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Go to the bathroom, get some water and feel free to read (LONG!)

Posted by berain (My Page) on
Wed, Mar 17, 04 at 1:33

Hi all.

Yes, its me. First of all please dont faint. Im sorry I havent been posting here lately. An occasional non-descript post at the KT but thats about it.

My days have been troublesome lately hard to know just where to start. But I do owe everyone an explanation. Gee where to start family stuff first. No one here knows me yet but Im the primary care-taker of my ailing mother. Shes only 68, but suffers from no less than four major ailments. From something called NPH (normal pressure hydrocephalous) to glaucoma and a corneal transplant, to high blood pressure to a mini-stroke. My other family is my brother and his family. Unfortunately, I only feel as though they suck the life out of me. Case in point Im a den leader for their middle son Adam. Wednesday nights are meeting nights and I usually come through their subdivision to get Adam, take him home to dinner, and then the meeting. IF Im lucky, one of them will attend and take him home. Communication has hallways been a problem although I dont know why I have to tell/call/email both my brother and his wife just to make sure the message has a chance of getting through. Few weeks back, I was told I wouldnt have to get him as my SIL would drop him off that lasted 1 week. It adds about 25 minutes to my commute home.. puts me home at about 6:15 p.m. make dinner meeting starts at 7 rush rush rush. Few weeks ago night before a large cub scout event for over 200 people (my brother is the pack master) I offered to have dinner there for my brother the remaining 2 nephews and their foreign exchange student. SIL and eldest nephew were off to a music competition. Through the grape vine of my mother I get a call from SIL wondering why only brother, et. al are invited. Thought she had to drive to Timbuktu (please forgive me!) to music event. No she didnt have to be there till 7:30 p.m. Order more food for take out, stop at grocery because shes doing a semi-Atkins diet and pizza wont do pick up food, dog at groomers and arrive home about 6:30. Make salad for SIL all arrive she eats in a hurry because she has to leave ASAP (?) Thought that was the case before hence the no dinner offer oh well. Off in a mad rush advise her not to go a certain route as the traffic reports were horrible highway shut down. Frantic call about 20 min. later stopped dead on highway that was ill advised to take. Give alternates voice frustration to brother and go about loading my truck with all the paraphernalia for a 200+ pinewood derby the next morning. Get to bed about 2 a.m. Up again at 6.

Next case in point One of many doctor appointments the following week for Mom. Includes 2 eye doctors corneal specialist/surgeon and glaucoma specialist they are ping-ponging over the risk of increased pressure vs. the integrity of the transplant one set of drops upsets the apple cart of the other condition. I take copious notes at every appointment. (mind you this is over 18 months of visits). Glaucoma dr. isnt happy with pressure contemplates more surgery in right eye after reviewing with cornea dr. which we see the next day. Next day at work receive phone call from SIL she has spoken to Mom who expresses her uneasiness about more surgery and only to get the 3rd degree about surgery option nothing that I havent already asked the dr. but since its only a possibility will reassess in a month have no clear answer to questions Hang up in total frustration that if she wants to know so many freakin details about the office visit she could have gotten her _ _ _ to the eye doctor with us. Doesnt occur to her that I am at work!!! No wonder my mother doesnt like her to attend. (BTW shes a stay-at-home mother no job volunteer work only) I have to take time off of work (days too) to attend all these appointments.

Third case-in-point last weekend. Another all day cub scout event District Pinewood Derby offered Moms services as babysitter for youngest 2 nephews yes its a good idea never informed that other plans were made. GRRRR. Spend all day at even go out to dinner hmmm they never have cash Mom and I usually kick in more than our share never seem to get the change were due coincidence? Next day major project for work is due Monday so spend Sunday working literally from 6:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. with a couple of arguments thrown in for good measure to have Mom just leave me alone to work shower at 5 no time for dinner take Mom to orchestra concert back home by 10:00 p.m. only to work till 2:30 a.m. Even lost it with long-distance boyfriend who graciously go online to check on me Im such a schmuck.

Work well that stinks too. 70% decrease in staff over the last two years and co-worker promoted to "manager" only to annoy the remaining 2 people. "Kathy" has no clue nor any desire to understand what I do and how long it takes let alone how it impacts the rest of the group and our goals. Shes a total non-techie with no desire to understand. Meanwhile I get meaningless "quilting" projects dumped on me and things like data analysis, programming, digitizing and all those other "techie" things go undone. Over the wall all I hear is cursing and muttering not exactly conducive to a data analysis environment. I think its been about 2 weeks of constant bad moods fights with her husband arguments over daughters private school teacher and complaining about having no money hmmm found out over the past few months her parents have paid for their house, bought her a new car and have been paying for private school tuition wonder where her salary goes?? Was asked to help stuff envelopes the other night meanwhile data project (major) is due so I said "no". Well shes not speaking to me now but the cursing continues. Dont get me wrong I am certainly not a saint but the language she has been using borders on harassment in the workplace. Coincidentally her annual review form lies on my desk just waiting for completion!

So, besides, the Mom, the SIL (and family) and co-worker I stare at a computer screen play some games online trying to find some motivation to pay the bills, organize the closet, do some laundry and figure out what Im going to do with the cub scouts tomorrow night. Its about 1:15 a.m. and I find I could care less not really a good attitude is it? Just took two Advil had dental work this morning and think about calling in "sick" tomorrow its certainly a possibility! Then again its another day off Last year between Moms two surgeries and a mini-stroke and all the interspersed doctor appointments in between well it ate up any vacation time I had at all. Wondering what a vacation feels like its been about 2 years since I took a 5 day trip to visit a friend "back home"

Im finding myself snapping at my mother who cannot help her conditions which still frustrates me to no end. She does things she knows she shouldnt like climb on a ladder to get the canning jars I need to make strawberry jam. This from a woman who should (but doesnt always use a walker or is in a wheel chair for longer trips). And she wonders why I get upset. I didnt plan on taking care of her nor did I plan on my father dying 7 years ago. Thought moving in together to save money was a good idea. Resentful? Yes I am. But Im feeling more guilty for feeling resentful. 40 years old and now giving up on the idea of marriage or children at all. BF in Denver is still officially "married" and the divorce is taking a loooooooong time. Hmmm I waver between sympathy for him and wondering how much is truth or lies. Hes sympathic to me and has said I can leave the situation at any time Not what either of us wants but how much longer do I wait? Then again what would I leave for? Some local guy (married/separated/has girlfriend) who cheats on me? (No I didnt know it at the time.) Or another who hits me up for an "investment" in his company? Oh the quality of men in Tampa.

Not sure if I should post all this Spike might send me to Disney btw we were there for a few days in December. Highlight of my holidays SIL and Brother et. al headed to Maryland Mom and I celebrated alone. Mickey sure knows how to make one smile it was a blast!

Sorry to vent guess Ill take my chances by posting thisthanks everyone for listening.

Barbara_Tampa


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Go to the bathroom, get some water and feel free to read (LON

It sure helps to vent, and what better place than here? You are trying so hard to be everything for everybody else that you've forgotten to look after yourself. Learn to say No now and then, and mean it. You might be a super woman, but Superwoman you aren't. So stop trying. Can you get occasional respite care for your mother? Try having a chat with the doctor, and the social worker at the hospital, or a local church or charity organisation. One day a week to yourself will be very rejuvenating for you. Pass the buck onto SIL if necessary. I have a friend who takes things on like you seem to, and people walk all over her with hobnailed boots. Now and then she remembers some good advice I gave her some time back - use the 'what if I were dead? ' tactic. In other words, if you got run over by a bus tomorrow, the world would still revolve, someone would step in to take over from you. They'd cope. So - sometimes, let 'em cope! Meantime, you need some free time, some space, and some freedom to live and breathe for yourself. You've earned that right.


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RE: Go to the bathroom, get some water and feel free to read (LON

Wow Barbara -- my heart goes out to you. Ditto what Daisy said. Maybe you could start by giving up the scouting activities. I'm sure you enjoy it, adore your nephews and are a wonderful influence on them, but it seems as if that might be the easiest thing to give up right now. Unless you're independently wealthy, you probably need the job and your mother does need you right now. If you're comfortable with sending SIL with your mother to her doctor's appointments, just tell her that you have a commitment at work and can't get time off. But, if you're like me, you'll want to be there to talk to the doctors and ask questions rather than relying on information from someone else. Maybe brother and SIL will step up to the plate if they have a little pressure put on them. In any case, you can't continue like this -- something has to give or you'll end up sick yourself. Take care and keep us posted.


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RE: Go to the bathroom, get some water and feel free to read (LON

Hi Barbara....as Janet said, WOW!....That is a lot for one person to take on. I agree with the advice above and to consider getting out of the scouting activities and also with trying to find a lifeline to help you get away at least one day a week...yes, you are liable to disappoint someone, but if you don't you are only disappointing yourself for not taking command of what you can control...spread the onus around....good luck to you and keep us filled in. You can vent here anytime!


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RE: Go to the bathroom, get some water and feel free to read (LON

You have alot! Is not some of your choosing? And now it does not work? I see that you are trying to please and make everyone elses life easier. You should be first.

As long as there is a doormat, it will be used. Stop pleasing and making up for others deficiencies.

People and relatives are DENSE, to what is going on. Ask for help.

If an activity no longer brings you enjoyment, or fits in your life at this time, reconsider. You can always be on the sidelines, or pick it up later.

Hoping you will find the right balance, peace and calm in your life.


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RE: Go to the bathroom, get some water and feel free to read (LON

Hello Barbara

Good advice from everyone here. Come vent anytime. Hope life eases up a little soon.

jc


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