"...although DD is hurt 'some of the time' she isn't hurt ALL of the time, and she really needs her daddy in her life. I longed to call a man daddy and I think I long for that for DD too..."

Myfampg, I really admire you because I do not know how you manage to hold up through all of this. I also admire your optimism and your willingness to continually try to work with BD despite his and SM's behavior. But, if the situation does not improve it might be time to start considering that there can be worse things than a little girl not having "Daddy" in her life - and one of them can be having Daddy in her life.

I know that you've said that BD used to be a good and involved father. Sadly it sounds like that man is gone for now - maybe he'll come back, but maybe he won't. It sounds like, whatever you may have done in the past, at this time you're doing everything you can, and then some, to help DD, BD and even SM have a relationship - and the two of them are both so filled with anger, bitterness and hatred that they can't see straight. You can't do anything to change that (except maybe pray for them).

As you said, you longed for "Daddy" and I think that that might be influencing you a bit. Sadly it does not sound like your DD has a "Daddy" - instead she's got a sperm donor who is allowing his wife to tear this child apart in order to fit her into their lives, rather than merging her already existing life into theirs.

I'm sorry but it may soon be time to start seeing this man as he is now rather than what he used to be, what he should be, or what he could have been.

Hugs.

I really could not have said it any better than Mattie did.

"I know that you've said that BD used to be a good and involved father. Sadly it sounds like that man is gone for now - maybe he'll come back, but maybe he won't. It sounds like, whatever you may have done in the past, at this time you're doing everything you can, and then some, to help DD, BD and even SM have a relationship - and the two of them are both so filled with anger, bitterness and hatred that they can't see straight. You can't do anything to change that (except maybe pray for them)."

I wholeheartedly agree.

oh my...poor child worrying about adult matters...I wonder if dad ever said anything to DD about hating you or she could just sense it on her own...

Po1 I think she senses it. I can't imagine him out right saying I hate your mom but you all are right - I have to stop thinking of him as the father he used to be and give up hope that he will get bored with the games and stop. People keep telling me, if you don't react and don't tell them DD told me this, then they will get bored after seeing that there is no response. I actually have stopped 'blaming' SM and changing my focus on BD is allowing it. He could say don't do that or do not act this way, but he doesn't so this is all him. SM (I have learned) has a lot of insecurities about her image, her self worth and her need for people to depend on her or to idolize her. It's hard to explain but she has the attitude that SHE does everything right and anyone not following or giving her credit for what she does is wrong. I agree that there are more ways than one to do something and neither is necessarily wrong. She even wanted to conform me to their routines and parenting style and I just flat out told her, honestly I don't have the energy to be so high maintenance and perfect. I like doing laundry on the weekends, not all week long just to make sure the baskets are empty. That's why we have baskets is to collect the clothes... Her way isn't wrong but it's my right as a human being to make that decision. I don't eat organic, neither does my grandmother who is healthy and still working it at 90... Doesn't mean I am going to have a miserble life bc I don't eat that way but doesn't mean you won't die from something else, just because you go organic and green.. What gets me is BD goes along with her theories on how life is supposed to be. I would not be surprised if she was a cult leader one day bc she preaches to everyone and tries to gain followers of how she lives life. I just ache for DD and right now I have to be optimistic or I will break and there is nothing I can do to change this... Thank you all - I appreciate your kind words. Makes me feel better

New wife certainly has no rights to advice ex-wife how to run her household (when to do laundry and what foods to eat????). Next time tell her you have a maid who does your laundry and does your grocery shopping. LOL

Sounds like she is very insecure Myfam. You're doing a great job with your daughter and I think SM is afraid that she is not the only one/the only mom and so may not be the #1 person.

Also, you're more relaxed about it. Studies have proven that kids who grow up with more relaxed households (not sterilized every day with bleach) are happier kids.

I think organic is good (back in our grandparents time things were eaten more locally and did not have so many preserving features for long travel) but only on things that you eat the skin or are really sensitive is it a real issue.

For example, buy organic lettuce but not organic bananas, if you're going organic. Regardless, it's your decision and everyone has a different opinion on how to raise their children... so...

One thing I heard really stuck with me "in this matter, you should not concern yourself". Just tell her, thank you for your concern. You should not concern yourself on my behalf.

PS> my SM has a maid. I love it when she critiques my house... lol... as if she, a non-working, non-parent with a maid has any idea what a working mother does to run a house!

I forgot to add that I don't think there is anything wrong with organic, I just don't buy it. I have a few things that I have bought and were great but it's not something I have researched and that I live by. We eat healthy but we also have pizza night with soda sometimes and my kids get an ice cream cone for a fun afternoon occassionally - I just feel like we are relaxed. I work full time and volunteer at the school - SM is a stay at home mom with a child in full time school. When I stayed home, my house was spotless ... But I am a much happier person these days ... Dust and all.

PO1 she complains about the child support as well... So I should tell her I pay for those with CS. Haha just kidding

You don't have to justfify to anyone about how you lead your life, as long as that process does not hurt anyone else. Next time, when Your XH's w suggests to you about your laundry procedure, then you can look her straight into the eyes and say, "Thank you very much for trying to teach me your way of doing the laundry. I am sure your way is the perfect one which I am happy for you. My way now is perfect for me. I think it is inappropriate for me to tell you to change to my way or vice versa. In the future, I would appreciate if you don't try to do that again."

Don't try to be on the defensive about her behavior, then you forever have to defend your ways of life. Either ask her politely "to live and let live", or "I am so happy for you to have such a perfect way, why don't you apply for the nobel prize in laundry cleaning?".

If you look deeply into those who are agressive verbally and unkind, you will see deep inside them many unfinished business from childhood. They use their agressiveness to cover the blemishes inside. Once you think and see them like a wounded child, then you will feel compassionate for them (it does not mean you have to put up with them) and you will walk away not letting them dumping their problems on your shoulders.

Hmmm, maybe as she's giving you advice on how to eat & how to do laundry, you can offer HER some advice of your own. Maybe you can tell her how much your ex enjoyed when you did _____ in bed, maybe she should try it. That should shut her up!

too funny

so she is stay at home mom, while kid is at school, ha, so of course she sits home and cleans all day long. It is "stay at home by myself mom" LOL

I keep our house very clean and organized because we have no kids at home anymore, but it was never this way when DD was still home, it just could not be. Unless of course I would stay home all day while she was at school, sure I would do laundry every day! ha

when we were kids my dad had this silly joke (it kind of looses meaning in translation), when we didn't get good grades our dad told us that with grades like this we could only get into "laundry college" where they teach how to do laundry LOL Maybe SM went to "laundry college", she has no career and sits home but she sure knows how to do laundry.

Y'all are funny. I hope I did not come across to anyone that she is a stay at home mom so.. X Y Z. I just wanted to point out that I am sure her house is organized and clean because she is home alone - no kid no hubby from early morning to late afternoon. I clean my best when I am Alone, unfortunately it never happens lol.

I do defend myself too much. I do that with SM for some reason. And I am working on not justifying or defending so much. I don't need to have a reason as long as my kids are thriving, cared for and happy.

She is not working yet complains about CS? I don't think she has rights to complain, she isn't contributing and it is not her money, it is her DH's, plus she probably gets CS from her ex. Must be nice...

Nothing wrong with staying home with kids. I did stay home too when DD was a baby, but I was actually "stay home with the kid mom" because DD was with me, not in school all day. It was cheaper than day care, and I worked part time from home.