((((((((((((Kathy!!!))))))))))))))))

So sorry you're having such troubles. My mom just put her mother in a nursing home recently. I'll tell you, Mom is a new woman! She has lost weight, and is SMILING again. Taking care of Gramma was making Mom old before her time. She's 67 and was starting to look 80.

I know it'll be tough, in the short run, but a blessing in the long one.
Roni

Five years . . . wow.

I lost my dad after 3 months of my constant care. I can't imagine 5 years . . .

You are in our prayers for peace of mind and spirit. Bless you on the hardest decision a child has to make.

TMG: I can fully understand your dilemma. BUT you know, having him around folks his own age and folks he might know and have a history with could be a healthy thing for him too! Think of the situation from his standpoint. You & DH are probably the only people he sees on a regular basis. Now he'll have a whole new group of people to meet! I really think my dad is in a healthier frame of mind now that he's out of his apt where he was becoming a recluse. You shouldn't feel any guilt for wanting to take care of yourself. My aunt told me that she gave up ten years of her life taking care of her mom instead of putting her in a home. She said one day she woke up and she was old. And that she felt robbed of those ten years because she could have spent more time with her husband, who has also passed on. Now dry those tears! Things will get better!

I about lost my mind taking care of my mother and she didn't live with me! I can't imagine having someone in my house that long. Make that decision, find a nice place and visit him often. You deserve to have your life!

You will be a new woman and your FIL will be in a safe place

Maria

Dear toomuch, I hear you! I have been taking care of my mom for ten years and some days I just don't think I can go on. I really question my sanity; my job is gone, my friends have drifted away, I have no freedom; I don't think I would be able to do it again if I could go back in time. I will be sending positive thoughts your way and I hope so much for your sake that all goes well.

big hugs to you Kathy

Kathy, you deserve a life. Please do not let guilt take you over. Your FIL will be safe and taken care of by skilled people who do this 8-12 hours at a time, then get to go home, something you haven't been able to do for 5 years. Take back your life and get back to the things you enjoy. None of us are promised 91 years, let's enjoy what we have left! You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Ramona

Oh, TOOMUCH: When I popped in here to JUST read my thread, I spied this one. Don't even THINK you have to depend on luck in this matter. This bunch of prayer warriors w/help you through this, you can be sure. Look UP - He's there, and we are here, bombarding Heaven w/our concerns about the troubles of those on this forum. Thank you, Lord, for your blessings, and for these wonderful people who care. I have been wondering why we haven't seen much of you lately. Bless you, TM - this w/be a wonderful thing you're doing for yourself/your DH AND your FIL.

Being a member of the "sandwich generation"-caring for parents/inlaws and young children at the same time-I do so understand your dilemma. In the end, you have to be responsible for yourself and your own happiness. TMG, I am thinking of you and praying that you will have strength to get through this with your sanity intact.

Bless your heart.......you are making the right decision for you and for him...it's tough, but you have your health to think of also....caregiving is very draining....emotionally, physically and mentally. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

loads of hugs and warm prayers coming to you ...like the others, I can't imagine what you've beeen thru emotionally in the past 5 yrs. I'm sure it's also been a strain for your DH. Helping your FIL make this transistion will be the healthiest thing you can do for all 3 of you. VERY hard in the short term, but the long term result will be 3 people who can once again enjoy themselves and each other's company. We've got DD, her toddler and (part time) her 6 yr old living with us right now, and my folks living next door to us. Thankfully they can still take care of themselves, but Dad is going to be 88 in Feb and Mom 84 in Mar, so there's no way of knowing if or when the situation might change.

Will continue to pray for all of you to have a smooth transistion.

Pat

TMG, I have never been in your situation, but I can imagine the struggle it is. I will have you in my prayers as well as your FIL and DH.

My heart goes out to you. 5 years is a very long time to be taking care of a 91-year old. Like someone else pointed out, he will be taken care of by other people. He also will meet new people and be starting a new chapter in his life. And you deserve your life, you did all you could. Prayers and Blessings to you.
Take care,
Bianchi

Oh TMG! My heart goes out to you. I really agree with what
rchovey said..."Your FIL will be safe and taken care of by skilled people who do this 8-12 hours at a time, then get to go home, something you haven't been able to do for 5 years" They get to leave, and come back each day refreshed,
and get paid for the work too. You need the time to refresh
too. I know the guilt will be tough. But once you get your life back, that will soon go away. Telling him will be really tough too.....but who knows, he may be just fine with it. Good luck to you TMG.........keep us posted.

Hazie

TM .all the others have said all that needs to be said.You need a life too.You have given him 5 yrs of your life and it's time to let him go.you are losing yourself and you can't do that.your too important to a lot of people including him and a lot of us here too. If you lose yourself you can't even help him if he lives with you.Your husband needs to understand this and help you find a place that will care for him.that way when you see him he's seeing the real you and not a shell of what once was.I'm sure he soesn't want that for you either,deep down.God Bless you,you've been a good DIL.

OH KATHY!!! YOU ARE SOOO LOVED by All of US here!!! YOU have been a HUGE part of my Saving Grace being here on the forum these last few months, I can't even tell you!! The word "crisis" in chinese means "change" and it just seems to fit for these kinds of situations/challenges. You have had enough, and it's okay to be where you are. Everyone will have to find a way to handle the change, and never forget that prayers are being said for you by us who adore and cherish you!!! Please keep talking to us so we can help you thru this!! I pray for everyone on this web site everyday because I am so grateful for you all, Jane

Kathy, I know this was hard for you to share with us, and a very hard decision to make. Think of it that the rest will be easier, you've made the decision, now things will fall into place.Life is full of challenges and you will get through this and be stronger and more peaceful because of it. You can also feel proud that you did the right thing when you took him in, and that you recognized that it was no longer the right thing.It will take a little time but you will come to terms with this and feel better for making the changes. Then start to create again, and let that help heal you.
Hugs,
Cindy

Please dont feel guilty. As a nurse who works with this population, I have seen many people in this position. Most people who try to care for their elderly parents can only do it for so long. It is hard. I am in your position right now.
You have given and done all you can and when you are tired and depressed your loved one is better served by having caregivers
somewhere else and having you feeling good about them when you come and see them and being able to give your all to that. You are not being selfish either. If you are at this point, everyone, you, your family and your father is better off with a balance restored where spending time with them is a good thing not a hardship. Free yourself from guilt and enjoy, truly enjoy the time you have left with him as a healthy complete sane person that is unburdened. Its OK.

Ok...anyone got a tissue!?!?!
I can get so caught up in my own problems...think I'm the only one going through stuff....and then...wow!
Everyone here has spoken such words of comfort that have even comforted me! You are all so SPECIAL and I am so THANKFUL that I found this forum!
I keep trying to tell myself that "this too shall pass"...well like Calamity said...crisis means change and one thing we can always be sure of is that things ALWAYS change...maybe not as soon as we would like but they do change.
I echo what all the others have said...Kathy, you deserve to have your life back and you will be in my prayers, also...for strength, wisdom and renewed life.
Breathe deep...crying is cleansing...and tomorrow is a new day! This, too, shall pass!!! We are here for you!

Crystal

Toomuch- I havent even read all the posts but I have tears in my eyes for you...I know (or will know) what you feel. It will be up to me to cafe for my Mom some day..Im not ready for it..dont know if I ever will be. Im not trying to whine just stating facts.

I also will be praying for you......Bless you and yours, your decision is not the wrong one...even if it hurts!!!

Dear Tooomuch, Kathy:
I feel what you say tooo!!!
I am praying for you !!!! You are a Good Person!!!
You are not wrong.... Your being Honest !!!
You have reached out... and told the truth!!!!
You are having to help save yourself tooooo!
HALT --- H A L T ~~~~~ STOP!!! Don't get to
Hungry __ Angry ___ Lonely ___ or tired
I am helping my DD and Her infant DD !!!
It is rewarding... but busy and I am older..I love them both very very much !! and I am very BLESSED TO BE ABLE TO HELP !!! I want to do all I can... but I get tired and I Feel in the middle sometimes... times get stressful.. but It is also very comforting -** say a MIXED BAG !!!
and it is hard on people SHARING/ Care-Giving !!!giving up your self.. your time... your needs... your desires..
BUT ~~~~~~~~
God~~~~~
God is Powerful !!! He Has a P L A N !!!
He will help all of us through ALL our difficult times !!
He P R O M I S E S THAT>..
I love that poem... Footprints in the Sand...
Remember to read it...
WHen there is only l ONE set of footprints...
That is where GOD was Carring US !!!
So Kathy:
You are a Wonderful person for loving and caring...
and you are S T I L L .... Loving and Caring!!
Your just going to be Sharing the Care Giving with some
PROFESSIONAL People that are more able to help a 91 year old.... you can still see him... you can still visit and you will for sure still be LOVING HIM and praying for him....
You know...
each one of us has to think...
what would we expect someone to do for us..
and we also have to KNOW...
We are not able to do it all!!!
Thank you for being so open and honest and willing to share...
That is very healing to you and to us !!!
and you know what...
Your A R T W O R K is a very important extension of you and your creative work ... it is very healing... it is very helpful for you to share with us... and very healing for us to see you creating....
the C I R C L E of life.. the circle of caring ... the circle of sharing...
Yes... the beat goes on!!!
Thanks to you !!!
so consider yourself held in Very High Regards !!!!
We think the W O R L D of YOU!!!!!
Keep on being YOU, Kathy
The wonderful wife, and daughter in law etc...
that GOD has made you !!!
You are YOU , there is NO other one like YOU !!!
God Made you very S P E C I A L !!!!
and you are not wrong to express your own needs !!!
it is OK !!!
God BLess you and your family!!!
Your friend,
Susiesunshine
Just take One Day at a Time !
Just keep being the wonderful YOU !!! it is OK !!!

((((((((((((((((((((Slow))))))))))))))))))

Don't feel badly about this. It may work out to be the best thing for him. My MIL is out of state. My SIL cares for her and it's been so hard on my SIL. My MIL was falling, forgetting her meds,etc. She finally fell and fractured a vertebrae she laid on the floor in pain all night long. She didn't want to use her alert button because she was afraid too. After three days in the hospital she went to rehab in a nursing home. She's been there for 90 days now and she is so happy. She has gained weight, enjoys the other people her age and because of the therapy she is physically better then she has been in a year! She isn't going to leave there now. It's such a relief for all of us.
Good Luck Slow.
You all will be in my thoughts and prayers
Betsy

I'm blessed to have you all as friends. Your words mean alot to me . We're working to find a "home" for him now. I hope it's soon. I KNOW he'll be happier there & I'll have peace of mind , Something I haven't had for years ! I'll be hanging in there knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

I love you all ........ ((((((((((( Hugs)))))))))))

Just to cheer you up....

Here is a link that might be useful: {{!gwi}}

OMG !! THat's cute ! I have an ear to ear smile !!!

Thanks for the boost ! ((((((( Jane ))))))))))

TMG, well you have prayers coming from all over the place. I'm sending mine your way too. These are tough decisions. God Bless you all!

Jane, thanks for your prayers. That is so thoughtful to remember all of us. Our forum is a big blessing!

oh, you are sooooooo not alone in your struggle to keep your sanity....
my mom has been with my brother, an hour north of me, for going on 4 years...she needs more and more care, with each passing month..
he called me one day, to say..."are you ready to take mom now, it's your turn?".........
uh....well, no........I don't have it in me to do that kind of care..so where does that leave me?
feeling guilty, that's where

recently, his MIL died, so I had my mom for 4 days...
that was what it took, to realize what I had been hearing from others...just what others are saying to you now.
you need to preserve your health. it's one thing to feel like you need to do this and it's totally a different thing to have the strength to do it, day after day, after day, after month, on to years.

you have hit the saturation point and one thing you really have to do, along with need to do, is to realize the FIL needs a higher level of care.
he needs that..trained staff, his own surroundings for his needs.

I'm grateful, along with all others here, that your DH is doing what has/needs to be done.
you will recover your stamina and be back to where you were a while ago and for Heaven's sake...don't feel anything other than it's the best for all of you..

one of my kids, who used to not get along with my mom, when he was younger, because he didn't understand her deterioration health, is now working in an Alzheimer's care facility. Now, a dozen years later, he can see what it's all about...he is the one, who also encouraged me not to take on the responsibility of my mom.

when staff is trained for the particulars of aging, in all forms, you have to let go and let them take over, where you leave off.
please stay strong in knowing we all stand by you. this decision is difficult but the alternative is worse...you're health will go straight down hill.

many prayers are coming your way...
when you have those moments of unclarity..you need to know that even though you can't see us..we're right here, holding your hand.

have peace now and take a deep breath. this will begin to level out soon.

much love

;(*_*);

I Keep looking back at my post. I just really can't believe the outpouring of love and support I am getting .
I'm printing this whole thread out for myself ... and when I'm in a low spot .... I'll take it and read it ... and re-read it ... and read it again & again & again ... and know I have people that know what I'm going through . Let me tell you .... I know a zillion people on line ....I never opened up to them like this .... they are casual friends. You ...are my True friends.

I wish I had everyone's address ... just to send a thank you . *sigh*

well said Becky

Blessings to you, TMG ... for having the capacity of love to welcome this man into your home, and then for taking care of him for so long. You're not a trained professional caretaker, and even if you were ... they don't do it 24x7 like you have been!

I don't know if I can word this correctly, hope you can understand what I WANT to say even if the words aren't exactly right ... What will be exciting is for you to regain your ability to look forward to seeing him, to having dinner with him, to going places with him. You'll once again find pleasure in being around him.

This will take a little time, but it WILL happen.

((((((((((((((((DH))))))))))))))

hugs to your DH, too. He must be really torn and stressed trying to keep everyone happy. I think this will be the right decision. Until then go break something when you feel bad ( something to mosaic with, of course!!)

Maria

TMG I keep forgetting this side is here. Hugs to you. I know how hard this must be for you. My friend here had to put her Mom in a home and we would go by and see her often. Let me tell you I WANTED to go stay in that home myself. Meals served laundry done for you. Like others have said people to visit with. Some of the places are so nice now. Like resorts. The people there seemed to be enjoying each others company and some were just sleeping sitting up on the couches watching TV through their eye lids. It was a nice place. I think the most important thing is to go visit him often. I hope this move goes smoothly for you. I have missed your creativity here so much.

Chris

I just wanted to give you a big HUG, hang in there, and vent as needed.

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I know how it is, because my Mom went through it with my father. It was her choice, and she kept him home with severe Parkinsons for 6 years and refused much help except from myself. I was a care giver to profoundly disabled adults during the week, and would then go home on weekends and take care of my Dad, and my Mom would leave the house. She was so depressed and no longer "herself". Dad eventually had to be hospitalized full-time, and Mom went daily, but began to slowly change.
When Dad passed away, Mom totally changed. She is an amazing, mostly up-beat great friend to me now. I love her so much for the strength that she showed.
You have shown that same strength, and part of being strong is making right choices for EVERYONE. And you never know how this could be a wonderful thing for your Dad too.
Best of all, your husband has put himself in your shoes and UNDERSTANDS.
Hugs to you, and hoping every day looks just a tiny bit brighter until all the fog has lifted and you feel "yourself" once again,

GGG

((((((Big Hug!!))))) I suffer from depression myself,for the past few years. I take medication, but.......some days it just doesn't help :) Creating fills up my days, but some days I can't even get out of bed(sometimes for weeks,I'm sorry to say:) I got a sign in my kitchen now that says "There is always always always something to be thankful for"...sometimes seeing that sign helps me:) My son died at age 27.