How to Use PSP

Supplies you will need: 1 computer, 1 chair, 1 desk, 1 cat, 1 car, 1 copy

of Paint Shop Pro , one 6-pack, clothing optional.

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Step 1: Fix yourself a drink. I prefer Coke myself, but there are times when

I wonder if a shot of gin might help. I tried Cafe _Mocha once, but that

makes a mess when the cat flies from the top of the china cabinet to your

desk.

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Step 2: Put the cat outside or in another room and let her clean the Cafe

_Mocha off her own feet. I tried to clean her up once but it took me days to

get the fur off my tongue.

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Step 3: On the way back from putting the cat out, make a stop in the kitchen

and whine because you're all out of Oreos. Decide you can make do with Chips

Ahoy and remove 2 from the bag. Place them on a plate and put them in the

microwave for 10 seconds. During those 10 seconds, pace around the kitchen

island and begin to imagine colors in y our mind. Pastels? Bright Primaries?

Muted earth tones? Dark shades of gray?

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Step 4: Remove the plate of cookies from the microwave, change your mind,

put your clothes on, grab your wallet, and head for the nearest Quik Mart to

buy Oreos. After all, quality images require quality snack food!

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Step 5: Return home, get back into your comfy clothes, and sit down at your

computer and rip that bag of Oreos open with your teeth. That will show your

computer who's the boss around there.

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Step 6: Open your PSP program. Watch it come to life on the screen before

you. Smile with the knowledge that tonight you will create a masterpiece. A

computer graphic that will be so superb, so spectacular, it will make the

world sit up and take notice.

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Step 7: Open a new image. 400 pixels by 400 pixels. When it shows up black

on your monitor, close that, and open a new one with a transparent

background. Open an Oreo and eat the half witho ut the filling.

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Step 8: Fill the transparent image! with a ba ckground of your choice. Change

your mind and undo it. Search your files for a different background. Lick

the filling off the other Oreo half.

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Step 9: Find the perfect background for your image. Celebrate by eating the

other half Oreo.

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Step 10: Fill your transparent image with that perfect background. Decide

that isn't quite as perfect as it looked, growl, undo it, and open another

Oreo. But don't eat it.

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Step 11: Search through the CD where you've been storing special images.

Reboot your computer when your CD-Rom freezes. While your computer restarts,

wander across the living room and end up in the kitchen by accident. Nibble

a handful of peanuts.

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Step 12: Repeat Steps 6 &7, substituting a smirk for the smile.

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Step 13: Fill the transparent image with a solid color of your choice.

Celebrate by eating that Oreo you opened and left laying on your desk.

That's right. The half the cat didn't get when she jumped up on your desk

while you were nibbling peanuts in the kitchen. You didn't put her out did

you?

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Step 14: Decide you don't like the light color you filled the image with and

change it to a darker color. Change your mind once more and settle for a

medium dark color. Celebrate by twisting open an Oreo and eating the half

with the filling first.

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Step 15: Run to the kitchen and answer the phone. Tell the nice man you

don't need new carpeting.

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Step 16: Wander to the living room and look at the TV. Wonder to yourself if

maybe you'd be more inspired if you had a good movie playing while you

paint. Plug in your favorite movie. Have trouble with the *tracking

adjustment*, leave the fuzzy lines across the bottom of the TV screen.

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Step 17: Sit back down at your computer and look at the image with the

medium dark color. Notice the cat sitting under the dining room table eating

the last half of your Oreo. Make a mental note to replace the cat with a

parakeet.

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Step ! 18: Wond er what would happen if you applied a filter to that solid

color. Attempt to apply a filter. When nothing happens attempt to apply

another filter. Make a third try. Realize that your filters aren't working.

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Step 19: Go to PaintShopPro / Plugins / Filters. Yup! They're all there.

Check to see if you unzipped them. Check to see if you installed them. Check

to see if you unzipped and installed them into the right folder.

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Step 20: Unzip and install all those filters you downloaded. Close out all

windows and reboot your computer. Wander into the kitchen while your

computer restarts. Make yourself a turkey on white sandwich. Extra mayo.

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Step 21: Sit back down at your computer. Repeat Step 6. You forgot to save

your image didn't you? Repeat Step 7 with no smile.

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Step 22: Fill your transparent imag e with a solid color. Any color. You

don't care what anymore.

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Step 23: Attempt to apply a filter. Make another attempt. Find that some

work and some don't. Send a hasty email to a friend asking why this is

happening.

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Step 24: Make a quick run to the bathroom, then zip through the kitchen on

your way back and freshen your drink. Scotch might be appropriate at this

phase, settle for another coke.

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Step 25: Hear your email sound go off. Rush back to your computer, tripping

over the cat, and spilling half the drink on the carpet. If the kids are out

of earshot, use one of your favorite words and mop up the spill.

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Step 26: Sit down at your computer and read the email from your friend. It

speaks of setup.exe, msvcrt10.dll, and plugin.dll, C:\windows\,

C:\windows\system, D:\PaintShopPro\Plugins\. HUH? WHAT? WHERE?

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Step 27: Growl and eat 2 whole Oreos.

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Step 28: Return to your PSP program and look at your image with the

acceptable solid color background. It's a nice color. Maybe not the nicest,

but nice. Decide you could live with that. It's not so bad. You might even

come to like it. Eat 3 mo! re Oreos as you contemplate all this.

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Step 29: Finally decide that this new image is finished. It's fabulous! A

true work of art! A masterpiece! You've just created a new background to use

on a web page.

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Step 30: SAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!