Hi Cinful...I know exactly what you mean...when the doctors told her 3-6 months left, I thought I would never stop crying, and I didn't want our last moments together to be miserable. I know we said everything we wanted and needed to say to each other, but in the end, I still worry that there may have been something else left unsaid, something I forgot to ask her, or something from the past that we just wanted to remember. We only got about 2 months together at the end, and even when it finally happened it seemed like it just couldn't be happening already. I am sorry that you are alone, I do have children and a husband, but we all lived together, and they really do not understand what I am going through. I feel like I am alone, except that I can't just break down all the time, I have to be strong...it feels like it is killing me to do that though. I really just want to crawl into bed and stay there. The one thing that keeps me going is that my mom asked me to. She told me to be strong for HER, and to be happy for HER. I am not happy, but I am being as strong as I can be. That means not thinking of her too often, or all I would do is cry. But I know she knows that. She bought me a journal at the end, and I didn't think it would help, but it has. I write to her as much as I can, everyday in the beginning, and I tell her the things I would have told her if she were here. It does help. My mom was my everything too...even though I have other family, and children, she was it. Every moment of the day we were together...have been for 42 years. She has sent me signs since she's been gone, I know a lot of people don't believe in that, and think it is wishful thinking, but it's not. Keep an open mind after everything is over, don't shut yourself down. Stay with your mom till the end, try not to feel guilty...I know that even though my mom and I talked about everything, I still felt guilty when she passed, like maybe there was more I could have done. I am trying to get past that. I feel so bad for you, and your dad...maybe try to be strong for him, as I have to for my baby...it helps to be there for someone else, when all you want to do is go with your mom. I know at least for me that is true. When she first got sick, I thought I would go with her in the end, but I cannot go right now. My family needs me, my baby needs me. I think that is why he happened so late in my life...he was my lifeline from God...Take care, please let me know how you are doing, and I will do the same.

Greetings Nita1950 ... fom a guy who goes back to 1929, I take my hat off to you who, with a noble heart, has been so kindly disposed to relatives who have treated you so poorly. With regard to his trip, the major difference is distance. I expect that, as a pizza driver, he may well have had a few hard knocks to deal with, or ones that could have become so. He has quite probably run into some difficult situations, which, in deference to your concerns, he has not revealed to you in their entirety: people can sometimes get into some rather hot water, close to home, let's not forget. It has long seemed to me a wise idea for a parent to discuss various potential results that might develop if one were to follow varying courses of action in certain situations, as our children grew up, though I was partially removed, being a non-resident father from the time that ours were rather young. It has seemed to me important, our world having become as complex as it is, and with innovations happening so rapidly, to encourage our children to develop reasoning skills and the ability to navigate their way through the increasing complexities of life. To prepare themselves step by step for independence. My daughter spent I think that it was her junior year in High School as an exchange student in Hamburg, Germany, living wih a family where the father was an engineer in the city administration. She said that, while she was happy to go with them as a little mouse in the back seat on various trips, she did some travelling on her own, going with a school group to camp above Florence for about a week, I think, and she did some travelling through Europe and in ... was it Morocco? in North Africa. Her Mom being from Iowa, she has dual citizenship and, following the breakup of hewr marriage, took off for Arizona ... California ... a few years ago, settled in Prescott, found work, later moved to Phoenix ... returned to Ontario, Canada after a layoff, and when her Mom was battling cancer, but since has returned to AZ, where she plans to locate. She's a venturesome spirit and, if she may have encountered some minor difficulties alog the road, has been able to cope with them effectively. I grew up on a farm near here, had never travelled more than 30 miles from home ... till my Dad, due partly to health problems, relocated to the prairies when I was a teen. After Univ., on grad from (liberal Protestant) seminary, near the end of the Korean War I asked and was appointed as a missionary and refugee resettlement worker to go to Korea ... this kid who had neve seen an ocean spent more than 2 weeks on it: it gives one an idea of how large our world is. And the Korean War had ended in a truce in 1953 (there's still been no peace agreement) by the time that I arrived, but the refugees were having a hard time. I hope that you can rest easily, trusting that this precious child will be fine as he embarks on this new adventure ... as I think that there are about 999 chances in 1,000 to be the case. And even if the one potential difficulty should occur, quite likely it will be minor, and easily coped with. I've been hearing that some of our kids are breaking down in college, largely due to their having been driven everywhere, so carefully shepherded at home, and scheduled, etc. that they've found it almost impossible to cope with life on their own. That's tough - we need for the next generation to be innovative, self-reliant, etc. and not lacking in self-confidence ... and, from what you've said, I don't think that your young son is on such a path. Good wishes to both of you, as you embark on this new adventure: it's time to let him off of the leash, right? ole joyful

Behavior #1 - sits in the living room with headphones on and plays video games for 4 to 14 hours. To me that is normal. Not the 14 hours but certainly the 4 hours or longer. Under the same conditions as your stepson, about to be on duty on a submarine, at his mother's house where he did not grow up, no friends in the area, that is exactly what I would expect my son to do. There are 21 year old men who play video games to unhealthy extremes but a 21 year old in the Navy on leave in my opinion is not in that place. Behavior #2 - I must be missing something here. That doesn't sound like eavesdropping to me. He has his earphones on, he can hear you with the earphones on, he laughs at a joke he overhears. That would not bother me and I wouldn't consider it eavesdropping if my son did that. Scratching his privates, monologues, not making eye contact, not saying goodnight or be right back, BSing, awkwardness petting the dog, chewing with mouth full, not waiting till everyone has their food, leaving a messy room, some young men are like this. I have known some awkward young men who turned out to be perfectly nice when I got to know them better. My son does not do these things but plenty of normal young men do. I realize these things are disconcerting to you. In our family we say goodnight or be right back...except my daughter for some reason didn't do this and I just let that one go, not worth it to me to bring it up. I think you are being unreasonable to expect your 21 year old son to observe and fall into that custom. The BSing will probably take care of itself over time as your son spends more time in the Navy. Other Navy men or women will probably call his hand on that one I would think, and that would be way more effective than anything your wife would say or do. The only thing that would really get to me on that one is the pacing up and down during dinner if that's a frequent occurrence. The note thing when he left sounds reasonable to me, at least at his own mother's house. I would expect my kids to write a nice, appreciative thank you note if they were guests in someone else's home but not at my home. If my son was in the Navy on leave, realized he had some things he needed to do and needed to get back to base quickly I would kick his butt for pausing to wake me up or write a long note. I wouldn't expect my son to wake the family up if he needed to leave unexpectedly. Behavior #3 - Your family is gregarious, he is not, he stifles the vibe at your house. You would be doing your daughter a favor if you teach her not to let those things bother her (and you). She has a lifetime of being around difficult people - college roommates, co-workers, possibly in-laws. It would be better for him if he learned how to join in, but it would be a gift to your daughter if you taught her that she cannot control others but she can control herself. It is also a gift to your daughter to learn to be inclusive and draw out difficult people in a way that is not overbearing. Not only is it the kind and decent way to be but also some people earn more money through their excellent soft skills. Behavior #4 - The person causing this problem with your daughter is your wife. As mentioned above, you, your wife and your daughter need to get family counseling for the 3 of you. He is your daughter's half brother, she shouldn't have to *entertain* him very often. Also, your daughter needs to be communicating these issues with her mother if she isn't already doing that. Your daughter sounds melodramatic to me for the situation you are describing. 16 year old girls (boys too) can be real drama queens, even if they were not that way as kids or young teens. Keep in mind your daughter will feed off your feelings and actions and our kids are very, very, very good at sensing what our feelings are even if we think we have kept them hidden. Families are messy, people are messy. This is a golden opportunity to teach your daughter how to deal lovingly, kindly, compassionately with awkward people while still doing what she needs to do to keep her own life reasonable. It is so much better if she has had experience with this before she goes off to college while you are there to act as a sounding board and sometimes a buffer. Sometimes our kids are in stressful, awkward situations that we want them removed from when really those very situations are going to prepare them for something down the road. What if your daughter has a stepson with Aspberger's one day, or a child with Aspberger's. Or a roommate or coworker. If I were your wife I would not sit down and talk to my son about Aspberger's or even much of this behavior you describe and I would embrace family counseling with you and your daughter. If I were you I would couch this to your wife in terms of going to a counselor to learn how to best help your stepson and also to help your daughter deal with this. For one thing it's true, your wife does need to go in order to learn how to best support your stepson and your/her daughter. I know you said previous visits over the years went fine but now they're not. That could be due to a lot of things. Maybe the visits are longer now, in which case you would see more issues bubbling up no matter how delightful he is. Maybe he is stressed from his college difficulties and now joining the Navy, perhaps doubting his path in life. Perhaps before both he and his brother visited together and he was more comfortable then or perhaps having his brother there masked some of his issues. I think your wife is correct that it is not her place and not yours to talk to him about possible Aspberger's Syndrome at this point in his life. It's not your place or hers to ask him to go get evaluated or tested; the time for that was years ago. It doesn't sound like any of you have a close relationship with him. The thing to do now is to build a good relationship with him. He probably really needs your support right now at this point in his life so this is a golden opportunity to build that solid relationship. Welcome him, love him, respect him as a person and a member of your family. If you do that then later on the time will come when you or your wife can broach some of your concerns. I am not hearing that he says mean things or sexually inappropriate things, not hearing that he steals things or destroys things. Not hearing anything about drugs or alcohol, nothing about him offering your daughter drugs or alcohol. Not hearing about him taking your car and wrecking it or constantly hitting you up for money. This does not sound like an awful situation to me, just a situation that is awkward and uncomfortable. You know, your daughter is going to have awkward and uncomfortable situations with family in her future whether your stepson visits or not. What kind of person do you want her to be? If you want her to believe that family is important even if it's awkward or uncomfortable then model that for her. What if her husband doesn't like you, do you want her to expect that her husband will still be thoughtful and considerate to you? If so, then model that for her with your stepson. Last, if I were you I would go to counseling with your daughter and give her some time to talk to the counselor by herself. Your daughter could be melodramatic because she's feeding off your emotions, because she's just going through a drama queen phase right now, because she's upset about something else in her life and projecting it onto this situation. But there could be things she isn't telling you or your wife that are valid concerns. Whatever you decide, I hope and wish the best for all of you. It's not easy knowing the right thing to do sometimes.

I can very easily imagine in a "family friendly" neighborhood, people treating their backyards, especially if they are not particularly cultivated looking, as semi-common property. A large percentage of families care much more about their kids than their yards. I grew up in such a neighborhood. Kids cut through the yard and sometimes would play on our swingset (which was home-fabbed and superior) without asking. Nobody seemed to care. But these were the days before everyone sued everyone else. Since those days I have become considerably more concerned and defensive over any yard I've cared for, but also quit living in family friendly type neighborhoods. I would have second thoughts about planting any low-cost shrubs even on a temporary basis. Those are usually the ones that grow super fast and tend toward being weedy or have other undesirable traits. A row of corn, castor beans, or something that will die at summer end, would do the same thing and be a lot easier to get rid of.