I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years; he has 3 kids- 5, 7, and 16- all have different mothers. He was married to the first mom and the third mom; the middle child was an 'accident'. He has full custody of the 5 year old, shared custody of the middle child and has been fighting for full custody of the oldest because she was miserable with her mother. So now he has full custody of two and partial of one.

The next thing to explain would be our age difference- he's 39 I'm 23 which actually works out really well because I've always related to people older than me. Anyway when he and I first started dating I wanted to delay meeting his kids because it just didn't seem appropriate to meet them until we knew we would be together for a while. I told him that. So our first few times hanging out together I would go to his house after I got off work when his kids were gone to bed. Well finally one night I get there and the youngest one was up and he's pretty much been pushing them on me since then.

When we finally went on our first date he brought his 5 year old and it was a disaster. Then he brought the 5yr old and the 16yr old (and her date) out on our first Valentines together! I tried my hardest to get to know his kids and spend time with them (I've never met the middle child) but I really don't like his youngest kid. She's rude, nasty, bossy, she lies, destroys things, doesn't clean up after herself, she doesn't respect people's personal space, their belongings, or their privacy. My niece is a week younger than her and is far more developed and mature. Anyway I finally got fed up with him constantly bringing them out on our dates and told him not to bring them until I told him I was ready to start involving the kids in our activities together which is what I wanted in the beginning.

We've been together two years now and he wants to marry me but I'm not sure. Part of me feels like since I love him I should be able to accept his kids but I can't. Not to mention when I have kids I want it to be a first for me and my husband; not my first and his fourth. I feel like if we had a kid together I would resent his kids and possibly him for having kids with other women. Am I wrong in feeling that way? I think having a child with someone is something really special that should be reserved for a married couple and it bothers me that he's made so many bad decisions in marrying these women and having kids with them. The reason I call them bad decisions is because one has married a maniac that has made both him and his daughter miserable, the other just brings his son on some random schedule without giving him a heads up, and the mother of the youngest is no where to be found and has a warrant out for her arrest; very classy.

I don't want to be involved in that kind of low class drama. His past mistakes shouldn't be my current problem and I know they would be. Thing is I really do love him and if he didn't have those kids I would marry him tomorrow if he asked me. But with everyone having kids nowadays I worry that I might end being single forever unless I decide to be a stepmom afterall.

Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. And again I apologize for this being so long.

Most of a child's development happens between 0-4, so meeting a 5 year old... the personality, temperament and many behaviors are set. Not necessarily set in stone but that is pretty much who they are and if she is THAT bad (I do believe you because she sounds much like my SD12 did when she was 5), then chances are it isn't gonna get better. Dad is rushing to involve you, most likely, because he has lost control. He obviously hasn't taught the 5 year old to behave properly. You have NO idea what his middle child is like... after two years, you still haven't met him? I find that odd, but you still don't know what you're getting when you do meet him. And a teenager that may or may not like you but at this point may be happy dad is preoccupied with you... it gives her a little more freedom. (but it sounds like dad isn't all that strict anyways) She has a boyfriend & probably more interested in that and her peers than going places with dad & his girlfriend.

I find the age difference a problem, mostly because he has already experienced everything (multiple times) that you have yet to experience. He has not been successful in any of them... marriage, raising kids, preventing unwanted pregnancy. But, it is also concerning that he is so anxious to involve you with them because so often single fathers that feel overwhelmed by their situation, look for someone to help them. Then it becomes more of a marriage of convenience than what a marriage should be. Eventually you will not only resent his kids, but him for putting so much on you. There are lots of great guys out there and even if you end up being a step parent eventually, you have the awareness to look for the red flags many young people ignore... all the bad decisions he's made and the consequences of those decisions which are the children and ex's... the baggage he comes with.

This is the same mistake I made. I dated a man who had an 8 year old son. We dated for almost a year before I started to get to know his son. BIG MISTAKE. I started noticing how BF failed to parent his son and when I would say things to BF about his son he'd get defensive about it. I tried to work things out with him but the problems kept happening. I wound up breaking up with him. I've learned that you do not want to wait to get to know the kids, because if you wait, by that time you've already developed a strong attachment to the dad. By the time you realize there are issues with the kids, you don't want to end things because you are "in love" with the father.

You want to get to know the kids and how your BF parents BEFORE you fall in love with him. You think if your BF didn't have kids everything would be fine. What you have to realize is the way your BF parents is a part of how your BF is. If BF can't parent his own kids correctly, what's to say he will parent any children the two of you have together? Do you really want to be with a man who can't stand up to his own kids, and lets his kids be rude and disrespectful?

You should not feel bad for not being able to accept his kids, you fell in love with him, not his kids.

Don't worry that you will be single forever, or that you'll never meet a guy that doesn't already have kids. If you start dating men that are closer to your age, you are more likely to meet someone that doesn't already have kids. And it's not necessarily that you can't date someone that doesn't already have kids, but you want to watch out for the dads that say "my kids are my world" or something similar - that is just code for "my kids RUN my world". You don't want dads that spoil their kids, or can't control their offspring. There are good dads out there, you just have to know what to look for.
Also, since I've broken up with my BF I've meet quite a few men who do not have children. One man I met has a 26 year old daughter, so while he has a child, she's grown, so it's not like she would living with us if things ever got to that point.

Being a step mom at age 23 is not the way you want to go. Just read some of the stories on here of other step moms and the headaches they endure.

Amber I strongly disagree with this. Most child psychologists, therapists, etc. STRONGLY suggest people wait a long time (6 mo - 1 year minimum) before even meeting a child of someone you are dating. There is a big impact on a child's development in seeing a revolving door of their parent's boyfriends/girlfriends in their lives.

When you have young kids, it shouldn't be about YOU, but THEM....if it throws a slight monkey wrench into the dating process, so be it...it's part of the deal.

Ok Kroopy, I understand what you're saying, but what is a person supposed to do? Many of the issues we see on here are because the step parent did not get to know the step kids before moving in/marrying the bioparent.

I waited a year before getting to know my BF's son. That whole first year was great. It was only when the kid was in the picture that the relationship started having problems.

I know from now on I will not wait a year before meeting someone's kids. Granted, it won't be on the first date, but it will probably be after a month or two of dating. And I understand not wanting the kids seeing a revolving door of boyfriends/girlfriends, but can't a person just introduce the person as a friend instead of a boy/girlfriend?

It just seems like a lot of problems in step families happen because the step parent waits so long to get to know the step kids and see what kind of parent the bioparent is.

As for my bf I decided last night Im going to have to end it. I can't handle his kids, the oldest one is great and really likes me and the youngest one does too but I don't like her and I haven't seen her improve in the two years that we've dated (she'll be turning 6 soon). And with the way his son's mother just randomly decides when he can come get his son I've never met him but from what I hear from my bf he's just as bad as the youngest one.

Its definitely not a situation I want to attach myself too for the rest of my life. He and I have talked about this before in terms of us possibly breaking up and we think we can remain friends; which would work great because that's basically how it's been lately anyway. We see each other once a week for a few hours and just hang out so it wouldn't be that different.

He's not a bad guy; he's just not the guy for me.

Thanks Dotz,I don't see what the harm could be meeting the kids as the bioparent's friend, like you said with no PDA.
Then you can see what kind of dynamic the bioparent has with their children. At least then you can make a rational decision about whether you think the relationship will work without having your judgment clouded with emotions.

But instead it was less than a month in when I met the youngest one and then met the oldest the very next week. Since then it's been like pulling teeth to get him to get a sitter so we could go on a real date without them. My breaking point with the 5year old is when we went to a water park with him the kids and his oldest daughters bf. I spent over 24 hours with him and the girls and it was extremely stressful.

I feel bad for him but he deserves to be with someone that is willing to accept him and his children, and that just isn't me. We've discussed my concerns and he would always dismiss them as "Oh you'll change your mind" or "You could be happy with us if you give it a chance". But it just isn't meant to be. Thank you ladies again for your input. =)

I have no problem with that approach...just have seen way too many people fall head over heels for someone and have them "meet the kids" like a week later...only to have it blow up in their face....if the kid's 15...that's one thing, they can probably understand what's going one...if the kid's 5....whole different story.

Amber - sorry but I also have to dissagree with you on something else you said:

"but you want to watch out for the dads that say "my kids are my world" or something similar - that is just code for "my kids RUN my world"."

Sorry...but I started dating when my kids where young...10 and 7...and yes, they WERE (still are) my world, and they DID run my world. As a divorced dad who has his kids more than 50% of the time, in a world full of deadbeat dads wanting nothing to do with their kids, that is a label I am PROUD to wear. I made it clear from the start when I started dating that this was the case....anyone being interested in me had to understand that no matter what our plans were, they were always a sore throat, a stomach ache or a playdate away from being cancelled. I wanted NOTHING to do with any woman that would ever expect to take a priority over my kids. Likewise, I expected to find a woman who would put her kids first also....luckily for me I met someone who shares my views and in the 4 years we have been together I have lost count of the number of times our "plans" have had to change at the last minute, due to kid issues....but we get it....it's part of the deal.

If you have the opinion that "...but you want to watch out for the dads that say "my kids are my world" or something similar - that is just code for 'my kids RUN my world'.", please do not ever date a man with kids....go find a man with no kids. Kids are only young for a short period of time....they do not deserve to have to fight for their dad's attention with a self-centered woman.

Children will grow up and move out and will start their own lives. But a spouse/partner is supposed to be with you for the rest of your life. When your kids grow up and leave, who are you going to share the rest of your life with?

I'm not saying sacrifice your kids just so you can hang out with your significant other. But you also can't expect your partner to sacrifice just so you can spoil your kids with things they don't need.

I'm not saying your partner should get mad because you want to take your son to football practice,
I'm saying if you ignore your partner so much that she feels neglected, if you let your kids refuse to eat what your partner cooks and be rude about it, when you hug your partner and you let your kids push her away just because they've being mean, you are letting your kids RUN your life and I think that is wrong.

"If you have the opinion that "...but you want to watch out for the dads that say "my kids are my world" or something similar - that is just code for 'my kids RUN my world'.", please do not ever date a man with kids....go find a man with no kids. Kids are only young for a short period of time....they do not deserve to have to fight for their dad's attention with a self-centered woman."

It's not that I'm self centered. It's just that I refuse to date a man who spoils his kids, and lets them walk all over him or his partner. That is what I mean by a man who says his kids run his world. I love my kids, but they do not run my world. They do not tell me what to do, who to date, or make other important decisions. Granted, I will take into consideration their feelings, needs and wants, but I make the final decisions, not them. They are an important part of my world, but they don't run it.

I guess we just have a different opinion on what "run his world" means....yeah I too would have a real hard time dating someone that I thought was doing a bad job raising their kids...tough to have respect for someone if you think they are a bad parent.

"I too would have a real hard time dating someone that I thought was doing a bad job raising their kids..."

Totally agree!!

"he deserves to be with someone that can accept him and his children and I should be with someone that I can be happy with"

really says it all. I would be so proud if my own daughter, who is about your age, said something like that if she were in your situation. I think that your post should be bookmarked for others in similar situations.

The best of luck to you -- but you won't need it; you make your own good luck.