Return to the Single Life Forum | Post a Follow-Up

 o
Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

Posted by meganadali (My Page) on
Tue, Aug 26, 08 at 16:46

Hello. I was wondering if you guys could bring some light to this situation. I'm a divorced young woman and I'm in love with this man I met at work. Unfortunately I didnt know he was living with someone and that they have a baby together when this happened. I tried not to let it show, but we both had this attraction it just made it harder and harder with each meeting.
I know that this is all wrong, but we have got to know each other so well, and we love each other so much it seems like from all the wrongness there's some good. He still lives with his girlfriend and their baby. He says that he doesn't want to marry her ever, and that the only reason he stays is because that is his house and he doesn't want to leave her stranded (which I understand) she doesn't work and apparently doesn't have a place to go.

I would never ask him to leave her, or abandon his child, nowadays there area a lot of families that deal with that and the children are well taken care off, but then again what will happen to her?. Yes, I do think of that, I'm not a bad person, and that's not my intention.

I have no idea what to do, we love each other so much and this is becoming a real hurting in my life. I'm devoted to him, even tough I'm a career woman, professional, young and have everything sorted out in my life except this. I love this man like I've never loved anyone in muy life, and I truly believe he's the one for me, my soulmate. Our chemistry is fantastic and we know every little thing about each other. I love him and I know he loves me, but he's torned by this whole situation.

We tried to separate each other and I even tried to "date" or "meet" other guys and I couldn't stop thinking about him, it just didn't work out. The only thing I could think off was how good I felt when I was with him in those little "sneaky" moments we get.

What shuold I do, forget him, or keep hoping gfor the situation to change? I don't know what to expectt. We have spoken about it,and he's just "not sure" what to do. I'm so sad and dissapointed and I have no idea what's best anymore. i love him and I dont want to give up on him, it's like saying no to my happiness or future heartbreak.

Thank you for your understanding without the judging. I know that what we are doing is bad and wrong, but can't you really control when or who do you fall in love with?


Follow-Up Postings:

 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

I'll decline your thanks because I don't" understand". And I do "judge" people based on what they say and do. (I call it having an opinion.)

Interesting that a professional career woman would apparently retain the judgment and emotions of a love-sick teenager. You say you know it's bad and wrong but you can't control who you fall in love with....so I guess that means you're an innocent victim of circumstance or some such rubbish. Guess you can't help youself. Ah, pure spontaneous romance is such bliss -- until reality intrudes. The reality is you've been a fool and you're looking for permission to be a bigger one.

Cut to the chase: What should you do? Wake up. Grow up. Grow a brain. This guy's got a mess for a life. For all the love and soulmate and chemistry you talk about he's still "not sure". What would being sure look like? Dumping his GF and child and moving you in? Moving you in with them? What construct or turn of events would make this a viable situation that includes you?

You don't say what your goal in this would be. However, I can tell you there are many worthwhile and available men all around you without this baggage. If sneaking around plus an occasional roll in the hay is good enough for you, maybe this is your man. I would think you'd want mo/betta....or at least available. This guy isn't. Maybe love will conquer all for you. From what you've written, I doubt it. I think you've allowed your emotions to kidnap your intellect and reason. You've been married once. You should be better at this. You're probably not a "bad person", but you certainly are an immature one.


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

Geesh, Asolo, do get your kicks from pulling the wings off of flies in your spare time? Or just a lump of packed spite where your heart used to be? Lighten up.

Eileen


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

I'm sure the OP would appreciate your own -- perhaps lighter -- opinion if you would choose to share it. I'm satisfied with mine.


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

Alrighty then...

You know I kinda of agree with asolo but then my other personality kicks in and I know what's it's like to be desperately in love. When the love bug hits, it can hit bad and it can take from you all you logic and rational thought. I understand, you really can't help or control how you feel.

I really think your best option may be finding another job. I'm not 100% sure this guy isn't pulling one over on you. He may have a very decent relationship with the mother of his child and just want you as a little something on the side.

Even in the best case scenario, he is desparetly in love with you just trapped by responsibility, well, there's not much you can do about it.

Love isn't always about being together. Love is about making someone elses life easier and happier in a way. It's not about you as a couple... but about you caring enough to not want to cause him problems. As long as this other woman isn't abusing or harshly manipulating him, I would step aside until he actually leaves her. If it's true and if it's real love it will stand the test of time. There is no need to rush it and cause possible regrets.

Leave him alone for now; he's not free to be with you. And, if he loves you, he too should know he's tearing your heart apart by playing this game with you. Love's not about chemistry, or knowing or understanding each other, it's about respect for each other. And, really neither of you is showing much, so I'm really not all that sure it is true love. Step aside for now...


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

Consider this, along with your other ideas about his girlfriend and baby... having babies is hard work, especially once the baby's there and demanding so much from a tired out mother who probably doesn't have a lot of time to fix herself up and who probably doesn't feel very glamorous at this time. Now, a man takes off every day to go to 'work', is surrounded by people like you, and lets his fantasies run wild, not only not helping the "wife" and baby, but messing with your head and his own as well... a nice path of destruction all around. If you're such a "professional" then I suggest you wake up and smell the coffee - he's not going anywhere anytime soon, and you're inevitably going to be the one left holding the bag, so why don't you keep your dignity intact and start looking for another job before things get way too messy in some way, plus stop looking for luv at work - find other, more appropriate places to do it. I DO know what you're feeling - been there, done that, it's awful, but sometimes you just have to deal with things, and just think of the character you'll be building :-).


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

I quote: "He says that he doesn't want to marry her ever, and that the only reason he stays is because that is his house..." - EXCUSE ME?! What about the child - the house comes before the child? Hmmmmmmm! He sounds like a dream guy to me - NOT!

Of course, he doesn't 'sleep' with her anymore, either - RIGHT?! Ya, whatever!

Wake up and smell the coffee - YOU are being USED - you need to call him to honor his committment when he made the child with this woman.

He's bored in his current relationship and you are his 'new toy' - tell him to buy a new car to get him out of his depression.

Tell him YOU are moving on - if you stay in this 'relationship', you are setting yourself up for a mighty big fall! The other poster is right - find a job where you don't see him. Stop taking his communication efforts.

You also need to remember that everyone loves a new partner AT FIRST - it goes downhill from there when one is involved in a triangle of 'love/lust'. You aren't in 'love', you are in 'lust'!


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

I appreciate all your comments and suggestions.

Thank you so much.

Megan A.


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

Hello Megan,

I'm a bit late responding here -- actually, I thought I already had, but a quick glance thru' the thread tells me I never sent it.

I have to tell you that I agree with asolo and Kayjones. I think this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too, and you just happen to be there. Sure, there's probably some chemistry between you, but then wasn't it there also when the child was created? He is taking no responsibility for his own behavior, and I'm sorry dear, but neither are you. Things like this "just happen" only when neither person is being responsible. Consider his position: Is there any reason for him to leave where he is: It doesn't sound like it to me.

I hope you will move on, and make it quick. I'm willing to bet he will stay with the girlfriend and baby, but if he doesn't is that the kinda guy you really want for yourself? I don't think so.


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

Megan,
It's very plain and simple.....
He is NOT AVAILABLE!
Lift your head from the pillow and wake up girlfriend!


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

Don't date married men.....and while he says he will never marry the mother of his child....she's living with him and you're not and he won't boot her out for you.
You say you don't know what to do? Get out of the relationship....to continue is folly and in a year you will be posting that you are pregnant and he won't marry you but you love him so much yadda yadda.
Move....find another job, cruise the singles circuit and find someone else....but dump the loser.
Linda C


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

You wrote...The only thing I could think off was how good I felt when I was with him in those little "sneaky" moments we get.

Are you sure that's not just a rush of "excitement" rather than "love"?

No judgement, I've been there. I was married with a small child, very unhappily married, no sex with my husband in a long time, and he had a co-worker stay with us for two weeks. In my house. And girl, was he the most handsome man ever!!! And, to top it off, I was expected to tour him around and entertain him (he was intern from out of state). There sure was chemistry. It was really hard. But I didn't break my vows, and I'm so glad I didn't. He ended up dating another girl with a husband, getting beat up and leaving the area. Then it ended up the IRS and police were looking for him for check forgery.

All this from a nice, good looking, seemingly responsible man.

Moral of the story? You can't help who you fall in love with. But you can help what you do about it. I'm now divorced for several years, and have met a man much much much more a "man" than that temptation ever will be. Is this my reward? Think of what yours would be if you stayed in this briar patch. Now get out into the sun and live your life.

Best wishes, we all know it's hard. But no one ever said it would be easy.


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

Thank you guys, the very last posts were very mature and I really appreciate your thoughts.

Thank you all


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

Megan, I would bet that you are "NOT" the only lady he has done this with. Put yourself in the lady and baby's place that is living with him.. Would you like being there? I would hope not.. You are worth so much more then this. Walk away as fast as you can.. What do you think his choice would be if you were to get pregnant?? Interesting thought, don't ya think??? I wish you the best..

Susie


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

Run Away!!! Run Away!!!


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

Here's an old saying that may apply, Megan: "Actions speak louder than words." In this case, HIS actions, his words.


 o
RE: Divorced and in i love with guy with girlfriend and baby

Just wanted to say hi Megan,
Everything I was going to say has been said. I have also been there before. Think about this- when you two see each other its not fixing the flat on the car, fiquring out which bills get paid first, job problems. Its all good times. Dinner, drinks some sex. Wow if thats all me and my guy had to do we would be sooooo in love also. I ruined a great relationship a long time ago with a great guy sneaking around with another guy. When I was with him things were awesome. Once my guy found out and dumb me I found out that the guy I was cheating with wanted to put transmission fluid in the oil spout in my car! What a mistake that was. Keep us updated.


 o Post a Follow-Up

Please Note: Only registered members are able to post messages to this forum.

    If you are a member, please log in.

    If you aren't yet a member, join now!


Return to the Single Life Forum

Information about Posting

  • You must be logged in to post a message. Once you are logged in, a posting window will appear at the bottom of the messages. If you are not a member, please register for an account.
  • Please review our Rules of Play before posting.
  • Posting is a two-step process. Once you have composed your message, you will be taken to the preview page. You will then have a chance to review your post, make changes and upload photos.
  • After posting your message, you may need to refresh the forum page in order to see it.
  • Before posting copyrighted material, please read about Copyright and Fair Use.
  • We have a strict no-advertising policy!
  • If you would like to practice posting or uploading photos, please visit our Test forum.
  • If you need assistance, please Contact Us and we will be happy to help.


Learn more about in-text links on this page here