moving away from adult children
zippity1
12 years ago
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sushipup1
12 years agoLeslieP
12 years agoRelated Discussions
Ungrateful Adult Children
Comments (2)Dear ellasmomma, I am so sorry that you are going through this heartbreaking experience with your daughter. Is she your only child? I am also writing a book right now about my youngest child, a daughter, who is a drug addict and has been back and forth from the streets to our house. She almost died in the fall of 2011 from septicemia and now has Hep C with an enlarged liver, Lupus, damaged heart, damaged veins, damaged lungs. The bacteria went through her body like a speeding train. She is lucky it didn't go to her brain or she would have died. God spared her for a reason, yet this past Mothers Day, she suddendly left again after 9 1/2 months of sobriety. Gone. We don't know where she is. Stoled money from her grandmother, $688 from various ATM machines before we discovered what was happening, and haven't seen her since. She suffers from depression, severe anxiety and bipolar disorder. No excuse I guess, but it doesn't help. She has two precious daughters that are in the custody of her ex husband and his parents that we are not permitted to see and haven't seen in 2 years. If not for my husband and I, those little girls might be dead now. Both my daughter and son in law were IV drug users and drug sellers. They had people in and out of their house constantly. They had people living there, felons. They had guns in the house, syringes laying around. My daughter shot up Oxycodone during her pregnancy and when the baby was 2 months old, I had enough. The husband's parents are rich and supplied them with the drug money, the house, their truck and the utilities. Their son was on probation, so I called the probation officer and had him arrested and the children removed. Somehow his mother and father got temporary custody. My daughter was thrilled because she was mad at me. Until she realized how tightly they had their hands on her girls. Now it's not so funny. Her now ex husband lives with is mommy and daddy, all his bills are paid, the girls are taken care of and that part is great, but they do not let my daughter see the girls but once in a great while. Even when she was sober. And they didn't let her see them on Mothers Day. We believe that was the trigger. But, she is also nasty to me and her dad. Ungrateful for all that we have done for her. The several times she lived with us over the last 2 years, she was very disrespectful. She spent 3 months in the hospital, and was very demanding when she started getting better. Her dad visited her every day, but I got tired of it. I got tired of her sarcastic and arrogant attitude. Bottom line: She is angry at me still for calling the probation officer that caused her daughters being taken away from her. She is holding a grudge. So, now that she is gone again just like before she doesn't call us and let us know if she is ok. And in the last 2 years, we have never heard her say thank you for all we did for her. Just comments about how nice it was to have a bed to sleep in as opposed to sleeping on a bench. Our son? Told us that he doesn't want to hang around us, that the only "stable person in the family is him". So we can only go to his house to visit on the other side of the state when he invites us. He is married and we have a grandson. He just got out of the Navy, has a great job and goes to college. His wife is very educated also. Very sweet girl. I have no idea what she must think. We are terribly hurt. This just started. And our oldest daughter with the masters degree? She just got back from the Peace Corp in Africa. Oh, when she needed all the stuff sent to her, including money, we sent it. When she got back, she stayed with her grandmother instead of us because she said she was going to be too busy preparing resumes and sending them out to be visiting with us. So, we hardly saw her! Then, she left for the Appalachian Trail with a good friend for a 6 month hike. Oh, she was able to stay in touch with friends and job prospects and her boyfriend in New Zealand via Skype while on the trail, but she never called or skyped us! Then, she got back, stayed about two weeks, met up with her boyfriend, was very aloof with me so I had a talk with her. It ended up in an arguement at which she cried so I shut up. She left in June of last year for Seattle where she got her new job and now lives and she has called us twice since then. She has called us twice. I got a Mothers Day card that simply said "I hope you have the Mothers Day you deserve". Hallmark card at least. I don't know how to interpret that. My son sent me a card, but you can bet his wife sent it. My husband didn't get a Fathers Day card from our son and the card he got from our daughter was a silly one, not her usual type. They used to call us. They don't anymore. So here is the point to my long story, ellasmomma. I have cried so many tears in the last 3 years I can't tell you. I haven't spent the amount of money you have, but I can tell you that the horror stories are about the same when it comes to the youngest daughter. Suffice to say, all we can do is pray to God for peace in OUR hearts first. Pray that He removes the anger, the anxiety, the worry, the frustration, the loss, the grief ,,,,,all those feelings that a mother feels in a situation like this. And believe me, I know how you feel. Its like someone reached down in your chest and ripped your heart right out while it was still beating. How could the child you gave life to treat you like this, right? Well, there is no way to know that answer. So, find peace in yourself first. However you do that. If you know God, then I suggest you pray. If God is not your higher being, then find the peace in the way you know how. Then, hand the situation over to God. Just give it to Him. He says we are to cast our cares to Him. He wants our cares! We are to trust Him! You can fall back with your eyes closed and He will catch you. So give your daughter over to Him. Then, you will have to do the hardest part ever. Pray for your son in law to be. Pray for blessings on them both. Pray for blessings on their family and pray for all three of them every day. You can't change them. You can only change you. So pray for YOUR peace first, then pray for them. Once you have given that family and yourself over to the higher power, you will be amazed at the changes in your life. But, you have to stay true and obedient to your prayers and try not to get frustrated and angry and caught up in the drama. If your daughter calls with drama, put it back on her. Don't accept it. She is an adult. She has made her decisions. If you want to go to the wedding, go. If you don't, then don't. Do what your heart tells you is best. But do not accept any negative drama into your life. You don't deserve it. Remember, you cannot change her, only YOU. I will be praying for you also. God bless you. And, peace be with you, ellasmomma....See Moremothers estranged from their adult children
Comments (2)ms500 - I hate to hear you are having such a hard time. I too am divorced - my ex wanted to devote 24-7 to building his own business and didn't want the responsibilities of a family to hold him down. This after almost 17 years of living our life around that business which included losing almost everything, including our home. It always came first and so I shouldn't have been surprised when he said he wanted out. I look back now and realize what a doormat I had become and now that my oldest son had tossed me aside, I don't know why I am surprised. He learned from his dad to put everything above family and if family gets in the way just walk away. I asked my counselor why, what I did - provide a loving and supportive home, be the nurturer and the disciplinarian, and not leave, did not influence him as much as what his dad did. His answer was - my son knows where his rock is when he needed someone. He knew who he could rely and he has no reason to believe you will not always be there. On the other hand - he doesn't have that with his dad and therefore will not push him or take him for granted because he doesn't trust him as much. I still remember people telling me that the payoff for raising kids came when they were older and understand what it is to be a parent. So yes I feel cheated in more ways than one. My ex who wanted more than his family is the one that gets to enjoy his family. What is fair about that. Yet I believe that in time you reap what you sow. I know what I have sown and what I am experienceing now is not my reward. I believe the same for you. For some reason they seem to be in denial of the neglect and abuse you took on their behalf because of their dad. Have faith and hope that in time you will be rewarded for your effort. I can say "that" even though I have never even met my only grandchild - because I believe someone greater than me is in control. Good luck and best wishes....See Moredealing with adult children and step children
Comments (9)I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance......See MoreAdult stepdaughter pushing my kids away
Comments (3)CM, You and your husband need family Counselling in a big way. You and your husband have not set any boundaries with SD, and she is taking advantage of that. As a result, your family is in Codependent Chaos. I wouldn't want to live there either. A counsellor can help you know why you and your husband do not Believe you are worthy of respect and why you are willing to be doormats For a disrespectful SD and why you are willing to become more and more estranged from your kids. Why are you rewarding bad behavior? Why can't you set boundaries? Why are you willing to be treated with disrespect ? Would you allow SD to be disrespectful to a teacher or minister? Why do you put up with it for yourselves ? Are you afraid to let go of her? This will take some hard work. Good luck....See Moresushipup1
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