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justnotmartha

SD asking about less time with mom

justnotmartha
15 years ago

Tonight as SD and I were having our nightly chat before bed she was bemoaning going to her mom's tomorrow for the weekend. She was also worrying about next year when she starts high school and will need to be there 90 minutes earlier than school starts now. Mom lives about 20 minutes away and getting out the door on time is apparently difficult. Mom takes SD to school (or our house) on Friday and Monday mornings EOW. SD is already thinking ahead to how this will be a problem, and noting that it is silly for her to be with mom EO Thursday night when she has practices until 9:00. Plus, on weekends it is harder for her to socialize as her friends are all here around her school. Many parents don't want to transport back and forth to moms, and she doesn't want to transport SD back and forth up here.

Sooo - SD asked if it would be possible to cut back on mom's visitation. She said this with mixed feelings as she does want to see her mom, but often mom works 2 of the 4 days/evenings SD is there so she isn't seeing her anyway. She is recognizing that as she gets older the visitation schedule doesn't suit her as well as it did when she was little and without a real social life. I hate to see her treating visitation as more of a 'must' than a 'get to' and can't help but wonder if she has less days but more quality time it might be better for everyone.

So ultimately I sidestepped answering the 'can we do this' question by telling her to think it over, but that she needed to be able to stand up in support of her decision if she really wanted a change made. Unfortunately mom will see it as HER time being taking away rather than SD's time being considered, so we all (SD first and foremost) know it won't be pretty.

So, what would you do? Help SD with this, or tell her to talk to her mom on her own? Should DH go to mom, or should SD approach her first? Or, should we tell SD to suck it up and deal?

As a side note, SD spent Monday night with mom as she just got back from the trip with the whole 'immediate family' excluding SD. She said her mom was all excited because 'Sissy was home so baby sister didn't have to sleep with mom and dad and kick them in the night." Guess it ended in a yelling match with SD telling mom sis wasn't her child and she shouldn't have to be punished because mom refused to deal with training her to sleep in her own bed. I hear step dad was the one to actually step forward and say SD didn't have to take sis. Will wonders never cease?!?

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