I'm not sure modelling a loveless marriage is good for your boys' upbringing either. And while you and your husband may be outwardly cordial to each other, I'm sure especially as they get older that they'll pick up on the vibe.
Have you considered asking your psychologist (or another counsellor) what would be in your boys' best interest? If you can co-parent amicably, and be open to the other partner finding happiness elsewhere in the future, I think it would be a better example for your boys, that it's OK to admit you made a mistake, and move on, than to hang on grimly and possibly end up even resenting your boys in the back of your mind for being the reason you stay in an unhappy situation.
As the child of parents with a poor relationship as a teen it was actually a relief when my parents split up, the lack of tension was palpable and welcome.

I get the sense you would be competent co-parents together.

Worrying about what happens next, future relationships, etc, isnt worth it right now. You can't tell what will happen. If you are basing your decision on having some sense of security, you need to realize that there is a certain amount of risk involved here. There will definitely be a certain amount of unknown. As long as your children remain your #1 priority, it could end up being the best adventure you ever embarked upon.

Have you and your spouse ever discussed separating and its ramificaitons?

Well if you decide you are going to wait until your kids are grown you have at least 7 years til the youngest is off to university. Since you two are co existing peacefully is this something you can manage or will it make you regretful & resentful? Something to ponder.

Whatever you decide just put the kids first and it sounds as if you are. What does your DH think about it (assuming from your post you both have discussed seperation)? As far as in the future and getting into a stepfamily situation, I certainly wouldn't recommend it.

~Cat

i think waiting until kids are grown is not very wise because they certainly won't appreciate it, they don't need parents to suffer for their sake...but then again i won't advice divorce absent abuse or addictions. i don't believe in soul mates so maybe it is just that romance is gone but did you try to revive it? bottom line: if you decide to separate then do it now. don't wait, waiting only makes sense if you want to stay together.

"Life is too short to spend it with someone you dont believe is your soulmate."

(This is my reaction midway through your post.) This reeks of magical thinking -- of an overly-romanticized vision of what your life should be with the 'correct' partner. In other words, that since you don't feel your husband is your 'soulmate', that you picked the wrong man and are therefore doomed to a life of misery and emptiness, as long as you stay married to him. This also suggests that the only thing standing between yourself and true happiness is your husband and the mess of a divorce. That somewhere out there, there's a patch of grass that for you, is perfectly green...

Nonsense!

"My husband is a truly nice person and he would say the same about me. We just have grown apart over the years and are not interested in the same things anymore. Our only common goal is the wellbeing of our boys and their future."

These are not small things! Please don't tag them on as if they were.
(I'm very happily married to a wonderful man. But he's not my soulmate, and he's not perfect. And somewhere out there, there's probably someone who is a better fit for me. But I'm still very happily married to a wonderful man, and together, we have a lovely family and a very good life. Which set of thoughts is more conducive to my happiness? -- the 'not my soulmate' or 'wonderful man'?)

"My mother tells me to wait until the boys are grown, educated and settled and then leave. "

Your mother loves you absolutely, knows you and your husband well, and clearly wants the best for you and your children. She also has a few decades of wisdom on you, and is not blind to the fact that at 50-ish, your odds of finding another man are smaller than they are at young-40-something. (Aggravating and unfair, but a simple fact -- might as well say so.)

So should you just "wait your life away"? (Great turn of phrase, by the way.) I'd say NO! Absolutely not!
But does that mean you have to end your marriage? Also No - absolutely not.

I'd suggest that each of you start rebuilding your own individual lives NOW, while you are still married. Follow your outside interests, nurture your passions, become who you want to be. Do everything short of dating others. Stop expecting each other to fill all of your silly romantic dreams and set off on filling your own lives. Continue living together, being kind to each other, and parenting your children. But ALSO develop your own interests. You don't have to grow together; you can even grow apart -- so long as you both keep growing.

This next part may sound weird, but I'd also recommend that you document this decision in wirting. State that your marriage is unfulfilling, that you've been in counselling for a while, and that you are now both deciding to make some changes to try to make things better. Agree on a set of ground rules with your husband - sign and date it, then file it away. Then pull it out again in 6-12 months and update it. The time may come when you do decide to separate, or you do agree to date others, and if that happens, and if the decision is mutual, having that piece of paper will offer some degree of protection against either of you viciously blaming the other. If you do divorce, you can know that you tried everything you could think of to improve your marriage, and you might even decide to pull out that paper and share it with your kids. It may also prevent future acrimonious misunderstandings by spelling out what is and is not acceptable in your individual pursuits of happiness.

One other thought -- You may be seeing the wrong therapist, if it hasn't helped more. Perhaps another therapist might have some other ideas.

Thank you for all your replies - and what a well thought out and insightful reply Sweeby. You always give such good advice:)

I guess you are right - after couple of decades together, I am well and truly past the stage of the honeymoon period, and am wondering "Is this what it is? Would I be happier being single?"

These sort of decisions would be a no-brainer if there were any type of abuse, infidelity or deceit. But there isn't. Truly not - just a deep down wondering "Is this what its like for everyone?"

I am well aware (certainly after a year of therapy!) of my strong perfectionist nature and my tendency to project that onto others - especially my husband. So he may never be perfect, but then I am well aware that no-one else may be either.But he may also find someone far less critical of him than I, and then Hello! my children have a step mother-maybe someone I really didn't like! If I thought I had issues before - I would surely have them then huh?

I have been working hard with CBT to address these issues (and my husband has been working too on his), but changes to ones personality is slow and I wonder if it ever really happens?

Reading this forum may seem strange given I am not in a step situation, but it has given me great insight into the situation many of you find yourselves in and quite often through no fault of your own. I admire your strengths and abilites in managing such challenges

You see why I would hesitate to voluntarily place our children into such a situation if I dont need to?

My husband is a lovely man, a great dad and a good provider. I need to try again to focus on the positives and not so much the negatives, huh? Yes he and I have discussed separating, and he firmly does not want to. In fact he repeatedly tells me he is very happy with me , loves me dearly and just wants me to be happy.

Wish I could figure out what my itch was and how to scratch it. And if scratching it would open up a new whole new wound!

Thanks for listening...

Neither TOS nor I had the option of staying in marriage. MY DD certainly wishes we did. Only you can decide -- are you looking for something that you will never find (your youth?)? Why dont you take a baby step? Whatever your interests are that you dont share, why dont you both see if you can agree on time each can pursue? He plays golf, you play bridge, etc? Please dont minimize cost of divorce, setting up two households. Can you do this and still send kids to college? I also agree, try another therapist.

I whole-heartedly agree with Sweeby!

If there were abuse, infidelity, deceit, or even alcohol or drug abuse, I'd say "Get Out Now!". Or even if he wasn't "doing" anything bad, but wasn't preventing something bad, either; I'd say get out.

I was in an abusive marriage, or else I would have stayed until the day I died. Divorce SUCKS! Sure, certain things get better after divorce, but then you have a whole new set of problems to deal with. I could list them, but you probably already know them :)

I know SO many 40-something and 50-something women who's husbands left them. A few of them were housewives who never worked outside the home and all-of-the-sudden have to get a job and learn things they never would've had to learn.

Not only that, but there is a serious shortage of available men, in a mature age range. Sure that 25 year old guy checking you out is hot, but would you want to date a 25 year old guy with a 2 or 3 year old kid? Or even worse, would that 25 year old guy still be in the "building a family" mode? You may not want to have more kids when yours are almost grown.

I firmly believe that if there are no "deal-breakers" committed, a marriage can be fixed. You're just in a rut. Do what Sweeby says and re-build your own individual lives. Learn something new or maybe volunteer for a charity. You might just find something in common you never thought was there.

And don't dismiss the power of a bad therepist. Therepists are not like remote controls. You can't go out and get one that works for everything.

To me it sounds like two people who have gotton caught up in day to day life and raising a family and have lost that connection that they had 20 years ago. The way you describe your husband he sounds like a decent man.

Have you ever watched the movie Fireproof. While it has a bit too much religion for me, the whole idea of how the couple worked on their marriage was pretty neat. The husband started by doing the little things for his wife and eventually she fell back in love with him. Not saying life is as easy as that, but it is an idea to work on.

If I was in your situation with a decent man who I had been with 20 years and two children still at home I think I would give it one last real try to rekindle that flame. Maybe a romantic vacation with just the two of us. Maybe scheduling some date nights each month. Something to attempt to get those feelings back. Because you do not want to look back with regret and think "if we had only tried this...."

The thoughts you have about the future are right. Divorce is hard and watching your ex with someone else may be harder. Watching another woman with your children may hurt.

The grass does often look greener on the other side, so try adding some water to your side before you move on :)

If you really give your marriage and honest last try and you are still not happy then you do owe it to yourself to move on. Nobody should have to live unhappily forever. And if you are unhappy I am sure to an extent your children see this and you do not want them thinking it is what a normal marriage looks like.

Good luck.