Honestly? If you were my daughter I'd be very worried about this relationship. "But I love him" are four words that keep so many women in really bad relationships. Sometimes love is not enough.
You recognise that you can't accept his children, and that you may resent them further down the track. While this doesn't make you a bad person, it will make for an unhappy marriage, for all of you. For a stepfamily to really work, each person has to accept the others. And the children don't deserve someone who resents them.
With three (at least) failed relationships, this guy really doesn't strike me as good husband material. He may have chosen poorly but since you're only privy to his side of the story, you don't know what his role in the failures was, and if history will repeat itself (which statistically is more likely to happen).
Whether you want to or not you will end up involved in what you refer to as "that kind of low class drama". It's unavoidable as long as you stay with this guy.
Being single forever is not a bad thing compared to being in a bad relationship and then trying to reclaim your life should you get out of it. But, not everyone has children and you are not condemned to stepmotherhood :-) Don't settle for second best just to be settling for _something_
Walk away, live your life and see what happens. You're only 23, you have so much ahead of you!

Thank you!! I was worried everyone would think I was horrible person for not liking his youngest kid but I really did try. I guess the hardest part is knowing how much he loves me and I know its going really hurt him (and me) for me to leave him. But he deserves to be with someone that can accept him and his children and I should be with someone that I can be happy with. Just have to put my big girl panties on and make the decision to end it.

"I was worried everyone would think I was horrible person for not liking his youngest kid but I really did try."

Most of a child's development happens between 0-4, so meeting a 5 year old... the personality, temperament and many behaviors are set. Not necessarily set in stone but that is pretty much who they are and if she is THAT bad (I do believe you because she sounds much like my SD12 did when she was 5), then chances are it isn't gonna get better. Dad is rushing to involve you, most likely, because he has lost control. He obviously hasn't taught the 5 year old to behave properly. You have NO idea what his middle child is like... after two years, you still haven't met him? I find that odd, but you still don't know what you're getting when you do meet him. And a teenager that may or may not like you but at this point may be happy dad is preoccupied with you... it gives her a little more freedom. (but it sounds like dad isn't all that strict anyways) She has a boyfriend & probably more interested in that and her peers than going places with dad & his girlfriend.

I find the age difference a problem, mostly because he has already experienced everything (multiple times) that you have yet to experience. He has not been successful in any of them... marriage, raising kids, preventing unwanted pregnancy. But, it is also concerning that he is so anxious to involve you with them because so often single fathers that feel overwhelmed by their situation, look for someone to help them. Then it becomes more of a marriage of convenience than what a marriage should be. Eventually you will not only resent his kids, but him for putting so much on you. There are lots of great guys out there and even if you end up being a step parent eventually, you have the awareness to look for the red flags many young people ignore... all the bad decisions he's made and the consequences of those decisions which are the children and ex's... the baggage he comes with.

"Anyway when he and I first started dating I wanted to delay meeting his kids because it just didn't seem appropriate to meet them until we knew we would be together for a while."

This is the same mistake I made. I dated a man who had an 8 year old son. We dated for almost a year before I started to get to know his son. BIG MISTAKE. I started noticing how BF failed to parent his son and when I would say things to BF about his son he'd get defensive about it. I tried to work things out with him but the problems kept happening. I wound up breaking up with him. I've learned that you do not want to wait to get to know the kids, because if you wait, by that time you've already developed a strong attachment to the dad. By the time you realize there are issues with the kids, you don't want to end things because you are "in love" with the father.

You want to get to know the kids and how your BF parents BEFORE you fall in love with him. You think if your BF didn't have kids everything would be fine. What you have to realize is the way your BF parents is a part of how your BF is. If BF can't parent his own kids correctly, what's to say he will parent any children the two of you have together? Do you really want to be with a man who can't stand up to his own kids, and lets his kids be rude and disrespectful?

You should not feel bad for not being able to accept his kids, you fell in love with him, not his kids.

Don't worry that you will be single forever, or that you'll never meet a guy that doesn't already have kids. If you start dating men that are closer to your age, you are more likely to meet someone that doesn't already have kids. And it's not necessarily that you can't date someone that doesn't already have kids, but you want to watch out for the dads that say "my kids are my world" or something similar - that is just code for "my kids RUN my world". You don't want dads that spoil their kids, or can't control their offspring. There are good dads out there, you just have to know what to look for.
Also, since I've broken up with my BF I've meet quite a few men who do not have children. One man I met has a 26 year old daughter, so while he has a child, she's grown, so it's not like she would living with us if things ever got to that point.

Being a step mom at age 23 is not the way you want to go. Just read some of the stories on here of other step moms and the headaches they endure.

"I've learned that you do not want to wait to get to know the kids..."

Amber I strongly disagree with this. Most child psychologists, therapists, etc. STRONGLY suggest people wait a long time (6 mo - 1 year minimum) before even meeting a child of someone you are dating. There is a big impact on a child's development in seeing a revolving door of their parent's boyfriends/girlfriends in their lives.

When you have young kids, it shouldn't be about YOU, but THEM....if it throws a slight monkey wrench into the dating process, so be it...it's part of the deal.

"When you have young kids, it shouldn't be about YOU, but THEM....if it throws a slight monkey wrench into the dating process, so be it...it's part of the deal."

Ok Kroopy, I understand what you're saying, but what is a person supposed to do? Many of the issues we see on here are because the step parent did not get to know the step kids before moving in/marrying the bioparent.

I waited a year before getting to know my BF's son. That whole first year was great. It was only when the kid was in the picture that the relationship started having problems.

I know from now on I will not wait a year before meeting someone's kids. Granted, it won't be on the first date, but it will probably be after a month or two of dating. And I understand not wanting the kids seeing a revolving door of boyfriends/girlfriends, but can't a person just introduce the person as a friend instead of a boy/girlfriend?

It just seems like a lot of problems in step families happen because the step parent waits so long to get to know the step kids and see what kind of parent the bioparent is.

Thank you all so so much!!! I guess the reason I said I was worried about being single forever or not meeting someone that doesn't have kids is because in the area where I live a large portion of the people in my age range have kids. At least with older men they're divorced or something whereas the guys around my age just have "baby mamas". There isn't much importance put in having children around here as there should be.

As for my bf I decided last night Im going to have to end it. I can't handle his kids, the oldest one is great and really likes me and the youngest one does too but I don't like her and I haven't seen her improve in the two years that we've dated (she'll be turning 6 soon). And with the way his son's mother just randomly decides when he can come get his son I've never met him but from what I hear from my bf he's just as bad as the youngest one.

Its definitely not a situation I want to attach myself too for the rest of my life. He and I have talked about this before in terms of us possibly breaking up and we think we can remain friends; which would work great because that's basically how it's been lately anyway. We see each other once a week for a few hours and just hang out so it wouldn't be that different.

He's not a bad guy; he's just not the guy for me.

Zoe, I think you are making absolutely the right decision, and I m sure when you do settle down and have your first baby, you ll see ever more how wise your choice was...Amber, I used to believe in the one year rule,but after reading your experience, you actually changed my mind...Yes, you get attached to the father and then meet the kids, and its a no go and you re in love.I think 3 or 4 months in, you should meet the kids and see if theres a possibility it would work out. Of course, there are never any guarantees, but I think you d find out what you might be up against and figure out if you re up to the job. No revolving door scenario, Kroopy, but a dinner 4 months in to meet my friend? No PDA? See how it goes?

Zoe - that's great you and your BF have decided to end it on good terms and continue to be friends.
"He's not a bad guy; he's just not the guy for me." Couldn't have put it better myself. I think you are making the right decision for yourself.

Thanks Dotz,I don't see what the harm could be meeting the kids as the bioparent's friend, like you said with no PDA.
Then you can see what kind of dynamic the bioparent has with their children. At least then you can make a rational decision about whether you think the relationship will work without having your judgment clouded with emotions.

Thank you ladies, it's going to be tough but I'm sure we'll both be fine. When we first started dating I thought it would be best if we dated for at least a 2-3 months then maybe meet for lunch some place casual and he could bring them along so it didn't seem so much like we're on a date with his kids lol. Then as things progressed gradually invite them out with us more and do more family oriented activities. Unfortunately it didn't happen that way.

But instead it was less than a month in when I met the youngest one and then met the oldest the very next week. Since then it's been like pulling teeth to get him to get a sitter so we could go on a real date without them. My breaking point with the 5year old is when we went to a water park with him the kids and his oldest daughters bf. I spent over 24 hours with him and the girls and it was extremely stressful.

I feel bad for him but he deserves to be with someone that is willing to accept him and his children, and that just isn't me. We've discussed my concerns and he would always dismiss them as "Oh you'll change your mind" or "You could be happy with us if you give it a chance". But it just isn't meant to be. Thank you ladies again for your input. =)

dotz - "No revolving door scenario, Kroopy, but a dinner 4 months in to meet my friend? No PDA? See how it goes?"

I have no problem with that approach...just have seen way too many people fall head over heels for someone and have them "meet the kids" like a week later...only to have it blow up in their face....if the kid's 15...that's one thing, they can probably understand what's going one...if the kid's 5....whole different story.

Amber - sorry but I also have to dissagree with you on something else you said:

"but you want to watch out for the dads that say "my kids are my world" or something similar - that is just code for "my kids RUN my world"."

Sorry...but I started dating when my kids where young...10 and 7...and yes, they WERE (still are) my world, and they DID run my world. As a divorced dad who has his kids more than 50% of the time, in a world full of deadbeat dads wanting nothing to do with their kids, that is a label I am PROUD to wear. I made it clear from the start when I started dating that this was the case....anyone being interested in me had to understand that no matter what our plans were, they were always a sore throat, a stomach ache or a playdate away from being cancelled. I wanted NOTHING to do with any woman that would ever expect to take a priority over my kids. Likewise, I expected to find a woman who would put her kids first also....luckily for me I met someone who shares my views and in the 4 years we have been together I have lost count of the number of times our "plans" have had to change at the last minute, due to kid issues....but we get it....it's part of the deal.

If you have the opinion that "...but you want to watch out for the dads that say "my kids are my world" or something similar - that is just code for 'my kids RUN my world'.", please do not ever date a man with kids....go find a man with no kids. Kids are only young for a short period of time....they do not deserve to have to fight for their dad's attention with a self-centered woman.

I definitely see where you're coming from. I don't really think it's fair to say that any woman that wants attention from their partner is self centered. I'm far from being self centered but I don't like feeling like an afterthought which is what sometimes happened in my relationship. Yes your children should always be your first priority but I think its a little unfair to put yourself out there as being available to date and be in a relationship if you aren't truly "available". But every situation is different; I can only speak from my experience in this.

Kroopy, I think you misunderstand me. There's a difference between having to cancel a date because your kid is sick and letting your kid be rude and disrespectful to your partner, or taking your child's side over your partner's when you know your kid is in the wrong.

Children will grow up and move out and will start their own lives. But a spouse/partner is supposed to be with you for the rest of your life. When your kids grow up and leave, who are you going to share the rest of your life with?

I'm not saying sacrifice your kids just so you can hang out with your significant other. But you also can't expect your partner to sacrifice just so you can spoil your kids with things they don't need.

I'm not saying your partner should get mad because you want to take your son to football practice,
I'm saying if you ignore your partner so much that she feels neglected, if you let your kids refuse to eat what your partner cooks and be rude about it, when you hug your partner and you let your kids push her away just because they've being mean, you are letting your kids RUN your life and I think that is wrong.

"If you have the opinion that "...but you want to watch out for the dads that say "my kids are my world" or something similar - that is just code for 'my kids RUN my world'.", please do not ever date a man with kids....go find a man with no kids. Kids are only young for a short period of time....they do not deserve to have to fight for their dad's attention with a self-centered woman."

It's not that I'm self centered. It's just that I refuse to date a man who spoils his kids, and lets them walk all over him or his partner. That is what I mean by a man who says his kids run his world. I love my kids, but they do not run my world. They do not tell me what to do, who to date, or make other important decisions. Granted, I will take into consideration their feelings, needs and wants, but I make the final decisions, not them. They are an important part of my world, but they don't run it.

OK I guess I misunderstood you then, because even though you did talk about how rude his kids are, etc....when I read the statements that I quoted in my reply, to me those had nothing to do with that, and more to do with the fact that yes at a young age kids sort of run your world, not due to being spoiled, rude whatever, but just because raising a child is a very time-consuming responsibility (even in a "joint-custody" arrangement such as I have).

I guess we just have a different opinion on what "run his world" means....yeah I too would have a real hard time dating someone that I thought was doing a bad job raising their kids...tough to have respect for someone if you think they are a bad parent.

Kroopy - yeah I understand when you say kids are a very time consuming responsibilty, just isn't what I meant when I say a dad(or mom for that matter) lets their kids "run things". Just like in another thread on here the lady is having a hard time because the dad lets his 10 year old have a hissy fit just because the son doesn't want her to go with them to a basketball game. That is more what I'm talking about, letting a kid dictate the situation.

"I too would have a real hard time dating someone that I thought was doing a bad job raising their kids..."

Totally agree!!

Zoe, I am very impressed with your mature, unselfish, healthy attitude. All your posts display it, but this quote.

"he deserves to be with someone that can accept him and his children and I should be with someone that I can be happy with"

really says it all. I would be so proud if my own daughter, who is about your age, said something like that if she were in your situation. I think that your post should be bookmarked for others in similar situations.

The best of luck to you -- but you won't need it; you make your own good luck.