I can see how stupid all this is. He does not get it. I have begged him to return the rest of the loan money to the bank, he refuses. The bills that I had set up to be automatically drafted are still being paid. He has some outstanding medical bills. Nothoing that would reqquire a loan.Indeed, he gave $1000 of the loan money to a Church we do not attend. He is not giving me money regularly for food or gas. Yet he eats here 4 nights a week.

I do have some savings that I intend to use to replace a kitchen and bath that are totally gutted. I may have to do that in stages. He points his
finger at me that I have money. I want to fix the house so he can't do that and to make it more resonabily comfortable to live in.

I see that he thinks he can waste his money because I can temporarily bail him out. He also needs to win over me and falsely show that he is the man in power. All foolishness. I try to keep my mouth shut and let him make his own mistakes, but this time I am numb. He does not see how this affects our marriage. He tells me I am paranoid and he will take care of it.

I had to pay the homeowners insurance out of my savings. Last week I found out that he bounced the property tax check. That was 6 weeks late.

I am looking for advise from anyone that has gone through this with a spouse.

If so, then I would guess there is something wrong medically.

You didn't state his age, but giving expensive gifts to a son and having all teeth removed sounds as if he's an older man. If he's in the age 45-55 range, he could be going through "male menopause", otherwise known as "middle-aged crazy".

I realize in his current state, getting him to go to the doctor might be difficult. You should go with him to explain his behavior to the doctor because, if he goes, he will minimize it and the doctor will say he's not having a problem and then your DH will have "proof". If you cannot go with him, call his doctor before he goes and have a frank discussion with the doctor.

Not knowing how your life with him was before, and how long you've been married, it's hard to tell what's going on. but if this is new behavior there is something driving it. Some people are passive-aggressive so they create situations that cause people to do things for them that they haven't got the courage to do themselves. For instance, a man with this disorder who has two girlfriends and wants to get rid of one will leave clues so that one woman will find out about the other. Then one of them will leave, solving his problem for him. Or, if he wants a divorce, he may become so unreasonable and difficult that the wife throws him out. In this manner, he has managed to be a "victim" rather than the "villain".

At any rate, you need to have a discussion with him to let him know that the fact that he is throwing around all this money does not impress you, and that you may decide to live without him. Do not bail him out of any of his financial dealings if at all possible. Do not trust him to make important payments such as your property tax. If he has access to your checking and savings account, get that changed right away. In some places I've seen people take out ads in the Personal ads in the paper that say, "I will not be responsible for any debts other than my own" and then the name of the person who has placed the ad. You should go to an attorney for a consultation about what you should do. It will be worth whatever it costs. In many states, the bills that a person runs up can become the responsibility of the spouse and you need to take whatever steps you can to protect yourself.

I'm thinking it's medication related. Either he needs a change of meds or he hasn't been taking it again. I have a friend who was married to a man who had diabetes. He would not take his meds and he wouldn't drink enough water and would let himself get dehydrated. During these times he would be really hateful to her. Several times she had to take him to the ER because he would collapse. He couldn't seem to hold a job. Sometimes he would stay in his pajamas all day. Finally she came home one day from work and found him dead. Diabetes left untreated can lead to blindness, kidney failure and loss of your lower extremities, among other things. You are looking at some grim times since he has diabetes medication compliance problems.

If he is abusive you really need to get out of the relationship. Is your disability such that you can apply for Disability Compensation? They tell me that most of the time they reject your application but if you keep appealing you will eventually get it. Do you have a Displaced Homemaker program available to you? Ask at your local YWCA or check with an attorney, or even call the Chamber of Commerce. If none of these places know, maybe they'd direct you to someone that did. I'd seriously look into getting myself in a position where I could afford to be divorced. As it stands now he knows he has you over a barrel and possibly feels like he can do whatever he wants. It sounds like getting him to pay maintenance would be like pulling teeth (no pun intended). Could you live with one of your sons? If you feel like you can trust the Pastor of your church, please make an appointment with him. He may be a wealth of information.

Linda, I will keep you in my prayers. Please do something to protect yourself. Do not give up until you have a solution to this situation.

I'd be looking for answers, first of all...like who that donation actually went to, and who solicited it. I'd also be working to see what needed to be done, if nessecary, to protect the household assets from his increasingly irresponsible behavior.

These are all musings that may be going through his mind that he is not sharing with you.

Will he hurt you by his actions? Definately. Does he mean to? NO! He can't even explain it to himself what he's going through. Male menopause is very real and serious. Some marriages do not survive it.

What can you do? Either hang in there and realize you are dealing with a force of nature, or get out. If his problem is not medical, eventually he'll wake up to what he's doing - but it could take years.

BTW, the more responsible the husband has been up to this point, the more he will rebel in male menopause.

I've seen this (and lived it) many times.

Good luck to you - you'll need it.

... is that called "women-opause"?

(Woe is me ... when some of the gals around here catch up to me!).

o j

... "brain - o - pause".

o j

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I hope you have seen an attorney and a doctor. If you own the house jointly, I would not put any more money into it. My ex was like that, and I ended up leaving him. You don't say how old you are, but you need to protect your finances. The older you get, the harder it is to start over, but it can be done. Starting over, personally, is better than waiting for the other shoe to drop - what other debts is he going to incur?

Good luck!