There's nothing quite as cool-looking(temperaturewise) as BLUE flowers. I grew Phacelia a few years ago, best blue i ever saw, next to cornflowers. The bell-shaped blue flowers with icy-white anthers were beautiful, and stirred up images of cooler weather. They do have a short bloom time, hot weather just about stops the show, cutting back helps somewhat. Give 'em a try, i believe there are 2 or 3 varieties. Good luck, and enjoy.

I suppose the silver lining in all of this is that I am a writer, and all this heartache will feed my craft. I talked with her the other day, and told her she can't live half in and half out. If she wants to make things work with me, I have conditions. One of which is obviously therapy with a trusted family counselor, the others aren't important at this point, they are all very manageable and less than the average person would probably want. I told her I am looking at behavior and action, not words and apologies. She is taking the weekend to really dig deep and decide if she has the inner strength to deal with her issues or not. I have been very calm and surprisingly at peace this last week. I am very confident of the man I am, and proud of the strength and grace I found in myself. I know that however this turns out, it will not change me as a person, and I can still lead a happy life. I can't say the same is true for her. If she comes to me next week with true effort for redemption, I will allow her back. With counseling and honest introspection I do believe she can become the person that embodies the good and conquers her demons. But if she strays, if I feel her efforts are insincere, I will walk. I will file for divorce and let her go, because as all of you have said, I cannot fix her, and I refuse to stand in this alone. I feel strong and committed, that I could follow either path unflinching. It is her watershed moment, she will never have a better opportunity for love, commitment and happiness. It is her moment to seize though, not mine. I know who I am. Without her, I am still the loving, kind, dedicated individual I always was, I just won't be a husband. Thank you all for caring enough to reply. The support is very much appreciated. Real life friends have rallied to me as well, in numbers I didn't even realize I had. I know these people see value in me, and can respect my actions. I never took action I regret, and that gives me peace. I am, and shall remain, me.

I feel badly reading your email. It's not a good feeling when you so need help and the person you love doesn't recognize it and react. There are probably parts of you that resent your husband right now that he's not reacting to the situation, that he's not stepping up to the plate, especially since you know he is capable of doing so. I am sure that's frustrating and hurtful - and hard to get past. I am a person that has trouble asking for help and when I do, I expect the person to react. The resentment I feel just having to ask, I can't quite explain. Admittedly for me, I expect my husband to be a mind reader. But the reality is, I know another person can't be that "gifted" but in my mind, I know I have felt this way. Some times guys just don't get it. And they literally need it spelt out for them, which sometimes in my mind X's out the good that they do b/c I had to ASK for it. I agree whole heartedly with that advice on communication. As hard as it is to admit when you need some help ... and as hard as it is to say the you are hurting - you need to do it. BUT how you do it is key. In a screaming argument, isn't the best of times for someone to really listen to you (I know from experience). But I think with your situation, some actions might need to take place before a real conversation can happen where there is a positive connection for both of you. Now, having said all of the above, I hope you realize that I do understand where you are coming from. However, I'm in a different boat (feeling more and more like I'm on my own island as I can't find ANYONE out there feeling the same feelings I do) ... my situation is opposite. My husband is very helpful and doing all the right things on a daily basis with helping around the house. This is our first. We haven't been intimate since I told him we were pregnant. As much as I love him ... it hurts a lot not having that connection. It just doesn't "feel right" ... it really makes me sad. I'm sure there are a bazillion reasons why we don't -- tired, working too much, etc. But I feel myself making comments, not nice ones, and part of it I can't explain. I do get mad at myself and try to figure out where this "mean streak" comes from b/c I'm really not a mean person by nature. It's like this underlying frustration I feel ... I hate it. I hate the lack of connection ... and I hate how I react to that. Even when my husband does something nice for me, at some point I'm making a comment about something, critizing him. He's left feeling hurt, I'm sure and frustrated and definitely not wanting to be intimate with someone like that. And I'm left feeling frustrated and feeling terrible about myself for reacting that way. Sex truly is a big piece of a relationship. Sometimes it's used in horrible ways, keeping it from someone as leverage ... I don't believe that's the case with me. But it does feel like I'm being punished, though I know he doesn't mean it. I've talked to him about it -- I remind him how long it's been. I'll even mention that I'm in the mood ... or call him at work and try to say something flirty. We come home from work and nothing ... sometimes I think it's because I'm not the best wife, i.e. my picky comments and I admit I'm not the best housewife. I could be better organized ... I'm definitely not one of those girls that does the cooking every night (he mainly does but sometimes we share) and I don't go ironing his shirts for work. That's not how our relationship has been. I work two jobs so I'm gone more hours during the week than he is. I guess I'm trying to get you to see the perspective on the other side. I guarantee if your husband knew how much he was hurting you, he'd hate it. I know I do. I may not say that to my husband, but I do hate when I'm mean. though I like the idea of going away for a weekend with marriage counseling, that might be tough depending on your guy. If he's up for that, you have a HUGE bonus as not many are open to that. If he'd be willing to do that then absolutely go for that. If that would be too much, I think you should clear an afternoon and evening. If someone could take your 4 year old for an overnight that would be perfect. Plan something that you used to do before any children - whether it's a restaurant you used to go to or whatever ... something that brings that connection back to when you first got together. The key here is to communicate what you are planning, meaning say to your husband, "I am planning something special for next week" For the dinner or activity, just enjoy each other. Avoid talking about work, bills, household stuff ... put yourself in a good frame of mind, i.e. focus on fun things - focus on things you used to do -- things you used to find fun together -- then, this one might be hard but focus on 3 things that you love about your husband (again keeping out the negative, they do have a way of creeping in). Bring up these good times, reminisce about them together. Then slip in, "oh I love how you did this or that" .... thinking if you're anything like me, that's going to be hard but force yourself to do it at least 3 times. BUT catch is, you CAN NOT follow it up with, but you don't do that anymore, or why don't you do that anymore (again, something I've learned/still do and it's counterproductive). Be the first to reach your hand out to his. I know, it might be hard especially since how you have been feeling. BUT this is a reminiscing night, you're focusing on the ONLY POSITIVE things in the past that brought you together, and the things you love about him. I'm pretty confident you can focus on 3 things to get yourself to reach your hand out and grab his. I'm not sure your reasons for not being able to have sex. If it's a health thing that you can't then of course, that is off limits. BUT if it's uncomfortable, possibly there is something else you could try, i.e. another position or "other"things to try. I think the key here for you to communicate that it feels uncomfortable BUT that you think having a physical connection is important and you are willing to be "creative" if he is willing to be patient ... let him know that you can't guarantee anything but that you'd like to try. I'm hopeful that after an evening of connecting with your husband at a basic level that you will get some "feel good" feelings and genuinely want that physical connection yourself. Again, hard part -- keep your mind focused on positive, no matter what. Reality is, you don't want a divorce ... you don't want to lose your husband when you have two children with him. You want the husband you had earlier. I believe you can get there ... but it'll take effort on your part. Relationship are all about the give and take ... right now, it might feel like you are giving a lot by doing something like this. But put that aside, because if it works, the feelings you'll receive in return will far outweigh the effort you put in. best of luck to you ....

There is an HR. And several women talk about going to HR on a regular basis, but mostly how they are treated by two women higher up in seniority (and perhaps rank to some extent). There were three women at the top seniority wise, the current department head and two others who had been department head at one time. (it is supposed to rotate between people). Two of the women have hated each other for 20+ years and the third woman has always really been the puppet of one of them. One of the really negative angry ones in the 20 year standoff finally retired, and currently the other is on sabbatical. But the current department head (3rd person) feels a bit vulnerable I think because the one who just steamrollered over everything is on sabbatical. Honestly I feel as a male, I kind of get through all of this unscathed because I don't get involved in the interpersonal dramas. But there are a couple bullies at the top, to some extent, it's clear who they like and don't like; it's clear which students they like and don't like--it's just not very professional. But really... I can't imagine going to HR over this in my case. What am I supposed to say? "They give me repeated, unsolicited advice about my haircut, my facial hair, my weight and some of my clothing". I just don't know what good it would do. Believe it or not I have a relatively good working relationship with everybody there and a somewhat friendly work relationship with some of them. I felt one great relief when the one angry woman retired and another great relief when the other went on sabbatical. And yet, they were really two of the people who never said anything like the above to me. They were professional in that respect. They were just difficult to work with because they were always right, always the best at everything and uniformly condescending to the students. Most of the women who have said the stuff to me are generally fairly nice people all things considered. Not always to each other. So I don't think going to HR and tattling about the running commentary would do anything to improve relations with anybody. This is a blip on my radar, really. But despite the fact that it doesn't really bother me much (these are not the types of comments I actually mull over, believe me)...I just can't help noticing that there is a gender-biased double standard ( albeit probably one of the few against males, really ). We are trained to say absolutely nothing personal about women coworkers and to tread very carefully with questions or comments about race, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, transgender status, appearance etc. of our patients. But I bet if I went to HR about the "unsolicited advice" and commentary it would be treated as trivial...and maybe it is. Maybe we've become ultra-sensitized to take offence at the most offhand comment. I know some people whose favorite pastime seems to be dissecting everything that was said as to real meaning, ulterior motive etc. and so forth and finding something to be offended about.