Why A Woman's Flirts......

18 years ago

......... with a taken Man?

If there is one thing that I have always been curious about, it is why many women flirt with me when I am in a relationship, but then when I am single they hardly know me?

What is it behind this behavior? Don't they realize how shallow it makes them appear?

Comments (20)

jeaninwa
18 years ago
No, it's because when you are taken, you are "safe".

And, why do you feel that makes them shallow?

Jean
bogi
Original Author
18 years ago
Jan,

I was not in any danger.

Would you feel one was shallow if they have acknowleged your presence, acted like a long lost friend, want to dance with you etc...... Then ummmm, do I know you?

Two faced or shallow....take your pick.

What were her intentions of the flirting while safe?
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Bob, it's not that I thought you had an "alterior" motive, I was giving my cynical, sarcastic take on the art of flirting. I also said that being humane and cordial and flirting are not mutually exclusive activities, they can be done separately, or mixed, but they can be confused one for the other, hence why women may be more inclined to risk the whole endeavor, cordial, sexy or humane, with someone who is "safe" emotionally, i.e. with someone with whom there is no fear of rejection, or with someone who might not be an ax murderer since he at least has a girlfriend or wife he hasn't done in yet. :-) If you feel like you're invisible or are striking out a lot in your attempts to court women, (flirt, be humane, whatever you want to call it) don't be discouraged. Any woman of a "certain age" will tell you that one of the hardest parts about growing older, is gradually becoming "invisible" to men. Not all men, but a lot of them. You find yourself having a pleasant cordial conversation with a middle aged man, you start to wonder if he's single and available, you consider sending out a tiny feeler in that direction, and then a young woman walks into the room and "poof," you vanish. This doesn't happen all the time, but often enough to be a recognizable phenomenon. The whole process is just agonizing any way you cut it. I repeat, DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED. For every woman who treats you like you don't exist, there are five others wishing someone would notice them and treat them like they exist! It's just a matter of these two people finding each other. Keep trying! :-)
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jeaninwa
18 years ago
I'm thinking it's not them, it's probably your perception of them.

And, are you calling me by the wrong name on purpose?
That's a real OOOLLLLLDDDDD trick, and one maybe you should look into.

In fact, instead of trying to analyse other people's behavior, maybe you could focus more on yourself.

Maybe your body language is more inviting when you are in a relationship. More relaxed.

And, by "safe" I meant that if women who are acquantances are flirting while you are taken, then THEY feel safe flirting with you. Flirting DOESN'T mean "Take me to bed", it means RELAX AND HAVE SOME FUN!

Jean
centralcacyclist
18 years ago
Hmmm.

My ex used to tell me about women flirting with him in obvious and intent laden ways. He was youngish at the time, successful, tall, and drove a nice car so I figured it was all true. One of these women was a good friend of mine, according to him. Another was a 20 year old hot-bodied aerobics instructor.

Since then he has become a middle-aged, very fat, broke, gray haired frumpy guy in an old dented Honda. He still thinks women are flirting with him. Nurses in the hospital, grocery baggers, whomever. So I expect he has mistaken simple good natured friendliness for flirtation.

So, Bob, in your case is this really flirting? Or just a woman being friendly in the context of work or socializing?

Do I flirt? Sure, in an ego-boosting friendly way. Calling my men friends--involved or not--"good-looking" as a way of a light hearted greeting. But I draw the line at seduction-type flirting. (Which I stink at anyway.)
cube1067
18 years ago
Flirting makes *both* people feel attractive. That's why women flirt. Flirting with the taken man is safer for the flirter because it's a given that nothing will come of it - or "should" come of it. You can be sexy without risk of being attacked (physically or verbally) for being sexy. Whereas flirting with the single man may leave that man frustrated and angry, thus making him feel justified in attacking the woman.

Another angle, Bogi, is that nothing makes a man more attractive to a woman than the fact that he has a woman. A man that nobody wants is not attractive. A man that has some woman's interest suddenly becomes attractive. Makes us wonder what he has that she knows about that we may have missed. Even Barney Fife seems more attractive when he has a woman on his arms.

You know, it bugs me that men act so clueless about this when it has been this way since the beginning of time. I've even noticed that if I am dating a man, it seems like I attract the interest of other men...men who ignored me when I was dateless. I am so sure that this is true that in order to spice up my dating life, I started dating someone I'm not crazy about. Guess what...two new men have give me their phone numbers since I started dating. I dunno, maybe it's something to do with pheremones.
msmagoo
18 years ago
I do think some men think a women is flirting when she is just being nice. But, yes i do agree that a woman flirts with a married man because he is considered safe, only thing, some married men perceive that as a come-on and try to give you their cell phone number!
bogi
Original Author
18 years ago
It still does not answer.....What is the point of it?
To make yourself (the flirt) feel good? I doesn't really make me feel good because I know that she wouldn't flirt with me if I did not have someone on my arm. WHICH makes her advance shallow and disengenuious.

To piss off the guys beau maybe?

Being safe is not a reason to flirt. It is pointless. If you are trying to be human and cordial (in a sense),why not acknowlege the man when he is alone? Believe me, you would score "personality" points if nothing else.

Regards ....

Bob

PS...Jean,... Isn't most of the stuff on this forum one form of analyzing or another? Cripes...it makes the world go round. (FYI...I analyze myself constantly...everyday )
jeaninwa
18 years ago
OK, sounds like a personal preferance.

Just tell them to knock it off, it makes them seem shallow and callus. I bet they'll stop right quick.

Jean
lpinkmountain
18 years ago
Bob, you have to realize what it's like to live in a woman's world. Often, ordinary "cordial" behavior from a woman is interpreted as "flirting" and just "being nice" invites unwanted sexual approaches from men. Some men you have to practically spit in their face to get them to leave you alone, and this is considered "rude" but when you tried nicely to discourage them it didn't work. Women who do not give you the time of day when they are single and you are single are doing so because they do not want nice behavior interpreted by you to mean they are interested in a dating relationship with you. Perhaps when you are "in a relationship" women you meet are not as worried about this. Are you really complaining that women are not human or cordial to you, or that they are not responding to your attempts at flirting with them enough to ask them out? In other words, did you really look across the room at that attractive single woman and think, "Ya know, I really should go over there and be human and cordial to her," or was something else on your mind? I see nothing wrong with either approach, and they can be mixed, but don't confuse the two.
rosewood42
18 years ago
Bogi men do exactly the same thing. When i was single men seemed so intimated by me now that i am married they are coming out of the woodwork and don't seem to care that i am married, so you tell me what's up with that? For women that do that i think they are just out looking for a good time and don't want the man to get attached to them so they look for the ones that are taken, i guess it's the same with men.
the_crispycritter
18 years ago
Bogi - that's a riot.. I used to notice the same.. that it seemed when I was in a relationship, men felt more comfortable with me but when I was single it felt like they were ignoring me... I think it is the great yin-yang of life! When we are happy and secure in a relationship we are more carefree, interactions seem to happen so automagically. I think folks are more approachable when they are happy. In my last relationship, I was not happy. So now that I'm on my own, in some ways I am happier and I feel I am more approachable. And it "seems" that men are flirting with me more... ah, perceptions!
leon_2006
17 years ago
hi, i am in a relationship with a younger woman, 20. And we have gone out about 2 months. we get along very well.
she has a twisted sense of humor,like joking around by saying ,"Leon sucks", and stuff like that. i have talked to her about that and she says she is just joking around and loves me. i know some people have trouble being close to another person and expressing themselves to the other in the relationship.I'm used to it now.
But something i kinda noticed awhile back is that she is a really bad flirt. like she was flirting with my bestfriend the other nite by rubbing her foot on his or just poking him with her finger. she was looking at me too so i know she was trying to make me jealous. i trust my best friend and she says to trust her, but some of the things she does and says, like to a guy friend of hers, she said to him onthe phone while i was there next to her, he said to her that he broke up with this girl and then she said, oh good then you can go out with me. i know she likes him too and she likes my bestfriend too, but she says she doesn't want anyone else and too trust her. i know she isn't gonna sleep with them, but when she says and does things flirting it kinda makes me wonder. When she says and does things like that she kinda laughs about it and trys to make a joke about it looking at me. Is she serious about the things she says and does flirting?She says she's happy with me.Is this stuff happening cuz of her age and sometimes her lack of maturity sometimes.
Can someone help me out with a bit of insite into this type of situation.
thanks,
Leon
centralcacyclist
17 years ago
Leon, I don't how old you are. 20 is very young. She sounds immature and manipulative. Immaturity can be outgrown.
eloise_ca
17 years ago
Leon, I think she is just toying with you. If I were you, I would not get too deeply (emotionally) involved. She might be young, but I believe she knows what she is doing; and in my opinion, she is disrespecting you!

Bogi, I agree that sometimes one flirts with a taken person because it is safe, i.e., the action won't go any further than just flirting. When someone is taken, sometimes that person is more attractive to the opposite sex, which I believe is because their partner completes them, i.e., one is happier, feel more alluring, feel very sexy, and very confident of oneself. This happens whether female or male. Of course, there are those that flirt just because they think it's fun and don't care of the consequences.
nickflash25
17 years ago
hello to all, i'm a 25 y/o black male in a committed relationship with a 19 y/o black female. we've been together only 4 months, and both have confessed love for each other. we make out passionately, but we haven't had sex because she is still a virgin and says we have to wait until marriage to do it. the problem is that she's with me, and i think she may really desire something else. i've observed her check out white guys when she thinks i'm not looking, and i've never caught her checking out guys of any other race. she'll arch the back and stick the boobs out, twirl the hair, or just make eye concact. she denied it the first time i jokingly called her out on it, but after an argument about it she admitted she was wrong for checking the guy out right in front of me. my thing is, if she would prefer some vanilla in her chocolate she should go after what she really wants instead of settling for me. she has admitted to me that she used to have a thing for white guys in high school, but her peers gave her a very hard time about it and she's dated only within her race since. my question is, if she tries to subtely flirt with white guys when i'm around her, what kind of flirting does she do when i'm not around? and it's not a race issue with me, the issue is i don't want to be second option to the one i'm with. she is a gemini, and the thing is i think she really does love me and i know she's attracted to me. maybe she fears rejection from the black community if she dates outside her race, so she'd rather get with a black guy to avoid the heartache. i really don't know about this one, i get mixed signals and it has me thinking so much into it. i would greatly appreciate some insight or opinions on this.

thanks
asolo
17 years ago
"Committed relationship" and "19" don't belong in the same sentence. You're dating a little girl. Commitment is a grown up concept. I think you're describing a game-player.
nickflash25
17 years ago
asolo, the funny thing is that she has accused me of being the one who playes games. and she is probably still a little girl, her parents still give her a curfew at 19! but other than her flighty nature she's perfect for me, she's gorgeous, very intelligent, and we enjoy each others company. it's like half of me wants to let her go, but the other half doesn't want to mess this up. i've tried to break up with her twice, and she's tried to break up with me once, but we always get back together. she tells me it hurts her the way i accuse of her checking out other guys, but the problem is i'm right! i really want it to work between us, but there is some doubt.
asolo
17 years ago
At the risk of sounding simplistic, all any of us has is our own character. In this case I'm saying "what's OK with me and what isn't" hopefully based sound rationale, discernment, and personal goals and intentions. Our conduct and conversation is how other people judge us -- and how they learn about themselves from being around us. It's who we are and who we are working to become. Does this person help YOU become a better person? Is there synergy in your union or are you just 1+1 and that's it? You can't control her. All you can do is control yourself and decide what's OK or not OK as far as you're concerned. The behavior you've described for her seems silly to me. I don't know how you can build on that. My world is full of gorgeous, flighty people. I'll bet yours is, too. That doesn't sound like "intelligence" to me. It sounds like an immature woman who doesn't quite know who she is yet -- or what's important and what's not. I think you're ahead of her. I think she needs to go forward rather than your going back -- which is what your acceptance of this silliness in her would be. You've described someone who is looking for a lead to follow but either hasn't found it in you or actually has but doesn't recognize it or respect it because of her youth and inexperience. Unless you're being silly too (doesn't sound like you are) she may have a decision to make. Or, maybe you do. A "committed" woman, doesn't give her man this kind of grief. If the roles were reversed, I'd be saying the same thing.
nickflash25
17 years ago
i guess my hope is knowing that immaturity can be outgrown. i'm a freshman myself when it comes to relationships, as she is the first one i've ever confessed love for and meant it. i'm thinking about just playing it cool for awhile and just observing her behaviors, while not allowing my emotions to dictate how i see her. they say the first love is always the most difficult to let go, and it applies here.
mymacca
17 years ago
I think I have been misinterpreted on many occasions.

I'm Asexual (Non-sexual, Hypo-sexual) and have had simple social greetings or a plain friendly smile misinterpreted as flirting.

I have admit that I am VERY careful about being friendly with a single man (or a married man who cheats) because they tend to interpret any acknowledgement as an invitation.

I suppose I may have not been as "guarded" with my friends' spouses simply because I really wouldn't have expected them to make sexual advances towards me, but I have been "rudely awakened" on more than one occasion.

I just don't understand why I get accused of being sexy...I'm REALLY, REALLY NOT!!!

Why A Woman's Flirts......

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Why A Woman's Flirts......

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