My spouse is retired...
demaris
18 years ago
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holly_bc
18 years agojoyfulguy
18 years agoRelated Discussions
My spouse says he needs to go out without me
Comments (12)RE:robinwv - the thing is , he is ALWAYS gone. He works 5 day a week full time and 3 or more nights a week also, so sometimes it is days before we see each other besides in passing, or in bed asleep...so i am always alone at home with the baby going to all his medical appointments ( he is medically challenged ) and we rarely get to spend time together already. When he was always at home when we first got together, I was happy for him to go do stuff but he never would. That was pre-baby. Since baby and working full time + now, it's like some big puff of "I'm the man" jumped right into his chest and now he thinks he is the man and I am the "little wifey". He tries to get me to go out with girlfriends, but I really would rather just go out with him, because I think the same way that jenny_alabama feels...when you get into a relationship with someone involving a family and make a committment, that you should do things together, he had plenty of time to "sow his oats" without me, and yes, it is about the "without me" part lindakimy...I told him exactly that... I asked him how it would feel if I just came home and said, well, I am going to go out with a bunch of people and you aren't invited, but he says he would be happy if I did this, he wants me to go out. We cannot agree on the views we each have separately. I don't begrudge him for wanting to go out, I really don't, it's just BS that he is trying to force us to have separate friends, I feel like when you are a couple that you should have friends that can go out with both of you, not just one or the other. It seems to me as if he wants us to both act like we are single and like if I don't go out with him and his friends that he can keep things from me. Although I trust him, it seems shady to me that he is pushing so hard to do things separately but NEVER wants to go out as a couple. There is not one time that we have ever went out in 2 years without someone else along. I couldn't even get him to go out wiht me on Valentines day when i offered to pay, or on my birthday when I had to go out with 2 coworkers the 1st year we were together...we went and had pizza one night,at a little pizzaria restaurant, but our son was in the hospital and we were sick of hospital food and walked to the place. I guess I am just really confused why like I asked him, Why am I less important than people that you have known for such a short time. These guys he wants to go out with all work in club environments and would lie for him in a heartbeat. They seem to think that the "little woman" should be kept in her place. You can only imagine the fireworks that have flown through our household over time. We finally came to an agreement, only because I told him I am not going to sit at home while he is out all night and I am sitting here having more and more time to stew over the situation. I am not cool with it because I think if he were to have gone to dinner, gone ANYWHERE when we could have, it would have made a huge difference in how I felt about it now. He didn't even come back to the hospital the night our son was born like he had promised when I told him he could go "celebrate" with his "friends"...I didn't even get to hold our son because I was so upset about being left alone when he said he would be back that all I could do was kick in my post partum depression and couldn't eat, sleep, and cried for 3 days straight. I still haven't let it go, although I have forgiven him, I will never forget the disappointment and how his word can't be trusted. He has told me before when he went out that they were not going to a strip club, but lo and behold, where did he 20 minute me until he would get home for 3 hours. He has blown his trust with me, so it is hard for me to believe what he says. He is so vehement about me having a negative reaction to anyhting involving him and doing things he knows I would be upset about if he excludes me purposely. He agrees to something and then it just sucks for me when he breaks his word. Then I am just being a B. There are certain friends he has I would be cool with him hanging out with, but I have seen the others first hand cheat on their girls and I think the company you keep can influence you when you have been hanging out with them all the time. I wish I could put blind faith into him all the time, but I have been burned before, and also been on the flip side where I was married before and I was the one who always wanted to go out without my ex-husband, but we also went out together, and so did he. I guess I am just more upset because he is so adamant that he needs more time than the 16 hours a day he sometimes spends with these guys but can't spend a full 16 hours awake with me. If he is at home, he will sleep for 12 hours straight sometimes and I still don't even get to see him. But he professes to love me so much, I can even see it in his eyes. I guess he is just sending me mixed messages, because I love him as much as he says he loves me, but I am proud to take him everywhere with me. I am excited to spend time with him, and I just don't understand why I am such a noose around his neck when I tolerate where he works around naked women all day long, a nightclub all night long, where when one night I went to hang out with him for a friend of ours bday party there, that he "warned" me right before he left and I was going to come up after dropping the baby off at the sitter, that not to get jealous if women were hitting on him and flirting with him. Then to get there and a woman I was sitting beside at the bar proceeded to let me know how hot he was, etc. When I said yeah, I know, he's my baby's father. Then her story was, well, you should be glad, because no matter how much I hit on him he never takes me up on it. When I mentioned it to him after we got home, he says he never noticed he hitting on him. And he wonders why I doubt him. Go figure. I really do trust him, but as I told him, I do not think as long as works in this environment that he should be too upset about me questioning him or wanting to go along. And if he makes a big deal out of me going, that he shouldn't be surprised if I get a red flag warning going off inside my heart....See MoreMy spouse doesn't care much about me...that's okay because.......
Comments (86)It wasn't all that complicated Carla, so I'll list it here -- and I'm only suggesting it for someone married to a narcissist. 1. A narcissist will need to feel like he's won, so my best advice is don't even waste your time trying to "take him to the cleaners" or "make him pay," because to "win" in the traditional monetary sense, you would have to spend more time, money and emotional energy on lawyers than you could imagine. And since most narcissists are so good with their 'public faces,' you are unlikely to be able to convince the judge that they're awful unless you have aLOT of hard evidence. The differance between a "fair" and "you-win" settlement is not likely to be big enough money to change your life. So go for FAIR - not more. Go for half of the marital assets, your state's "standard" support arrangements, and a pleasant, quick, settlement. He will *need* to be able to walk away feeling like he's won. Remember that for you, walking away IS winning. 2. Since he will need to feel like he's won, find out what it is that will let him feel this way. Realize that it *might not* be anything you would even want. It'll probably be something visible - might be money, the house, the 'good' car, artwork, furnishings, even certain child custody provisions that preserve the appearance of him being a good dad. You'll need to know what he wants, and if it's something that's not particularly important to you, don't tip off your hand that you don't care about it. Again, it's not so much that he needs to win -- it's that he needs to be able to *feel* like he won. Let him "win" something visible, and make a loud and visible show of him winning-you losing. (You know how much he likes that.) 3. Deep down, most narcissists feel really lousy about themselves. At some level, they feel they are worthless frauds, and this is why they work so hard to buff up their public images. In my opinion, their greatest fear at this point in time is that you will somehow reveal to the world what a fake they really are. So don't do it! This will be very difficult because you will probably have years of pent-up anger at your abuser, and venting that anger is cathartic. But make a list, build a file, gather your evidence and ammunition -- anything that would embarass him to the world and invalidate the picture he tries to paint. (sexual performance issues are biggies, social embarassments, career slights) Then sit on it. Tell him that all you want is a FAIR settlement with no mudslinging public trial that allows you both to walk away with your DIGNITY, SELF-RESPECT and PRIVACY intact. Let him act like it's you who would be embarassed if all your secrets came tumbling out, because that's important to him. But realize that if you expose him to the world as a fraud (like the world cares!), you've blown your best weapon. That's my two cents --...See MoreDifferences with spouse on where to live following retirement
Comments (11)I think you might try figuring out what you want your retirement to look like. Do you want to live near the beach, in a big city, in the country, mountains, in an over 55 community? Do you want to play golf a few times a week, or do you prefer visiting museums, or going on hikes? Is living near family a must or are you happy to fly or drive to visit a few times a year? Are you living in a high cost area and can you afford it in retirement or would moving to a low cost state ease you financially? I think writing down what is important to you can help clarify things.....cost of living, climate, access to good healthcare, activities, etc. I think the only way I would follow my kids would be if they or grand kids had a disability or something and they needed extra help on an ongoing basis. Would you want to live in an area you dislike just to be near the kids or family? And, as stated, job transfers happen...are you going to follow them every time?.....moving is expensive, finding new doctors, etc... We have the opposite dilemma. We're not retired yet but will be in a few years( I will go before DH). It looks pretty sure that two of our three kids will stay in this area..they are happy in pretty secure jobs. Do we move AWAY from them to a lower cost area, better climate, etc? They get a little upset when we talk about leaving, but they are busy and we don't see them every week anyway. Plus, as we age, I don't want to burden them with having to take care of us when they will have their own families to worry about. It's a lot to consider. Maybe you and your husband should pick a place where there isn't family that you both like and travel to visit each side. That's a fair compromise since it sounds like you won't be happy living near your step kids and he won't be happy living near your family....See MoreMy friend lost her spouse very suddenly & I don't know how to help her
Comments (9)My husband passed and I immediately called my friends and asked for help. They picked me up the next day and went with me to make all arrangements having done the same themselves a few months before. I don't know how close you are. Does she have friends & family around who can help her get through the next week, going to the funeral home with her, making arrangements? Did she call you or did somebody else tell you about it? A friend lost an adult child last year. She called me so I knew that it was OK to step up to the plate. I immediately went to her house and made all the phone calls, checking prices and talking with her about it. She couldn't handle it alone. Is there somebody to do that for your friend? If she has somebody helping her with those things you can either ask that person, or just wait until after the service and visit and talk to her and her children. Next thing, buy her some healthy frozen dishes, preferably home made, for her freezer. Some Shepherd's pies or quiches for example. No matter what you do, I think the worst time is the months afterwards. When you offer to help make a suggestion -- drive the kids to their grandmother? Bring a dinner? I'm really tired myself tonight. I'll think about it....See Morejoyfulguy
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