My cubicle partner, who sits on the other side of the partition, is an irritating neighbor. She speaks in stentorian tones (extremely loud) and tells all her business to anyone who'll listen. She recently got engaged (around Thanksgiving). I mostly eat lunch at my desk so now I'm privy to all the wedding plans she loudly makes on the phone at lunch time. Lunch time used to be quiet time because she went out, but now she eats at her desk mostly too. I imagine she's saving money for her nuptials. I know it's a justice of the peace type wedding, which she tried to do for March 17, but it's now postponed to September, though she bought a mail-order dress that she has to lose a few pounds for but it does have a 2" seam allowance and they may go to Universal Studios...yada,yada..

Even before the engagement she was annoying with her conversation about Bernie, the boyfriend, to anyone who'll listen. She doesn't have outside friends she talks to on the phone. She's telling these stories to co-workers who visit or phone her for work related tasks. She talks about "Bernie" like my 14-year-old nephew talked about his first girlfriend. Bernie, Bernie, Bernie. I call her "Bernice" when I tell my friends about her.

She talks loud. She types loud. And now she brings in "loud" lunches...they smell like very pickled meats.

Last year I had an inkling that Bernie abuses her. It was after an incident at her home that left a bruise on her arm that he "popped the question". I've heard her say "Bernie was kidding the other day and said 'How about if after walking down the aisle I scream 'I can't go through with this!'". I think he moved into her home, but I don't know that for certain; I know he's home during the day while she's here at work, annoying me.

She's obviously very proud to have a "life" and wants every one to know she has a life. She seems to me like the women I see on "Forensic Files" who are surprised to learn they've been married to a serial killer for years. They are so swept into the fantasy of Cinderella and Prince Charming and marriage that they don't look deeply at the groom who provides them with the fantasy of family and happily ever after. She's overheard my conversations too and knows that I am single and content to be uninvolved. Sometimes I feel some of her conversation is directed at me. She's shown her engagement ring to others, but not to me. As if she needs to cast me in the role of poor-single-wracked-with-envy girl. (You know, Smug Marrieds and Smug Engageds can't be smug without a single person around to feel sorry for) Recently she loudly declared "I LIKE going home to someone!" She loudly whispered to a coworker "I got an e-mail from Bernie saying 'Do you need anything? Coffee? Tea? Sex?" Then she breaks out in conspiratory laughter.

I was surprised that Bernice is not gay. With her mullet, non-feminine dress, Harley-Davidson lust, and loud ways she gives the stereotypical appearance of...