Good advice

Hi Doug, I think that you are more courageous than I. Better start taking lessons now ... ... in how to cope with a teen when you are aged almost 80. I'm there now ... and glad that I don't have a teen to cope with daily. I think that one of my major tasks as a parent is to help my child prepare for independence. I grew up on a fairly large farm during World War II ... when the farmhands had all gone to war shortly after it started in 1939, when I was 10. I had lots of responsibilities, and increasing ones, to deal with from a rather young age. I'm of the opinion that if a child grows up knowing that as s/he shows him/herself able to cope reasonably well with responsibilities formerly given, that s/he knows that more will be granted, that much of the teen-age rebellion that troubles many might be, if not avoided, at least mitigated somewhat. Good wishes for a flourishing life. ole joyful

our garage is BIG ENOUGH to maneuver around in a walker with the car door open, etc. That's one of the reasons to go with the larger single door - because if you downside to one car, you can drive it in the middle. Good points. My grandmother had a two-car garage with one door, and it was so easy for me to back in (so the passenger side'd be near the house door), open the door for her, and bring her walker around to her. Our plan for ourselves is that we'll go into retirement with the two cars we already have ... and we'll judge whether we need to continue with two. At some point we'll drop one car -- likely when he experiences some medical problems -- and then we can park my car in the dead center, if needed. Of course, all this is predicated on there being someone to care for someone with such limited mobility! Will it be a family member who is willing to do so and enough younger to be ABLE? A spouse of the same age is often not able. Having round the clock caregivers so one can stay at home is a true luxury. A retirement home in assisted living - even skilled nursing is less expensive, even if harder to accept. I'm 100% sure that a retirement home is more expensive than aging-in-place. Of course, any of us could reach the point that a nursing home is necessary, but why not postpone that date as long as possible. You raise a fair point about having a caregiver. I have several thoughts on this issue: - My RN daughter worked "home health" at times during college, and my grandmother had "home health" at times. A whole lot of people don't need (or don't yet need) round-the-clock care, and help a few hours a week can allow them to stay in their own homes. Every time the home health aid comes, the visit begins with a check of vitals, and it's good to have someone check in on you frequently. Some insurance covers this, and if you pay out of pocket, it's still less expensive than a retirement home. A home health care provider comes in for a couple hours several times a week. The #1 thing my daughter did was help people with personal hygiene. She also did light housekeeping (i.e., change the sheets and throw the dirty ones into the washer), did prep work for meals so the elderly person had an easy meal to cook, and sometimes even drove them on errands. She worked frequently for an elderly brother-sister who lived together, and they had the system figured out: The sister's home health worker came several times a week, always in the morning. She'd help the sister with her bath and help prep a few meals. Then my daughter came in the evening for the brother. She'd help the brother with whatever he needed, then prep a few more meals. Smart people. - My husband and I are building a master bedroom downstairs for ourselves ... and another upstairs. Our plan is that this second master would allow one of our children (or a future grandchild) to live upstairs, allowing for a bit of separation /privacy. If this doesn't work out for one of our children, it'd be possible to find a college student or a lady trying to get back on her feet after a divorce who'd like a free place to live in exchange for "being there" in the evenings and helping with cleaning and driving for an elderly person. Or such a place could be a good option for a paid caregiver. - My own grandmother was able to cook her own breakfast, and Meals on Wheels brought her lunch 5 days a week ... and since she ate so little, that meal was usually enough for dinner too. She was fortunate enough to have 2 children and 4 grandchildren in the local area, and she went out to lunch or dinner (then shopping or whatever else she needed) with someone about three times a week. - I mentioned Meals on Wheels. Many communities have nice programs for the elderly that include transportation and more. And now we have Ubers, giving us more access to transportation than previous generations. - In our case, my husband's the fortunate one! I'm younger and in better health, so realistically I'll be his caregiver ... but I don't think I'll be in terrible shape later on. but my mom's age-related spinal compressions and scoliosis make her already low vanity height ideal. Yeah, I started out short, so the ideas about higher vanities don't appeal to me at all! You must allow space around the toilet for bars, the possibility of installing arms beside the toilet, room for a walker to maneuver, and possibly our my a caregiver to assist. I really think this is one of the things that people most often do wrong in custom houses: My grandmother had great trouble using public bathroom stalls -- even the larger handicapped stalls -- yet so many people shove their toilets into closets. My grandmother opted to wear Depends and skip drinks when she went out so she could avoid those toilets. Yet she had no trouble using her home toilet, which had space around it as you describe /grab bars. Be sure hallways will allow a gurney to make corners if necessary. I say include a door from your bedroom straight to the outside. The ambulance guys can come through your back yard and take you straight out, no corners necessary. This kills two birds with one stone: My daughter mentioned that every elderly person for whom she provided "home health" enjoyed a place where he or she could sit and look outside. My daughter worked with one woman who lived in horrible housing, and lacking a better spot, the woman sat in the front doorway and looked outside ... blocking everyone's exit. I plan to hire on a maid to come by once every other week That's a great plan, and you can add on more time if you need it in the future. so we can install grab bars in all the bathrooms and showers when needed. Whether it's in 1 year or 60, they'll be taking me out of this house feet first Yeah, my plan is to use ALL grab bars, no towel bars. They make attractive grab bars that don't look industrial. The only negative is that they cost more, but I'd rather go ahead and do it up front rather than need them and have to scurry.

Yes Nekotish, my Dad does that too, always claims he can do "amazing feats of strength and endurance." Things that no sane person would even feel the need to do, convoluted extra work things are his specialty. Then he gets exhausted and cranky. All this for no logical reason. He cannot enjoy life, he has to find something to rail against. He's always saying he can find someone better to do something, someone else will help him, he can do it himself, he doesn't like this helpful aide, he knows a better one, etc. Whenever anyone is trying to help him, he's always claiming he doesn't need help and can do it better himself. Then cries that no one wants to help him. He's a hot mess for sure . . . I get his anger and frustration, but much of it is due to him focusing always on what he doesn't have, what he's dissatisfied with. He still has friends around, can still walk, see, think and although he has some elimination and hearing challenges, he can manage those if he puts his mind to it. My husband and I would help him in any way he wants but he never asks, I ask him what he needs, make suggestions for what we could do to help, but he rejects it all. He tells people they need to do this or that, but then is always dissatisfied with what they do, and tells them, at which point they say, "Hey I tried, you rejected it so I have to move on." Case in point, he stands over my carpenter husband when he is working on a project for him and tells him he is doing it wrong. Gets mad when hubs ignores him or says he knows what he is doing, then Dad gets pushy and nasty. Now claims husband is a hack and ruins all his projects (nothing could be farther from the truth) and wants nothing to do with him. Then he claims we are too lazy and self absorbed to help him. Instead of realizing how lucky he is compared to most his age, he wants to go back to being superman so is always depressed. No amount of resources is ever enough for him. Yes, emotional vampire is the right description. I try to just do easy stuff that I can do without extra effort, but even then, I have to endure the constant barrage of negativity.