I agree with other posters who made the important distinction between a performance versus an activity. A school carnival is the equivalent of going to a movie or the mall, and even though the parent whose day it isn't would like to go, they are barging in on the other parent's time with the kid! That said...this is a "do as I say and not as I do" thing for our house, because even though my ex and I always divided things up like that, BM would have none of that, and we gave in. It is such a relief to have both SDs out of high school so there are fewer of those events where it was her, DH and me hanging around, sometimes all day, with the SDs, or even in events where the kids didn't really stay with the parents. And she wanted it that way on her time, too. She would always call DH to invite him to church events or things at her golf club, places we weren't even involved with. He would always say no; eventually she figured out that if she invited both of us, we were more likely to come. Which was true, but we really didn't want to do those things with her, where the three of us (or sometimes her DH too) had to socialize for long periods of time. The funny thing is, in desperation DH and I tried a tactic where I would go without him if it was something on our time and DH couldn't go. At first BM was mad (she chewed him out once in front of the girls) but then it seemed fine with her--DH called me her "new best friend." It was just so uncomfortable and I am so happy it is pretty much over. I feel like a newlywed.

I really dont feel like his homework load is that much. The longest part of his homework is the read for 30 minutes, and I usually try to let him have a break between the reading and doing the book response. I have been teaching him to write down important things while he is reading so that he remembers them when he is writing his book response. Which, like I said is answering a question like Did you identify with the main character or What did you like about the book or dislike?.... There is sometimes another worksheet or something and sometimes more over the weekend but then you have the whole weekend to work on it. And, while I dont necessarily think homework always helps... in his case I think homework is necessary because he doesnt pay attention in class or do classwork half the time so he really needs the opportunity to think for himself and make sure he knows the information given him. And yes, he is aware that his brother will be in the same grade as him if he fails and it upsets him when we talk about it and he doesnt want that to happen. And like I said, he gets really upset and down on himself when he gets bad grades but right up until he actually gets the bad grade ... it is like is doesnt phase him at all. It doesnt encourage him to work harder or even do all the work for that matter... And, coincidentally enough last night I came home to find out that he didnt do a summary he was supposed to do the night before and apparently the teacher let bm know and that he had spring break to get it done or it would be a zero. Last night we went from him arguing with dad that he didnt have to do it for two weeks... to he did it but he left it at his moms house... to just sitting there doing nothing until I said enough ... put it up go to bed you can start again tomorrow. So, he is at work with me today sitting at the other desk in my office with no distractions trying to get it done. He spent hours and hours reading a six page short story last night. I finally sat down and told him if he didnt make the choice to straighten up and start doing what he was supposed to be doing I would not be signing him up for football and that he was grounded for the rest of the day. I don't know maybe the threat of losing football will work since that is something he really really wants to do. I do like the line of "your teacher can't tell your smart by looking at you...." He has been in summer programs through the school in the past and he was in tutoring throughout this year. But, truthfully I did not want to put him into tutoring... they didnt really do that much that was actually helpful in tutoring and I think there is a line between making sure he succeeds and just overloading him and making him burnout. It is not that he doesnt know or understand the stuff (which is what I feel like tutoring is more for) he just doesnt do it. However bm pitched a fit about getting him into tutoring... and then didnt do anything about it so I called up the county and got the paper work and signed him up just to keep the peace. And the summer program was about the same. I did talk to DH last night and regardless I am going to get the homeschooling supplies for the fourth grade (they have some really great computer programs and he loves techy stuff and the computer) and this summer he is going to work with that. It will be like part of his chores get up get dressed clean your room do what ever other chore is yours for that day do an assignment on computer ... go play and do your thing. That way we know he at least has a back up to make sure that he is getting what he needs to get out of fourth grade. Other than that I am not sure what to do. I am not even sure that I should have thrown the football threat out there but last year he really made an effort knowing his grades had to be up to get into football... So, I am hoping something will click for him.

Personally, I think it was a mistake for your husband to call his ex. We've dealt with this for two years now, SD goes to her mom's and tells mom 'stuff' and mom calls dad up, yelling & ranting at him.. not 'discussing' as reasonable parents should. From your post, it sounds as if he didn't call when he was calm & reasonable, he was upset. She responded with anger or defensiveness, which is not going to resolve any conflict or resolve the problem he hopefully wants to resolve. (and my SD has also been sitting next to her mom when mom calls dad to yell at him and she'll be crying and begging mom to stop... then I'm sure she feels this is all her fault. Not a good position for a kid to be in.) Kids will play up the parts of a story they know mom or dad will react to and the truth is, there isn't much you can do about what mom did. Unless there is a bruise of other evidence of abuse, involving CPS on a one time incident is going to subject the child to further trauma... if it's an ongoing problem, then maybe intervention would be appropriate but it sounds to me like mom was stressed out and reaching out to dad for help by calling him. When she called to say she was going to hit him, what did dad say to her? Did he offer to take the child since she was obviously stressed out? I think one resolution would be to give mom help with reducing stress, which may be more time at dad's and maybe the parenting classes or counseling to help her deal with problems. I don't think it would help to call CPS or file to take her child away from her if she is otherwise a reasonable parent that just had a bad day. Last year, I was put in the position of being accused of hitting my SD. She wanted her mom's attention so she told her mom that I hit her all the time. Her mom called CPS on us claiming my 18 year old daughter grabbed SD by the arm, dislocating her arm. All of it was untrue, nobody has ever hit or grabbed SD in our home and CPS closed the case because it was an obvious lie, but the point is that it put my SD through additional turmoil of us having to take her to the doctor to be examined and she was pulled out of class at school to be interviewed... and all the time, she knew this was because she told her mom that I had hit her.. which was made worse for her because she knew it was a lie. I don't think she realized what a big deal it would become. and it's no picnic to be falsely accused of abusing a child!

You are absolutely not being silly. I would be fairly irate if I were you. It is ridiculous that you are supposed to act as "parent" if and when it suits BM and DH, but then all the sudden you are relegated to some form of unpaid babysitter? Of course you wouldn't force your religion on the child, of course your opinion could have been overruled, of course both bio-parents might have (privately) vehemently disagreed with your opinion - but the fact is that main caretaker of the child, good manners if nothing else would require a simple heads-up and "What is your opinion?" from your DH. I would expect the same if it were a grandmother, aunt or other relative who watched a child every day, as a matter of simple courtesy. There are actually some practical reasons for this as well - what if bio-parents decide child is going to be Jewish, Catholic or Muslim? All of them have some dietary restrictions (I realize that everyone does not choose to follow them). If DH and BM decided on behalf of SS that he was suddenly going to be very strictly religious and you were expected to prepare kosher food (with the separate meat and dairy or however that works), would that be fair to suddenly spring upon you and expect you to just cooperate? How would you be supposed to remind SS to pray five times a day to Mecca if you didn't know which direction it was in? What if you did have some strong objection to a particular religion for some reason - would it just be expected that you, as a primary caretaker of the child, just automatically comply with a decision that you vehemently disagreed with but about which you had not even been consulted? PO1 and others, I'm not sure I ever did update on our situation. DH can now unilaterally make a decision on SS's religion. In the mediation session he and BM came to an agreement, and DH now has sole legal custody. (As most of you know BM has never been involved in medical or educational decisions anyway.) One of the reasons that DH wanted sole legal is that BM has begun sporadically taking SS to a relative's church, said relative then providing a home-cooked meal after. DH is familiar with said church and is very much against it - it is fundamentalist of the worst and most hypocritical kind (i.e., these are the words of our God, which we shall pick parts of to condemn others and say that they are going to hell - the parts which apply to us we shall choose to ignore and dismiss as "outdated".) DH had been hoping to allow SS to make his own decision - of course he will still be able to later in life, but for right now DH must choose a religion for SS in order to pronounce that any other variations or religions are not compatible with SS's religious upbringing. Sigh. (DH did consult me however - he wants us all to go as a family, which I can understand).