Return to the Single Life Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
'separated'

Posted by CarrieB (My Page) on
Mon, Nov 17, 03 at 9:49

Hi All,

As some of you know, I've been doing Internet dating since mid-summer. (I had a first date Friday AND Saturday nights and have another tonight!)

I've disqualified men out-of-hand who indicate their status as "separated". I have no problem dating divorced or widowed men, but my sense is that people generally need some time and distance to process a breakup before they are ready to move on.

Do you think I should be more flexible?


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: 'separated'

NO WAY! Never mess with another monkey's monkey!!! LOL I've been somewhat involved in a relationship with a 'separated' guy - many years ago - bad deal. Just remember, if he cheats on his SO, he WILL cheat on you. I am so happy you are able to share your life with others thru dating - the mantra for singles: I'm Single and FREE to mingle. There are still a few great guys out there ( I just took ONE off the market!), so put your life into the SUPERIOR Being's hands, as I did, and good things WILL come. I feel so truely blessed at this time in my life, and found that I DO NOT have to "settle" for some other gal's "leftovers". Keep us posted on how your dating is going. Isn't ROMANCE exciting?!!! LOL


 o
RE: 'separated'

Hi Carrie,

I really enjoy reading your posts -- we share so many of the same thoughts and ideas. I've just about come to the conclusion that it all depends on the person and their situation. I once knew a man who had been divorced for 12 years and I swear he still wasn't over it. Up until a year ago, I would have said "no way" to separated and would have been very leery of anyone divorced less than a year. But, as fate would have it, I met and fell in love with a man who separated at the time. Keep in mind, he was already out of the house/living on his own and the divorce had been filed before I ever met him. I was really apprehensive about getting involved for fear that he'd go back to his wife, would constantly compare me to her or want our life together to be identical to the one he'd given up. As it turned out, my fears were completely unfounded. I try to live a good, moral life and was concerned about the stigma attached to dating a man who was still married to someone else, but those that know me, know the kind of person I am and accepted the situation -- although every time I spoke to my parents, the first thing they always wanted to know was whether or not the divorce was final (LOL)!! I totally agree with your feeling that people need time and distance to process a breakup, but wonder if some people go through that process while still married. In the case of my SO, their marriage was so bad the last two years that I think he began the emotional separation long before he moved out. So, when we met, he was ready to move on and just waiting for it (the divorce) to be final (which it now is).

You seem to have a very good head on your shoulders and I think the best advice I can offer is "go with your gut" or "be a little more flexible, but keep your guard up". Just make darn sure that if they're "separated", they really are!! One of the pitfalls with on-line dating is they can tell you they're separated when they're really not. Make sure he's out of the house and a divorce has been filed (and is proceeding at a steady pace). In many states, you can search court records regarding divorce records (when it was filed, by who, where it's at in the process, etc.). Also, do an internet search on his name -- you'd be surprised what you can learn (or verify) about a person.

Janet


 o
RE: 'separated'

I myself would be leary of the term "separated" in a personal ad....if I met the person in one on one situation and she told me that she was separated and planning on a divorce then I would like to think that thru conversation I could tell if she was indeed ready to move on, then I could handle that, but..........that being said, I'd wager for every separated person that is advertising themselves, there are 9, that are doing it just to feel better about themselves and would go back to their ex in a moments notice if they felt they were wanted back


 o
RE: 'separated'

Thanks all.

I generally don't correspond with anyone who indicates he's separated. Recently, a man contacted me who was separated, and we exchanged a few emails back and forth, but I had not yet gotten the details of his separated status. He indicated that he wanted to talk to me on the phone, and I asked for his phone number. He emailed me his number, with very specific daytime hours that it was OK for me to call. That served as a red flag for me and I wrote back that after some thought, I'd come to the conclusion that I was not comfortabe getting to know anyone who was not fully divorced.

He also had not posted a photo on the website, and I suspect that no photo is often (though certainly not always, and maybe not even most of the time) an indication that they are married.


 o
RE: 'separated'

Carrie -- I definitely think you made the right call on that one!!

Janet


 o
RE: 'separated'

Carrie, I am SO proud of you - when you first posted this delimma, the goose bumps covered my body as I remembered going through what proved to be a most heart breaking ordeal. I think everyone has offered right-on perspectives, but ultimately, it's what your gut feeling is that you should do. Thank GOD you didn't pursue it!


 o
RE: 'separated'

dilemma - Sorry for the typo - just not my efficient
self these days! LOL Whatever you do, don't get involved with "SUPER" man - you can't think of anything but him -normal functioning goes right out the window!


 o
RE: 'separated'

You did the right thing in this instance, Carrie....you could be able to call someone at anytime and not have a planned time that is right....you saw the red flags and acted appropriately


 o
RE: 'separated'

Carrie,

I just went through a "divorce recovery" seminar this weekend. The consensus is that the newly divorced should wait at least 1 year and probably should wait 2 years before dating. There's an awful lot of healing and growth that needs to take place and it can't happen in a relationship. In fact, getting into a romantic relationship only covers up the wound and temporarily stops the pain. That pain is a great motivator for the unpleasant recovery work that must be done to get "healthy" again. Divorced people need to feel their pain to get over it permanently.

I applaud your decision!


 o
RE: 'separated'

My legal status is "separated" but my emotional status is "long-time over it."

We have remained legally married mostly out of general laziness, but also because there doesn't seem any pressing need to divorce. We'd have to sell the house I am living in, raising our kids in and making the payment on. He gets health insurance benefits as my spouse (he has none of his own.)

For me, not being fully divorced doesn't imply continued emotional attachment. I expect that I will continue to have varying degrees of contact with him as we are the parents of two young children. However, if he finds the love of his life, I'd happily wish him well and send a gift to his bride.

If I meet my soul mate and feel compelled to remarry I would finalize the divorce in a moment. In the meantime, why fix what isn't broken.


 o
RE: 'separated'

No offense intended browntoes, but that sounds to me like a separation of convenience to your ex's advantage....he gets his insurance, pays the same house payment he always did and gets to play because the cats away....sorry if I misread it, but that's the way it came across to me...please ellaborate if I missed something there


 o
RE RE: 'separated'

besides elaborating that I mis-spelled elaborate....heh....it's a quirk, I had to correct it so that people didn't think I was ignurnt :)


 o
RE: 'separated'

I live in the house, I pay the house payment. He pays the health insurance bill but I enable him to have insurance through my work. I think the arrangement is mutually advantageous. I have no desire to move.

Since he has our son at his house much of the time, I don't think he's playing much. I wouldn't care if he did. We have worked out a co-operative parenting friendship. Sometimes I pay, sometimes he pays. We "borrow" money back and forth. We sometimes borrow each other's cars. But it's friendly, NOT romantic. Since I'm stuck with him holding up the other handle of the parenting basket, I try to make the best of it. Why be ugly. I still get irritated with him but I can just leave and go home. It is what it is. No, sometimes it isn't fair but it's workable and our kids seem unscathed and happy. Good grades, good friends, lotsa smiles.


 o
RE: 'separated'

We all do what we have to do, but I think you said it all, browntoestoo - "I enable him". If you are happy, and the kids are happy, that's all that matters I suppose, but as for me this arrangement would not be possible. If I met someone living in your circumstances, I would have a difficult time believing that person was really 'available' and would move on. If you are content to be without a SO in your life, I am happy for you. I am wondering if perhaps, by living under these circumstances, you are hiding from the possibility of someone invading your heart and hurting you again. I don't mean to be judgemental nor critical - just wondering why you seem so comfortable with these arrangements.


 o
RE: 'separated'

I don't understand why my "arrangements" as you call my life seem so peculiar. It works, we get along. There is no acrimony. We cooperate. I suppose I could drag us all to court and get some court ordered custody and support arrangements that may or may not work for us, they seem to be one size fits all. Then when he couldn't pay or could be there on cue we could have a big old tight-jawed fight in front of the kids. We work things out on a daily basis some days. He is a good dad. Enable him? What the hell does that mean? I thought we were all just getting along! Without health insurance he would DIE. He is in poor health (bad genes). He can't get health insurance on his own (self-employed) because of his dreadful health history. In spite of the fact that he was a rotten husband, my kids (11 and 13) still need him. Yes, I could let him rot. But I don't savor the idea of my son calling me one morning to tell he his father is dead.

Somedays I tell myself I'll wear red to his funeral and dance on his grave but the kids still have great affection for him. Yes, I'd love for him to get a job with benefits and get him off of my tab but it seems law firms aren't hiring 50-something attorneys who look like they one foot in the grave and one on a banana peel. They want young attorneys with 2-5 years experience. (Trust me on this one, I just perused several hundred attorney wanted ads last night.)

I do what seems best for now.


 o
RE: 'separated'

It sounds as if you aren't really all that happy to me, but what do I know about 'workable' relationships - I've 'worked' at a marriage and 4 other relationships - all down the tubes, so I don't pretend to critique yours. My only question was: are you being fair to yourself - the most important person in your life? The children will grow up and leave the nest - where does that leave you? As I said before: we all do what we have to do to get where we need to go - are you really where you want to be? My experience has shown that people, by nature, are survivors. Your DH isn't going to curl up and die if you make changes. Kids will adjust and learn and be stronger. I came from a broken home, went into a wonderful foster home, rebelled most of my teenage years and subsequently sabotage all my relationships because I didn't feel 'worthy' of better relationships. As I reflect today on my sucky attitude towards life in those 'loser' years, I have to say how thankful I am that a chosen few decided I was worth having in their lives and gently changing my self-defeatist attitude into one of trust and self-acceptance. Had these people NOT taken the time to see my potential as a worthwhile person, I certainly would not have been open to the many wonderful blessings I have had bestowed on me. I would not have been open to meeting the most wonderful man God ever placed before me. I am just provoking you into re-thinking your position in life, not provoking confrontations. I do apologize if you are offended - I just want every person to be the best they can be.


 o
RE: 'separated'

Thanks for clarifying, browntoes....if you can happily live that way, then it works for you...personally I like my ex living 500 miles away :) ....my 17 year old has, by no means been traumatized by the divorce and is one of the more popular kids in school and makes the honor roll on a regular basis...it's all about making them understand that life does indeed go on....I stayed in my marriage for 3 or 4 years longer than I should have because I wasn't wanting to mess up her "fragile" mind...turns out, she has handled it just fine. Good luck to you!


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Single Life Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here