Thank you very, very much for passing along this information. Please know you have my condolences and it does my heart good to think he found enjoyment in our company. This site has been a place of enjoyment for a lot of us over the years, no matter how much or little we post. He sounds like just a very special person indeed. It's a privelidge to see past user names and learn a little more about the real person behind them. I know it had to be difficult at this time for you to post this, but it enriches all of us. Thank you.

My problem is not about marriage! Mine is about my eldest, who loves to degrade me, talk about me to her friends, get them to believe she knows me SO WELL, that whatever she says about me is absolutely the truth! She will tell me, she is JUST TRYING TO HELP ME,that I have problems, that no one knows about but her, then she blasted me on an internet page, (not in private) but so E1 could read it, about something I did 2 mos ago and saying the current incident is THE SAME thing but that she stood up for me anyway, when another family member I now live with said I lied,(which I didn't). Anyway,twice, she had asked me to live with her, to help me financially, after becoming disabled and was struggling but both times, it was a disaster, and of course,(I got the blame) even though I stay to myself, respect others in the home,tried not to get work dumped on me. But both times I got accused of not doing ANY of that! And of course,also, SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT! If I would have my own opinion on ANYTHING...she would correct me, telling me and others how WRONG I am! We have mutual friends and I think she is also jealous of that! One of my other daughters has told her to stay away from her and her family, that she was no longer welcome in their home because she related her husband to someone else, that he is totally not like at all. A mutual friend on an internet site, doesn't talk to her anymore, and I recently asked her why that was, and she said she HONESTLY didn't know, she just quit talking to her? I just read the post on: "TOXIC Relationships"! And believe me, most of it has been going on for about 3 plus yrs. between us. I have stopped talking to her in the past, due to this behavior toward me but if she approached me and apologized,(which isn't often but she will do it, if there's a benefit in it somewhere)...or so it seems?...I have given her the benefit of the doubt and we have started hanging out again! It's funny how the very things she accuses me of, she does herself but somehow, the WAY she does it, is still better than me! I just moved out the last time at the end of Feb 11 and moved in with another fam. member because I had no where to go. She didn't ask me to move out but it wasn't pleasant, so decided it was best for me! (all involved)!I think she's jealous as I said about a mutual friend because I had asked her to go places with me without my daughter and so? Her and I get along! my daughter has told me to SHUT UP in public and embarrased me, and our friend said "respect her, that's your Mom". And she'd say, "I'm just playing"! For some reason she had gotten into this bad habit of saying this and even has said it to her husband making him mad too! However, she has gotten over that mostly! Her and her husband had their own problems and needed help, that's ok but now that they are, she advises others, as though she's all fixed and can/should tell others their problems and "learn from this" is what she likes to say now! I have made my mistakes ,I'm human but when I did said I wouldn't do it again and didn't but this last thing she decided to advise me on was similiar but not exactly the same thing happened but she isn't SAYING it but doesn't believe me about it! And when I told her she was wrong about it and me, she just kept going on and on about it and I asked her to quit, that I can kick my own butt all by myself. That I already felt bad about the situation and her rubbing it in wasn't helping!BUT she just kept on, so I said what I had to say and decided it was best to not talk to her and had to delete her off my internet page so I don't get her messages! It's too tempting for me to reply and I just don't need her "helpful" advise or hurtful words! I have felt like crap over all this happening! This is my eldest daughter! I've asked her to respect me, even if she didn't like things I DO! I don't go out of my way to say hurtful things to her! But even in common talk, she will begin YELLING..just to say something like she's anticipating a neg. reply before I speak, so I am already on the defense myself and YELL back! It is utterly ridiculous! ANd I have never liked it! But I can't get her to see her part in it! Even her best friend said,I dont argue with her, cause she has always GOT TO BE RIGHT! And her room mate that lives with them asked me a couple of times,"Why do you argue with her, just ignore her, smile and say BLESS YOUR HEART"!(but she either tells her off or kisses her rear end) and my daug. makes extra money off her for staying there? Well back then, I didn't realize the arguing is what she wanted to prove her point as to why she is always right! But if you tell her that, she will say "No she doesn't need to be"! SO, once again, I am having to just stay away from her,& not talk to her! It feels awful! But if I say look Im done, I can't take this anymore, you won't quit, she will say, "why do you treat me so mean"? "I do everything for everyone and this is how I get treated by everybody"! Gee, I don't know..hmmm!So here I am, on the net, looking up this problem to see, if I am wrong! But from what I've read, it is on her! Her own LOW SELF-ESTEEM, and she needs to do this! OMG, this is heart-breaking to me! She had me convinced for so long, that I was just a terrible Mother and making all these mistakes. Not when she was young, she had the utmost RESPECT for me! But as an adult, she has turned against me! And I honetly don't know why! She once said, she just didnt trust ANYONE anymore after her 2nd husband molested her kids!(13 yrs.ago and lots of counciling). That is where she lost trust! I can understand that but why me? I didn't do those things! Sorry this is so long but it DOES help to get it out! Without burdening my friends and family of hearing it ALL AGAIN! AND she doesn't WANT anyone TO THINK ANY OF IT IS HER FAULT! Never, ever,NEVER!!!! SO, I guess I do just have to stay completely away!?? That is so sad!She can seem so very caring and giving but I tell you, it will benefit her in the end! I did the best I could with what I knew raising my children, I have 4. 3 girls and one son! And the others don't treat me like this! And I'm not sure she treats them anywhere near how she does me! I don't hear all their conversations! Other than the other oldest(my 2nd) telling her to stay away since Thanksgivng I think? Or just around Christmas! By the way, she is 42, not a child! Anyway, thank you for letting me vent! Don't know if anyone has any comments or has had this kind of problem but it would be nice to hear whatever will help!? Thanks... CS

It's me -- the one who didn't intend to, but apparently started a small furor in this stepfamily forum. Many of you are correct in writing that some others were unkind, hateful, and/or cruel to me. But you know, I understand that perhaps these women have their own agendas (perhaps like the three Kids I mentioned!) and I'm doing my best to do as my mother always told me: "Remember the source, Kathy." I'm not able to change others' past experiences or their world view, and I'm not even going to try. I've learned in my 62 years that what has happened has just plain old happened. I cannot change that. I can only work with the present and plan for a great day and a brighter tomorrow. It is difficult, however, to not attempt to explain or defend ones' self when attacked. But I will do my best to remember the source of the attack and ignore it. That's sometimes very difficult, though, isn't it? Remember the rhyme "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? Well, words DO hurt. Back a LONG time ago my step-daughters called me "a fornicating bimbo" and an "evil and conniving witch." I didn't respond to either of those names. I've never replied in kind. Actually, my husband thought the "f.b." description was pretty funny, because I'm not really that type at all! Do you think they meant it as a compliment? ha ha. Nah, probably not! Nowadays, however, I'm told by them that they love me, and they DO appreciate how well I've taken care of their father. Our grandchildren are vocal with loving and appreciative words, too. So, I chose to remember those words, instead. Thank you all for the heads up, though. I appreciate it. Kathy in Washington

Hello. Well, for one thing, whether you call it a separation or a divorce, either way the effect is often the same. Blood is blood. Kids fully know who BM is and who dad's GF is, regardless of how long or in what manner bio-dad and BM were hooked up. Again, a lot of what I see above is you being expected to take on all of this family's angst, however it came about, and your big reward is being the family scapegoat vs. given any appreciation. And, sorry, but this how many (not all, but many) SMs, who are married to their husbands and may have been for years can be treated: "I'm the only one experiencing the poor treatment that no one will do anything about." Society tolerates this and even encourages it. They actually think that you are supposed to give up your soul for this other family. Yes, it is actually true! All I know is when I found this out via my own experiences and reading similar on other forums, I was just as shocked as you were. Good SM reading material: Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do [Wednesday Martin Ph.D.]. bossyvossy, alluded to this, but it really is risky for a single woman to take up with a man with children and just live together. I wanted to give you the shadow of a doubt and refer to you as SM vs. caregiver. But, even SMs who are married to their husbands and have been for years, are treated similar to what you are seeing now. It has to do with the way SMs are valued (or I should say undervalued) in our society. And, unfortunately, the only argument some see for SM being treated even remotely like a family member is as dad's wife, and even then, the "wife" part is often forgotten at family events, and without any foreknowledge, dad's wife of 10 years, for example, can go to an event and find out that her husband has been hooked up with BM for the event. Again, without SM's permission nor even her husband's. I used to feel that way too, that GFs or BFs really have little rights at all when it comes to SKs, because they can come and go at a moment's notice, and kids really don't want to deal with all of this, one day dad's GF is in and the next day she's out. BUT, I came to realize that dad's GF of three months is usually treated little differently than a SM of 25 years. So, this has led me to at least somewhat back up GFs living with a man with children, because a) it is becoming more prevalent, and b) I hate to see women get set up for failure by their own man and society, regardless of the living arrangements. But, bossyvossy is still right in the sense that here you are giving up quite a bit for this man and his children, and getting nothing in return, including not even a real commitment. Again, I know you love him, but backup and look at the facts, or at least ask yourself: What am I really getting out of this relationship? I am a SM and have a friend who was much like you, a single woman with no children who went on to marry a man with children. She had no clue what she was getting into. She gave her time, love, heart, and own hard-earned money to these children, and thought, like most, that she'd get some sort of acknowledgement in return. Years later, she's still waiting for it. She told me from her perspective being a SM is like having all of the bad parts (such as cooking, cleaning, disciplining) of being a mom, but with little to nil of the good parts (such as hugs, kisses, eyes filled with love, cards, acknowledgement). Something for all of us to think about.