We have dogs - he knew I had inside dogs when we dated that I was not willing to part with. The SD cant stand that fact and has used it as a reason to not come to our house. Her children have all had asthma attacks, some after being around the dogs, but many many others from other triggers - no dogs around. She has used that to say that we have chosen our dogs over the safety of their children because I refuse to part ways with my dogs. We put them outside if anyone comes over - but that is not good enough - they have insisted we get them new homes! for someone that may have come to visit 3 times a year, it was not a reasonable request. If they lived with me and my dogs were causing health concerns, it would be totally different. This battle has gone on for 1 1/2 year and now we dont do any holiday or family get togethers at our house at all - so imagine me hauling food and presents for 20+ people over to someone elses house to accomdate Christmas. I don't have any thoughts or advice about the rest of the post, but I do have thoughts/advice about this part. I have asthma myself and I know many people with asthma. It's very possible you may be underestimating the seriousness of this issue for your husband's grandchildren. Your stepdaughter is not handling this the way I would, if I were in her shoes (at least that's what I think). If I were your stepdaughter, I would not insist or even ask that you get rid of the dogs. But I would not be visiting your home, probably ever, if it caused my children to have asthma attacks. Even if the attacks were just sometimes. I would kindly and pleasantly let you know that was the issue, then it would be up to you and your husband to decide whether to keep the dogs or not. I would not be attending family/holiday get-togethers at your home, and I would very much expect that you and your husband would be not only willing but also understanding enough to haul your presents and food to someone else's home without complaint in order to prevent my children from having an asthma attack. Her children have all had asthma attacks, some after being around the dogs, but many many others from other triggers - no dogs around. Exactly. They have asthma attacks from dogs (sometimes) but also from other things. Asthma is probably a constant battle for them. There are so many places their children have to go that cause problems for them, why would you insist that they come to your home when you could visit them instead? We put them outside if anyone comes over - but that is not good enough No, putting the dogs outside is not good enough. Please, please for the sake of your relationship with your husband and his family, educate yourself about asthma. Here is some information about pet dander and asthma from the web site about.com: In fact, it is dander or the proteins in skin flakes, urine, feces, saliva and hair that trigger your asthma symptoms. Removing your pet from the home and avoiding contact with the pet is the most effective way to decrease exposure to animal dander. A "trial removal" is not recommended as it may take as many as 20 weeks following removal for allergen levels to fall to levels similar to those of homes without pets. If you do remove the pet from the home, make sure you thoroughly clean all bedding products, floors, carpets and other surfaces where dander may collect. If pet removal is going to produce depression, crying and gnashing of teeth for you or your child, making the pet an "outside only" animal is a partial solution, but will not fully decrease your exposure to animal dander If you and your husband insist on keeping the dogs and that your grandchildren visit you, then you probably ARE choosing the dogs over your husband's grandchildren's safety. . We have dogs - he knew I had inside dogs when we dated that I was not willing to part with It's very possible your husband didn't know himself what a huge issue this would be. Many, many people, like yourself, think simply putting the dogs outside is good enough. However, now you both know that it is a problem, and it's up to the two of you to decide how to deal with this problem. I don't think your stepdaughter should insist that you give up the dogs. However, if you were my stepmother I would be very, very, very, very, very angry if I had told you what a problem this causes and you continued to dismiss it. Very angry. Really, really, really angry. I'd be angry and I certainly, absolutely would think you were not the life's companion for my father I hoped he'd have. I just want him to stand up to his ASD and tell her that I am here to stay, deal with it, accept it, and quit being so petty over stuff. Your husband's grandchildren have asthma that is sometimes triggered by pet dander. They are his grandchildren, they SHOULD be there to stay, you should deal with it and accept it and do what you can to minimize the impact of your pets on your grandchildren's health. I can certainly understand why you'd rather have your beloved pets with you every day rather than get rid of them over someone who only visits 3 times a year. However, you are minimizing and dismissing valid health concerns your step daughter has. As her children's mother, it's her responsibility to advocate for their health in a situation like yours. She is not being petty, she is being a responsible mother. I hope this helps you to see the other side of the issue. I hope you and your husband can find some resolution to this issue. The only other thing I would add is that sometimes certain things will cause problems for me and other times those same things won't. It's not like cat dander (one of the things I'm allergic to) will always cause problems for me. Sometimes it will, sometimes it won't. But if my threshold is low (and I don't always know when that will be), then cat dander causes a problem for me, ranging in severity. So please don't be dismissive of the issue if your husband's grandchildren don't always have asthma attacks due to the dogs. Even if the problem is intermittent, it's still an issue. That's not your stepdaughter being petty, it's the reality of her children's life. She MUST deal with that on behalf of her children, she has no choice. But YOU do have a choice. Good luck whatever you decide.

You have more than one 'issue' going on...best you deal with them as what they are. 1) The children's mother died. She did not divorce your husband, she died. Right up to the day this lady passed on she and your husband were a couple and the parents of these children...an intact family , if you will. Naturally these children loved their mother. They mourn their mother. They hold very fond and loving memories of their mother. It's not a slam nor a sign of disrespect to you. Fact, it's not about YOU at all. So what if they post pics of Mom? So what if they bring up Mom when occassionally speaking. She was their mother. Why would you expect them to pretend the lady did not exist now that she's died and their father has chosen to remarry? Again, it's not about YOU. 2) Of course your children would never dream of helping themselves to the home you live in. It's not their 'home'. It's a house owned by a gentleman their mother just married recently and moved into. Making a comparsion between the situation of the children's feeling of ease in this house is silly. 3) There is bound to be a lot of emotions tied to this current home your husband shared with his deceased wife and his children. Ever discuss with your husband that perhaps it is time to purchase a house together? One the two of you can claim and share as a new beginning for husband/yours relationship. One where none of the children overly feel attached to nor is filled of old memories. Are you next going to post this current house is still left exactly the way it was the day the deceased wife died? And then you sit and and wonder why you feel like the outsider being haunted by days gone by and overstepping children. Now, look at the other issue. The adult children enabling. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess these children are just doing what Mom and Dad always allowed them to do. Your correct in that these adult children should be earning their own way through life...but I'm going to bank their parents (yes Mom AND Dad) raised and enabled these 'kids' to be the self entitled dependents that they have turned out to be. Did your new husband and you discuss this issue before you said 'I do'? I guess I never quite understand how some ladies go into some of these relationships seeing how tings exactly are (or assuming things) and then get all outraged and shocked when they actually begin to wake up 'from the honeymoon' and find these issues are still very much present. The issues you find objectional didn't just poof because now you wear a ring. Sit your husband down (something you should have done before marriage) and discuss finances, household expectaions, go house hunting (who wants to live with a ghost so to say)and see where and what the two of you come up with. If you find yourself yards apart in your wants and expectations, you'll likely correct that there is not much of a future for your relationship. If you find you're both willing to work as a team to build a solid communicating, compromising future that works for both of you together then it's time to put the plan in motion and begin to work towards that future. This post was edited by justmetoo on Wed, Feb 20, 13 at 13:32

HU-188136718 -- You really need to be getting yourself a lawyer, if you don't have one already. I'm not sure where you live, but in the US, it is up to each state, within reason, to determine the division of marital property, and if you were technically (on paper) still married to your DH, you may have some recourse/ claim to get some of your joint items or property back or some sort of proceeds. Many times, your first meeting with a lawyer can be for free/ consulting and no fee will be charged. And the couple of times I did this, they were very upfront and clear with my options. Didn't try to blow me off or anything. They could be more resourceful than you think and without a charge for the first meeting! Worth checking it out. My heart also goes out to you because I know what is like to think you have a positive relationship with your stepkids, only to find out after some horrific episode or two that you do not. In your case, you're not only grieving the loss of your husband (or what you thought your relationship with him would be) and the loss of your home, estate and puppy, but also the loss of the relationship you thought you had with your stepkids. Please do not hesitate to seek out outside support from family, friends, ministers, therapists, etc. You need all the support you can get right now. HU-227652862 -- If I were you, I'd probably sit down and make a list of all of the reasons for your husband not to go, including time, distance, health issues, the fact that she needs to learn how to handle her adult problems herself, etc., and sit down and have a discussion with your DH. Since it is a hot topic for your DH, you will have to be the more responsible one to make sure that it does not degrade to a fight. You just remain calm, no matter what, and keep telling him that you love him and are concerned. Now, your DH will probably have only one main reason, although it is a good one, to keep doing these things for his daughter. He may not admit to it, but he may want to take advantage of any opportunity to see his daughter because he loves her, of course. And it may not matter that it is a bad reason or a reason that could greatly affect his health either. And him going there to "fix" things, further makes your DH feel needed by his daughter. It's tough to fight that parenteral instinct. Even though the parent may be being used and it may be detrimental to their health, it's their child and parents make self-sacrifices for their children all the time! So, the purpose of this discussion (not argument) you are going to have with your DH will be for both of you to logically (in theory) look at each other's side or angle. HOWEVER, if your DH wants to continue doing as he has been for this daughter, then that is pretty much his call, as hard as it may be for you to accept. I'd just make sure he knows the risks (including being taken advange of) coming from your angle, and if he does and chooses to do for her anyway, then you have to let it go. They have a father-daughter bond, and sometimes parents and their kids, incl. adult kids, have some sort of odd or near unhealthy codependency going on that on that works for them, regardless of how it may look on the outside. You can't make your DH separate from his daughter. I know people like to think SMs do this all the time, but in reality, no one can separate a man from his child or a woman from her child unless they, they themselves, want to separate.

I encourage my DH to spend times alone with his kids. I've been brought up to realize that not everyone should be included. Like my own son. I love him but i dont want him stuck to my hip! I like my alone time and i like time with my husband. Other times i just want time with the gals. So i think on that end i would agree with some posters that your Dh should spend time with his girls. What i do also understand is why your Dh wont cause it makes him uncomfortable with her physically touching him like that. This is not normal and rubbing and flopping in her daddy's lap at her age is cause for concern. So your DH refuses the ' date' because he sees it as an encouragement for thsi odd behaviour and i agree with him to refuse. But he should refuse explaining exactly why because of his discomfort not because you are excluded. ANd i do not like the way your SD blunted said you are exclude. Because she obviously has issues with you and she could have used different words such as ' Dad ,i'ld like some time alone just the two of us ifyou dont mind. And maybe another time we can all go out but i need some one on one advice and time from you as my father. ' And yes, my husband is exactly like yours most of the time. He is aloof with his own brothers and sisters. Which i'm not used because i'm close with my family and do not mind if they drop by. He does. He likes his alone time with me only.WHich drives me nuts cause i do not like anyone stuck to my hip. I think balance in everything is healthy. Too much of anything is not. Whether it be a person, a computer, a drink, food tect..etc... In the end. If your husband is not comfortable in going out with his daughters whether you have been invited or not, its his perogative to say no. Its just too bad that you are the scapegoat when he does decline. Or words it in such a way the way he did. Your DH defines himself with you. and there is nothing wrong with that. Just like my husband. If i'mnot invited, he tells people to take a hike. I'm proud of him for it but sad at the same time because he should define himself alone not just with me. I guess its to each their own. And how they want to live. You cannot force anyone to phone people whetther its their own family or friends. I used to remind my husband, phone your kids, but now i dont....i should not be his mother. I'm his wife and itshis responsibility to phone his kids. If he doesn't , then its not my fault. Its his and his kids know it. ANyways..we're on vacation! And we're off to the mall to putts around on a rainy icky day! Chin up, dont worry about yoru SD. Let your husband handle it. Even if he doesn't handle it perfectly, its stillhis call in the end.