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Adults estranged from parents

Posted by bstark35 (My Page) on
Thu, Feb 28, 13 at 1:17

Hi, i am new to this forum but am glad that i found it ,i was reading some of the post's by others who are estranged from there parent's as well.Sometimes it does feel like no one understands why i would choose to remove myself out of my parents lives but they should not judge unless they know the reason's why.I just could not take the emotional abuse any longer from either of my parent's or should i say mother & ''step- monster'' of a father .My mother left my real father when i was just a baby.And then met this man who has made my life a living nightmare .My stepfather treated me poorly once i hit my teen's i feel like it was never his place to disipline me & my mother never stepped in and said anything she just allowed it.His idea of disipline was to hit me with the mettle part of a belt of through objects at me .And when i was 13 yrs. i got caught shoplifting something and when i got home both parent's came to the conclusion that i was possessed & started praying that the demond would leave me they are major religious freak's.Then when i was 16 yrs. i ended up pregnant and they made me give up my baby i had no say in the matter.It was supposed to be an open adoption where the adoptive parent's would send pictures and letter's & they did but my mother kept all of them and wouldn't let me have them. After i had my baby she told me to move out and go live with my alcoholic father who i had only met a handful of times.A few years later i married the man who had gotten me pregnant at 16 which was what he & i wanted all along and to keep our baby.Anyway i started talking to my mother because i was getting married and wanted her to be apart of it everything was fine we went dress shopping together.After the wedding i said i wanted my wedding dress and she told me since she payed for it she was keeping it and even told me she let her friend try it on.Fast-forword to today my step father owns his own buissness and hired everyone in our family my uncle & stepfather's own son's but not my husband it's hard not to take that personal.Stepfather said he was happy when my husband lost his job and was laughing about it.My mother is the one who told me and she just go's along with it.She has never stuck up for me and i am just tired of all of there emotional abuse that is why i had to cut them out of my life but just because i choose that it is still painful i still struggle with my choice and at times feel guilty.Sorry for the long life story but i just had to get it off my chest .Any words of wisdom would be great to hear.


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: Adults estranged from parents

You will probably get more action in one of the other forums, step families maybe.

I have a sister that I don't like to be around. She is so busy trying to save our souls, she has lost me and 2 other sisters. Another sister here in town has a daughter living with her and ummm, how do I say it......awful will do. She also brought at least 13 dogs with her, the last time I ate there was a dog hair under my pie. When I would get up to leave my sis would grab her lint roller and roll my slacks to get the dog hair off.


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RE: Adults estranged from parents

There are always "battles" in families. Just because people are related/blood relatives doesn't mean everyone will like each other and get along. This goes on in my family, with my siblings. Crazy family life sucks and can really cause a lifetime of bitter feelings.


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RE: Adults estranged from parents

I agree with that. I have 3 siblings and 2 including me are ladies and we don't have fights, just cold wars. I worked very hard at maintaining a relationship but there comes a time when you have to throw in the towel for your own peace of mind.


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RE: Adults estranged from parents

Hello all! First, let me just say that English is not my native language, so if you see something misspelled (like my username!) or some expression that doesn't make much sense, I apologize in advance.
It took me a few days just to read all of your posts. It makes me feel a bit better knowing that I'm not alone, but still doesn't make the pain go away.
I started at about a month ago my process of estranging my parents. I’m 31 years old and it took really a lot for me to realize the truth and face that I was left with no other choice. I’ll explain you why this happen, but first, I have some serious challenges to face and learn to cope with during my estrangement process. Challenge 1: I work in the same company as my mother! Even though we do not work even in the same building, we still have random encounters, such as accidently cross in the canteen, or in the parking lot. Challenge 2: unlike my brother, that went to work in a foreign country (something like 2400km~1500miles), my house is only at 8km (5miles) from theirs. And no, at the moment, moving it’s not an option for numerous reasons. I’m learning how to deal with this, still at an early stage. And, finally, Challenge 3: I have no insurance coverage for the therapist, so I had to reduce the frequency of the appointments, to ease the life on the household expenses, especially since we are in a financial crisis and taxes just keep skyrocketing!
Regarding the estrangement. What caused it. It all comes from long years ago, since I can remember. My family is pure and simply dysfunctional. My father is a spoiled selfish guy, that believes that mankind exists just to serve his wishes. He believes that he belongs to some sort of superior race (yeap, nazi style!) and mistreats everyone around. Even though we try to remind him that his own mother used to belong to the what-he-calls-the-inferior-race, he uses his selective amnesia skills. He is a looser that doesn’t try hard for anything, even though he was lucky to find a job that pays way above the national average. He is smokes weed and axis for many years now, what increases his paranoia and delusions. When people ask me why don’t smoke weed and stuff when I go to Amsterdam, here’s why!
My mother, on the other hand, used to belong to family and, some day, her father vanished, leaving my mother, her 3 brothers and sisters and her mother with no money. At the time, my grandmother didn’t work. So, in a blink of an eye, she went from an economical stable life style to a situation where she had to work for survival of the whole family. My grandmother didn’t work and she was dysfunctional herself towards my mother. That turned my mother into an extremely jealous person, possessive and what people call a “weekend alcoholic”. In working days, she controls herself more or less, but on non-working days, she drinks like very few do even on college parties!
Well, I’ll tell you a couple of episodes that describe the emotional abuse that has always reined around my family and how they act.
When I was around 8, my brother went to first grade elementary school (he had just turned 6). At school, he had problems articulating sentences, he didn’t use the words in the right place in the sentences. His teacher told my parents that he was mentally challenged and should be followed by the correct therapists. In that very same day, my father started to mistreat my mother and brother, making them to run away from home for a few a days. In the meantime, he tried to turn me (an 8 year old!!!) against them! Well, after things cooled down, they returned home and my brother went to therapy. And guess what, after taking tests, he was found to be way more intelligent than the average kids of his age! And as he was on an age where we learn how to articulate speech, his reasoning was way faster than his ability to speak, so he was clumsy while talking. Now, as he was not “retarded” after all, he was already a fine kid, worthy of my father’s love and attention.
Other episodes happened while my mother is alone at home with us. As my father took shifts on his work, he was not at home sometimes during weekends or in the evening. My mother stated to drink and she fires her anger towards us. She did it countless times. Yelling, threatening that she would abandon us (even when we were at ages around 10 ou 12 years old), etc.
She and my father just love and hate each other. In a minute they are kissing, in the other minute they are fighting, screaming, throwing things at each other, etc.
But in the middle of all this, I was always the one in that family that tried to put out the fires. The one that took it all, that tried, at any price, reach a few more days of cease-fire.
And then, it came the day I met the woman with whom I went to live together. First, her family belong to the “so called inferior race” (note: inferior race are not just a matter of skin colour, also people of lower income, lower education, etc.). Second, they realized I don’t belong to them only. Since then, things just got worse and worse. My mother just kept on calling me (sometimes drunk, sometimes sober) yelling at me, insulting my wife, insulting me, etc.
One day, we organized a dinner at our place with both our parents, to give them the best news ever: my wife was pregnant. When we told, her parents jumped off the seats happy. My parents, for a few seconds were in shock, as if they were told that someone died on a car accident. And since the pregnancy and the child’s birth, things just kept going, with me always trying to put out the fires. Until one day, some weeks ago, it all exploded for the last time. I arranged with them to spend Sunday afternoon with them, together with my daughter. And, as we only arranged for the afternoon, in the morning, we went to the beach with my in-laws. While I was at the beach, they called to confirm at what time would we meet. When they realized that we were “committing the offense” of spending the morning with my “inferior race in-laws” and only the afternoon with them, they started once again, screaming, mistreating me, etc. And that was it. It was the day when I said enough. After getting home, giving diner to the baby, putting her to bed, etc., I just started to cry like I’ve never, ever, cried before. It was just way too many years of this.
I don’t see myself in the role they tried to bring up. I don’t believe in “superior” or “Inferior” races. I don’t believe that women are worse than man, gays are worse than straight, Africans are worse than Europeans, etc. I don’t believe that people are there to serve us. I believe in equality, peace, love, caring, etc. I believe that if we want something we have to work for it. I believe we should help those in need. I believe that you can be either a good or a bad person regardless of whether you are son of a king or from a single mom in a ghetto.
And I want my life! I want to be myself! I don’t want to feel the adrenaline rushing in my body when the phone rings because it might be them screaming at me for no reason again. I don’t want to be with them just because they brought me to the world and feel entitled to mistreat me and take it all on me. I don’t want to feel the anger I feel inside of me towards them, because I just don’t believe in anger. Anger only brings more sadness.
Now, I’m doing therapy, starting my estrangement despite the additional challenges I have to face.
Sorry for the XL text, but it’s the first time I write about it. For those who did it, thanks for reading it. Honestly!


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RE: Adults estranged from parents

' I don’t want to feel the adrenaline rushing in my body when the phone rings because it might be them'

You cannot live a happy, healthy, fulfilling life if you panic every time the phone rings, *& they're always going to be this way*.

We tend to think that "it's only me", "I'm the only one".

Nobody is "the only one".

Things like this happen all the time, & there's never anything the victim can do to make their parents normal.

You can cut the strings & go on to a happy, rewarding, joyful life.

You're the father today;
you have a young family that needs you;
pour your energy & your love into living well with your own new family.

I wish you the best.


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RE: Adults estranged from parents

As much as we would all love to have a close, loving family, sometimes it just doesn't turn out that way. You have tried your best. Now cut the strings and don't look back. You sound as though you have turned out to be quite an amazing person despite your upbringing. Good for you!

Linda


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