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Off Topic - a couple of 'tee-hees' for you

Posted by kayjones (My Page) on
Mon, Dec 15, 03 at 15:07

Male or Female
===============

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being
female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or "She's listing to
starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer scientists
(all males) announced that computers should also be referred to
as female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow.

FIVE REASONS to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as
informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you,
then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think
that computers should be referred to as if they were male.
Their reasons follow.

FIVE REASONS to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they are the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

NOW FOR SOME refreshing news for your holiday reading:

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game
while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in
the summer each year,

male reindeer drop their antlers
at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers
till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition
depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them,
from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.

We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would
be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all
around the world in one night and not get lost!!!!!

If anyone else has OTHER "TEE-HEES" to add, do it here - who will be NEXT? LOL


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Off Topic - a couple of 'tee-hees' for you

In the spirit of giving men a hard time I'll pass this one along...heh..got it in email over the weekend..sorry if anyone has heard it

Eve's Side of the Story...

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how 's
everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.
"The sun rises and Sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the lights --
everything is wonderful." "But I have just this one problem. It 's these
three breasts that you have given me." "The middle one pushes the other two
out, and I am constantly Knocking them with my arms, catching them on
branches, snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body
(such as her limbs, eyes, and ears) came in pairs, and she felt that having
only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced",as she
put it.

"That is a fair point, "replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you
know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half
of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." God
reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well,
Eve, how is my favorite creation now?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "but
for one oversight on your part. You see all the animals are paired off. The
ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except
me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a
man from a part of you....Now let's see...Where did I put that useless
boob?"

Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that business about the rib?


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one more

one more....for those that are too critical of their own spelling and that of others

Words/Letters

According to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

forknig amzanig huh?


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RE: Off Topic - a couple of 'tee-hees' for you

Try going to google and typing in miserable failure.

You can either hit the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button, or do a regular Google search and check out the top selection.


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RE: Off Topic - a couple of 'tee-hees' for you

I guess either I missed something or it didn't take me to the site you are referring to. Would you kindly tell me where I messed up?


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RE: Off Topic - a couple of 'tee-hees' for you

Kay, I think she was referring to politics....heh...one subject that is about as no-win with me as is religious discussions


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RE: Off Topic - a couple of 'tee-hees' for you

Sorry folks. Not appropriate for this forum. I had a moment of not thinking and posted it here, where it does not belong.


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RE: Off Topic - a couple of 'tee-hees' for you

A little twisted, but not political

Required: Flash 5, a sense of humor.

Here is a link that might be useful: Xmas funny


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Don't mess with older women!

PRETTY SMART "OLDER" WOMAN!!

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a drivers license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Moral of the story... Don't Mess With Older Women!!


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RE: Off Topic - a couple of 'tee-hees' for you

Here's a link to a sound file...about 10 minutes long but it has an ironic twist at the end. I got a chuckle out of it, anyway....ah the joy of marriage..heh

Here is a link that might be useful: Superbowl plans gone bad


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Anger Management...heh...oldie but a goodie

Anger Management

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone--don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know!

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Frank Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude! I then tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.)

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an ***hole!" and I hung up. Then I wrote his number down, with the word '***hole' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an ***hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller, ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '***hole' calling would have to stop. Decided to ring him up and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. Then quickly I rang him back and said, "That's because you're an ***hole!"

One day while getting ready to pull into a parking spot at the grocery store, some kid in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, naturally
I jotted down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ***hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW ***hole, too.

"Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an ***hole!" Then I hung up, and added his
number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two ***holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. Then I came up with an idea: I called ***hole #1. "Hello" "You're an ***hole! (but I didn't hang up). "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me,"
he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?!" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you
live?" "***hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beamer parked in front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ***hole."

Then I called ***hole #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello ***hole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ***," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, ***hole, here's your chance, I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Next I phoned Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th St.

Quickly I jumped into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two very rude ***holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a TV news crew. Now, I feel better...I have managed
my anger.


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RE: Off Topic - a couple of 'tee-hees' for you

A veteran with a wooden leg limped into Paddy's bar, sat down and asked for a beer. He took a sip and looked around as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. The only other customer was a man who wore what looked like the robe so many Arabs wear.

The man had long hair and a beard, plus several strange looking scars near his hairline.

He called the bartender over and said, "Didja notice that guy looks a lot like pictures of Jesus?"

"He is Jesus" said the bartender.

"Give him a beer and put it on my tab:"

The next customer was a hunchback who could only walk by dragging his left foot. He too ordered a beer.

After a while he called the bartender over and said the long haired customer looked a lot like pictures of Jesus,

"He is" said the veteran,

"Give him a beer and put it on my tab". The bartender carried another bottle to Jesus and pointed at the hunchback, Jesus lifted the bottle and acknowledged the gift.

Later a redneck stumpled in, leaning on a cane, one arm in a sling, and wearing a neck brace. He ordered a beer, then turned toward the two other customers.

"Hey, don't that guy look like God's boy?"

He's Jesus the veteran told him. The hunchback nodded agreement.

"Give that boy over there a beer" the redneck shouted at the bartender.

After a while, Jesus stood up and began to walk to the door, the stopped and turned toward the veteran.

"Because you acknowledged me and gave me a gift, I will cure you" The wooden leg fell to the floor, replaced by one of flesh and blood,

He turned to the hunchback.

"You showed your faith in me and you shall be rewarded" Jesus told him.

Instantly the hunchback stood straight, tested his left leg and began to dance, praising Jesus for this miracle.

Finally, Jesus turned toward the redneck.

"You stay the Hell away from me" the redneck yelled. "I'm on disability"
__________________


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