skip to main content

The Single Life

Adults Estranged from Parents

flowergardenmuse

13 years ago

This post is a continuation of the previous Adults Estranged from Parents as it has reached it limit for number of postings.

Comments (8)

flowergardenmuse
Original Author
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
For anyone who finds themselves here seeking help with estrangement issues--I am posting a link to a site below, which I've found very helpful.

It is up-to-date, is run by a professional counselor/psychologist and offers many articles as well as current research on the subject.

Here is a link that might be useful: E-Stranged
silversword
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi Flower,
I hope you're doing well. I continue to be semi-estranged from my mother (we talk, but it's superficial and she still blames me). It's sad. But she is toxic and I have a really hard time wanting to reconnect with her when I realize how much she's lied, and how much that has impacted my life.

There's not much anyone can do to help me.

I find myself pulling away from my dad too now. I wonder how much I'm still expecting them to be the adults and our roles... in normal families (haha) is it like this?

Basically I realized that my dad has put me in the middle of his issues with my SM for the past 15 years. I realize now that he has been playing both sides. And he realizes it too, to some extent. But the whole thing just makes me weary. My SM exhausts me, and my dad is at that point too. I just really do not enjoy his company anymore. Which is really sad for me to say.

I LOVE him and (I love my mom too). I'm just exhausted with dealing with them.
Related Discussions
For mothers who are estranged from their adult child
Q
Comments (151)
Straycat.. This is exactly what I want to communicate in this documentary.. as I mentioned on another thread.. many of us have the same voice same stories same thoughts.. I think we have to band together and express ourselves.. what will our society be like in the future if this is an acceptable practice. You know that by treating us the way they do, they are showing their children that this is an appropriate behavior. I have been talking to Mark Sichel about this and he has agreed to be part of my video as well as an advisor.. he said "I have a great deal of information on this now for my second book which I may finish writing some day, but it's all about the success of relationships having to do with virtue & character. People need a higher purpose (like the correctness of family relationships) and a commitment to courage, humility, correctness....or the result is disastrous. Unfortunately the psychopathic narcissistic behavior is encouraged in our world by commercialism, corporate greed, etc" I think he is right on and at the same time.. I feel sadly as you do.. I could not let them in my life.. I could not trust them ever again... they are total strangers.. big big hugs..
...See More
mothers estranged from adult children
Q
Comments (14)
I joined just to post this since I think it will help to just put it out there. I have 3 children, a son and 2 daughters. My 21 yr. old son, the oldest, has yet again decided to cut me off. My son started to have behavioral issues somewhere around 14. At first it was manageable, but over the years things got worse. At one point he was hospitalized (involuntarily) and he also stole my car in an attempt to drive out of state to see a girl. (he did not have a driver’s license) Throughout this, his level of disrespect, anger, lying, lack of maturity and overall moody behavior grew to a point where everyone in the house walked on eggshells around him. The thing is, because of my own upbringing (see below), I refused to give up on him. I know he is smart, loving and good kid underneath the problems. We, I and my husband, were willing to stick it out while he sorted his life out, got on a path of self-reliance and moved out like all kids do. Earlier this year things came to a head. He decided that once again the rules didn’t apply to him and he stayed out all night drinking and doing drugs, neither of which are allowed in our household. We basically told him that this wasn’t acceptable and after a heated argument, he stormed out. He later called my sister and she picked him up and took him to her house, which on the surface would seem fine, but not in this case. A bit of relevant backstory- I come from a big, complicated family. 6 older siblings, a mother who ditched us when I was an infant, multiple alcoholics, multiple marriage/divorces and generally a drama filled bunch. The only sane one was my dad and he passed away when I was 17. Up until last year I had confidence, abandonment and trust issues, but only around my siblings. It was like I was a different person around them and I realized it was because I just didn’t want any drama, regardless of how it negatively affected me. Finally, at 40 yrs. old I decided enough was enough. I started standing up for myself and stopped being the push over that my dysfunctional family/siblings had grown accustomed to. This, of course, did not sit well with them. Now the specific sister who picked up my son that day has a habit of making decisions for me, being judgmental and sometimes, just downright degrading to me. We had been butting heads over me not taking crap from people any longer and she pounced on this opportunity to lash out at me. She decided it was a great time to interject her opinion into the situation. She proceeded to tell my son he could stay there for as long as he wanted, rent and rule free, basically undermining us. She then decided to come over to my home and insult me by calling me a host of vial names because I told her that she crossed a boundary and that it was not acceptable. After the barrage of insults, I told her that she was being disrespectful and she needed to leave. We have not spoken since. My son on the other hand came home after about 6 weeks because he missed us. (his words) He got a job, bought a car and things appeared to be going well. We actually thought he was on the right path and we would be helping him move into his own place in a couple of months. Then things went south again. 2 months ago he started hanging out with his old friends, he started stealing again, smoking weed, drinking and finally he got fired for calling in too much. All through this, he is growing more disrespectful to us and after he stayed out all night parting again, we told him we had enough, he would need to make arrangements to move out at the end of the month. We would no longer be providing a free ride for his party habits. What we didn’t know is that my sister had been speaking to him this whole time, telling him he could come back there, no rent, no rules. So I feel like on some level he purposely caused problems so that he could justify/blame us for having to go back to my sisters. So here we are now. His little sisters haven’t heard from him since he left, my sister and son are manipulating each other, feeding off of each other’s anger towards me and creating a mess that I frankly have no idea how to clean up. I’m left to sit here wondering how long it will take for my son to see the truth of the situation, if he ever does. I’m having an especially hard time today because tomorrow is his birthday. If I text him a simple happy birthday, I’ll get a nasty reply. (I’ve tried in the past) If I say nothing tomorrow, it will be another piece of ammo that can be thrown at me in the future. I basically can’t lose either way. I just don’t know how to move on. Some days are okay, others I’m a mess. All my old insecurities are creeping back up and I don’t know how to stop them from consuming me.
...See More
All these estranged parents...
Q
Comments (126)
I disinherited my son after he returned Christmas cards and money and refused contact over the years. I sent him a copy of the will on Fathers day, letting him know that in my view our relationship or lack thereof, has come to this point. I'm done, I'm though with being rejected. I believe in forgiveness, and the door could be opened again, but I won't do one way streets anymore. Yes, I also wanted to let him know how it feels to be disowned, while I'm still alive and no hope for change after the fact. There are practical considerations too. For years I've been enmeshed in the fantasy of how things could, should or ought to be. I've always been the one that is supposed to do 99% of the work, and prove myself. He is 37, that view was fine as a young adult, but I decided that something has to motivate him to finally grow up. I had an alcoholic parent, in my mid twenties I learned how to let go of my resentment and realize he did the best he could with what he had to work with. I'm not without fault, I keep trying to give him fatherly advice about paying off his credit card debt, getting a job with benefits and having health insurance. In hindsight, I should have kept quiet, instead of trying to pass on the wisdom my parents gave to me, or so I thought. Now, I would like to leave my estate to folks that actually make an effort to be part of my life and will be there for me when the time comes. I'll forgive my son, but others will get my estate.
...See More
Adults estranged from parents
Q
Comments (150)
Hello Dave, Sage and everyone, Sage, my mother and father behaved the same--my mother would tell me (I think she did the same to my sisters) how terrible we were as children. She would tell me that I was horrible and a brat. She would complain about how awful I behaved. They gave me nicknames such as bratty_____. I think she just felt deficient and turned it all around and put it all back on me. My sisters claimed that I was favored and both poured forth their resentment towards me in abundance. Both told me that they felt I was a "f***ing spoiled brat. One told me that I deserved to get slapped and hit. She said this after I tried (many times) to tell her part of the reasons why I am not close to my oldest sister, why I feel distant and wary of her. She hit and slapped me across the face and had a very explosive rageful temper. It was like dealing with a type of jekyll & hyde type of person. I never felt comfortable or safe around her. I've tried several times to talk to them about how it feels to be on the receiving end of their behaviors and what it did to the relationship. They cannot hear my emotional pain, dismiss my feelings as "too sensitive" or dismiss me as mentally ill, etc. All it does is that they twist what I say, make excuses or turn it into all about themselves. It is always about them. They don't ever take any personal responsibility for anything. They cannot connect to my feelings or emotions as it is all about them. Connecting to my emotions for them means that they talk about themselves, or try to deny my reality and tell me how I should respond and feel. They always try to fix me. Apparently they feel that I'm broken and a big disappointment. They cannot feel good about themselves unless they poison the relationship with belittling or criticizing me. That have to feel one-up all the time. They were physically abusive and emotionally abusive. They all slapped me in the face, hit, whipped, shook me, or pinned me to the wall, except the middle sister (who is also older than me). According to them I deserved it, because I was horrible or a brat, etc. I have a scar on my chin and I was told by my eldest sister that my father hit me when I was a toddler and it split my chin open. They had to rush me to a hospital. She also told me that I wasn't wanted as a baby and child. She said that my father didn't want another child and so he apparently was abusive to our mother while she was pregnant, because he resented her being pregnant with me. Later, when I asked my mother about the situation her response was to say that my eldest sister was the one who didn't want me around. She said that she didn't want me. Can you imagine how hurtful it was to hear all of this. Another time when I was just a kid (maybe 5 or 6), I put a pill up my nose (kids do silly things). My father told me to hold my nostril and blow to get it out and then he really thumped me in the head (which really hurt) and when I started to cry, all he did was laugh about it. Another time he was cruelly teasing me at the dinner table and my sisters and mother were present, I kept telling him to stop and he wouldn't. I started crying and left the table and all he said was that it was good sensitivity training. My mother didn't do anything. She never intervened while he bullied and abused me. My sisters just watched and learned from his expert instruction. They are emotional bullies. The only person who didn't hit me was my middle sister (or I can't recall), but she let me take the heat for her and didn't speak up when I got punished for something that she did. The way she assaults is through her words and actions, but she doesn't assault me physically. She makes huge issues about gifts. Actually both of my sisters do. Apparently the eldest felt ripped off because she felt she was more generous financially giving me gifts, than I was with her. The other flew into a hissy fit because I didn't send a thank you note right away--I sent it within a month's time frame. Apparently she didn't either get it or she had a very rigid time frame (less than a month) or it was unacceptable. She sent letters loaded with sarcasm (her special brand of cruelty). Dave, I can relate to what you said also about the sadness you felt as a child. You mother demonstrated a complete lack of empathy for you and once again turned it into all about her. Her focus was all about herself and still is. I experience my mother as similar, although as I got older I filled the role of being empathetic towards her, so she felt closer to me than my sisters, because I finally had a use for her--I was no longer the horrible toddler/child that she had to put up with. Now I could listen to all of her problems and be her therapist. I've found myself in this role with many women. I think my mother-in-law may have had NPD or she was just a narcissist. My own mother I experienced as emotionally unavailable, and I think she did have a personality disorder, but I don't think her problem was NPD. She's been diagnosed with something else, which I may talk about at a later date. Well, I've written enough for today... Flower
...See More
flowergardenmuse
Original Author
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi Silver,

It is good to hear a word from you. I posted then forgot and have been sick too. I'm sorry that your situation has remained the same, but it sounds, despite the situation, that you are doing what you need and taking care of yourself. I can relate to that and really that is all one can do.

I know what you mean. I'm basically semi-estranged too and I doubt it will change. My interest in the subject waxes and wanes and still becomes more intense during the holidays...less so at other times. I wrote posts with the link at the parent's site, but I really wonder about what it is that people truly desire and I sincerely doubt it is change that may be asked of them to open their hearts to another's experience. Oh well...I guess that is the nature of many and part of the human experience.

I can relate to what you say about your feeling exhausted with dealing with them. That is a constant with me.

I've found that other site that I posted the link too helpful and more constructive than other sites dealing with the same issues. I go there from time to time as the mood and need hits. Other than that there is very little that I can do.

This economy sucks bigtime and creates additional strain. Well, it is good to hear from you again and I'm glad to hear that you are hopefully doing well.

Take care,

Flower
silversword
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thanks Flower. Sorry to hear you've been ill. It's hit us hard this year too.

Semi-estranged is a good word for it. I'll talk if they call, I have my daughter stay in contact with her grandparents. No one is being punished or made to suffer needlessly. Including me.

I wish it weren't like this but I feel that all the effort is coming from my side and it's wearying. I did get validation from a family member who is having the EXACT same issues with my mother that led to our estrangement. So at least I don't feel crazy or like a spoiled child or like I'm blowing this out of proportion anymore.
Mary_
13 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I found this forum from a Google Search. I am estranged from my Dad, I haven't seen him since I was in my mid-20s. I am middle-aged now.

The earlier post about "Adults Estranged from Parents" was at this URL: http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/singles/msg0816055222388.html

It is at full capacity to post, so I am posting here under a thread with the same name. Even if some of the info is old, I read through most of it relating to others' stories.

My parents are alcoholics. My mom is a very negative person, but shouldered raising me and my brother. I try to have a relationship with her, but her negativity and near-constant criticisms (of everything) make me feel very down most of the time. Abusing alcohol makes her worse in her negativity and view on life. There are times I thought of cutting off all contact, but because I have 2 children, she wants to see them time to time. I've tried to talk to her about minimizing the criticism and treating me like I am still a child. She knows it's wrong, but she stays in that frame of mind.

The good part is I have a good relationship with my husband who also comes from a tormented family. His parents would probably be considered toxic, too.

My parents divorced when I was 10. My dad had cheated on my mom and his presence in my life waned more and more as I got into high school. As an adult I have seen him in person maybe 3 times. As a middle-aged person, I really don't care if I see him again or not, because the pain of abandonment has been so long ago. He is a stranger to me.

I want to be free of the family drama and have a very positive life. I don't abuse drugs, but sometimes I feel I have very low self esteem. I don't want to be like my parents and so far in many ways, I am not. But their shadows are sometimes there in my behaviour.

Reading a book called Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward is helping me work on this issue.

Here is a link that might be useful: Adults Estranged from Parents
elizabeth_b
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Wow! I guess I am not the only one! Whew! I can't tell you what a relief it has been to me to read through these posts (including the "hit the limit" thread). For the past 2 decades I have thought I was alone in the desire to have no relationship with my parents. It feels good to know I am not.

I haven't been here before...so in a nutshell, I am single, 45, no children, female and have a very good professional career.

Today my parents received the letter from me stating that I wished no more contact either via e-mail, phone or in person. For many reasons, it is the right thing to do...just as it was for many of you. I don't regret sending it ~ it will be the best for me.

My only concern is how the rest of the family responds to me as a result. All I have concluded is that I am taking care of myself and if my siblings choose to stay in a dysfunctional family system, that is there choice.

I love being single and dating and I look forward to "meeting" many of you here in the coming days and months!!!!

Elizabeth
silversword
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi Mary and Elizabeth,
This forum is pretty slow... I'm so sorry you both are having issues with your parents.
~Silver
silvia_ago
12 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hi to everyone, I found this forum with google and I can just say I am so happy to have found a place where I feel less alone... I relare to everyone, especially to sage121 as I'm too in the process of estrangement from my parents and only brother after 32 years of denial that anything was wrong of out of place... when I first confronted them I felt like the ground was opening beneath to swallow me, but after that and a long work on myself, I am finally beginning to enjoy life as I deserve...
I wanted to cite this sentence from silver:
"I can forgive someone, meaning that I no longer hold something against them. Forgiving them, doesn't mean I trust them. Trust needs to be earned. A simple "I'm sorry" doesn't rebuild trust after years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Especially, when their bad behavior continues after they have said they are sorry."
that is expecially true. at first you are so angry, also because you're disappointed that yours are not the perfect parents, but just human persons with their defects. then you come to terms with their humanity, and start to go on with your life; but this doesn't mean that you trust them back: no matter they said they're sorry and want to make amends, when all they believe is that they have done their best and you're just being difficult about silly things... and they go on as before.
they keep telling that mine was not an abusive family and for most part it's true, they didnt beat me, or come home drunk, but I remember-and this is the first time I talk about this ever to anyone-that a friend of my brother who's 5 years older than me use to be abusive of me from 6 to 10 years old, touching me and making me touch him... my mother became aware of that and instead of kicking the boy out, spoke to me telling that "I had to stop letting him do those things or she would be forced to tell dad and he would make him leave"...I was 6 or 7, and had no means to make him stop... but he was best buddy with my brother who of course is parents' pet, and at the time I was just so focused on getting the love of my big bro' that for years I endured his abuse in secret for fear of him being kicked out and my brother put the blame on me.
I felt, god, still feel so dirty and ashamed of this that I've never told anyone, but that was just a big situation in which my parents (especially my mom) refused to side up with me, leaving me with the weight of doing myself what should have been their job, protect me. my brother, on the other hand, has always been the sicky mommy's boy, so even through his adulthood, they've felt their responsibility to shelter him from any thing bad... while I was the tough one who could do by herself, and they take for granted every thing that I accomplish. which they say, is because they have great esteem in my abilities, and I say, ok it's flattering, but hey, your're my parents, it would be nice to have a little cheering from you from time to time.
moreover, I choose academic research while he's in industry, so he has a fairly easier life than mine: a permanent, secure job, a house, a wife in the same condition while on the other hand, I have a fellowship which last a year, my partner has a temporary job and obviously we are in a rented house 'cause we can't afford to buy one... but HE is the poor one, the one who needs their help, while we're tough and somehow, we'll manage.... they also started to take big life (and economic) decisions which favoured him (for example, they're having a baby soon-first grandchild) and they're deciding to sell everything at home to buy a house to be near to him, in case he needs any help with the baby... leaving me by myself, for the future too. and I can bet that once they are old they will "offer" (cause obviosly, they say it's them who offer, not the golden boy who asks) to move in bro's small house, leaving them the big hose with the garden...
I tried to talk them out of this madness, but they refuse to think that it's wrong, keep saying they would do the same for me, if I were in his shoes... but I know it's just b*****it. we talked about is some time ago (as they're getting older and live some time from here) telling them 'why dont you come to live closer?' (also to try being the perfect little girl and please them) and they kept stalling the decision to look for houses, and then, weeks after my bro told them they're expecting, they merrily announced they were making plans to sell their house and they were looking at new ones near him....
I feel so bad, angry, frustrated, disillusioned...guilty when they call me and seem so sad, and then angry again with myself for feeling guilty.... my partner too is involved as they treated him with poor respect in some occasions (and he doen't want anything to do with them) and every time they keep saying that they've done nothing wrong... I've been in this trap for years, until I realized that I had started to hurt him in order to avoid confronting my parents as it would leed to their disappointment in me, and because I refused to aknowledge the truth of my dysfunctional family... I also felt so ashamed of this situation (of me barely talking to them)....also because here (I'm italian) it is almost a public disgrace not to feel bound to one's family, something people should never know about.
I am trying to keep my head up but it's hard.
it's good to know that I'm not alone... big hug to everyone!

Sign Up to Comment

Related Stories

CONTEMPORARY HOMES Houzz Tour: A Sophisticated Home for Adults and Babies

By Mary Jo Bowling

Homeowners expecting twins make a nest that works for kids but is not kid dominated

MORE ROOMS 10 Kids' Room Ideas That Work for Adult Offices

BATHROOM DESIGN Room of the Day: Kids and Adults Share a Bright 40-Square-Foot Bathroom

By Annie Thornton

Splashes of lime green add a playful touch to this efficient and economical second bath

ROOM OF THE DAY Room of the Day: A Bright, Colorful Playroom for Kids and Adults

By Mitchell Parker

Fun colors mix with sophisticated furnishings and finishes to create an addition suitable for child’s play and adult relaxation

OUTBUILDINGS Adults Allowed: A Poolside Playhouse Makes Room for All

By Mitchell Parker

Sprightly but not saccharine, this adaptable backyard structure is equally at home with the grandkids and the grown-ups

LIFE Tell Us: Do You Know How to Live With Your Parents?

By Becky Harris

If you've tried multigenerational living under one roof, we'd love to hear the details

HOUZZ TOURS My Houzz: Parents-to-Be Whip Up an Apartment Overhaul, Hold the Color

By Holly Marder

Scandinavian style mixes with a minimalist palette to create a soothing, clutter-free interior for this new family's Netherlands rental

HOLIDAYS 11 Survival Lessons From Thanksgiving

By Becky Harris

With 10 people in 1 house for 3 days, you learn fast. Find out the good, the challenging and the just plain kooky

MOST POPULAR The Not Naturally Organized Parent's Guide to the Holidays

By Alison Hodgson

This year get real about what you can and cannot handle, and remember the joys of spending time with the ones you love

HOLIDAYS Surviving the Christmas Countdown: A Parent's Guide

By Alison Hodgson

Make things easier on yourself, for heaven's sake — and for the sake of truly enjoying the holiday with your family

Sponsored

Foremost Siding & Exterior Design Solutions in Columbus