grown to start disciplining them now and they are not your kids, I agree with catlettuce, keep your house for now.

I know it is frustrating.

I certainly do not suggest you break up over this minor issue but you must talk to your fiancee now that you cannot live like a pig if you get married. It will be too late if you do get married. See what he says.

See this is why I always come to this site- very helpful !!!Cat & Dream---my guy is in the movie business and the 18 yr old is working with him as its VERY big $$- NO college and I don't get into it with him about that as we don't agree in this area. I must add I grew up with the stepfather from HELL since I was 8 yrs old and I have taken alot away from that awful experience- that I can only be friends with the boys ,IM NOT their mother...I call their house a " Man Cave " and I dont see these kids moving out anytime soon. Why should they? its a good deal. OK I'm going to think about this today-I know I was a PIG but in MY room only-and I told my guy I shut their doors when they aren't home as its their domain. I am there alot and clean alot- I hate the mess-but LOVE the guy---ugh!

Yeah, I'd stay in my own home for a time. I assume the BF cleans and picks up after himself? Does the mess bother the BF or just you? Asking cause even if the boys move on someday, are you going to be 24/7 maid to the BF/husband?

I'd be honest with the BF about the boys, they're well behaved, mannered, enjoyable delights, but you can't live in an environment of total pig sty and that you'd just as soon not race into any arrangement that would subject you to it on a daily basis (I'd also keep an eye on the BF's own living habits, you want to be a GF and wife, not a grown man's maid/nanny).

My oldest son now almost 33 could be a bit of a slob, but it had to be kept to his own room. Almost funny in that during HS years his room was scary but when he moved out and first got own apartment and then married, he's a regular Mr Neat and Clean. He had to be neat and clean in the community areas of my home..no rotting half eaten food in his room, no garbage so that a little mouse might want to move in and live in his room if one managed to get in the attic and sniff it through the attic door, dishes taken up had to be returned when finished, that type of thing.

He could toss laundry all over his room if he wanted to, but I never went to go find it, it just didn't get washed unless it made it to laundry room. He was not so much dirty as he was cluttered. Books scattered across his school work area, crumpled paper tossed around his desk, a tee hanging over his computer monitor and the lounge chair covered in about a weeks worth of jeans and tops. He did manange to take his used underclothes to the laundry daily, guess even my slob did not wanna smell up his palace. Opening his closet door could be a trying experience so I avoided going near that to return an item, just laid things neatly on his unmade bed ( I was not his maid, I provided clean sheets to his room and would turn and leave, he knew how to change and make a bed)

When son married a young lady from a different country and different ways of household life, the DIL kept asking me if she was doing something wrong. Her husband was cleaning house, helping with meals, and whatnot even when she said 'no that's my job'. So my slob just turned out to be a temporary slob and only in his personal bedroom and when it comes to his own home he now it's pretty much spotless.

I would hope that BF is working with the boys in other ways like making them do their homework so they can enter higher education and guiding their career choice their along with their school guidence leader, maybe working part-time to learn responsibility and prepare for young adulthood? You'd certainly not want the boys to be helpless and grown men still living at home.

Well, if it's very big money, your fiance could always hire someone to clean and keep things straight. Not a nanny-- a cleaner or cleaning service of some sort. I doubt the boys (including your fiance) are going to change their habits on their own. And since you say that you and your fiance don't agree in this area, it's unlikely that he's going to push his sons to behave differently. Even if he did, they would correctly see it as being driven by you and would probably resent it.

It may not be doing any favors to the boys' development as responsible adults, but it's not like their dad sees their keeping things clean as a priority. Your fiance hiring a cleaner would probably be the easiest fix, at least in terms of maintaining good relations all around. (And if you two get married, I would make it clear that he needs to keep having a cleaner even after you're married. Because if it were me, I would resent marrying into cleaning up after three able-bodied guys. Keeping the cleaner after marriage would keep me from getting mad about it.)

agree with others that they should be able to afford cleaning service then if they have money, you don't have to be the one to clean all the time.

You have to decide what is the deal breaker for you and what you can live with, I like house to be clean but I know i can put up with mess if the person is nice, there are other things i cannot put up with. Messiness around the house is not a deal breaker for me but if a person is not neat with his own body, doesn't take showers, doesn't wash his clothes or smells bad then yes it is a deal breaker.

Decide for yourself what you are willing to put up with and what is your limit. be honest with yourself.

PS I dated a guy once awhile ago who had the neatest and cleanest house, but he himself didn't take regular showers (none on the weekends only when went to work), his clothes was dirty and he showed up to a family party once in sweat suit covered with cat hair. He was smart educated and had money. why he kept his house clean and himself dirty was beyond me. I left him for different reasons but his lack of hygiene played its role; it was one of the symptoms of selfishness.

Yes !!! he can totally afford a housekeeper-we've already talked about it. I never dated a man with kids living at home and I need to chill-lol!!! Dream I too live in a clean home for many years ( since My own kids moved out) 10 years now. Its funny you mention the hygiene as 1 son- 15 yr old takes 1 hr showers daily- and the 18 yr old take 1 shower a week-??weird....but my guy is clean and he cleans and cooks and shops plus runs a movie crew -its all new to him as the boys use to live in FL with Mom and spent summers & holidays w/ Dad now its reversed so the Dad is trying to figure out how to raise the kids- but they are spoiled- yet very polite and kind, not brats at all. I'm learning to not help as much-(its hard) and I'll see about the housekeeper- thats the best solution-even though the kids will still be (nice) PIGS lol TY all NJ