I wrote this to amuse some friends but thought you might enjoy it as well. And, yes, this is all true and happened to ME.

Mating Season

What I learned about love from online dating would fit on a Necco candy heart with room to spare. If there are deeper lessons to be gleaned, I am still synthesizing the results of my two year trek into the world of internet matchmaking.

With my failed marriage 5 years in the rear view mirror, I propped up my ego with some spiffy new clothes and gave my heart a fluff. I booted up the computer and put myself in the line of fire. In the first year I said yes to almost anyone who suggested a coffee date unless they were either obviously mentally unstable or mind-numbingly dull-witted. While this wasn't really an instructive period, it did result in the following observations and recommendations:

* No armpit contact on a first date. Wearing a tank top on a warm day and insisting on giving your new acquaintance a damp bear hug is not a good beginning.

* Body language: crossed arms, crossed legs, in a chair that could easily be mistaken for being at the next table are not an invitation to slide your hand up your date's pants leg. Really.

* Never agree to meet someone who won't give you a photo, no matter what excuses they give you. There is a reason.

* Don't lie about your age. I know, everyone tells you how young you look. They like you, they lied.

* Don't lie about your height. Honest, your date can tell the difference between 5'-8" and 6'.

* Hair color: hmmm, the brown you lay claim to in your profile seems to be a long distant memory.

* Interrupting your date to spend 5 minutes typing into your Blackberry is just rude.

* Telling your date during dinner that you were living under the bushes prior to your arrest for drugs is just scary.

* Making it abundantly clear that you don't find your date all that attractive and then trying to get laid anyway is another bad idea.

* On taking a phone call from your girlfriend while on a first date: I can't even find the words to comment on this one. I think I expressed it best with the gravel spray from my tires as I left the parking lot.

* Beginning to date again: maybe, just maybe you should wait a little longer than 3 weeks after the death of your long-time girlfriend to do this.

* No, I won't send you nude photos of myself.

* By the way, "separated" means you aren't still sharing the same bed with your wife.

* In the inexplicably strange department: good meal, great conversation, hand holding, walk along the river, yummy kisses goodbye, a thoughtful gift...wow! Float all the way home to find an email from date, written in the third person saying he is married.

* Lastly, if you think there is some chance your raised-by-wolves-a$$ might get lucky on a subsequent date: check your boxers, skid marks are NOT a turn-on.

Two years later, I'm not much wiser and far too familiar with the flattening effect of repeated disappointment. The veil lifted, I will never be naive about dating again. Ignorance was bliss, dammit.