I am not the judgmental type, and I really believe you never know the reasons for someone else's decisions until you walk in their shoes (if you ever even can). I also do not consider myself terribly naive. But I have wondered time and again why my BF's EX did what she did. By that I mean, have an affair, decide to leave her husband after getting a new mortgage and breastfeeding second daughter, ransack the house while BF was at work and leave a mess in front of her daughters, use BF's inheritance money to move them several states away, secretly remarry, and buy and subsequently have to sell several houses and have the kids change schools because she and new hubby did not plan their budget well. I have wondered to the point where it is unreasonable of me - some things do not and should not make sense. Her actions are, of course, more of a function of her personality and whatever she felt the situation was than the fact she is a bio-mom or whatever other role she may fall into. If someone has a history of displaying weak, selfish behavior, the same can be expected in the future. Even if she despised her husband, anyone who knows him could see what a devoted, capable and attentive father he is. It is really a shame to have moved so far away for the convenience of having built-in babysitters in the form of relatives. I am always shocked to hear when her plans for bringing them north every other month (per court order) inevitably "don't work out" that she tells them, "I don't know why you can't see your dad - ask him to explain." Whenever I enter into an agreement with someone, if I am compelled to leave it I do so with dignity and respect for all involved. The saddest thing was when his older daughter at the age of 8 said to us, "Mom said she left you so that she could finally be happy in life. But she still doesn't seem happy to me." Kids should not be burdened with worrying about these things. I am a child of divorce and I remember the pain well.

Dear lovehadley, I've never posted to this board before but I felt compelled to send a message to you. I'm an experienced stepmom of three. My stepkids have two different mothers. One BM is reasonable and helpful. The other is unstable and narcissistic. We have had to work very hard to keep this brood together - and I've learned a lot. I can tell you from experience that unless you set some boundaries and take control of your life, you are in for rocky ride that will definitely include an unwanted divorce. You are correct that most courts now favour 50/50. It's fashionable and it doesn't require anyone to make a real decision. However, it doesn't work for all children or all families. It won't work in your case. The BM is set on making trouble and the child is out of control. The current situation is bad. Moving to 50/50 would be better, but you'd still have an obsessive BM harassing you and a child in your house that you can't manage. Just imagine this child in 5 years, when he's almost as big as you are. Furthermore, your quality of life is just not good enough. You are very young, obviously articulate and you clearly have a compassionate nature. Yet your day to day life is all about your stepson and this crisis. You are going to wake up very soon and find that you're 40 years old and have wasted your young years fighting a battle that you can't win. You need to take control of your situation. It's not working and your fiance's proposed solutions aren't going to make life any better for you. He can fight for sole custody of this child, but he most likely will lose. Even if by some miracle he wins, the child will be opposed to it and he'll be unmanageable. Furthermore, the BM will get very liberal access which will be just the ticket she needs to harass you every minute of your life. It won't be much of a victory and it won't last long. I can pretty much guarantee that this child will end up living fulltime with the BM. Either he will demand it, or you will demand it, or you will leave and your fiance will have no choice but to relinquish custody. How you get to this place is up to you. You can continue to live in this nightmare until you walk out, or you and your fiance can figure out a reasonable schedule whereby this child can live with his mother, and spend ENJOYABLE, nonthreatening visits with you. Believe me, once the BM has this kid on her hands fulltime, she'll be VERY EXCITED about these access visits and she'll make sure that the child is as good as gold every minute. And, best of all, once she's dependant on you for the occasional break, her behaviour will improve dramatically. It's too bad that this child has a lousy mother and behavioural problems. But you can't solve this problem and ruining your life won't make it any better. All you can do is set boundaries for you own life, and then enforce them. It's tough, I know. But, trust me, it works and you will be much happier. The child will be happier too. It's bad to have an unstable mother. But it's much worse to be caught in the middle of a war and be swatted back and forth between two different worlds twice a week. Let your fiance read this email. Good luck.

rosemaryt, you have a tough situation and my heart goes out to you. Best wishes in a successful resolution to the problem. This is a very frustrating thread to read. People screaming for you to go commit a felony makes me just shake my head in disbelief. Laws vary from state to state so when you get "armchair lawyers", including myself, giving you advice, take it for ideas only since your situation will vary. A few things do come to mind though. First, the police are sympathetic and in fact, that's good for the public as a whole but doesn't help for this situation. Now you need a "hot dog" cop, but the problem is to find one. There are other options though, again however it varies in different jurisdictions. One is a "citizen complaint", "criminal complaint" or citizen's arrest. You need guidance to do this properly and if appropriate but seems to me that it could in this case. I'd doubt very highly you'd get him committed for evaluation with the adverse positions of the doctor and social worker. However if he is truly senile, and it's documented, then a guardianship is a definite possibility. But an involuntary guardianship is not easy, and rightly so. But you might be able to propose a temporary guardianship, a conservatorship or something to get a start. This won't be quick most likely, but is an option to consider. In MN, starting a guardianship proceeding would be more likely to get an eval ordered. Again, your state will vary. I hope you're paying no attention to the fools who suggest that you will be financially responsible for his actions. Good grief where do people get these ideas? That's stupid, plain and simple. C'mon folks, she needs help, support and ideas, not ridiculous ramblings. I suppose someone will running offended and I'll get a friendly reminder but so be it. It needed to be said. Likewise that you'll force a cop to do something, that you can sue the cops if something happens down the road and well, it's a highly emotional situation and obviously many people aren't thinking clearly. People watch too much "Boston Legal" or something and want to threaten to sue for anything thinking that people will cringe and fold. It may work with someone who doesn't know better, but threatening people that know better doesn't do anything more than make the person making the threat look like a complete idiot. Don't get caught up in that. It won't work. Also, I agree you should keep the insurance on the vehicle. I'd even go so far as to make sure the vehicles are, in fact insured. You insure the vehicle primarily so if in fact he has no valid license likely won't affect the insurance at least until he gets into an accident or ticket, at which time the company likely would cancel the coverage. Newspapers, TV, radio, media as a whole... well, this isn't a huge story in news terms but someone might be interested. But I think I'd pursue it with low expectations. Disabling the car hasn't worked. So you need a different plan of attack. Take a deep breath and try to relax. I know it's easier said than done though. Obviously you can't be following him around all over, first because you don't have the time and secondly you could be guilty of stalking if he is angry enough to push it, which he may well be. But a private security firm or private investigator is able to, but of course that will cost something. They can gather evidence, video his operation and even be able to make a complaint, though I'm not sure that many would want to get that involved. I could contact my former PI firm and see if they have any suggestions but since the laws vary, I think you'd be better off to seek some guidance locally. Most good places won't charge you to talk to you about the case and give you some ideas. Again, my best to you and yours. If I think of anything else I'll post again. I know what a tough situation it is. And my experience wasn't quite as drastic as yours, though my dad should have quit driving 20 years earlier. But that's a whole different story.

Destined....thanks for your last couple of posts. By "plenty of money", do you mean she has enough resources to be able to live comfortably in an independent or assisted living facility? It is good that she is able to hire a cleaning person and someone to take care of her yard. I am not near her age yet (73), but am looking into places that I (and not my kids) would like to live when the time comes that I need help. So far, I am able to take care of myself, but I NEVER want to burden my children, except in an emergency. Two years ago, I built a new home....fully handicapped accessible, hoping with all new things, I will be able to stay here for many more years. Some days, I think it might be nice to live in an assisted living facility....someone to cook my meals, people to visit with, clean my house, and a bus to take me to outings...and with all the taxes, insurance, utilities, food, etc., it would not be much more than owning this house. I am a very social person and it does get very lonely at times since my DH passed away, but I realize the kids have their own lives and do not visit as often as I would like......but that is life! Is there a reason why you can not get your groceries when your mom gets hers? Take a book or magazine when you take her to her hair dresser...but cherish time you are able to spend with her while you have her...you will never be sorry. My mother had ALZ...and for many, many years, her mind was gone...oh my, talk about hard! We finally had to put her in a NH after she had some bad strokes and was more than we children could handle...so I know the heartache of being a caregiver also. Blessings to you....hang in there...and this too shall pass.