I had a similar problem with my K'er. He would misbehave in school. The first thing I would ask the teacher is "What is the specific offending behavior?" Like you, I was sick thinking about my child being a PIA in school. However, it turned out that the offending behavior was inappropriate, but not quite as bad as I had imagined. He was rolling on the carpet during circle time and getting out of his seat without asking during other times. So-the behavior might not be as bad as you fear. It still needs to be dealt with, but might not be as disruptive as you fear. I disagree with Talley Sue that most 1st graders can't articulate WHY they are misbehaving. However, this is clearly an issue with YOUR child so you will need to deal with it. Perhaps it would be best to ask him some direct questions that he can answer yes or no to. After a few yes or no questions he might offer up some information. I also find that boys often want to talk during some activity. So maybe you can find some time to play with him and engage in conversation at the same time. Another good suggestion is to work with the teacher. It is not entirely effective to punish a child 5 hours after the offense but there should be some consequence for his actions. Ask the teacher what she will be trying in class and how you can support her at home. Then she knows you are trying to help. You don't want the teacher to get the idea that you are uncooperative. Besides she has probably seen hundreds of 1st graders, you only have yours. If you have had to make some changes in your life maybe you need to explain them to your son in language he can understand. I understand that you don't want to burden him, but you can explain some things to him. I think when things are changing around them most people (not just children) cope with the changes better if they have some idea of what to expect, and why the changes are necessary. BTW-I am also finding 8 to be challenging. Same reasons as Stephanie. He wants to be big, and in some ways he is, but he can't do everything he wants. Mommabear

Dear Paigect, I am another one of those - former stepchild/stepmother. I didn't like my stepfather for a while, but figured things out when I grew up and we had a great relationship before he died of cancer. My first dad was dead when I got him, so there wasn't any wishing to get back together stuff. What role do you think you could play in putting an end to your son's fantasy of you 2 getting back together? Do you think that you could actually help the situation? Or do you just want your ex to be the one to deal with it? I take it you aren't remarried yourself. If you are truly trying to get your son happy and able to have a relationship with his dad- you could help. If your son acts out and is disrespectful to his stepmother and you condone it and blame it on the fantasy and her - you are giving him a message that he can be disrespectful to adults if he chooses not to like them. Do you see that? I have one stepson who is like that, and I have another one who I adore and he a loves me. The difficult one has done things that would curl your hair - choked his girlfriend, stole his dad's gun and got arrested 3 days out of marine boot camp, run around naked, at 16, holding his penis out in front of 10 year old girls thinking he's funny, wrecked cars- twice in one weekend one time, threatened me, runaway and left horrid notes blaming me numerously, got beat up at school for running his mouth and needed to be taken to the med station a number of times, stole his dad's 300.00 fish finder and lost it, lying, partying and skipping school, bad grades, no job, the list goes on and on. When do you say enough is enough? His hell bent goal was to get his dad to divorce me so he could be in charge. He wanted to run things. He blames me for joining the Marines -claims he wanted to get away from me. Now he hates it and it is all my fault. It will be my fault if he gets hurt too. He isn't responsible for any part of our bad relationship or his choices, is he? I am just supposed to take it, the blame and the horrid behavior. His room is a mess from the last time he was home - including used rubbers and half eaten candy bars stuck to the carpet. Oh by the way, his carpet is ruined, there are holes in the walls and his mattress is all chopped up - the new one I bought for him when we moved into our house together. That is all my fault too. Some kids just aren't nice. I must be doing something right though - his brother loves me like crazy. And now you can call me an evil stepmother like he does. Or you can realize that some of us have come to the end of our ropes and patience. You know what? I honestly hold my husband responsible, along with my stepson, for his behavior. If my husband hadn't made excuses for him, made him accountable for his actions and made him take some responsibility, he wouldn't have turned out as bad as he did. I have 2 of my own kids in the house too. They are not bad kids and respect my husband. My ex is out of the picture. It is like I have 3 kids and he has the one. I don't want to leave my husband, because then I couldn't keep my stepson who loves me. The older one is out of the house in the Marines now and it is a whole different household. There is peace. It isn't the his kids vs mine thing. Sure they all pull stuff. But I can discipline now and no one accuses me of being mean and targeting the step kid and other rubbish. It is fair. And there is respect and love that goes both ways. That is the most important thing. No I couldn't respect my older stepson. His repeated behavior wouldn't facilitate it. Every time it would seem to get better - he would pull something and some how he would turn it around and someone else was to blame. Usually me. Yes I am relieved he is in the marines. No, as a matter of fact, I clearly stated I didn't want him to join. He doesn't have good sense and I am afraid for him. But there is a peace in the house. Except of course for my husband. He blames me that his son is gone. But you know what - he is the one who could have refused to let him join. He is the one who could have talked him out of it. He had the influence and the power. Not me. Master manipulator that kid is, huh. Oh, by the way - the boys mother killed herself 3 years ago. She was a drug addict, convicted of embezzlement too. Her choices caught up with her and that was her answer. Now her son is going down her path. I am scared to death for him. I wish someone could help him, but I clearly can't. Maybe the marines will. And when he grows up, maybe he will figure out I wasn't that bad and we can have some sort of relationship. No I won't hold my breath though - I don't want to die, already had that scare with ovarian cancer. Life is too short to be that miserable. Until you walk in someone elses shoes, be careful how you judge them. Some of us have had waaaayyyyy too much to handle with perfect grace. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. That is the path of a stepmother.

Yes........it happens to me, too. Every time we go up north. Bad part is we are trapped in their house unless we decide to pay for their kids to do whatever it is we want to do. We wanted to go sledding last Christmas while we were there. We live in Texas so sledding is a very rare thing and they had just had a TON of snow there. We had bought our kids a sled to share for Christmas and gave it to them before we left. The day after we got there, we wanted to go sledding. "well, our sleds handles are broke so we really can't go, but you can go since you have one". It was all a guilt-trip to get us to buy their kids sleds. So......we did. We wanted our kids to have a good time. I told FDH that we will NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER go there around a gift-giving holiday again. I always take a small token gift for the ladies (FMIL and 2SIL, then this year was a nephew's wife). They were just small candles. Can you believe they actually refused them?! Yes, I hauled them 800 miles and they say "Oh, you shouldn't have; you really shoudn't have; we thought we were only buying for the kids; we didn't have anything for you".

I can only imagine what you're feeling, but I'd urge you to think things through very carefully before taking any dramatic and rash steps. Imagine your husband consents and you win custody of your son. You already know your husband doesn't love him and doesn't want him in your lives. How will he treat your son? Will that really be better for your son? And at what cost to you? What will day-to-day life be like? And will you have to walk on eggshells to buffer your husband from your son? If your son doesn't really want to move, what will happen if he misbehaves on purpose? If your ex decides to cause turmoil for you all? If your ex starts with the mind games? Imagine your husband consents and the custody battle drags on for months and months (like most do), increasing the stress level in your home, draining "his money" (I put that in quotes because I imagine that's how he will see it) and taking your time and energy away from meeting his needs? Imagine his relief if you lose, and your resentment of his relief. Now imagine your husband refuses your request. You say you have packed, but are you really ready to walk out dramatically? You have money? A job? A place to live? What about your daughter? Will she be better off if you leave? How's your marriage otherwise? And will your son be any better off if you leave? How? Will you even be able to get custody of him without your husband's financial resources? A second divorce won't look very attractive to a family court judge. If he's still only visiting you, will he now be visiting you in a crappy apartment no better than his dad's? Have you taken a close look at your children's behaviors? Many stepparents on this forum report that one or all of the stepkids are spoiled brats, treat them with disrespect, ignore them, etc. How does your son behave? And is there anything in his behavior that could cause or contribute to your husband's indifference? And does your son want to live with you now? Enough to change some behaviors? I'm certainly not recommending you do nothing --- only that you do nothing in haste. Drama is good for daydreams, but for real life, it's traumatic and destructive. Walking out could mean ending your marriage, and it's unlikely to get you what you want --