That is a good one Jo...a little male and female bashing combined....heh

Cute...of course, I clicked all the way to the end. LOL

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also,since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and hang out with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York, running for
President of the United States - act like one!

The Phone Call

'Hello?'
'Hi honey. This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got
an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now.'

Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door
and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did it Daddy.'
'And what happened honey?' 'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out
of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped
over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?' 'He jumped out of the bed
with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back
window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know
that you took out the water ast week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the
pool and I think he's dead.'

**Long Pause**
***Longer Pause***
****Even Longer Pause****

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?'

This is why women should not take men shopping
against their will:

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton
insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men -- he
found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most
women -- she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter
from her local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton......
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly
put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares
to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the
floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to
put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign
to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could
help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera
and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the anti depressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and moaned, "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least..........

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards......... Wal-Mart

I'm taking notes on the shopping one...all kinds of ideas popping into my head.

Those are hilarious! Thanks!

Ultimate Female Joke

It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work c*cktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the wom an could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said:

"Clean my house."

Where To Retire...

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open the oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there, rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The four seasons are: fire, flood, mud, and drought.

You can live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature".
4. You think that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can live in Maine where...

1. You have only four spices: salt, pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over Parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can live in the deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "he needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You could live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $4,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the Mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition, "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND you can live in Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind....even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."

A little girl and her mother were out and about. Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older." The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife:
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

FUNNY!!!!

This is really a good one that was forwarded to me by a friend - of course, it's a joke:

Dont you just love to mess with some peopleÂs minds?! Ask a really dumb question and you deserve the answer you get!

I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a 50 lb. bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Duh? On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her, "No, I'd been sitting in the street, licking my behind, and a car hit me!"

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing.

Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love deeply, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.

Message from a friend - Thanks! I just thought I would share with my fellow GW pals:

Old Age, I have decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging belly. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my father!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own best friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio.

I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon - before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set - they, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful, but there again, some of life is just as well forgotten, and I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? Broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, I like being old - it has set me free.

I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If I feel like it)!

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART, ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!

MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!

PS: Many older men still have lead in their pencil....sadly, they have no one to write to!

One evening, a young lady came home from a date rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband. "

The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription ."

LOL - both are really funny - what a nice way to start my day - two great jokes from one of my favorite friends! Hugs, Jo

Glad you liked them, Jo...Hugs back and here's another one I liked.

A United States Marine, who had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan, was attending some college courses between assignments. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, " Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor and socked him hard, knocking him off the platform! The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken. He looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like a fool. So, He sent me."

LOL! Good one again!

Michael, this is for you, Babe:

Wine or Water?
Benjamin Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom.

In beer there is freedom.

In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -- bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*#!

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information!!!

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of a curved road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads: "The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now - Before It's Too Late!" As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

____________________________

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars:
- The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
- The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
- The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.
- The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the Sermon, the minister reported the following results:
-The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
- The second worm in cigarette - Dead.
- The third worm in chocolate - Dead.
- The fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as your drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

MORNING SEX

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

His eyes lit up and he thought,
'This is my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
And then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,
'Thanks,'
And returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked,
'What was that all about?'

She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'

OMG...that last one is hilarious. LoL I copied it and passed it on to those I know who would appreciate it.

Thanks jeaniwa - I don't do jokes very well (other than laugh at them). When someone sent this to me I JUMPED at the chance to put something good on this thread. I'm still laughing at it!! I'm still trying to find people to send it to!

Colonoscopy:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the! rectum "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The a%% h*le is usually in charge !!

Yep, Mary - that is SO TRUE!

It's just a shame that there are so many of them out there!!

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them.
It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor,
"The prescription is to clear your sinuses.
Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm ... the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer ... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

An older lady was lonely and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely, too. Buy me, and you won't be sorry." The old lady figured what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, and you won't be sorry." So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into? The first motel she could find. (She's old, not dead!)

***********************************************************

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, Mildred took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart was located. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

***********************************************************

Have you heard about the guys who drove their pickup truck into a lumberyard?
One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said.
"Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck.
"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later.
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check."
After awhile he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house."

good joke RE "Earl", Jo!. Guess I'd shoot the same place - LOL!!

gng

Well, ya know I don't create any of these jokes, nor recall them from memory - I copy and paste all of them from different websites.

I hope they make someone laugh - I try to read jokes and belly-laugh every day - it's healthy for you.