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moving away from adult children

Posted by okokok (My Page) on
Sat, Jan 21, 12 at 23:14

we've finally decided to make a 600 mile move back to where we grew up
our adult children and grandchildren are going to be here,
i'm having a difficult time not being depressed about the situation
i look forward to our new home and our brothers and sisters, but i'd still like to be a part of their lives

have you moved away from your children and if so how did you cope


Follow-Up Postings:

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RE: moving away from adult children

It's a wide-open question. Some people are far more independent of the parents/chiildren and they do quite well. If you are used to seeing your kids and grandkids often and having a social life with them, then re-think your plans.

One thing to keep in mind----- when you are a lot older, or have health problems, and your siblings are gone or have problems, too, then what will you do? I can't tell you how many families have problems coping with that issue. So what are your plans should you have problems? Can you move back to be close to your children? Because that is what happens in the long run for most families.

Just some points to consider.


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RE: moving away from adult children

We are retired and are moving close to our adult children. Our brothers and sisters are also near retirement age and would be unable to help us with anything major. I want to be near my grandchildren. I am tired of missing them and we also need to downsize, so the time is right for us.


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RE: moving away from adult children

OK, look back at what you wrote... "we've finally decided to make a 600 mile move". That sounds like a done deal. Is it? Or can you think it over longer and look at this other side of the move, the leaving side of the equation? It could be a form of buyer's remorse, and you did do due diligence in making your decision, and this is the hard part. Or it could be that your decision was too hasty and needs more consideration.


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RE: moving away from adult children

not a quick decision
dh has always wanted to move back, i, on the other hand am not so excited about going, but i don't feel so strongly that i would refuse to go


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RE: moving away from adult children

I understand. It's never easy. My son and his family are all the way across country from us, and we only see them once a year if we are lucky.


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RE: moving away from adult children

As families move and scatter it's not easy to decide where to live. There's no right answer. But nostalgia may be skewing your decision and it's not the same when you move back to where you grew up. There's not the close-knit communities of yesteryear. People, demographics and the things off which your memories are based have changed.

Do you have the ability to travel back to see your children (economically & physically?) Are you keeping your home in your current location in the event you don't like the move? Do you have a place to say if you travel back to see your kids or can you afford a hotel? Do you have medical needs that one location offers better facilities over the other? Are your children dependent upon you for help with childcare or are you dependent upon them for certain things? Lots of questions only you can answer. How is your ability to drive? Is there public transportation in the event that changes? Are there social outlets or activities available to help you get incorporated back into your old community?

We've got a daughter 1400 miles east, a son 1600 miles west and one close by. Siblings are scattered 100-1400 miles away. We see them about once a year maybe. Since my parents are still living we try to gather everyone together once a year for their benefit; however that's getting increasingly difficult. Technology helps bridge the gap.

About the time you decide to move or stay, one of your children could decide to move. Good luck with your decision; it's not easy.


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RE: moving away from adult children

Sometimes, despite the "up in the air" feeling (and the need to store one's furnishings and chattels) ... it's helpful if one can spend about a year or so as a renter in the place where one plans to live, to get a taste of what life is really like, there - these days.

That advice I've heard offered to some folks who, on retirement, considered moving to a place that they'd experienced only while on vacation, but it seems to me to be worthwhile in a circumstance such as yours, as well.

Did you ever live in that place, or was it only your husband, i.e. he has roots there, but you don't?

ole joyful


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RE: moving away from adult children

my only advice is to make sure you are near an airport or one that has direct flights to where you want to go. I fyou have to drive 90 miles to one or if you have a local one and have to make connecting flights it can create quite a problem


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RE: moving away from adult children

we lived there we each have brothers and sisters there

only our children and grandchildren live here


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RE: moving away from adult children

Wow, that's a tough decision, then. Equally good reasons for leaving vs staying.

The most important factor in our lives, especially as we age, is the social factor. And that only you and your DH can decide upon.

You could only be depressed if you are not fully committed to this move. It sounds like he is, you aren't.

There are indeed real dangers in committing solely to your children/grandchildren. I have a close immediate family, but my nephew just announced he will have to transfer across country in May 2012. With him goes his wife, two kids, and it looks like my sister (his mom) is thinking of uprooting her life to follow them.

Our family unit has been stable for the past twenty years. Suddenly we're losing half of them! We're already planning to invest in the new TV-teleconference service that Skype has just introduced.

I sympathize that your DH wants to move closer to family. Is this a better social situation for both of you? Even as the family members age, you'll certainly have more of an 'entree' into the community than if you moved somewhere completely new, for example.

Do think seriously about the issues of travel as you age. It really becomes more tiring and more burdensome - not just big travel, such as seeing out-of-town relatives, but also the smaller stuff: hospitals, doctors, drug stores, groceries. No matter where you live, this is an issue we all have to face, and a lot of seniors ignore it until too late.

You do not want to put yourself in a situation where if one of you is disabled, the other is left stranded and unable to get to necessary places.


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RE: moving away from adult children

I would "never" move away from my children and grandchildren.


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RE: moving away from adult children

But Susie 53, they may move away from YOU.


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RE: moving away from adult children

Each of my three daughters moved out when they went off to college. They now have families and careers, with two who are 800 miles away and one who lives in Canada. I raised them to be independent -- and they are -- and I've always seen moving out and moving away as part of living and growing. They're adults, they don't "need" me, and that's how I think it should be. I love my kids, but I don't need to be a daily part of their lives and they don't need me around in theirs all the time. We stay in touch by phone, email, and Skype, and we visit several times a year. I understand how you might be apprehensive if you have always been in close proximity to your children. However, I can tell you that Skype has changed the world. If you don't already use it, you need to start. I talk with my chilren and grandchildren probably once a week on Skype, and, for them, the interaction is almost the same as if I were in the same room.


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RE: moving away from adult children

We have never lived close to our own parents ever since we left for colleges; we also have never expected our children to live nearby. With dual-career, it is hard enough for a couple to decide where to live, adding parents', children's careers and families into the equation is unrealistic to say the least.

It has been our aspiration to raise our children to be a "citizen of the world". We provided them with the best education that we could afford. We encourage them to learn multiple languages, explore different cultures, ideologies, studies and live in foreign countries. We expect all of us (yes, including ourselves) to be an open-minded, independent thinker, to be self sufficient physically, emotionally, and financially.

Over the years, each of us has moved around domestically and internationally. We use emails, telephone calls to keep in touch. We meet for holidays, special occasions whenever we can. We also plan vacation at one destination, and everyone travels there from one's home base. We meet at the airport if we could arrange a stop on the way to other cities. Among all of us, we share pictures, experiences and lesson learned that greatly enrich all of our lives.

So far, it seems it has been working. In spite of geographical distance, we are very close; we know that we can always count on one another.


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RE: moving away from adult children

600 miles may not seem so far, now ... but as you age, long auto trips may become something of a burden ... though my Dad would drive upwards of 2,000 mi. in 3 days, alone, to visit relatives and old friends, when he was 85.

I've sometimes said that if one has a phone on the wall, but none stting loose on a coffee table, etc., one doesn't notice that or consider it a problem while one is mobile.

But - if one who lives alone should fall and break a hip ... or the hip lets go, resulting in one's falling, and one is stuck to the floor ...

... a phone on the wall might as well be on another planet, while if one can crawl to an end table and pull on the phone line, it can be a lifesaver.

I think that moving a long distance from some with whom one wishes to keep in contact may have some similar characteristics: O.K. as long as one doesn't find travel a major burden.

ole joyful


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