Also ask the lawyer about the house. Do you have any proof--reciepts and such that show you did put money into the house. Can you go to the builder and get some? Do you have bank records that show how much money you had and when it was taken out? Do you have the papers the lawyer gave you that you signed. If you don't have money to hire a lawyer look into legal aid. Do not feel bad that you are doing this to your daughter. I know it kills a mother, but you have to be strong for the boy. In order to pursue this and not hurt the boy, you have to be as sneaky as she is--let on to her that you don't want to be responsible for the boy. Make sure it is only to her and there are no witnesses. Do notunder any circumstance say anything like that on the phone she could be taping it. If you can ever get the boy alone tell him this has nothing to do with him and you will always love him. Good luck

Wow, with a few decades of history, it's really hard to offer any advice. I think the first thing is to deal with your depression. Talk to your doctor or naturopath about healthy choices that can help you with your mood (eg - nutrition, exercise, B vitamins - or, if you think it's too bad for that to help, antidepressant medications). Then do something that makes you take notice of yourself and feel good about YOU - take a weekend away with a friend at the spa, start a new hobby, get a sassy haircut. Maybe that will remind you that you deserve to be treated well and give you the confidence to make it a requirement. When you talk to DH and/or the kids, make sure you're using "I statements" and keeping it relevant to the current situation. It's OK to say "We have a long pattern of [undesirable relationship attribute]," but make sure you use an example from the past 6 months, not from when the kid was 13. Try to find simple and concrete actions that everyone could do to help with the problem. Saying "I want to be treated with respect" isn't very helpful for getting a disrespectful person to change their ways... But maybe saying something like this would be more helpful, "I would prefer that if you have a gripe with me, you approach me directly to resolve it instead of talking to others first. If you're not comfortable speaking in person, then phone or an email is fine too." When it comes to your DH, I don't think you'll have a lot of success in saying "Look, Hunny, your daughter is a selfish beeyatch, so stop defending her and make her treat me properly." I think you'll have more success in saying "Now that most of the kids are out of the house and on with their own lives, I think you and I should do some rebuilding on our own relationship. Being an empty nest and negotiating the landmines of an adult blended family is different that the situation we were in until the kids moved out. Let's make a weekly date night to focus on each other and our relationship. Remember how we used to love [activity - eg playing cribbage, making dinner together, going to movies]? Let's pick that back up again!" Maybe a reminder that he is in a relationship with you is what DH needs. Maybe not? I don't know.

hahahaha dotz!!!! I got that word from my mother. My housedresses are old sundresses, (some of them over 15 years old) so they're a little short or holey or inappropriate in some other way. When I get home from work, I'll throw one on to do housework. I ended up missing the exit off the freeway for the butcher so went to Costco anyway. And it wasn't busy. And it wasn't hot. And I forgot DD had an after school activity at school, so I had an extra 45 minutes and just hit the store like a fiend - with a list! Managed to get out of there only spending $150, which is a record for me. And, I must admit, $45 of that was for a bottle of Shalimar. I figured, you send me to Costco.... LOL. I've always wanted a bottle, and it's quickly becoming my favorite scent. I keep smelling my wrists. :) Oh, and DH doesn't even know I went to Costco, so he doesn't know I folded... So, the menu is: Red wine Cheese plate with crackers and meats and grapes Herb crusted lamb chops with pomegranate sauce on a bed of fresh cut corn and parsley Parmesan sprinkled Asparagus Quinoa with tiny bits of carrot and onion Blueberry tarts and vanilla ice cream I cleaned the house yesterday, got the asparagus trimmed and washed and in a glass tupperware. Sliced the cheese, washed the grapes. All I have to do today is prepare the meat, throw the quinoa and carrots and onions in the rice maker, steam the asparagus and toss it and make the blueberry tarts. And I cheated with the tarts. I bought some of those little mini crusts, pre-made. DH was grumbling that three lamb chops apiece were not enough. I laughed, I can only eat one. I know Gpa will probably only eat two. I can't believe I thought DH hated lamb all this time. He insists he loves it. Who knew??? I've cooked it and (in my memory) he always complains. And DD flat out does not like it (which I can understand, it's gamey). So..... I have to think of something to cook her, or something to go with the lamb that will match. I'll probably just do some herb crusted tofu with the pom sauce. I do a tofu side with a lot of meals I do, like teriyaki chicken... And she loves tofu. I just want to avoid the whole separate meal thing...

This is what I would do. I might even take "just her" out of school on one particular day, and I would arrange it ahead of time with her teacher on a day when little was happening. And I would tell her that, say that on Tuesday (or what ever day you choose) is _______ day. (insert her name). Tell her on that day, she is going to have a special day. You are not rewarding bad behavior, but instead, getting her back on track with your family. It would be a day when just the two of you go out to a special lunch. You go for a long walk while the other kids are in school. You hand her a piece of paper that says "pass" on it, and tell her that this special paper gives her the opportunity to say and talk about whatever she wants to say. Even if it "hurts" for you to hear...let her get it out. And simply listen...really, really listen, and try not to be defensive, etc. Let her talk about what is on her heart, and about her time with her mother. Just let her get it out, and bite your tongue as best you can, as she tells you things you may or may not want to hear. I am imagining that since you and your DH have custody of her, and that her mother moved out of state away from her child, that this "mother" is not mother of the year. Was this young girl "safe" while with her mother? Could something have "happened" or do you simply think that it is as simple as her mother bad mouthing you and your DH, to try and make herself look better in her daughters eyes? Could the slowness be depression or profound discouragement and hopeless feelings created by a mother who "chooses" to be absent from her little girls life? Could it be a young girl who struggles internally with the conflicts over the disappoint with who this mother of hers really is, and not understanding these feelings or how to cope with them? Let her talk about the good, the bad and the ugly. And then you will know what she is struggling with, and what is creating the problems. Some of the problems may go away, simply because she is able to talk about them and get them out, and not keeping them inside creating havoc. I would work with her so that the feelings she is experiencing do not take hold and turn into anger, rage, and all that can make a teenager so difficult. Yes, part of the behavior is part of being 11. And yet, this young girl has more going on than that. Most cannot imagine their "mother" abandoning them at such an age. I remember reading about the actress Meg Ryan whose mother did this, and the pain this caused the actress for years. How she will have no relationship with this mother who abandoned her as a young girl. It might also be the time to talk to her about the "facts of life" and I love the idea of a special box filled with girl goodies, like feminine products, deodorant, lip gloss, etc, for you and she to anticipate and acknowledge the changes that will be coming in the next year or two. IMO, you can get a lot more of what you want from her with honey (understanding) than with anger and punishment. ***I want to add that depending on her fathers personality and relationship with his daughter, all of this might be better if her dad does this with with his young daughter. He might better be able to discuss the things on her heart regarding her mother (and the disappointments) the divorce from her mother, the behavior of her mother, and perhaps some of the things her mother may have told her. If you both decide that your husband should open up these lines of communication with his daughter, tell him to listen...listen...and listen and let her simply "talk" and get all of this out. Sometimes, feeling really "heard and understood" can relieve feelings of depression, etc. But to me, what this child needs more than anything is to talk and work through some of what she must be feeling about her mother, and the disappointment in her, and the guilt for being disappointed, and the realization deep down of who this mother of hers really is, and her lack of presence in her daughter life. Is she the oldest? Does she have a natural sibling that lives with her, or are the other children in the house yours, or children you and her father had together, after getting married? I guess to help you feel compassion, instead of frustration and anger with her, is to try and understand her. Can you imagine if your own parents had divorced, and you went to live with your father and his new wife. And your mom just moved away, out of state for either a job, or a lover, and you were left behind? Even though your dad's new wife might be nice enough, there would still be a struggle over why your mom moved away, and left you. Ya know? I think you are doing a good job in trying to help this young girl, and trying to work with her, and understand her struggles. This is just my take on the whole thing. And last, because she struggles in school, can you find something that she is good at, and encourage her in this area, so that she feels good about herself. For example, is she creative and can you help her to learn to choose recipes and cook special meals once a week for the family. Make sure that the other children in the family are positive about her efforts. She could watch the cooking show and try making a simple dinner, letting her do most of it but you being nearby to lend a hand here and there, but give her all of the credit and make a big deal out of her efforts. Or a sport, etc., so that she builds good feelings about herself. It must be hard to be the one in school who struggles so, because there are always those "perfect" girls who are so bright and their parents make sure they are on top. Perhaps you could explain to her that every one has gifts, and where she may struggle in one area, she may excel in another. And the students who are so bright, will have other areas where they have struggles others may not know about. That some may be great in math, but find vocab a struggle. others may find vocab a breeze, but struggle with math. Anyway, help her find something to feel good about, because a mother's abandonment can set her up right off the bat to feel bad about herself. Anyway, hang in there, and I applaud your efforts at helping this young girl!